Is it really wrong to only invite a few children to a birthday party?

[Ivyhollow]

dd is 8 in a few weeks and has asked to go bowling with a few friends for her birthday. I’ve booked 6 places altogether including her, so she’s invited 5 girls from school. I can’t afford to take the whole class and tbh she didn’t want the whole class anyway, just the girls she plays with.

I sent the invites privately to their mums and 4 have replied yes so far. I thought that was that really.

Another mum replied in the whatsapp group saying her dd had heard about the bowling and was upset she hadn’t been invited. A couple of other mums then started agreeing with her and saying it’s unkind to invite a few children from a class when the others are going to find out about it.

I haven’t said anything in the group about the party. The children have obviously been talking about it at school which is fair enough, they’re 7 and 8 and get excited about these things.

I replied saying I could understand children feeling left out but I can’t afford a whole class party and dd had picked the friends she is closest to. Someone said there are cheaper ways of doing a party then and it’s not about how much you spend, it’s about not excluding children. Another mum said if you can’t invite everyone then you shouldn’t be having a party that some of them will hear about.

I do get that nobody wants their child to feel left out but I’m not sure what people expect me to do here. There are 29 children in the class. Even if I did something at home I couldn’t have 29 children in the house, and I don’t think I should have to invite everyone just because dd wants to do something with her friends.

The awkward bit is that the girl who’s upset has invited dd to her birthday before. They get on fine at school and have been to each other’s houses but they’re not particularly close. When I asked dd who she wanted to invite she didn’t mention her, she picked the girls she spends most time with outside school. I don’t want to tell her she has to invite someone because their mum might be upset.

The mum has now messaged me privately asking if there’s any chance her dd can come after all because she’s apparently really upset. I’ve already paid for the places and would have to check if the venue can fit another child in. dd has also already chosen her friends and is really looking forward to it.

Am I being mean here? I genuinely thought it was normal for them to have smaller parties as they got older but now I’m wondering if I’ve missed some rule everyone else knows about.

It’s fine to ask a few, or ask the whole group. What isn't okay is to ask 25 out of 30 kids. By 8yrs I’d have thought small groups were the norm.

If she hasn’t been invited to some parties, it means clearly not every child in this class has whole class parties.

I can't see you have done anything wrong. After a couple of years people stop doing whole class parties. We never did a whole class party for DD because she wouldn't have enjoyed it.

Of course it isn't wrong.
It is perfectly normal and sane.

The Mum asking that in the WhatsApp group is completely bonkers.
I kind of understand why you didn't (new to the school and all that) but I would have been very tempted to have replied by asking her if she knew just how rude she was being?
I was brought up that you NEVER invited yourself (or in this case) your child to anything. It is up to the host of any event who is invited.
The woman was incredibly rude and I would have told her so.

Wow this is completely ridiculous!! Of course it’s fine to have a small party. It’s unacceptable to invite almost everyone in the class except a few children, but you haven’t done this. How entitled and rude of the parents to criticise. Sure some of her friends might he a big disappointed or perhaps expect to be invited but it’s up to her who she invited to her party. You said why. You don’t need to explain any more!

I would NOT invite that child, her mother is a CF. I’d have to leave the class WhatsApp and then never give it another thought. Someone else will commit a diabolical crime and be the hated one soon enough….

They’re being so weird about this. Loads of people have parties that don’t involve the whole class! Especially once you get to year 3 - in fact I’d say a whole class party in year 3 is unusual (not wrong, but very much not the standard party).

If DD attended this girls most recent birthday party then IMO its v rude to not invite her in return. If she was invited but didn't attend then its not so bad.

Absolutely fine to only invite a few people,

The other parents are being really rude and the mum who messaged you directly is being cheeky. Maybe you could say if anyone drops out you consider her.

OP, I am outraged on your behalf. You can celebrate or not celebrate your daughter's birthday any way you and she choose. Some kids would hate a party with 30 kids. Please don't feel like you have to explain or apologise.

It would be different if you had invited 5 kids and there were only 6 in the class. You haven't. I cannot believe the audacity of someone suggesting you shouldn't go bowling if you can't afford to take the whole class! Their poor kid will forever struggle with not being invited. It is a really good thing to learn that you don't get invited to anything. You don't always win or get picked for the team. These complaining parents are stopping their children learning these things naturally, which will be to their detriment.

I agree with you entirely, OP. It doesn't matter what the precedent is.

Good grief! Whatever next? The behaviour and attitude of those mothers is quite shocking.
When I was a child and when my children were young, I'd never heard of someone inviting an entire class to a birthday party. It might perhaps have happened among people who had a lot of money, but never in the social circles that I and my children were in.

We never had a whole class party. Neither did anyone else in the class. What's wrong is to leave one or two out. But to invite a small minority is fine.

I think these parents are really out of order.

Learning to be disappointed is a key lesson in life and it kinda feels like way too much helicopter parenting.

If kids are really upset I think the the parents need to address that and not message you and gang up.

I wouldn’t engage and leave it at that.

YANBU it sounds like they’re trying to bully the new family basically. After reception and year 1, class parties become far less common.

If their kids are 8 it’s a good lesson for them to learn just because you count someone as close to you, or give them X and Y they may not reciprocate in the exact same way. Friendships isn’t an exact science like that.

Those kids are obviously entitled not to invite your daughter next time around if they don’t want to, but their parents shouldn’t be pressurising you to invite theirs.

I can guarantee that they will be having their own small group parties during the year, irrespective of whether you invite the whole class or not.

You will feel like an absolute mug if you’re forced into doing a whole class event, then later they have their little birthday parties and don’t invite your daughter.

Stand firm against the tyranny of these school mums OP 😂

I wish one of these parents would make an appearance on a thread like this occasionally so we could hear their rationale for their bonkers opinions. I would be fascinated.

I don’t think in this scenario these parents even exist.

Crazy mum feeling rejected... I have never held a whole class party. You are not excluding people if you only invite 5-6 of 25. How embarrassing that mum is😬
@Ivyhollow Yanbu

There’s a similar thread running atm where someone asked if their kid can get an invite to a sleepover since her daughter didn’t want to “miss out”.

Most said the mother was a CF, but A a few people are saying the mother did nothing wrong by asking if her kid can join in. So I assume they’ve done similar.

What thread title does that have?

How do smaller birthday parties work in terms of inclusivity, though? My DC is in Y3 too, with 24 children in the class, and until recently most parties were whole-class events.
Since the beginning of this school year, however, all the parties have been for smaller groups, and my child hasn’t been invited to any of them.
DC is friendly with most of the children but doesn’t have a particular best friend or a group of best friends, and I’m starting to worry that they might end up not being invited to any parties. I’m concerned about how that could affect their self-confidence and sense of belonging.
So my question is, how do you navigate this? I completely understand that parents and children may prefer smaller parties as they get older, but I do wonder how we can make sure that children who aren’t part of a particular friendship group don’t end up feeling consistently excluded.

I think it’s up to that child’s parents to be a bit more proactive in inviting children for play dates etc.

It was normal in my children’s school to have smaller parties. Often half of the party were siblings or cousins so there may have only been two or three friends from school.

There’s very little to navigate. If your child isn’t being invited to parties, he’s not being invited. The end.

Has he had his party yet this year?

It’s completely normal.

Whole class parties are usually only the first couple of years.