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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Starting reception, not reliably toilet trained

150 replies

arghhso · 03/07/2025 14:54

Pains me to say it but we’re nearly two years down the line and unfortunately just not there yet.

I have tried the usual resources (ERIC etc) but that aside my worry is DS soiling himself at school. I’m mostly wondering what the procedure is then? Will I or DH be expected to come in to clean him up?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Mrsttcno1 · 03/07/2025 15:25

Yes you would be at both of our locals, or if you send him in pull ups/nappy then a parent is expected to come in for changes.

MemorableTrenchcoat · 03/07/2025 15:28

Yes, one of you needs to go in each time. It’s not the teacher’s job to change dirty nappies.

Sassybooklover · 03/07/2025 15:43

You need to try and get to grips with this over the summer before your child starts school. It depends on the school and resources but in most schools, they would expect a parent to come in clean their child up, change them and take away any soiled clothing. Teaching staff don't have the time to do this.

Caramelty · 03/07/2025 15:50

Is there a learning development issue? Is dc at a preschool and what happens there - what support are they providing?

is dc able to defer starting school for a term?

NerrSnerr · 03/07/2025 15:51

I know you said you’ve used Eric but have you seen the GP to rule out any other causes?

We had a big panic that our youngest would be faecally incontinent when he started school as for about 4 months he was having some reaction to something unknown and having huge loose bowel movements. The school were great in the run up but it cleared up when he left nursery so it was clearly something unique in the food they fed him there.

Octavia64 · 03/07/2025 15:55

Most reception classes have children in who have accidents.

my primary used to get every parent to send in a change of clothes, to be replaced if used.

most reception classrooms have toilets very close because they are aware children are small and need access. The teacher will also usually make the class go to the loo (in turns) before break and before lunch and will usually prompt at other times.

wee accidents they generally encourage the child to clean themselves up - so go into the toilets with their change of clothes, go into cubicle, strip themselves down, wipe and then put new clothes on. Old clothes then go into a plastic bag to go home for washing.

poo is more complicated. If it’s just a little then the child can do the same as above. Teachers do expect a certain amount of accidents.

if he’s regularly soiling and nowhere near toilet trained then it will get more complicated. It’s worth discussing this with school (does he have any medical issues?) as they can put an intimate care plan in place.

in my last primary we had a child with bowel issues and two TAs were named (they had volunteered) on her intimate care plan. She wore pull ups and was changed in a dedicated space.

Original poster

arghhso · 03/07/2025 16:04

GP hasn’t been massively helpful. I really have nearly given myself a nervous breakdown over it and now I’m just resigned to the fact I’ve done / am doing my best but realistically he’s still having accidents, usually at least one a day. So I think this trajectory will continue at school. The main thing I need to know is to be blunt if I need to quit work or not 😂 that’s a despairing laugh really!

OP posts:

xWildFlowerx · 03/07/2025 17:07

Hi, my DD has just turned 4. Her older brothers were completely trained at 2+10 months and about 2 weeks before turning 3 (though DS2 did have the odd accident).

DD was not ready at all and I really thought she'd be starting school in nappies. She was born at 31+3 and her brothers were full term so idk whether that made any difference. Anyway about 1.5 months ago she randomly started using the toilet and almost straight away she was dry at night too. So there is still hope, school is still 2 months away - that is a long time!

stichguru · 03/07/2025 17:10

Yes unless there is an SEN issue requiring specialist support, yes you will need to help with poo accidents.

Original poster

arghhso · 03/07/2025 17:34

Thanks @xWildFlowerx . The main issue is he is ‘trained’ in that he wears pants, he sometimes goes to the toilet but a lot of the time he just … doesn’t, or leaves it too late. We don’t know why. He’s old in the year so I’m not confident it will just resolve itself; if only!

OP posts:

modgepodge · 03/07/2025 18:00

My daughter trained at just over 2 and for over 2 years still had regular accidents, for the year before school it was mostly just at pre school (‘it doesn’t matter mummy!’ Well actually YES IT DOES! I think the staff were just a bit too nice about it!!) She literally only had one accident in reception. I think it was just a habit/laziness and a new site/staff helped her break it.

At the other end of the spectrum, a friends daughter is finishing y1 and still has wee accidents at least once a day. No SEN as such but they have now got a diagnosis for the bladder problem having been to the GP repeatedly about it.

Poo accidents are a lot harder to deal with. You may well be called to deal with this. I’d be pushing the GP pretty hard for more support with this.

Allswellthatendswelll · 03/07/2025 18:23

OP I think you need to talk to the actual school about it. They will be more understanding then mumsnet (which has a kind of hysteria about toilet training and schools). Then can help you put a plan in place.

Sirzy · 03/07/2025 18:26

I work in reception and we never ask parents to come in and clean up children. It’s not a nice part of the job but it’s part of it and we aren’t willing to let children sit soiled for however long it takes parents to arrive.

Can you work on helping him learn to change more independently after to make it easier for staff?

TrentCrimmsflowinglocks · 03/07/2025 19:13

Are there any SEND issues, Op? My friend's son has ASD and has real difficulty sensing when he needs to go, and he experienced lots of these type of issues. If so, you should be entitled to some NHS support. There's a specialist child continence nurse in our area for these kinds of kids.

Original poster

arghhso · 03/07/2025 19:17

Thanks @Allswellthatendswelll i was worried about posting it. I’m just worried about talking to school as I can’t help but feel like it reflects badly on me. The mad thing is I have another child who isn’t quite two who is in the process of training and she’s just … getting it. Baffling.

There are no SEND issues as far as we know, it’s just this issue which he does seem to be struggling massively with.

OP posts:

NowIveSeenEverything · 03/07/2025 19:21

Is it wees or poos? Thus behaviour or potential medical issue? My son had antibiotic issues (basically on them constantly from autumn through spring due to recurrent tonsillitis), and while they didn't touch him, they often helped by getting his bag (spare pants/nappy pants and wipes) and guiding him to do it himself, even in reception.

You can go meet the school and sign things giving them permission to physically help them, we did, but they didn't, and ds was OK. Im not sure if they need to have a known medical issue or send for this though?

NotReallyCounting · 03/07/2025 19:27

Hi, I think it would be good to contact the school and explain so a plan can be made. It's going to be terribly awkward for your child as the other kids will notice and will comment.

You might need to push for medical advice. We had to pay privately for all help for our child.

Frixwy · 03/07/2025 19:27

So hes going 1-2 times a day and at least once not going to toilet?
do you sit him on toilets say 30 mins to an hour after eating for a bit just to see.
i think with boys not sotting down they dont try every time they go for a wee.

could you try a small amount of laxative? As often its actually constipation.

however over 4 not potty traoned is often lonked to sen so does he have any sogns of asd or adhd? Impulsove or sensory issues, delayed speech, stims etc

Can he wipe?

Even winter born kids can defer till the term after 5 so he only needs to go or go full time in jan.

if hes almost 5 could you get him to try to start cleaning up himself after an accident?

Though i would say 1 poo accident a day he isnt trained for that and i would have him in pull ups

Sunrae28 · 03/07/2025 19:30

You need your health visitor to refer him to your local continence service

Original poster

arghhso · 03/07/2025 19:51

It’s both tbh @NowIveSeenEverything . He just really isn’t great at going. I do try to encourage him but we still have accidents. Sometimes he’s trying to get to the toilet but other times isn’t as far as I can see.

He can wipe. There’s no way I can send him in pull ups; it would exacerbate the problem hugely!

OP posts:

NowIveSeenEverything · 03/07/2025 20:12

@arghhso my daughter has chronic constipation and withholding. She's perfect with wees and has been a long time including overnight, unlike her big brother (she's 3) - but when she's really backed up, she has wee accidents too. Any chance your son is holding it or constipated? You say soiling, but is it proper poo or small overflow leakage? Sorry to be graphic, all pleasantries go out of the window with this stuff!

Continence service is a good idea, we were referred about 6 months ago, and had an email last week saying a nurse would be in touch soon. For a girl who, without stimulant laxatives, can hold on for 2+ weeks... i wouldn't count on them for school starting, but a good long term solution.

CopperWhite · 03/07/2025 20:13

Teach him to change and clean himself up properly, and school should be able to manage it. Each time it happens give him his own bag like he would have at school and get him to practice cleaning himself with wipes and using a nappy sack to get rid of wipes and wrap up dirty underwear. It will take a fair amount of support to get him to do as much as possible independently, but it’s better that you have the time to do it at home than overstretched teaching staff trying to do it in a classroom.

Original poster

arghhso · 03/07/2025 20:14

I’ve wondered about constipation but I honestly don’t see how he could be. I’m trying to encourage him to drink a bit more as I know that can be a common issue. He eats loads and it’s very healthy; loads of veg, grains, only drinks water. I’d definitely prefer to avoid laxatives if possible!

OP posts:

Original poster

arghhso · 03/07/2025 20:15

He won’t for me @CopperWhite . It’s very difficult to manage. This is why I am worried; I don’t think there’s been a day in the last fortnight without an accident

OP posts:

CopperWhite · 03/07/2025 20:21

Do you feel like he’s making a choice to go in his pants?

Can you spot any kind of pattern of what he’s doing or anything that’s going on around him when he has accidents?

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