Right to be annoyed about a divorce book from school?

[Mumoftwoboys123]

Hi everyone,

Im just looking for some unbiased opinions if possible please. My son is 4, and gets a library book from school each week to bring home for us to read together at bedtime.

Tonight I’ve started reading his book ‘mum and dad glue’ and had to stop as he was in tears thinking me and his dad are splitting up! He knows everyone has different families and parents, but don’t think he’s ever understood before that it could happen to his family one day.

Am I right to think this book is totally inappropriate for a child of his age to be given at school? I understand it could help children going through family issues, but not something an anxious little boy really needs on his mind!! He has nightmares most nights as it is!

Am I right to be annoyed?

No, your not right to be annoyed. Presumably he chose the book. Some children will find great comfort in reading books that they identify with.

You didn’t really explain what the issue with the book is?
Surely he is / will very soon be aware that some people have parents who are not together? Are you hoping to shield this from him forever? Isn’t this just a good opportunity to discuss different family dynamics?

At my daughter's school the kids pick the books themselves and its great to have a range of topics covered. We've had a couple come home that I thought I wouldn't have picked that for her but meh. Couldnt get upset about it.

For some children they will draw comfort from this book. For some those with a mum&dad set up might upset them. Society is not our own individual experience therefore our culture, including reading, should reflect that.

Also my child cried when a baby kangaroo in a book got briefly separated from her mum, who came back. It was a learning experience for us about her sensitivity and empathy, but at the end of the day we just reassured as parents do.

I'm sorry but you are being unreasonable. If he knows that all families are different he will be aware that sometimes mummys and daddy's don't live together. The book and his response was your chance to talk to him about it.
And as people upthread have said as it's a library book I assume he chose it , and not given it

This is an opportunity for him to learn. You are his parent and can help him understand that children do live with divorced parents.

He would have chosen the book himself and it's a perfectly age appropriate picture book so I don't see any reason to complain. Yes he got upset at it and that a completely normal response but if they got rid of every book that might make a child sad there wouldn't be many left to choose from.

Schools aren’t perfect. DS brought home a book about a school shooting when he was in year 3, and recently brought home a book that had the F word in it (he’s in year 5)

I’m not sure why either of those would be in a primary school in the first place but I can certainly see how a book on divorce would be. Just send it back in to be changed - in our case I just wrote in his record how it didn’t seem appropriate.

@CaptainCabinetsTrappedInCabinets he’s 4 he can’t read just liked the picture on the front and was sobbing as he was so upset by it?
He doesn’t identify with it at all?

@Pinkissmart no of course not. We do discuss other families as I’ve said but don’t think it’s a great choice to be blindsided with at bedtime. The issue with the book was that normally he ready peppa pig or something and today it was about a little boy who was upset his parents were getting a divorce and it was his fault that they didn’t love him. Maybe I’m wrong just thought it was strange one for a school to give him 🤷‍♀️

Did the school ‘give it to him’ or did he go into the library and pick it. And who are the school to tell him he can’t have the book he picked because they have decided it won’t be suitable.

@Mumoftwoboys123 if he can’t read it why was he so upset , he obviously liked the picture on the front or he wouldn’t have picked it . Surely if you know he’s a sensitive soul you should have a quick read through before you let him read stuff .

@MassiveSalad22 No way I would have been furious!

I agree with you OP. At age 4 he's highly unlikely to be able to choose a book based on anything other than the pictures.
Children of 4 don't need to know about all the scary things that *might happen to them.
Of course, if a child is going through that experience, then a book on the topic could be immensely helpful but unless that's the case, at age 4 I think it has more potential to harm than help.

Did he pick it himself ?

The teachers were absolutely mortified and beetroot red when they had to pull me aside to apologise so I feel like that’s repercussion enough 😂 library has since had a massive clear out actually so maybe that’s a result!

Imagine how anxious your kid would be if his parents were actually going through a separation. Your post just screams of privilege. If a book has ever made you cry does that mean it's not appropriate reading?

The schools that my kids went to had the kids pick library books so it’s not really the school that gives the kids the books iyswim.

I don’t know if schools have a system so that sensitive kids don’t pick books with sad themes. Sometimes kids books have sad themes - in future, you might have to read the book ahead of time to check that it’s ok for your son or encourage him to go for non fiction books.

I think both you and your son need to build some resilience. He picked a book, it wasn't forced on him. Maybe you should have read it first if he's so sensitive but shielding him from the world isn't helpful and your reaction is similar to his so maybe it's learned behaviour. Maybe learning about different family dynamics at a young age is useful if they need to deal with it later in life, or have friends with different set ups.

But children books deal with lots of different real and fiction scenarios.

Should we ban books about dogs? Because lots of kids are scared of dogs? Or books with grass & trees in? Because of kids that get hay fever might be triggered?

If he can't read, don't read him things that will upset him.

You are the parent.

@oviraptor21 thank you! Was starting to think I was going mad with all of these responses 🤣

For everyone else

• yes he picked the book from the picture
• no I don’t read his books from school in advance (who would?)
• We do discuss other families, he knows some people have two families, two mummies etc. but we’ve never gone into the reasons why - I know I didn’t know much about that myself until a lot older than 4
• my main issue with the book is the context of the child thinking it’s their fault the parents are divorcing which is a totally new idea for him which he found very upsetting
• I prefer learning experiences to happen during the day when he can think clearly, not in the form of a bedtime story which is meant to be calming

no I don’t read his books from school in advance (who would?)

Anyone with a very sensitive child surely? If not the whole book even the blurb would have been enough to tell you this wasn't something he'd cope with?

I'd ask yourself what would you want the school to do in future? Should they tell the children their choice isn't acceptable even though the book is appropriate for his age. Do you not think they have better things to do?

Gosh, guess I’m wrong then!

Hopefully all of your kids grow up to be big strong soldiers after being thrown in at the deep end!

I usually give the books a quick glance over before we read them together. It takes seconds especially when they’re little and their books are so short and it makes sure that it’s an appropriate level and the content is suitable. Once every few months we do get something inappropriate like if you’ve got an advanced free reader they might get something intended for older age groups with inappropriate content for their age, sometimes the book is the wrong level and they’ve got it from the wrong shelf or as we’ve had a few times very old books from some dusty corner of the library that contain what disney would call ‘outdated cultural stereotypes’. When that happens we just read something from home instead that night and I pop a nice note in their diary asking the teacher to swap it out. I’d start skimming his books first OP. Sounds like the book was age appropriate and the correct level so really it’s on you for not picking up that he may find the subject upsetting.

You asked if you were right to be annoyed

Posters gave you some perspective as to why picture books available in school reflect different families life circumstances and the emotions that some children might experience if their parents were divorcing. They've also explained that it would be difficult to match the child to the type of book they may enjoy (and as a former school library volunteer, I agree with this)

You haven't said, but presumably the outcome of the book wasn't that it was the main character's fault that his parents divorced...

I'm not sure why you need to be passive aggressive about it now and only thank someone that agreed with you entirely.

@InTheRainOnATrain yeah I think I will have to do that from now on. As he’s new to school I didn’t ever think about books being inappropriate hence never reading them in advance - I assumed (wrongly) that they’d all be quite jolly! Apparently not!