Right to be annoyed about a divorce book from school?

[Mumoftwoboys123]

Hi everyone,

Im just looking for some unbiased opinions if possible please. My son is 4, and gets a library book from school each week to bring home for us to read together at bedtime.

Tonight I’ve started reading his book ‘mum and dad glue’ and had to stop as he was in tears thinking me and his dad are splitting up! He knows everyone has different families and parents, but don’t think he’s ever understood before that it could happen to his family one day.

Am I right to think this book is totally inappropriate for a child of his age to be given at school? I understand it could help children going through family issues, but not something an anxious little boy really needs on his mind!! He has nightmares most nights as it is!

Am I right to be annoyed?

I'm sorry but there's no way this was the message of the book.

If your child is upset then you need to navigate the situation, it's unfortunate but you are being way too precious and would be mad to complain.

No you aren't. Read it beforehand and screen it if you're going to be precious. The author is not armed with information about your DS's MH history, nor knowledge of the time of day you plan to read their book, so cannot be held liable for failing to temper the message to suit.

Like you said, for children who are in this situation it is helpful and I presume helps them work through that feeling of guilt.

You’re being dramatic though, without having read the book I can still say with certainty that the take away is that it isn’t his fault, his parents do love him and they can all still be happy. So what exactly do you take issue with?
It doesn’t seem particularly inappropriate for school aged children, and your DS picked it.

This is the blurb of Mum & Dad Glue

--

This comforting, reassuring picture book will help young children come to terms with divorce and separation.

A little boy tries to find a pot of parent glue to stick his mum and dad back together. His parents have come undone and he wants to mend their marriage, stick their smiles back on and make them better.

But, as he learns, even though his parents' relationship may be broken, their love for him is not.

"An excellent book aimed squarely at young children." Nursery World
"Resonates with empathy and poignancy." Junior

@Teladi I think I’ve had a lot of rude comments directed my way too - screaming of privilege, ban books triggering hayfever, implications I don’t speak to my child about the world etc.

What I’ve learned is that this type of thing happens all the time so it’s on me to check what school is doing, not assume everything they do it appropriate. Some parents like to tell young children the hard facts of life which I personally think can wait until they’re older, rightly or wrongly I feel this opportunity was taken from me on this occasion.

That's not what the book is about at all. The boy wants to mend his parents relationship and stick them back together. He realises he can't, but that even though their relationship is broken, they still love him.

What I’ve learned is that this type of thing happens all the time so it’s on me to check what school is doing, not assume everything they do it appropriate. Some parents like to tell young children the hard facts of life which I personally think can wait until they’re older, rightly or wrongly I feel this opportunity was taken from me on this occasion.

What type of thing??
Divorce is probably the most common thing that a huge percentage of primary aged children will go through. Divorce doesn’t wait until a child is older. There is nothing wrong with a reception aged child knowing that their separated parents still love.

You can’t read random books you don’t know and then moan that “the opportunity” to ignore the fact that there are different family set ups from your child was taken from you. You read the book not someone else!

Sounds like a lovely book, thank you @Teladi

Given 60% of marriages end in divorce, it's probably a good thing to normalise it early on. And that's its absolutely fine.

You missed an opportunity here op. Yabu.

Not inappropriate and aimed completely at his age group.

My DD (7) has been to two primary schools and both have given out library books and the children always choose those ones themselves.
I think it might have upset your son, which is super sad short term, but as he starts to develop empathy as he turns 5/6 it might be really beneficial to him to learn other families aren’t quite like his ❤️ he’ll be okay bless him x

I’m sure you must have missed the overall message of the book. It’s not about the child being to blame, it’s about how he overcomes that by coming to understand what divorce is. It’s important for children to read books like this as, even if they don’t experience it themselves, they undoubtedly will come across others who do and it helps them to develop empathy.

By saying the opportunity was taken from you what do you mean? That the book shouldn't be available to your child?

Should it be placed in a special 'child of divorce only' section?

To imply that those of us who have discussed divorced families with our children, or indeed families where parents have already divorced have "thrown our children in at the deep end" and introduced the "hard facts of life" too early is also quite rude.

YANBU OP, I would have expected the teacher to suggest another book or for books like this (or ones about parents dying, kids with cancer etc) to be on a special shelf to be suggested only if the child is actually going through that or has questions about a friend or something.

Indeed!

Look life isn't all lovely and even at 4 it's not unreasonable to introduce topics in an age appropriate way. To suggest that all the books he brings home should be happy and joyful is illogical and also risks denying your child the opportunity to begin to understand difficult concepts in a very appropriate way.

@Completelyjo

this type of thing - children getting books from the school library that might be upsetting?!?

I asked if you think I’m being unreasonable to be annoyed and pretty much everyone has said yes I am, fair enough.

I feel like a lot of people here are taking this very personally based on their own circumstances. I am not judging other family set ups, and know divorce is sadly something a lot of children have to deal with. Do you all tell your young kids about war, terror, and famine? Because that’s what other people are going through.

As a rational adult of course I know the true moral of the story, but half way through DS was suddenly so upset he couldn’t take anything else in. Yes he’s sensitive, and no I didn’t read the blurb as every story he’s come home with before were very pre-school so when he pulled it from his bag to read I didn’t expect any issues.

I see why you are annoyed.

It looks as a book which can be very useful for a child in that situation, but is not a good bedtime reading for a child which isn't.

Yes, your son knows children have different families, but now is realising that it could happen to him, that his family could change, and it is a shock.

Saying that he selected it himself is nonsense, the kid picked up a picture, not expressing interest in a topic.

Maybe this book isn't good for free selection, but can be offered when relevant.

My ds1 has a subscription to The Week Junior, and this week's copy has a spread on the front page about the Holocaust, which the magazine explains in an age appropriate way.

But no, let's keep all the stories that could possibly be sad on a separate shelf for the "other" kids that everyone pities rather than using it as a learning opportunity.

I can't believe the responses on here. I remember as a kid reading Sweet Valley High too young, it gave me such bad anxiety because I wasn't mature enough to handle things like people breaking up.

Kids mature emotionally at different rates and they don't know what the heck they're picking when they choose a book, it's unreasonable to expect them to know like an adult would. Hell, even some adults are surprised by the books they pick sometimes.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. He needs lots of reassurance until he forgets about it.

I feel like a lot of people here are taking this very personally based on their own circumstances

No you’re being ridiculous and most people aren’t thinking that you are ridiculous because they are divorced for god sake!
It was an age appropriate book with an ultimately positive and uplifting message for the child. There was nothing inappropriate about it being available in a school library and the teacher isn’t at fault for not stopping your child from taking it.

I talk to my 3.5 year old about all sorts of heavy issues in an age appropriate way. She understands that not all kids are the same or as lucky, she knows some children are poorer than others and she really enjoys helping me take her outgrown clothes to the charity shop as it means someone else gets to wear them!

Surely as a parent you reassured your child when they got upset? I really don’t think you have a genuine grievance here, things will always upset your child and it’s your job to manage that. You can’t hide everything from
them and keep them in a bubble just to keep life easier.

As a parent of a sensitive child, you’re going to have to start vetting books, movies etc for him because you never know when he’ll be next shocked. For example there’s more than one Christmas movie that involves a character that doesn’t believe in Santa - would that upset him ?

From someone who's child has now completed his whole entire education and is working.

ALWAYS skim read the book your child self chooses before reading it to them.

Then decide whether to make the story up based on the pictures or stalk and suggest something else for bedtime.

My rules was always I have poetic licence to read story as I choose and the point at which they could read enough to know I was making it up was the day that any content they didn't like was their responsibility for not choosing effectively.

We cannot shield our children from reality and personal responsibility needs to be taught from a young age.

@OneAmberFinch thank you! Yes this is what I would have thought too but not the consensus from the group!

@teladi I did not imply that at all. I mean that they are happy for their children to read about difficult or upsetting topics and apparently I am privileged, dramatic and logical for thinking otherwise

If your son is super sensitive (mine is) maybe look at the positives. You were there. He had no time to overthink. He learned about divorce, was upset / scared, you were able to understand and talk him through it straight away.

About half way through reception, he started randomly crying at night. He was really reluctant / unable to tell me why. Eventually I managed to get out of him, that he was ‘sad daddy has moved out’. My husband going away for work had coincided with one of his friends coming in to school, telling the teachers and children that his dad was leaving their home, because his parents didn’t love each other anymore. He’d ruminated over it, and turned it into something huge and scary. At least this way, when your son inevitably hears of a friends parents separating, he has a basic understanding.

Or maybe they could say "Look DS I think we got the wrong end of the stick about that story, let's give it another go", and just look at the book again tomorrow? "Ah, main character's mum and dad love him so much. Isn't that nice? We missed that bit yesterday because we were so tired. DS, do you know anyone that has two houses? No? When I was little my friend did and she used to like going to her dad's for fish and chips on a Friday night!"

This doesn't need to be a traumatic event.