Right to be annoyed about a divorce book from school?

[Mumoftwoboys123]

Hi everyone,

Im just looking for some unbiased opinions if possible please. My son is 4, and gets a library book from school each week to bring home for us to read together at bedtime.

Tonight I’ve started reading his book ‘mum and dad glue’ and had to stop as he was in tears thinking me and his dad are splitting up! He knows everyone has different families and parents, but don’t think he’s ever understood before that it could happen to his family one day.

Am I right to think this book is totally inappropriate for a child of his age to be given at school? I understand it could help children going through family issues, but not something an anxious little boy really needs on his mind!! He has nightmares most nights as it is!

Am I right to be annoyed?

I think the trauma you are applying to divorce is way over the top op. It really isn't on a par with war and famine. It's a good thing if two people who love their kids but no longer each other divorce. You seem to think it's the end of the world. The problem with this attitude is you're potentially trapping your future self.

There might be a 4 year old whose mum and dad are getting divorced and the book might help them to understand their feelings. It’s your job as a parent to either read things that come into your house to make sure you’re happy with them or have an age appropriate discussion with your DS if he’s upset.
Did you know the book was about divorce before you started reading it? If so then I’m guessing you didn’t anticipate your DS having such a reaction, so why would school anticipate it either? They don’t have time to check 30 library books to make sure a child isn’t going to be upset by them.
Our school watch newsround on a regular basis and DS had a nightmare that we were walking along a road trying to get away from the war. We had a few conversations about it and some reassurance and he was fine. It wasn’t schools fault for helping the children understand what is happening in other countries and how we show empathy for that.

YBU to be annoyed.

It's a perfectly age appropriate and ultimately positive and reassuring.

I think the problem is that you didn't flick through it before reading to see what it was about; you've got a sensitive little boy and you read the story at bedtime when he was probably tired and also could dwell on it before going to sleep; because he was so upset, you stopped reading the book at a point where the little boy was still upset and worried so your ds is left with the character's sad emotions.

I'd try reading it again after breakfast tomorrow.

Try telling your ds that when you read it with him last night, it made you feel sad because the little boy in the story was so upset but you wanted to find out what happened to him so you read the rest of the story, the boy found out that his mum and dad both love him, it wasn't his fault that they are going to live in different houses and he was much happier.

Your ds might cope with the story better in the day time and if he knows what's going to happen in the book. Then he might also talk about any worries he has and you can reassure him.

Do you all tell your young kids about war, terror, and famine? Because that’s what other people are going through.

Yes. Because they're not blind and they live in the world. They're exposed to these things whether I want them to be or not. In fact, several of DS1's Biff Chip and Kipper learn-to-read books were built around the experiences of DC in WW2, including evacuation and bombing raids. We talked about the war extensively, including why it was happening and what Hitler was doing. Shielding children, or attempting to, from the darker side of the world is shown to, if anything, harm their mental health.

If you want to be this precious about what your DC consumes then you need to read all his books before he does.

@delphinedupont no i had no idea it was about divorce - will definitely be double checking in the future.

i absolutely agree it would help a child who was in that circumstance, but just find it a strange read for a child with limited experience of the topic.

There are DC in your kid's class who have divorced and separated parents. There are DC in your kid's class who are dealing with substantially worse things than divorced parents. It's a fairly mindboggling kind of arrogance and privilege to declare that a book is all very well for those kids, but much too strong for your DC who isn't actually dealing with anything other than a new idea.

Maybe you should carefully vet all the other kids in the class and make sure they all come from nice unbroken homes, just in case your DC discovers from contact with one of them that divorce or food insecurity or homelessness or domestic abuse is a thing

@Mumoftwoboys123 Some children are just a lot more sensitive to emotional issues than others. When my DD was six we watched Ice Age and I was astonished how upset she got when the baby got separated from his parents. Proper sobbing.

She’s a very empathetic and resilient teenager now but still ‘feels’ certain things a lot more strongly than other people - she can’t stand watching people get embarrassed in movies.

I think if you have a DC with higher sensitivity you have to be a bit more cautious with introducing materials than other parents - probably 8/9 out of ten kids would not have reacted as strongly to the book so the school doesn’t think it’s inappropriate.

I don't think books about real life experiences should be put on special shelves and reserved for children whom the teacher knows to be in that particular situation.

They should be available for any child who wants to choose them and if a parent feels that their child might be upset by some kinds of books then the onus really is on that parent to check the book before reading it.

There will be children in your ds's class who have 2 homes and will talk about whether they are staying with mummy or daddy that day. It won't be an alien concept to him.

But now he's had a gentle, age appropriate introduction. That's great. He found it upsetting, and that's sad, but he had a cuddle with mum who (presumably) explained that divorced parents love their children as much as they ever did, and that his parents aren't getting divorced anyway.

We can't shield our children from everything. It's hard to think of a gentler introduction to a difficult topic than an age appropriate reading book.

Rather than blaming the school, this is a wonderful opportunity to think on your feet and to take some responsibility to educate your child on the issue. Since you didn't read the book in advance or at least skim through it.

Also you never ever know how your own marriage might turn out.

I totally agree with you. There are tons of lovely books out there. Why would a school have a book like this.

I get very frustrated with the number of “ issue” books in our library. I just want some nice stories to read to a three year old

I was a single parent when my child was 4 and I kind of think it's a little heavy and not very ' read the room'. I'd like to hope the school had sense to direct to books the kids would like and might ask them what they like when guiding selection. You'd hope they might know who had parents together and not but that might be too much to ask to be fair.

It's a bit heavy if it is not relevant to your life at 4. I wouldn't go guns blazing over it as there will be a huge proportion of kids for whom this is relevant and may give comfort.

I'd let this go and if you get ' Fred becomes Franny' as the next book I'd be pissed 🤷‍♀️😆

Why would the school have a picture book about parents separating...did you honestly just ask that question?

Half of all parents break up, that's life, not necessarily good or bad.

Also to add that what other people are missing is that your son is over empathizing with the little boy in the book so it feels like it was happening to him.

That’s sometimes the joy of reading and a skill which can have huge benefits in life - being able to really put yourself in the shoes of another person so that you actually feel what’s happening - he might be a great writer, or actor. Or a doctor with a very good bedside manner. Or a very good con artist!

The downside is while he’s still little he can’t really put in place the guardrails to protect himself from all the big emotions, so that’s more work for you.

I'd be concentrating on why he's anxious and having nightmares rather than a random library book

Ok....but that doesn't mean it shouldn't be available does it? Some books ARE a strange read, some books are bonkers, and that's great - this one is actually an extremely helpful and appropriate story for children exactly your son's age. The most mind boggling thing in this situation is YOUR reaction and why you didn't treat it as an opportunity to enlighten your child

Maybe have a flick through or read the blurb before reading it to him? Was it not obvious that this was the topic of the book. Surely you must have read it to him knowing what you were reading. You had the chance to not read it and thus prevent him from getting upset, surely?

This

Im not sure why there is so much emphasis in other posts that 'he chose the book', did he have any concept that he was looking for a night time story about divorcing adults?

Of course not, its called mum and dad glue. He probably thought it was a book about glue and mums and dads.

To be honest op I do think you're being unreasonable. My son has no involvement with his dad - have you any idea how difficult it is to find appropriate books to prepare him for different life events that don't have a father figure in them? Where its just a mum? My child will need to deal with this difference every day in the vast majority of things he is exposed to on TV or in books etc.

These experiences are a big part of children learning to build empathy for others and to learn how to process and digest difficult emotions. I'd say it's not your job to hide him away from that, but to support him while he navigates it.

I feel like a lot of people here are taking this very personally based on their own circumstances. I am not judging other family set ups, and know divorce is sadly something a lot of children have to deal with. Do you all tell your young kids about war, terror, and famine? Because that’s what other people are going through.

this is a really hateful paragraph. I hope someone teaches your child better

I'm on team YABU here. In an unbiased way, as you asked 😄 Books are supposed to widen our understanding and therein empathy for people whose life is different to ours. Your ds is above average sensitive today/always/at the moment and has been upset by the book but that's not a bad thing in itself. Validate his sadness but talk sensibly about the lovely thing that no matter what happens, the mummy and daddy in the book love the child.

You should have checked before reading it.

@Edenmum2 you have no idea what my reaction was - i reassured him, we spoke about his friends with two or more homes - it’s not an alien concept to him.

i wasn’t asking for parenting tips I asked if you would be annoyed - no you wouldn’t, that’s fine!

Some of these replies are a bit harsh. It feels like OP is being punished for not being a single parent.

As a single parent myself with a young teen who knows everything about the world - I don't think it's a bad idea at 4 to just stick to the fluffy stuff a little longer. The kids with split parents might really value that and I think it's good these books are available to them if they would value it, maybe they wouldn't at 4 themselves, it all depends.

I equally don't blame school. They're probably too busy to go through each book and understand content and relevance.

To complain about this at this early stage of primary probably won't go down well as it will be taken a certain way and you probably will be judged a little. So I'd definitely let it go and just screen books next time before reading together.