Right to be annoyed about a divorce book from school?

[Mumoftwoboys123]

Hi everyone,

Im just looking for some unbiased opinions if possible please. My son is 4, and gets a library book from school each week to bring home for us to read together at bedtime.

Tonight I’ve started reading his book ‘mum and dad glue’ and had to stop as he was in tears thinking me and his dad are splitting up! He knows everyone has different families and parents, but don’t think he’s ever understood before that it could happen to his family one day.

Am I right to think this book is totally inappropriate for a child of his age to be given at school? I understand it could help children going through family issues, but not something an anxious little boy really needs on his mind!! He has nightmares most nights as it is!

Am I right to be annoyed?

Oh, and OP, I hate to tell you but this doesn't end, and you can't just kick the can indefinitely down the road. DC1 is now ten and a few months ago a friend's dad walked out on his DP and the DC without warning. DC1 was shaken despite having other friends with split parents, and anxious about DH doing the same thing for a bit. Should I have taken the absent father to task for upsetting my DC, ignoring the fact that my DC wasn't by any means the one who deserved the most concern in this situation? Life is going to happen around and to your children and you can't stop it or protect them from it. You can only give them the emotional resilience to deal with it.

If you sweep this book away now and forbid any other mention of divorce your DC won't forget it's a thing, he'll simply absorb that divorce is the Worst Thing Ever, so bad it can't be spoken of, and grow more anxious. You should finish the book, and you should talk to your DC about the fact that parents do split up, and probably he has playmates whose parents have split up, but those parents go on loving their child and life goes on.

@Meraleine i hope my child sticks up for themself when they are called all sorts of unkind names, belittled, and shamed when asking for advice

I understand where you are coming from however the staff in the library are likely unaware of your situation at home. Its unfair to lay any blame with the school. This is a good learning experience for you to not judge a book by its cover, literally. Parenting doesn't come with a manual, we learn every day.

Great response!

This

Because of course you’ve read every single book that your dc brought back, books they chose at the library etc… before your dc started to read them?

Am I allowed to not believe that?

@Newlysinglemum1 You didn't say how old your ds is, but he might like the Daisy books by Kes Gray (illustrated by Nick Sharratt).

There is a series of picture books and also a series of early chapter books. Daisy lives with her mum and Dad isn't mentioned.

They're great fun. I wouldn't let the fact that the main character is a girl put you off trying them.

And let’s be honest ….wvery disney movie ever. Someone dies or something bad happens….

Toy Story
Frozen
Moana
Mulan
Cinderella
Cars
Planes
Secret Life of Pets
Peter Rabbit

ETC ETC ETC

@Mumoftwoboys123 i think a book on divorce in school is a great idea.

I don’t think it’s suitable to a 4yo.
Even less so if it goes on about how they felt it was their fault parents separated!! Rather than a book on how a little boy had two houses like another could have 2 mums or 2 dads. Or had been adopted etc…. (All of which would have been suitable and ok)

Fwiw 4yo is the age my dc also realised what death was and that I and their dad could die. There is a lot of realisation at that age and it’s a lot to handle for some children .

One of the great things about books is they teach us about other lives, help us develop empathy and help us to understand the different things people deal with.

Are you going to filter every difficult theme from him?

That’s very different to know that death exists and can happen than to realise YOU will die one day or that your parents will die and that it might be soon.

Surely you realise that understanding it might happen to you has a different impact and is separate from knowing what death is??

Reading an age appropriate book is hardly being thrown in at the deep end FFS! As others have said, this could have provided a lovely learning opportunity for your son, not only to show him that all families are different but also that when he does find something upsetting his mum is there to comfort him and help him deal with it. That's how kids grow in resilience, not by shielding them from any potential upset.

The thing is, the book IS age appropriate so it was probably in the younger section.So the alternative would've been the teacher telling him he can't choose the book he wants . I bet you wouldn't have been happy (or him) if she would've explained it's not suitable for him because he's too sensitive and it might upset him. The weirdest things can set kids off and we can't preempt all of them.

So how do you explain some children live in split families, or death etc?

Do you all tell your young kids about war, terror, and famine?

In age appropriate ways, yes. Don’t you?

@Mumoftwoboys123 hopefully this is another opportunity for him to learn. It’s not a bad thing to teach him about situations that require empathy through stories.

Not sure how school (who had lots of kids to manage) “letting” him take the book home is any less responsible than you, in a one to one situation, ploughing ahead and letting him listen to you read the story to him when you know he is very sensitive?

I’d hazard a guess you’re simply kicking yourself for not realising and tailoring the story as you read it to him? And you’re misdirecting that frustration at the school…

Anyhow, I hope you didn’t slam the book shut and the first sign of tears and declare it was inappropriate for him. Divorce shouldn’t be a taboo, but something that can be talked about in an age appropriate way.

Honestly, I’d just let this go and not waste any more energy on it. He’s little. Things will make him cry. That’s just life! Maybe the replies you’re getting here are simply from parents with slightly older kids. We have been there in some similar situation or other.. don’t sweat the small stuff!

Honestly you are such a drama queen.

No one on here is 'screaming' at you and we aren't callously 'throwing our kids in at the deep end' or reading them bedtime stories about genocide, or whatever your black or white brain is telling you we must be don't.

Being upset is a rational emotion and feeling and understanding our emotions is so important, we start to do this at a very young age. Kind parents allow their children to feel emotions and are there to support and guide them through this. We don't suppress emotions, we talk about them and that leads to understanding about themselves, the people they know and then the wider world in which they live.
This is done gently and with compassion.

Maybe you skipped this bit? Cos you are coming across like a petulant child because you don't agree with the majority view on here. We don't know you, this isn't personal, you chose to post about this and ask for Mumsnetters views, seems quite ungracious to not be able to take on board that the majority of posters don't quite agree with you.

It's a really important parenting skill to be able to improvise when reading a book that takes an upsetting turn for your child. You can still talk to the pictures but alter the story or at least soften it a bit.

The day will soon come when your boy gets unexpectedly traumatised by a book you gave him. We can't always tell. You have to keep alert and find ways of keeping the experience positive.

This thread is appalling. I don't believe the majority means it reflects good sense or being right.

I don't think kids need know this about war and famine at 4 either. They don't need it in their face unless it becomes relevant to their life. I agree that I don't want a 4 year old having to face this extra stuff - unless it becomes relevant.

We know so many kids suffer horrendously and this is their life. It doesn't have to be ' educated' so early if we can avoid it for those lucky enough not to directly experience it.

I hate the news because it just causes fear. He'll learn in good time about the reality of the world when he's older than 4.

PS, I divorced (before I became a parent so no children involved) but it was the best decision I made, much happier now. I'm pretty much the only person who has divorced in my circle of friends and family, so maybe there are people who divorce and it was terrible for them longterm, but it was a very positive outcome for me. I'm healthier and wealthier (had to get a proper job after my divorce!)

So in short, divorce isn't death.

(Don't buy DC a pet, because they will die)

My ex-husband's a soldier so my 4 year old gets to learn about divorce AND war.

Quelle horreur!

Agree with this. Stories are a great way to gain perspective on life. One of my kids' friend's mum dropped dead one day. It happens. It's terrible and shocking. It's good to be aware that terrible things can happen to people, really, because when it happens to you you'll know you're not alone, and if terrible things happen to those you know, you will have developed some empathy through the imagination that these stories have provided. It's like a practise run I guess. (Just like how I always imagine DH dying, so I have a plan for if it happens, I suppose!). I'm sure OP's kid has a friend with divorced parents.

4 is pretty young though!! And I understand the sadness.

@jannier he knows that people live in split families but I don’t think the concept ever occurred to him that they were once together if you get what I mean? Death he knows about and has dealt with grandparents passing etc.

both he and his younger brother have had life threatening health issues in the last year, we’ve had burglaries, deaths etc. so he has had a lot to deal with despite what people on here may think about me being pathetic and shielding him. I just don’t now want him to think he has one more thing to worry about thanks to a silly book from school.