Told my 4 year old is behind at school

[dual90]

So yesterday we went to parents evening at my DD school. I kind of knew it wouldn’t be all that positive because a week before we had been invited into the school to view one of the classes. My DD was not her best that day, crying and clingy. I noticed she was being placed at the front of the class which I know isn’t a good sign! I come from an education background- so I’m well aware of certain words like ‘interventions’ etc.

My DD is one of the youngest in the class, so she’s on the bottom 5th age bracket as she is a summer baby. The teacher just seemed to focus on the negatives, but threw in she plays well and is happy! But then launched into she’s struggling with the learning and is not ‘retaining’ and information! I did challenge her on this as at home she makes all the sounds for phonics and recognition letters. She’s also been deemed as bright in nursery and counting to 20 since she was 2! She’s interested in numbers and counts a lot and she’s been doing this for a while. She then says she didn’t recognise numbers, again we challenged her on that too as she does recognise them at home. She seemed a little baffled and kept saying she was ‘behind her peers’.

For a start I thought most learning in reception was play based and we would t have this kind of pressure this early only 4 weeks into term and being told she is not matching up! I did say to the teacher that developmentally there is going to be huge differences in learning just by the sheer difference in age for some of the children, she firstly agreed with that then contradicted it by saying she has other kids the same age who are coping fine. But we still said she seems to be doing fine with these things when she’s at home. We also have no idea what it is she is supposed to be learning. She says she’s in a small ‘intervention’ group. I find this concerning that this is already happening and quite worried she will be pigeon holed straight away and this young age. She had never had a problem learning and nobody had flagged this before, in fact I’d say the opposite. Her speech is better than some children that are 2 years older than her. I had reservations about sending her this year anyway, I felt she may not be ready but she really wanted to go. I also am slightly dissolution ed with whole school system anyway, so for me it’s sadly confirmed many reservations I’ve had. I do not want her to be off as a 4 year old and she’s already had a very tough start in life.

The teacher says if she doesn’t catch up now the gap will get bigger, I found this a very negative thing to say. I know in other countries they don’t even start this stuff until 6 or 7? And they do just fine. But straight away the pressure is on. We will try and help her catch up, but just this morning after the teacher said she didn’t recognise numbers we nearly filmed her doing it as she recognised them all!! And she has done for a long time. I did point out to the teacher that she just doesn’t know the name of the game yet and that she needs to know these things, so it’s more immaturity than anything else.

any thoughts or advice

OP, you've chosen an establishment to send your child to. There is a professional teaching your daughter, who has assessed her and is telling you results of that assessment, which you seem to refuse to accept.
Assessments aren't designed to test what a child can do at home. They're designed to test what they can do at school.
The school have reacted appropriately by putting interventions in place to support your daughter.
It sounds like you don't like the school, and it's not for you. Move her or home educate if you don't like it.

FGS she’s 4, seriously don’t worry.

I’m sorry you are feeling a little winded by this OP, I’m not surprised as it’s never nice to think of our children struggling.

I have a Summer Born and a situation like this was something I really worried about which is why I delayed his school start and sent him to school just after his 5th birthday instead of just after his 4th.

I wasn’t particularly concerned about my son’s learning abilities but o knew he wasn’t emotionally or socially mature enough at just turned 4 to cope with the formal expectations of schooling. Although Reception is okay based, there is still a lot of behind-the-scenes learning going on and children are being measured against each other whether they are the oldest in the class or the youngest in the class, so it is very likely the youngest ones are labelled as ‘behind’ when in fact they are completely where they should be based on their developmental/learning abilities as a just turned 4 year old.

I remember when we had our first parent’s evening in Reception and the teacher said that our son was doing real and hitting all milestones but that if we’d sent him to a school the previous year, I.e just after his fourth birthday, then he would have sunk!

It’s really positive that concerns have been raised early but it must sting to know she’s being classed as ‘struggling’ when in fact it’s only because she’s being compared to children who are a lot older than her and so they will have some advantage over her.

It’s for reasons like that that so many countries do not make children start school so young.

if the teacher is just focusing on negatives then it could well be that your child has picked up on this a little and doesn’t feel comfortable enough so show what she knows…

Don’t worry - I have twins, birthday is end of July. One got reading etc straight away and the other couldn’t read at all at end of reception (I suspect she’s slightly dyslexic). Anyway she’s now in her final year studying dentistry. I do think she’d have benefitted from starting school a year later but we were told by the head that this wasn’t an option. The spectrum of achievement in the early years must be huge as you point out - the eldest are proportionately so much older than the younger ones.

school will have completed Reception Baseline Assessment and noticed some gaps. They’ve acted on this which is great. Maybe you could ask which areas and support rather than moaning about the school/teacher who are actually doing their job. Would you rather them do nothing and the gaps grow?

you repeatedly say you have a background in education but are you actually a teacher? If so you’d understand this and know that children can present differently at school and home as the context is so different. I’m surprised, with your back ground in education, you didn’t know about the RBA or properly research the school to understand their curriculum and pedagogy. But if you can do better you can always home educate and someone who is supportive of school can have the place.

OP I think you really need to get some perspective on this. I am guessing she is your oldest or only child. I think your mama bear instincts have been triggered and you are acting like you need to defend and protect her - she doesn't need defending or protecting. She's four - she's been at school a short period...if you are going to get this upset over a teacher's comment you are in for a very long ride. Nothing is going to change after your parent evening - the teacher will continue to do what she thinks is best at school, you will continue to do what you think is best at home - and when your daughter settles in fully hopefully she will show the teacher the skills she has learnt at home at school and this episode of strong feelings from you will be a thing of the past.

Agree with @HeadAgainstWall0923
age gaps between children are developmentally huge. Just keep supporting your child and raise any concerns that aren't being heard by teacher with head if nec. Lucky you have education background as you will have a better ability to evaluate your child as well as advocate. Some patents might panic hearing their child is "behind."

We went through this with our son. July birthday, frequently told that he was struggling, not paying attention etc.
When he was 9 we had him assessed and were told that he had some signs of dyslexia. He had a year of private tuition with a dyslexia specialist.
He’s now in his thirties, has a first class degree from Oxford, won the exam prizes every year at Oxford and has a demanding job in central London.
Not bad for a little boy that was ‘written off’ by his primary school!

My nephew - May birthday - really struggled right through Primary. My sister was quite concerned about him. He’s currently a year 4 Medical Student!

Thank you for your replies. I’ve taken it on board.

sadly some people have seen this as an opportunity to attack me. So I’m going to leave it there.

There has been some very helpful advice

I'd be more concerned about the teacher than your child. It's not even been a full term yet.

My child was in an intervention group in year 1- also the youngest in her class. We did our best to bring her back up, but ultimately I felt as though once the school labels your child as failing they are left with that stigma and treated different( maybe most not all schools)

i think there is a general problem with teachers being able to cope and therefore accurately access 30 + kids accurately. Honestly I don’t know how In 6 weeks they could have labelled your child as needig intervention!! What if she’s just adjusting to school life and wasn’t in the mood to show her true ability when being assessed- in my honest opinion the schools nowadays don’t have resources to help a child that is “failing” it will be down to the parents.

ultimately we moved our child to a different school with smaller classes. - my daughter is now thriving - although still not the best at English she’s advanced in maths. - definitely not labelled as failing or needing intervention. I think the difference with this school is they are able to find the time to assess each child properly based on how they learn. - not just following a tick box.

She's only 4 bless her. They said the same about my son who was one of the youngest that year at 4, everything was negative, not one good thing. So disheartening. He's a great little boy now at 10, lockdown set them all back so he's still behind in some thigns but it'll be fine.

This is exactly it! Sadly some people have just attacked me on here as moaning about the teacher and not preparing my 4 year old for school, or that I don’t need to protect her from this.

You have actually got my point completely. I’m not moaning about the teacher, she’s doing her job and of course she has to tell us. But I’m slightly flabbergasted that she had done this so soon. I did want her labelled as falling behind so early and I did raise this with the teacher, that whilst I’m supportive of any interventions taking place, ultimately I do not want her labelled dir to this, I know from experience that this can follow them throughout their school life, call me being overprotective but I’ve seen it happen. The failing child.

I know it’s about targets, but as we e pointed out there has to be some leeway towards difference in age - there is going to be a difference.

My background is education, but haven’t been in that setting for a few years, and yes, I don’t like the way education system is going in the UK. We do label kids far too young, and although we won’t necessarily get away from assessment there has to be other ways of doing it. I have thought about home Ed, but right now we thought this was the best thing.

They are doing something about it! Interventions and informing the parents!

Sounds like your child is struggling with being in school, she is probably very thrown by it (it’s been 4 weeks and as you point out she’s very young in her class) and it makes her hesitant to say what she knows. This is coming across as not knowing.
The teacher sounds like a dick tbh but you will win some and lose some with teachers. Sad for you this one is not bringing the best out in your child. I got ok reports from my daughter (who sounds much like yours) when she went to nursery first parents evening, second one they said she is like a different child, so bright and bubbly, answering all the questions… I was like yes that’s who she is. It just took her nearly 6 months to come out of her shell and show her little brain firing away. I had no idea! She had settled into pre school really easily so I didn’t bat an eye lid about her going to nursery (in a school) but she had got self conscious about this for some reason and wasn’t able to shine.
Just focus on keeping school positive and she will get there. She’s probably overwhelmed bless her.

Have you considered withdrawing her and starting reception again next year? That’s not me saying she needs to of course, just asking whether it’s something you’ve considered in light of how much this has affected you?

I haven’t had a chance to read the entire thread OP but please don’t be disheartened by one parents evening- I do think the teacher should have focused on discussing how your child is settling in the school rather than how she’s behind. Sounds like she could have handled that better. I agree with posters who say she’s probably not showing them what she’s capable of - it’s a new environment where she’s not entirely comfortable yet. Please please don’t think this is a reflection on how it’s going to be for life - children shine when it’s their time!!

If you know your dd recognises her phonics at home and can recall them and she’s good with numbers, I would try not to worry. Children can sometimes be different at home than at school. There are lots of distractions at school and so many new routines to learn. I am sure you dc will soon show her teacher of what she is capable of. I would try to see it as positive that the teacher is giving her extra focus and support as that will only help in the end.

This is terrible I have never heard anything like this for reception age children, do you think your DD is Just feeling shy at school and not opening up to the teacher? I can see why if that’s how she’s acting.
Do you know many of the mums to see what she’s said about others?

You are right to worry about her being pigeon-holed OP.

My experience of primary education is the ones who are considered clever are pushed and the others just coast along. Then at secondary it all changes and these special kids are no longer clever. They just do pretty writing and don’t get bored easily. Which to be fair is probably useful in some ways 🤣🤷🏻‍♀️

What I will say is it feels very personal when it’s your child. My daughter when in nursery was told she needed to do more in the outdoor area to show her gross motor skills. She rode a bike at 4, gymnastics as soon as she turned 5 etc so it was ridiculous for me to be upset but I was furious! I’m a really calm person but I was so worked up that I demanded a meeting 😬 I now realise it was just meant to help.

Im a reception teacher and there’s lots of play, focusing on the whole child, developing their personality etc. it’s a lovely year but we try and get in there early to ensure their phobics and early maths is progressing. It might not even be an issue in a few months. Maybe she worded it clumsily. I’m sure your daughter will be fine with a few extra phonics games at home as well as at school. Good luck.

Sorry OP, final reply from me! My other daughter was also quieter in reception, she took a while to show what she could do. She wasn’t one that stood out immediately and has been a slow burner but now in juniors she’s at expected with greater depth in one area.

It is clear that you AGREE that your DD is too young to meet the demands of the education she is currently receiving. Did you consider the option of waiting until she is 5 to start school? You chose to send her to school, knowing that the other children in her class are likely to be older and more mature.

Your DD is younger than the other children in the class. Therefore she is currently not meeting the same social and educational standards as her peers. This is not an unexpected outcome: attainment is age-related, especially in young children.

You and your daughter are lucky: You are 6 weeks into the school year and your daughter's teacher has already noticed and is DOING something about this.

The teacher is also "old and experienced", which is an added bonus: She knows what she is talking about (to the extent that you have even presumed that she doesn't need to work weekends)

You need to do a few things:

1. Accept that as your daughter is younger than her peers, she is currently performing behind them
2. Continue working with her at home, just like most parents do with their kids
3. Wait for her to catch up and make sure she still has the chance to do younger things at home. TBF: academic rigour is tough on all kids and we should let them be children for as long as they like
4. Be grateful that the UK education system still has decent teachers who can do their job