Told my 4 year old is behind at school

[dual90]

So yesterday we went to parents evening at my DD school. I kind of knew it wouldn’t be all that positive because a week before we had been invited into the school to view one of the classes. My DD was not her best that day, crying and clingy. I noticed she was being placed at the front of the class which I know isn’t a good sign! I come from an education background- so I’m well aware of certain words like ‘interventions’ etc.

My DD is one of the youngest in the class, so she’s on the bottom 5th age bracket as she is a summer baby. The teacher just seemed to focus on the negatives, but threw in she plays well and is happy! But then launched into she’s struggling with the learning and is not ‘retaining’ and information! I did challenge her on this as at home she makes all the sounds for phonics and recognition letters. She’s also been deemed as bright in nursery and counting to 20 since she was 2! She’s interested in numbers and counts a lot and she’s been doing this for a while. She then says she didn’t recognise numbers, again we challenged her on that too as she does recognise them at home. She seemed a little baffled and kept saying she was ‘behind her peers’.

For a start I thought most learning in reception was play based and we would t have this kind of pressure this early only 4 weeks into term and being told she is not matching up! I did say to the teacher that developmentally there is going to be huge differences in learning just by the sheer difference in age for some of the children, she firstly agreed with that then contradicted it by saying she has other kids the same age who are coping fine. But we still said she seems to be doing fine with these things when she’s at home. We also have no idea what it is she is supposed to be learning. She says she’s in a small ‘intervention’ group. I find this concerning that this is already happening and quite worried she will be pigeon holed straight away and this young age. She had never had a problem learning and nobody had flagged this before, in fact I’d say the opposite. Her speech is better than some children that are 2 years older than her. I had reservations about sending her this year anyway, I felt she may not be ready but she really wanted to go. I also am slightly dissolution ed with whole school system anyway, so for me it’s sadly confirmed many reservations I’ve had. I do not want her to be off as a 4 year old and she’s already had a very tough start in life.

The teacher says if she doesn’t catch up now the gap will get bigger, I found this a very negative thing to say. I know in other countries they don’t even start this stuff until 6 or 7? And they do just fine. But straight away the pressure is on. We will try and help her catch up, but just this morning after the teacher said she didn’t recognise numbers we nearly filmed her doing it as she recognised them all!! And she has done for a long time. I did point out to the teacher that she just doesn’t know the name of the game yet and that she needs to know these things, so it’s more immaturity than anything else.

any thoughts or advice

It has crossed my mind, but we need to see if she catches up, which I’m pretty confident she will. However, if we see no improvement by Christmas in terms of how the school is seeing things, I may just say we start again next year.

The truth is my education badly affected by a teacher, who should not have been working with children, had favourites and basically had written off children in her class. This followed throughout my school life, I had an unhappy school life because of it. I did go to Uni and achieve my goals, but it was an uphill struggle, after working in education I’ve realised sadly these things still exist, hence why I think alternative education and home Ed are on the rise. People are just slowly losing faith, so yes, this has affected me, I simply cannot let my daughter go through the same. We chose the school, she did get a place there, but honestly if academic achievement is so important this early then they should have a bloody entrance exam!

The school are helping her,and I’m fully supportive of that, but as I’ve explained these are my concerns right off the bat. I know there will be ups and downs throughout her whole education. She also had s tough start in life due to s medical condition ( it certainly doesn’t affect her ability to learn) so of course I’m deeply triggered by being told there is something not right with my child. Call that sn over reaction if you will. There has also been other issues over the past year that have made me wonder if we need time to recover from that as s family as have a fresh start when she’s five. But the teacher was quick to point out how happy she was - and could I really start her in that same school with all her friends going into year 1? Obviously this has worried me slightly.

She’s 4, as in not been 4 for very long and a teacher is speaking like this? Utter bloody madness. No wonder there are so many mental health problems in British school children when they’re thought of like this at 4.
Now I know why I’m in favour of home schooling , and I was a primary teacher for several years.

Carry on what you’re doing at home, encourage her to join in fun activities, play all she wants with her friends, sing and dance if she wants to. 4 year olds should be digging for worms and having fun learning, not being put on a conveyor belt of teaching.

My close family friend's daughter started school at the same time as my Son (how we met). She was/is a June baby and didn't really like school for a long time. Her attendance wasn't good and she was behind with reading/phonics etc. It all really clicked into place when she got to 7. If you look at her now, she's just got a load of top grades in her GCSEs, she did her Maths GCSE a year early. When she was 14 she got a place at a specialist school for Art. She's now doing a Art diploma, as well as History A'Level, does Ted talks and is one of the most confident and articulate people I know.

I was told my DS was significantly behind at the end of reception, yr1 & yr2. He just got all As and above at GCSE. Don’t stress just yet💐

It sounds like she might not be comfortable performing these tasks in school so they think she doesn’t know how to do them. A bit of 1-2-1 or small group support could be beneficial, but I’d try and have another meeting with the teacher and someone from senior leadership, film her doing these things and ask for her to get more pastoral support. I’d be more concerned about her getting support with the social and emotional side and being comfortable with school than academic at this point. She could also be very tired if a summer baby, school seems to be a lot more intense than nursery, even if they are used to full days.

How can you be behind at 4, after 6 weeks?

My DS was always sticking boxes to other boxes and bringing them home or playing dinosaurs. They use to bribe him to write a sentence about his boxes or he couldn’t bring them home

The truth is my education badly affected by a teacher

Ah, here we get to the nub of it at last. You must stop projecting this against your daughter. She isn't you and and your defensiveness isn't going to help her.

On the one hand you say that she is too young for you to be having this kind of feedback. On the other hand you are mystified because the nursery didn’t say anything. At what age do you think you should get the feedback? A lot of teachers don’t say anything to parents because they think it will upset them but I’m not sure teachers should keep this type of information to themselves.

We did get feedback from the nursery. It’s all positive. In fact the opposite of what we have been told from the school.

I certainly didn’t say I didn’t want feedback.

I had summer babies and I found they struggled most the first couple of years as they weren't quite ready for the structure. After that they did fine. I found GCSE year another problem area as they weren't quite mature enough to study properly but the following year at college they were more focused.

I've got a January baby too and she didn't have the same issues so it was definitely an immaturity thing.

They all did fine as they left the school system and into further education though.

A friend's daughter (August birthday) struggled in her first year of reception to the extent that she was flagged for SEN - though never statemented. She ended up attending school part time for most of reception year. It was just due to being August born. She was fully level with her peers once she was in key stage 2, and ended up going to Oxford university.

For another child in the same year, being August born and very premature, reception was too much too young. Eventually she was allowed to drop back a year by the LEA and instead of continuing into year 2, was allowed to join another school in year one. From which point she thrived.

We did get feedback from nursery and it was all positive and opposite from what we are being told from the school.

I certainly didn’t say I didn’t want feedback. What I was surprised is this kind of feedback this early.

I meant the less positive feedback. When do think that should be told to parents?

Did she go to a preschool nursery or day care nursery. We found that in our primary school the preschool was private but attached and shared a classroom with the the reception class. In pre school the spent a lot of time n phonics - they had all the initial sounds completed. Same with numbers. They were doing quite formal learning on short bouts during the day as well as their play. And the reception and nursery all mix. The kids that had been at day care and not pre school seemed to take longer to settle into the reception routine as they’d not had that before. Our nursery class was taken to church and to assemblies occasionally for example to get the used to sitting etc. my August borns are bright for their ages but did lack maturity at that age. Interventions aren’t a swear word! They’re not negative. They’ve just noticed that compared to the whole class there are a small number who need some extra input. So they are helping to bring her up to speed. This might be something that happens for a year or two and never again. Both my kids are August babies and there is a massive difference. Now at high school they are both in top sets but I can see that compared to their peers they definitely appear younger.

She is 4 -she has been at school 4 weeks fffs.

OP - summer born premature boy here. OMG he struggled when he started.
Could have written the same as you except one thing - the teachers highlighted issues in Yr 1/2 not one month in to starting school . They were v calm said most of these things will resolve and give it time.
If the family set up is supportive and not jumping straight into tutoring then the likelihood is she will come good. What I learned was 80% of his class were going to Kumon on the side!
At age 7 - we got some reading help as it was becoming more of an issue and the school flagged it and suggested it - we took it.

He did GCSEs this year - 4x 8s, 3x 7s, 1x6 and 1x5

Hang in and let her be her age

Sounds like your child isn’t suited to their ways of teaching.

find a better fit for your daughter, rather than good results of a particular school

My ds (also now 20) was end of May baby and struggled a bit in reception and year 1. He does have ASD and a sensory processing disorder (undiagnosed at that point) and at the time was mostly non verbal. He was given an IEP but generally the school seemed to assume he was stupid and that was okay. He didn't learn to read until he was 7 but was always very good at maths. His school classes were reception, year one, year one/ two and year two and he went from reception to year one instead of the year one/ two class but then he went straight to year two. I just continued what I was doing at home, intensive speech therapy (a mother recommended someone as the NHS one was not much use) and I finally managed to teach him to read. He got all level 6s in his year 6 SATs so they do catch up.
My eldest one started school aged 7 as we'd lived abroad and as she wasn't interested in learning to read I didn't push it. She ended up doing medicine at Cambridge so obviously didn't hold her back.

This is what we have been told! We have te first parents eve next week and been told it won’t be about academics at all as it’s too early! It’s all about how they’ve settled. So your school must be particularly pushy / academic I’d say.

I'm a summer baby and was always one of the youngest in my class. I was never 'behind' and my reading was one of the best in the class, on par with a September born girl. There were many autumn babies that weren't good at reading so it's not necessarily to do with age.

What does the teacher mean by being 'behind' already? Can your daughter spell and recognise her name and simple 3 letter words? If the teacher has recognised that your dd needs additional help then that's a good thing.

I would literally take her out and look elsewhere, unless you truly want your kid to be in a very “results driven” environment.
I grew up like that and believe me, it was hell. Not that I gained anything from it either, I hated it so much I didn’t even get my uni degree - as soon as I had a choice I left it behind.
I have a 3 year old now, and we’ll be very careful with these type of institutions. It’s not actually proven that forcing kids academically at this early age does any good at all.

That’s why sometimes the sooner you make the decision, the better.

Me and my friend both had our August babies within 5 days of each other and whereas I delayed my son’s start, she sent her son just after his 4th birthday so is in the year above mine.

He started off with a similar picture to yours, but the gap kept widening and as the other children progressed he just plateaued, partly I think because of his low confidence. He’s in Year 2 now and he continues to be “struggle” and his behaviour is now worsening in class….it’s almost like he’s just stopped bothering to try because he knows he isn’t as able as the other children. I think he was labelled as being “behind” and was pigeon-holed in reception and it’s just spiralled from there.

There is so much research out there about the detrimental effects of being a Summer Born in terms of a child’s academic outcome and their mental health and how that disadvantage can last for the duration of their schooling.

My friend is now in talks with her son’s teachers to try and get him moved back to Year 1 so he can repeat the year (in the sense that that’s where he’d be if she had delayed his start) but it is turning out to be very challenging.

She said now he is the formal education stage which is Year 1 and above she’s been told it’s not as simple as just moving him back a year, whereas in reception it’s as simple as removing them.

She really wishes she’d deferred her son - especially when she can see how much my son is thriving in comparison to hers. I really feel for her.

There is nothing wrong at all with how you have responded to this news and I don’t think your concerns are over-reactive at all. I would feel as upset and worried as you are if I was in your position.

It's the nature of the current education system in the UK. What would concern me, like you, is the discrepancy between home and school. I'd be inclined to just observe the situation between now and end of term. If there is no improvement by then, start to consider what practical options are open to you as a family, and what the school can offer to improve things (or not).

OP I wouldn't worry. Those first parents evenings can be brutal,. Everyone hopes they will be the one to hear that their child is 'a pleasure to have in class/settling really well/doing really well/appears really bright' and it's not always the case, but they are so young still so don't write her off. Don't be defensive and try to assess her yourself. Listen to what the teacher has to say, take cues on how you can reinforce at home and she will be fine. There is so much assessment these days compared with when we were at school - it seems crazy. She has many, many yeas of school ahead and each child comes into their own at a different time (some way beyond their school years).

you've been told a lie, children who are behind in reception do regularly catch up and exceed others. Like you say, many countries don’t begin formal education till 7 years old.

besides she’s only 4 weeks into the reception term, I doubt the teacher has a real grasp of her abilities. My son managed to go through primary school giving all teachers the impression he was low ability, it was only in year 6 they realised he was incredibly bright but unmotivated

No need to see this as “pressure” - if the teaching is good, she’ll be perfectly happy in the small intervention group now and then and won’t be placing the label on it that you are.

Also, I was “written off” by age 7 and a move of school and very focused interventions did the trick very quickly and I became a good academic achiever by GCSE - so keep an eye on how things progress but don’t panic and think this has started something which will carry on throughout her time at school.