Angry about class split

[Annlenna]

My son’s school school is splitting the Y1 classes next year and just found out he has been split from his two close friends and most of his other friends. My son hasn’t found out yet but I’m absolutely devastated.

I do understand the school have their own criteria but, as a mum, I’m looking out for my son and I firmly believe this is not going to benefit him. We already struggled with school at the start of Reception so really don’t want to go back to him begging not to go to school.

I’m planning of requesting a meeting with the school to discuss so any tips on how to approach it with the school? Anyone managed to make the school change their mind?

That is true in the best world.

My experience though is that sometimes schools have arbitrary rules such as ‘we always split friends’ or they dont notice some children struggling because children can be masters at putting a good front at school and then fall apart at home (I had one if those. No one ever wanted to believe me when I described the huge meltdowns coming back home….).
And let’s be honest, some teachers are just oblivious/not very good at their job too, like any profession.

I wouldn’t ever assume that teachers always know best. Because it’s not unusual that they don’t.

Kids adapt very quickly.

@Louoby , it’s SOME kids adapt quickly. Not all of them. Maybe the majority does . But some kids do NOT adapt easily at all.

And if the OP’s dc was adapting easily, he wouldn’t have had a rough time at the start if this year!
Maybe in a year or two, he’ll be fine. But I would never assume that ALL children will adapt quickly because it’s simply not the case.

This happened to my DD and it was honestly the best thing that could have happened.

What’s the worst thing that’s going to happen?
Chances are they aren’t seated next to each other in class anyway.

Your son will still be able to play at break times.
But he’ll have the opportunity to make new friends and be in a class that is more suited to him.

I would at least try it for a few weeks.

I think it’s worth remembering that friendships can be very fluid at this age.

I remember when mine went into reception the classes were mixed and one friend’s dd had been put in the other class away from her then best friend from preschool. Friend was devastated because she felt that her dd was going to suffer although was adamant that her dd and this girl would be best friends forever.

She went into the school and they did agree to put her dd in the other class. And she and the best friend had fallen out by the next term and moved on to have other “best friends”.

Unless your DC has been put in a class with someone who previously bullied them or otherwise poses a clear threat to them, you really shouldn't be getting so upset about it. Basing decisions on keeping large groups of friends together isn't the best idea anyway. Friendships are largely temporary / fluid at this age. They meet new people and expand the group, fall out, decide they want to play a new game your DC doesn't want to join in with etc etc quite regularly. Or the best friend's parent gets a new job or new home far enough away that they move schools etc - which you can't control and you will need to help DC develop the skills to deal with changes to friendships.

He will make new friends in his class and play with his old ones at break and lunchtime, that's life and he will survive .

There are so many things that go into making these decisions.
Friendships is something that schools consider. Sometimes the decision is made to split "best friends" it can be in their interest to encourage a wider friendship group if children are dependent on each other.
I teach in a one form entry school and to be quite honest my year 5s constantly squabble as after so many years with just the 24 of them, with no newcomers since year 2, they argue like siblings.
It would have done them the world of good had we been able to split some of the most intense friendships.

This happened by child
i was devastated
They weren’t
made new friends had a great year and built resilience
let them at it! You won’t always be there to fight their battles

What parent? As both a head of year and form
tutor I value constructive relationships with parents. As long as their requests/concerns are reasonable and not insanely frequent it’s fine. Doesn’t mean they will necessarily get what they want, but no harm in asking.

I don't understand why so many people are saying mixing up classes every year and being forced to make new friendships is good for children.

Stability is good for children. Security is good for children. Children who move around in military families or who are moved from country to country as they grow up have issues that don't occur when you have more stability.

I don't think being forced to changed friendship groups every year is good for most children.

You should ask the school about it and tell them it's splitting up his friendship group.

Our school do this, but they ask each child to nominate 3 people they’d want to be in a class with and guarantee they’ll be with one. Did you school do this?

or is there a parents evening you can raise your concerns at?

Sometimes the decision is made to split "best friends" it can be in their interest to encourage a wider friendship group if children are dependent on each other.

or you get situations where one child is v possessive of another and won’t let them branch out. DD experienced borderline coercive control in year 1.

Do be that parent. Go and advocate for him whilst listening to their reasons. My daughter was split from all her friends at reception, we queried it and were told oh she gets on with everyone she will be fine. Six weeks in to year one we were called in to discuss how she struggled with friendships. Erm no you split her off from her group. It took to year 3 for her to settle with a new group, wish we’d got her moved back with her friends, it was horrid for her. Yes schools have reasons but they are best on the macro not necessarily micro level.

As my son moved into his final year of primary, he was split from a lot of his friends and put into a composite class. Had always been in the same class right up to that point. Aged 10 at the time.

He was really upset, and I was upset for him, but I let it happen. I knew he was going to high school the following year and would have to get used to being around a whole new class of people that he'd never even met.

There were a few occasions where he wasn't quite invited to parties or whatever as quickly as the others and he would still get upset and say it was because he had been split from his friends And he might have been right, but the invites came in the end.

Now at nearly 19, he is still friends with so many of that first class, and I can't keep up with all the new friends he continues to make.

So at aged 5, I really don't think you should make anything of it. It's not necessarily a bad thing. Your DC is young and it might well be a huge positive for them in terms of adaptability and social skills.

I would definitely ask if there were reasons,

If those reasons related to another child or children, the teacher wouldn't be able to say, except in the most general terms.

I don't think being forced to changed friendship groups every year is good for most children.

They are not being 'forced to change friendship groups'. They can still play with their friends at break times and see them out of school. They still go to the same school and have the same routines - it's not a bit like children in military families moving to an entirely new home and new school every couple of years.

So the classes have to run to what you want, forget about any other parent or child just change things for you?

I would speak to the school and try and get him changed to the other class. Yes, the school may well have their reasons, but that's not your problem. As parents it's our job to do what we think is best for our children. Stick to your guns.

It's bothering you, so by all means ask for more information. I wouldn't go in demanding he is moved. It may not be the best thing for him but express your concerns and they can take it from there.
FWIW, my daughter is in the same class as her 2 best friends but they don't sit on the same table so she doesn't actually have much time with them inside the classroom anyways

Honestly don’t ask the school to change his class. They can’t pander to the whims of parents on things like this. He’ll still see his friends at break times.

Trust the professionals!! They know what they’re doing and they do this for a reason.

I did a similar thing with my first child… asked if he could be kept with his best friend. They honoured it and it was the worse thing ever! Years later , I said to the head about it and she said we did want to split them but you wanted otherwise. What could I say to that?

Now with my other child, I go with the school’s decision. They have just split up my child from
the majority of her friends and I’m going with it . I trust them entirely and have a very good relationship with them.

I would never ask this question again!

Personally I'd be that mum. Do it quickly because other parents will. And then it gets trickier to rectify.

Advocate for your child. You know them. I doubt very much at this stage they know him as well as you.

This has happened to my child and wasn't in their best interests.It was just admin to the school.

I always say 'be that mum'. Who the F cares? Your child is more important than what the school care to think.

And believe me there are always parents 10 worse than you.

This

I wouldn’t go in all guns blazing but there’s nothing wrong with asking to discuss it. DS was separated from his best friends this time last year and I had a chat with the head about it, he explained their reasoning and we agreed that if DS was struggling at autumn half term, we could revisit it. I felt a lot better after we’d had a chat. As it happens, DS settled well and made some new friends. They’ve reshuffled them again this year and he’s with some of his old friends and some of his new ones, and he’s pretty happy even though he’s still not with his best mate because they spend every playtime together anyway.

The fact that our primary school shuffles its mixed year group classes every year is hands down the best thing about it. It really helps children form friendships with a broad range of others and strengthens the school community. The deep friendships my children have have survived the changes.

As parent to a child with SEN I do have a small amount of say in the process, in as much as I can request certain considerations are made over teaching style, but apart from that I put my trust in the school and it’s worked out so far. We did have one disastrous year for my youngest with a job share, but again considering his SEN then school know that that arrangement doesn’t work for him and hopefully they won’t do it again.

You say he has been separated from ‘most’ of his friends. That’s not the same as being separated from one best friend (which can be a good idea sometimes). Does that mean if he went back to join them there would be one of the original friendship group left on their own? That would be unkind. There are lots of reasons why friendship groups get broken up - differing abilities, being silly together, being too dependent on one friend and the other friend not liking it, needing to balance needs in a class…