Long commute for primary school, was it REALLY bad?

[namethattunein1]

For a variety of reasons our DC will be starting reception and commuting 45 mins each way (by public transport) one train ride about 30 mins, allowing 5 mins walk to local train station and 10 mins walk from school's local train station to the school gate.
We know its not ideal and it will be a strain as most of DC's new classmates at the school would live closer to the school than the 9 miles away, we are. Also of course it will be a strain , 90 minutes commuting at 4 years old every day, but weighing how brilliant the school appears to be, and our DC being a very high energy, very confident kid who should thrive at the school, the good seems to outweigh the bad on paper. A good education for our DC is very, very important for us. We've done a few dry runs and the train is a suburban line where we can get seats both in the morning and coming back and never too crowded.

For those that did a long commute for primary, was it as hellish as it seems?

I should add if its soul destroying for our child, we will withdraw from the school. I should also add the school is a private primary school that feeds brilliant grammar and private schools. From our research our DC won't be the only child coming from a far distance, but certainly will be in the minority.

@namethattunein1 we have done it, it’s fine as long as you are aware of the pros and cons. In fact this school suspiciously sounds like ours with its wide catchment area and a suburban train line..

But we preferred the school bus over the train (if that’s a possibility) as DS had more fun and was happy to make new friends on the bus and chat/play together. We did take the train a few times, but he didn’t enjoy my company so much after about Y3 or so and wanted to be on the bus with friends.

Play dates and sports matches are a pain but we got used to it!

But we preferred the school bus

That is completely different . Door to door is possible, lots of rural kids do it. Train and reasonable walk plus wrap around care is a different kettle of fish.

@Ducksurprise I know. But our school only offered buses to those above Y3 so we had to do it by train until then. I don’t think it was easy at all, but it was worth it for a good school and we managed between DH and I. I think that’s a key question for OP - is the school worth the extra hassle?

We did 90 minutes plus each way from Y1. DD didn't find it a problem at all.

She's doing the same for Secondary - now in Y9.

One question, I suppose: what will you do if you find that your DC are really miserable, meaning behaviour, school or friend engagement, or sleep, goes sideways because of the demands of their week/journey/term?

All of the above comes up in primary kids for a while at some point because of the changing demands of each year and each term, even if their wellbeing is looked after well. They may grow out of it, but you can expect at least a couple of occasions when not everything comes up roses.

Why a 3 hour commute? I can not even imagine why a parent would want to do 3 hours a day travelling for a 6 hour school day?!?

Why? Just why ... am sure you just want the best for your child but are its needs so unique they can't be met anywhere closer? What a catastrophic waste of time. We lived opposite our primary, so 30' commute ... and we had so much time before and after school. Think what you could achieve at home with those three hours every day.

Yes a total waste of time. Add it up and think of all that time of your child’s life that will be wasted travelling, unnecessary.

No this is a crazy idea. Youll likely do it for a couple of terms and then need to stop as it just isn't practical.

One of the closer independents or evennthe state school will be far better and you can always change again at 7/11 when he will never a different child.

I've know many adults give up jobs with 90 min commutes as it's such a boring way to spend 3 hours a day when there are so many better things to be doing

@OhCrumbsWhereNow Unless you live on a remote Scottish isle – or your child is going to either a specialist school (drama, music) or has SEN that can only be served by a specific school – a 90-min commute each way is almost unbelievable.

Why would you do this? I have a 40-min commute and work 8.5 hours inc a lunch hour; yet your DD’s school day (assuming 8.30-3.30) is longer than mine. Is she actually OK with it? Why on earth do you not move nearer – or accept that a more local school must be better. I cannot imagine commuting an hour and a half to school. Where we live that would get you through our city, to the next city and out the other side. You could travel 50 miles by public transport in that time (and a lot further by car).

We moved out of London to a rural location at a time when there were major long-term train strike issues - local primary had no places, nobody local that we knew for child-care and DH and I were both commuting for work, so we all just did the journey together.

The nearest local secondary ("Requires Improvement") either doesn't do the subjects DD is interested in or not to a high level, and was a 45 minute journey including a long walk, and other two decent secondaries in the area involved getting a bus at the same time she leaves the house now, and then after an hour round the villages, drop her at school 40 minutes before the start time.

Instead, she opts to travel into London for a school that specialises in music and where she can then attend all the London-based after-school classes that she has without having to commute in at the end of the day.

Part of the 90 minutes is almost an hour on one train with a guaranteed seat - so DD gets all her homework done before she gets home, or just watches netflix on their wifi. The other train she meets up with all her friends to travel in and out together.

She's never complained about the journey (she stays late at school 2 nights a week for clubs out of choice), and her secondary has a lottery entry so most children are travelling in from some distance, so no issues with local friends etc. She's not the longest commute either.

Everyone said we were mad and we'd change it after 3 weeks... been 7 years and not found it a problem.

For Primary, DH and I wouldn't have been home until after 6pm, so it would have meant DD going to childminder before school, then after-school club and then to a childminder every afternoon.

She got to spend far more time with us by commuting in as well. Plus played a lot of card games, board games etc. It was quite nice getting the chance to chat for a couple of hours a day too.

We had no choice initially in any case - just turned out that it suited us.

I think it's very different in late juniours than starting infants. I had a public transport commute for a while on the bus but did end up moving to a closer school.

My kids school is 5 minutes away, they were absolutely shattered at the beginning and at after each holiday but that was partly the switching in and out of lockdown.

All of that said, if you think it's the best school for LO that's really important and definitely worth a go.

Plenty of kids are in breakfast club from 8am and after school club till 6pm at reception age so it's definitely not undoable.

Either in reception or year 1 a lot of kids stop telling you about their day straight after school, and sometimes misbehave- they have to hold themselves together all day and it starts spilling out after school where they need to let loose or push some boundaries. (You don't have to tolerate bad behaviour but it's good to know it's common/ why it happens.) I only mention this as you might think it's the commute that's the aggravating factor but it's fairly common amongst kids starting school.

For what it's worth, DS goes to a school which is 2.5 miles away from home and it takes me half the commute time you're looking at because of traffic, parking etc. some days are ridiculous. I don't think your commute time is too much to be honest.

I'd be more concerned about having a plan in place for the unexpected. The phone call hime cos they don't feel well, the forgotten PE kit, the train strikes etc. one thing a friend of mine has commented on about her child in PS is the amount of homework he gets - Lots, daily so factor that into your decisions too. Reading could be done on the train, maybe even any online suites they might use tor homework depending on internet connect toon but, written work/project work maybe not so much.

if you're happy that you can account for all of those and you're happier with that school and it's logistical cons than you are with local schools and their easier logistics then go for it.

You will manage if you have no choice. I used to do it with my two children with them both attending early morning club and after school club.

it wasn’t ideal though and the journey definitely wore us out. Ended up moving in the end

I think it's not just whether the commute is manageable/whether the school is genuinely THE BEST (🤔) that is the issue here.

The issue is what will the kid be missing out on by spending so long travelling and living so far from school.

To under estimate how important a short walk to school/local playdates/lots of local friends is is to not understand a small child.

It's also missing the point that being grounded in a local community is an amazing thing once they're teenagers.

It's a choice OP has already made despite knowing deep down it doesn't make sense. If the school is really the only one acceptable then surely, move closer???

I would be most concerned about playdates, parties etc and making sure DC has a chance to get to know and play with others. It can be an issue if lots of others do this and some children can’t, depending on personalities. Also for parties and play dates in the older years when DC will want to be doing what their friends are doing.

I thought we'd stick with DS's school when we moved as it was only half an hour drive and he was settled. It was hell, took a lot longer due to traffic and needing to leave early to get parking. We lasted a term before I put him on the waiting list for any school in walking distance, it took 6 months for a place to come up at the closest and we were both very fed up by that point.
Now his older he loves that most his friends are in walking distance.

This is a good point. I grew up as Catholic and had to attend a school on the other side of town. Aside from the hassle of dealing with two buses and having to get them early enough to deal with a delay on either, it was crap that I was so far from friends until I was an older teenager. I remember my mum coming home annoyed one day because me and my sister were sat in front of the tv for the 30th day in a row of summer holidays. I'm not sure what she expected when we had no money for the bus and no local friends because the local children all went to a different school and we'd never met them.

We’ve done it on a short term basis and it can be ok but with a young child I felt i was treading on eggshells either side of school to keep them happy and give them attention etc. There was no after school club etc so the day was shorter than what you propose. With wrap around care meaning the day is even longer, I think it’s not sustainable. There will be limited down time. Havign a nice chat / reading on the train etc is not the same as chilling at home - everyone needs that imo, kids and adults alike.

We did this for 3 years. It was ok at first but got tiring over time. We now live 10 min walk from school and it’s such a relief. We are all much happier and more rested.

IME most playdates are after school and some are informal (shall we go to the park) with others planned (I'll tell Mrs X that Jojo's mum will pick you up today).
Those could work for a school at that distance but only if you're happy never reciprocating (could get very tricky) or taking the odd afternoon off, which will probably mean finding a soft play or park near school to have the play date as parents won't want to come an hour's drive to you to pick up.

I thought you were meaning more like say 20 mins drive (but a distance because it's rural). We've just started this with DS who's in Y6 (it's an all through specialist school). We wouldn't have chosen this distance had we had a choice: the journey there in the mornings is actually the most pleasant part of it (as it's a lovely country drive, we listen to audio books and it's a really good opportunity for a chat). He has a taxi home from the LEA but we cannot see any of his friends out of school as they are mainly in the opposite direction.

Sounds awful for a small child. My DH is currently putting his foot down at a 15 minute drive!

I wonder how OP is getting on with the school commute?

I have done one month, 3 days a week only, of 40 minutes commute door-to-door for pre-school, 30 minutes by bus and the rest is walking.
DS is either naps in the bus or we play together.
The commute is tiring but DS is loves the new pre-school, he became so much happier, calmer and confident.
I still have to take him back to his old nursery for afternoons and two full days but those three mornings got him back to his normal happy state.
I think I will continue commuting to the pre-school since it is till end of June 2023 only.
Meanwhile I will see if we can get a primary school place closer to home because it will be for 7 years.