Long commute for primary school, was it REALLY bad?

[namethattunein1]

For a variety of reasons our DC will be starting reception and commuting 45 mins each way (by public transport) one train ride about 30 mins, allowing 5 mins walk to local train station and 10 mins walk from school's local train station to the school gate.
We know its not ideal and it will be a strain as most of DC's new classmates at the school would live closer to the school than the 9 miles away, we are. Also of course it will be a strain , 90 minutes commuting at 4 years old every day, but weighing how brilliant the school appears to be, and our DC being a very high energy, very confident kid who should thrive at the school, the good seems to outweigh the bad on paper. A good education for our DC is very, very important for us. We've done a few dry runs and the train is a suburban line where we can get seats both in the morning and coming back and never too crowded.

For those that did a long commute for primary, was it as hellish as it seems?

I should add if its soul destroying for our child, we will withdraw from the school. I should also add the school is a private primary school that feeds brilliant grammar and private schools. From our research our DC won't be the only child coming from a far distance, but certainly will be in the minority.

Never heard of "catchments" for independent schools.

There were threads on MN where people won ballots to top London primaries and then started asking how it would be travelling for over an hour by public transport from another side of London.

From September I am going to take my DC (3yo) to a bilingual nursery which about 40 minutes travel by bus. It will be 3 mornings a week only but I want to see how we both cope with commute.

OP, you're a fool if you don't listen to other parent's experiences here, not just the ones you like.

My reply was also based on my experience.
At SECONDARY school my parents moved 9 miles away from my school. I didn't want to move school. My parents refused to take me in the car so I had to get my first bus at 7.45am to get the second for 8.15am to get to school for 8.40. I HATED it. It took forever. School finished at 3.30 but because of bus timetables I didn't get home until 5pm.

All the waiting, composing myself in public when I just wanted to relax.

Your child will struggle.

It's unfair you post to ask for opinions then stamp your feet when you don't like the responses- which is probably because deep down you know this is unfair for your dc.

We moved our children to an independent SEN school last year, they are upper Juniors. I work 10/15 mins away, although they get the school bus home, as 3 days a week, I am home as half days and 2 days DH picks up from the bus. The school is great and they really enjoy it - but they are tired and pre covid were used to doing 8-6 in local primary/wrap around care. It is tough and we are close (at 24 miles/ 30 minute non rush hour commute, 45 min hopefully rush hour) in comparison to some children at 60+ miles - so meeting up outside of school is hard.

It would have to be an exceptional school (and not sure any primary/infant/pre-order is exceptional enough, unless like us, it meets a very specific need and isn't available closer), as even with all the positives it is a fine balance for a good local school and look for Juniors/prep for possibly a longer commute as child will have developed more and know strengths better, what happens if child isn't exceptional and school request you consider options (at 4, a academic excellence is hard to predict and fit for a school).

OP wanted someone to tell her that it was ok to put a private Ed above a child's wellbeing and happiness. Everyone thought she was being a snobbish wally so she saw her arse. AIBU? yes!

OP, for the past 5 years, my son has commuted to secondary school. It's 7 miles away and 30 mins on paper. In reality, it's nothing like it.

It's been a real pain at times, especially for events, illness, mixing with friends, issues with public transport.

During peak pandemic, when children were sent home at the drop of a hat almost weekly if they had had contact with a child who'd got Covid, we had to pick him up as they weren't allowed home on public transport or taxi. It was a major PITA.

Don't do it. You will be counting down the years and years for the pain to end!

My dcs primary was about 1.5 miles but due to DH using the car on my days off, we walked it. It used to take us 35+ mins depending on how tired we were so not much shorter than your journey op and we all managed. I think you might find it hardest, unless you are going to work and that's close to the school, then you will have same journey home. So will be 3 hours out of your day. That's a lot. You will feel like you have only just got home before you need to set off again.

I resented every second of the long commute to my private secondary school, leaving home at 7am and getting back at 6pm. I would never have inflicted this on my DCs at any stage of their schooling let along at 5 years old.

Thanks @Gr33ngr33ngr4ss for your reply, I had no idea I was putting a private education above my child's wellbeing and happiness and I was acting , as you so beautifully put it, ' A snobbish wally'. Thank you for setting me straight.

Receiving advice from venerable persons of sound judgment like yourself, makes the MN experience an invaluable resource for advice and good natured vibes. 😘 Keep it up.

OP is there a reason you're ignoring all the comments from those parents and children who have done a similar journey, and mentioned how difficult and exhausting it was?

I live rurally. My kids all had long journeys to school (not private). Honestly. It's a pain.

After school activities are difficult and eat into evenings. Saturday sports the same. Friendships are difficult because they can't just hang out or go to and from themselves.

If I had a closer option I would take it.

Terrible idea. Why are you going to de when school ring you to say they need picking up because they've been sick, pooed themselves, forgotten their water bottle, it's forest school and they need clean trousers, forgotten lunch box, bumped their head, got a cough, need their glasses, want some calpol, look at their rash. Parents are callled loads of times and you need to be near. How will you pick up kid on time if trains are delayed? No school will like you being persistently late or unable to come in quickly when needed.

Chair of governors of a good junior school here.

As others have said OFSTED ratings are pretty meaningless. There are a number outstanding primaries near us. Most have not been inspected for over ten years. Heads have come and gone, teachers have come and gone and parents still sell their grannies or go to church every week for the C of E with faith criteria ones to get in. Who knows what the standards are like because OFSTED decided not to reinspect outstanding schools. This is changing and good schools are going to be the norm.

I know you have made up your mind. I did the commute by car to the super selective grammar for two years. It was hell on legs for all the reasons given on here. When the next one got in they went on the bus or train together and life got easier. At 12 and 14 it was good for them and made them more street smart. Five is too young. There will be local schools that will suit your child that are not as stressful but you will need to visit, talk to the head and get a tour of the school and talk to the children to get a feel for them. If you are in a city there is likely to be churn and spaces for in year admissions if the commute is too much.

When are you planning to feed your child breakfast and tea? When will they get some down time to play? When will you help them do their homework/,reading? Because if you are getting home between 6-7pm there will be no time to do those things especially when your 4 year old is beside himself with tiredness.

Poor kid

It's one of those! threads:

OP: I'm doing this,bit will be fine won't it?
c.800 posters pretty much unanimously share their experiences of why it won't be fine.
OP: We'll you lot can bog off, I'm doing it anyway.

Interestingly OP is going on the assumption that her child will just fall beautifully into line and love his new torturous, I mean exciting routine.

I'd love to see where OP is this time next year.

As a clearly inexperienced mother to 3 children, I'm telling you this is not a sustainable process and your poor child will more than likely, struggle, a lot.

Feel free to ignore and scroll on.

Dd has moved for 6th form to another school about an hour away on public transport (half an hour in the car, so one hour round trip for me, when I occasionally drive her).

For her, it's worth it - it's a much better school, bigger 6th form, more subject options, widened her horizons socially etc - but she's very tired all week and the commuting time really cuts into her evenings / homework time. She doesn't have a weekend job (which she would love) because of the demands that are therefore placed on her on weekends.

However she's 17, can manage her tiredness and plan her time etc, not a tiny child of 4 or 5! She's also old enough to go and sit in a coffee shop and wait at the end of the day if there is a problem with her public transport or if I am collecting but can't get there dead on time.

And boy do I get fed up of driving back and forwards when it all gets too much or when she's coming home late after some extra activity or has been to visit friends or when we have to go back for evening events. It's a big commitment for a parent when all the friendships / parties / play dates are a long distance from home.

I find it slightly ironic that so many adults who can wfh since Covid cite a positive as "no commute" but it's apparently perfectly fine for children to do this.

Its a bad idea. One of the kids in my DD's private school has to commute a similar amount of time and its been very difficult. He's exhausted and they can't keep him awake after school. Participating in school life is also difficult-- don't underestimate how often things are on during the week- sports days, coffee mornings, assemblies, plays etc. If you are also planning to use wrap around care most days your child is unlikely to be able to cope.

The situation above was temporary as the family were always planning to move closer to the school but their house sale fell through but they have finally found a place.

As a long term plan I wouldn't consider it at all. My DD goes to one of the 'top' schools in London but everyone who didn't live close moved when they got their offer which were a good portion of the class.

The best thing we ever did was change dc to a school a 10 min walk from home. Prior to that we had to do either a 20 min drive or 40 min bus journey and 5 min walk

I should add that the reception child in my post doesn't do after school care either and he falls asleep as soon as he gets home his mom tells me. She was besides herself as it was so hard on him.

@Lily7050 sorry I didn't mean catchments as such. Just tiny areas they pull from.