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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Disastrous first day at pre prep!

137 replies

user1479588581 · 06/09/2021 22:55

Help!

We dropped our son off on his first day at pre prep today. When I picked him up his teacher said he hadn’t really listened, she was concerned he’d not understood instructions, he didn’t interact with any of the other children, she had to explain the rules of the game they were playing several times as “he just didn’t get it”… and my personal favourite she “wasn’t expecting to spend so much 1:1 with him”. She said this all seconds after telling everyone else how marvellous their children had been and then effectively patronised me for 10 minutes about my sons behaviour well within ear shot with the other parents still milling about. He’s in a class of 13, her leading with an assistant, nine of which we found out today are all girls, only 4 are boys…

She asked if his preschool had ever mentioned anything similar and I said yes, but he’d have days like this and then days where he was great because he’s only FOUR AND A HALF! I asked her if she had read the assessment the preschool had sent and she said she’d “skimmed over it”.

He’s been in childcare since he was 14 months, he was in preschool prior to joining and had attended two assessments to join this place. He’s always been slow to reach developmental milestones but he’s got there eventually none the less. All the other kids are clearly more advanced then him, we realised this helpfully at drop off (due to Covid no settle days etc). We obviously didn’t realise quite how behind he was we couldn’t go into the preschool and the assessments always said he’d reached the requirements. We’ve been paying privately for speech therapy once a week and she said he’s up to standard but after today I feel so deflated. I sobbed all the way home in the car and now both my husband and I are thinking about moving schools over it. I don’t want to be constantly worrying that my son is bottom of the class in their eyes!

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FortunesFave · 07/09/2021 00:38

OP it's very hard to hear things like this but it's also really important that you listen and try not to defend him.

Her job is to make sure all children have the appropriate care and the tools to reach their milestones.

At 4 and a half, most children can follow instructions for simple games and can listen when appropriate. He'll be 5 before you know it.

The not interacting with other children...did his other nursery say anything about this?

EIIa · 07/09/2021 00:44

I think I’d be grateful for the honesty even if it hurts. They do get concerned at lack of interaction. My eldest nearly didn’t get a place at all because on his taster day he spoke to nobody and was completely unfriendly and mute.

On my other sons first day in year 4, his teacher told me he was cheeky in class.
Didnt like hearing it but glad she told me the truth and we were able to talk about being “funny” at appropriate times - he’s autistic and cannot read the room

FortunesFave · 07/09/2021 00:50

I do think the teacher was out of order to say all this to you in earshot of other parents. Very insensitive indeed. Not all all nice. No parent wants to hear their child isn't 'up to par' and she should have said these things in private. I would also consider moving at this early stage because it's vital that you like his teacher if he's going to need support.

RiverSkater · 07/09/2021 00:57

After one day? The first day? Terrible teacher frankly. Her commentary only reflects poorly on her and she clearly hadn't read up about his needs.

I'd speak to her senior. It's his FIRST day!!!

RiverSkater · 07/09/2021 00:59

You and he deserve better for your money. 💐

PennyWus · 07/09/2021 01:03

Harsh. She sounds horrible. I wouldn't want my child in her "care" all day, I'd be yanking him out and finding a decent state primary. Poor little boy.

Also a class with 4 boys? That's rubbish. Is it the only Class in his year group? My DD goes to school with 45 other girls her age, she has a dozen great friends and is flourishing. She does have a few friends who are boys but primary aged kids tend to prefer same sex friends. I'd be very unhappy about only having 3 other boys around, slim pickings for friendships.

crowsfeet57 · 07/09/2021 01:12

Wow! I'd be seriously considering what you're actually spending your money on here.

Firstly the fact that she discussed your son in detail in public. She could have mentioned that he hadn't settled well or that he had needed some support without criticising him in front of all the other parents.

Secondly she has thirteen children in her class and only skimmed
his assessment from pre-school. How on earth would she cope in a state school with 30 children?

Thirdly, he's four years old and it was his first day!

Oceanbliss · 07/09/2021 01:12

I agree with FortunesFave and RiverSkater.
How incredibly unprofessional and insensitive to discuss her concerns about your son in front of other parents. She should have requested a parent teacher meeting after more than one day of having him in her class. She should be prepared for that meeting by reading his pre school assessment. She should listen to you. And her assessment of your son’s classroom behaviour needs to come from seeing a pattern over a period of time. That can not come from one day only.

It is his first day in her class. Some kids need time to adjust to a new environment. Some kids adjust quickly.

I would be upset too.

Oceanbliss · 07/09/2021 01:24

I worked with 3-5 year olds and the ratio was 1:15. I often had 15 children on my own and when there was 16 - 30 children I had an assistant. If she and her assistant can’t handle giving a child 1 on 1 support throughout the day with only 13 children then maybe teaching is a job she is not well suited to.

I’ve known parents who switched schools for their child and it turned out to be a positive move. So it might be a good solution for you.

WellThisIsShit · 07/09/2021 01:27

Separate the content from the communication, and address each distinctly.

What the teacher observed from her very initial impressions may well be valid however, what was the point of her communicating all this to you? Did she want you to work on certain things? Or just be aware of them? Or what?

The teachers communication seems off point. Both in terms of what she was trying to say to you, but also saying all this in a public space whilst giving ‘good news’ to other parents, inviting comparisons and embarrassment when she should be trying to build a positive relationship with all parents… not playing them off one another.

Most unprofessional.

purpleme12 · 07/09/2021 01:33

This seems strange to put on you for the first day
I could perhaps understand it more if he'd been there a bit longer but I don't like the sound of all this negativity straight off

viques · 07/09/2021 01:40

Wow, what a very unpleasant woman she sounds. I would seriously be thinking if this is the right school for your child. If she is snippy about helping him to play a game I wonder how much consideration she will show to a child needing additional academic support.

ittakes2 · 07/09/2021 01:46

I agree with WellthisisShit - people say things for a reason. I don't get what she was trying to get out of telling you and telling you in that setting. If she had of said your son has been like this today - tonight can you talk to him about doing X tomorrow - that I get. Or your son was like X today - I think we need to sit down and discuss a plan - another thing I would get. But it was a bit like she was complaining as she pointed out the negatives without any constructive way forward.
If this is a private prep I would be asking to sit down with her / someone to discuss this. Thats the point of paying for private and see what they say because yes I am sorry maybe you do need to look for a more nurturing environment for him.

Original poster

user1479588581 · 07/09/2021 06:27

Hi thanks for your reply. No he never had issues interacting before and made several strong friendships there. he’s a shy boy and needs to feel comfortable in his surroundings first before slowly joining in. He 100 percent understands exactly what you are saying and can follow instructions that is not the issue he just won’t do it if he’s unsure he goes into himself and stands there and mumbles. We saw it when we took him to rugby tots for the first time it took awhile for him to get it but he did

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Original poster

user1479588581 · 07/09/2021 06:28

@user1479588581

Above was reply to fortunesfave sorry quite new msging on here!

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Alexand23 · 07/09/2021 06:30

I think that is shocking tbh. Poor lad. Although having assessments just to attend school would have put me off- is this just to see what level they are, or can they refuse admission depending on how it went?
I don't know what the regular state schools are like in your area but I would consider moving him to one. My son is starting reception class this week. 20 in his class (with teacher and teaching assistant). They have a speech therapist on site, a sensory room for if children become overwhelmed etc.
His teacher stressed to me that they give them the first half term to settle in and find their feet, learn the rules etc. Not one bloody day!

Original poster

user1479588581 · 07/09/2021 06:30

@FortunesFave

We are seriously thinking about moving him! Do you think that we will be able to get him into another prep after term has already started? Or will we have to wait until next term

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Original poster

user1479588581 · 07/09/2021 06:36

@WellThisIsShit

Separate the content from the communication, and address each distinctly.

Most unprofessional.

I honestly don’t know, she asked me whether the preschool had said similar things and I said not on the interaction front and then I asked if she’d read his assessments..I felt like saying he’s only got three other boys who are way more advanced then him to play with and he probably feels intimidated!! She then said in a tone as if she was throwing me a bone “I really need the week with him and then I’ll decide” erm okay decide what ffs. I felt like she was telling me off it was almost like how dare you being him in when he’s clearly not ready that was how it came across. I felt like saying why the hell did you let him in after two assessment mornings!!

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Sunnysideup999 · 07/09/2021 06:37

I would ask to speak with the head tbh.
I’d say I want to get off on the right foot, and you appreciate the feedback, but how it was given was unprofessional and what was the purpose of it?
I’d also question why his previous pre school report hadn’t been read properly.
This isn’t ‘defensive’ behaviour as some have suggested, it’s making sure your child is properly understood and if necessary problem areas are worked on together.
Don’t get disheartened - it sounds like you are doing great with his extra speech therapy etc. He’s a boy, and he’s young - it takes them a bit longer sometimes.

Twilightstarbright · 07/09/2021 06:41

My DS is the same age and start pre-prep tomorrow. If his teacher spoke to me like that I’d be seriously unimpressed- not the content but delivering it in earshot of everyone else.

It isn’t too late to move, always worth asking and looking at your options. FWIW I wouldn’t want DS to be one of four boys and the rest girls as it limits friendships.

xksismybestletter · 07/09/2021 06:42

Blimey
My nearly 6 yo boy would display all those behaviours now. In fact he probably did yesterday. He warms slowly especially when he is nervous.

I think I would go back for a further discussion with her tomorrow along the lines of - now you know what he is like what are you going to do to help him settle? Did you get anything useful when you read his report?

Original poster

user1479588581 · 07/09/2021 06:42

@purpleme12

This seems strange to put on you for the first day I could perhaps understand it more if he'd been there a bit longer but I don't like the sound of all this negativity straight off

That’s exactly how we feel! My mum used to be a teacher in both state and private for 30 years, she said most kids spend all day bawling clinging to her knee! He didn’t cry he just quietly played by himself probably because he’s still getting used to the place that doesn’t mean he can’t interact it means he’s shy. He would have understood exactly what she was asking him to do but he goes into his shell in new environments we’ve seen it when we’ve taken him to parties or rugby tots etc. It takes time for him to get used to new surroundings and then he’s confident usually. If she says anything today I think I will ask for a meeting with my husband and her boss to discuss. If anything I want to feedback how unhelpful her comments were on his FIRST DAY AT SCHOOL FFS. I don’t need to be made to feel like he/we aren’t good enough that early on. I’ve barely slept last night I’m so stressed out by it.

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MsTSwift · 07/09/2021 06:42

I would be concerned by the small class. I know some private school parents prioritise tiny classes but socially they can be dreadful. My poor sister was bullied throughout primary as there were only 3 girls in her year so she was stuck with a very troubled cruel kid for years. I like a nice deep friendship pool so if it all goes wrong my child has lots of other friendship options. Only 4 other boys would not work for me.

Bobholll · 07/09/2021 06:43

I’d be in bits if someone reeled off a list of negative things about my kid after one day at the pre-school. There may be things that he & you could work towards or special support he needs but that doesn’t mean he’s a bad kid. It doesn’t warrant the way you were spoken too. For one, it’s his first day. Some kids just cry. Even at school. Some kids are very unsettled & act up. Nerves & anxiety come out differently in different kids.

There are a million ways that teacher should have spoken to you. I remember being told in teacher training to deliver info about the more tricky children as a shit sandwich. You say a positive about their day, then the bit that was difficult, then something really lovely about them! A child isn’t just the ‘negative’ points. They may be something that needs work but there’ll be lots & lots of brilliant things about your kid OP.

Even the naughtiest kids in my classes were not just that. They were also at times very funny & very kind & helpful (they’d pick their moments). They’d be usually struggling academically but would excel at PE or things like model making & music and would love science experiments! The hands on stuff that got them engaged.

Did this teacher say all this in front of your child as well?! Cos that is inexcusable.

I’d honestly be phoning the school & speaking to the head. Or asking for a meeting with the teacher & complaining about how you were spoken too. Explain you understand your child is behind & there are aspects of his behaviour/understanding/following of rules that need to improve but that it was unacceptable as a parent to simply hear a list of all the bad stuff reeled off after his first day in front of the other parents.

If this continues, I’d 100% move him.

rainbowandglitter · 07/09/2021 06:44

What's a pre prep? Is it reception class? Did he take tests to get in?

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