Disastrous first day at pre prep!

[user1479588581]

Help!

We dropped our son off on his first day at pre prep today. When I picked him up his teacher said he hadn’t really listened, she was concerned he’d not understood instructions, he didn’t interact with any of the other children, she had to explain the rules of the game they were playing several times as “he just didn’t get it”… and my personal favourite she “wasn’t expecting to spend so much 1:1 with him”. She said this all seconds after telling everyone else how marvellous their children had been and then effectively patronised me for 10 minutes about my sons behaviour well within ear shot with the other parents still milling about. He’s in a class of 13, her leading with an assistant, nine of which we found out today are all girls, only 4 are boys…

She asked if his preschool had ever mentioned anything similar and I said yes, but he’d have days like this and then days where he was great because he’s only FOUR AND A HALF! I asked her if she had read the assessment the preschool had sent and she said she’d “skimmed over it”.

He’s been in childcare since he was 14 months, he was in preschool prior to joining and had attended two assessments to join this place. He’s always been slow to reach developmental milestones but he’s got there eventually none the less. All the other kids are clearly more advanced then him, we realised this helpfully at drop off (due to Covid no settle days etc). We obviously didn’t realise quite how behind he was we couldn’t go into the preschool and the assessments always said he’d reached the requirements. We’ve been paying privately for speech therapy once a week and she said he’s up to standard but after today I feel so deflated. I sobbed all the way home in the car and now both my husband and I are thinking about moving schools over it. I don’t want to be constantly worrying that my son is bottom of the class in their eyes!

@Themorethemerrier

I’m really sorry this has all gone on Op. it’s sounds dreadful. But, as someone who lives very much in the world of SEN I think you’ve written enough about your boy to suggest that there is a possibility of SEN.

It could be that the teacher you came across last week noticed something because she was observing him him with a fresh eye so to speak unlike his previous teachers who were used to him. Granted she sound really awful but I think it was how she said things rather than what she said.

Please don’t dismiss people’s comments going forward as it won’t do your boy any good if he does eventually need to be seen with a view to a diagnosis.

Hiya thanks for your comment. My son is someone that stands back initially and has to feel comfortable with the environment before he feels confident within it. If anything he starts playing independently in hope that he can get others over to whatever he’s doing. The preschool mentioned there could be some mild speech delay so he’s been having sessions privately for the past three months. He would sit very happily at the table next to the teacher for an hour listening to her instructions and doing what was required and we have had similar feedback from his preschool where on occasion he didn’t listen but mostly he did and the same with our nanny as well. He understands perfectly what he needs to do and will follow through on it, but unless it’s presented in the right manner and he feels comfortable with the person he will clam up and can become defensive (no mummy don’t want to). Bit like adults at times really! It’s difficult to establish how much of that behaviour is rebellion of a typical 4 year old boy just not in the mood, or, is in fact a case for SEN.

I’m open to it and will see what his new school feeds back :)

My husband was a slow developer and actually had to have extra maths classes at 8 years old, fast forward 10 years and he was taking two maths a levels, passed chartered accountancy qualification and now finance leader. A friend of mine told me that she has someone working for her who couldn’t read until he was 9 and now studies astrophysics in his spare time! I’m not sure what these milestones tell us really sometimes but I’m happy to support my son if something comes up definitely no shame in that :)

Well done you for having your son’s back. You are a great mum.

Keep doing this OP and parenting like this and you will enrich your children's lives and they will always come to you with their problems because they know they can trust you. Kudos to you.

And no words for that teacher. Shameful

The teacher sounds awful. I hope your son has a much better experience at his new school.

This doesn’t sound like it’s been handled at all well but it does sound like your son might have some SEN. Lots of children start school at just after 4, not interacting with other children, being unable to follow instructions and having toilet accidents aren’t really standard. So it does sound like he needs some help

Also you seem focused on ratio of boys vs girls. At this young an age they don’t even truly understand gender differences so I don’t think this is the issue.

Well done for taking him out. What an upsetting read. I hope he’s happier and cared for better in his new school.

@user1479588581 I’m so glad that you have pulled him out of that school. Some teachers become teachers for the wrong reasons and are completely unsuited to the profession. I think most teachers are in it for the right reasons. This one clearly is not.

I hope it goes really well at the new school and your son gets a good teacher. Hopefully your son bounces back from his traumatic experience of school and finds school to be a fun, engaging learning experience.

As for pp suggesting SEN, they couldn’t possibly know. It can only be diagnosed by a doctor after thorough assessment and consulting with parents and professionals who have engaged with and observed your son.

There is always a reason behind behaviour and it is not always because of SEN. Sometimes it is because of environment. This teachers behaviour suggests to me that the classroom environment would have been stressful for your son and that he was afraid of her. Why wouldn’t he be when even you, an adult, felt panic at the prospect of having to deal with her for the short period of drop off and pick up.

You and your dh made a good decision to switch schools now.

@Shakeyourface

This doesn’t sound like it’s been handled at all well but it does sound like your son might have some SEN. Lots of children start school at just after 4, not interacting with other children, being unable to follow instructions and having toilet accidents aren’t really standard. So it does sound like he needs some help

Also you seem focused on ratio of boys vs girls. At this young an age they don’t even truly understand gender differences so I don’t think this is the issue.

Hi thanks for your comment.

This is the strange thing at preschool he very much did interact with the children, he’s never been a boy to just waltz in and start playing but usually when he feels comfortable he will. I suspect in this instance the children were streaks more advanced than he was and he felt intimidated. Again with the following instruction no issue with it at home with us, family, preschool, nanny and speech therapist.

I’ll see how he is when he starts this new school, if he needs SEN we’ll get it sorted but I’m not sure he does, he just needs a nicer environment. He has ten boys in the class so hope out of that number he’ll find someone, he had 3-4 good buddies at preschool. I must admit I wasn’t looking forward to dragging him to unicorn themed parties all year at his old school!!

Careful OP you are in danger of sounding a little sexist there.

@user1479588581: I am very glad for you and your son. The teacher sounded horrible. SEN or not SEN this is not the way to treat a 4 year old child and his parents. It is not your child's or your fault. The school, the teacher and the Head should have acted professionally. I would complain to Ofsted or ISI (whatever is their inspecting body).
I would not expect such treatment even in a state school, let alone to customers in a private school. Or is it a norm in this country now?

@minipie: I do not think OP sounds sexist. Some private schools state in their admissions policy that they aim to have equal number of boys and girls in a class. I guess smaller and less popular schools do not have much choice and have to admit whoever is applied.

What a horror!!! So glad your little one has such a fabulous mum!! Good luck to him at the new school!!!!

Lily I was talking about the presumption that girls will all have unicorn themed birthdays, and that her DS will only make friends with boys.

@crowsfeet57

Wow! I'd be seriously considering what you're actually spending your money on here.

Firstly the fact that she discussed your son in detail in public. She could have mentioned that he hadn't settled well or that he had needed some support without criticising him in front of all the other parents.

Secondly she has thirteen children in her class and only skimmed
his assessment from pre-school. How on earth would she cope in a state school with 30 children?

Thirdly, he's four years old and it was his first day!

This.

It sounds they have very little experience of dealing with children with any kind of additional needs.

It sounds quite ableist and also like she was quite critical of him/ you.

You would probably get better support in a state school.

My daughter is 7 and we’ve never been to a ‘unicorn themed party’. Latest one was a clip and climb. However when they get their face painted her best friend - a boy - always goes for a unicorn. Stop being so gender difference obsessed and your son will have an easier time making friends

Op im glad you have swapped him.
I dont think anyone is saying children with sen arent/cant be bright but sometimes the social side is lacking.
kids with asd often have speech delays.
Im wondering in what way you mean the other kids in class were far advanced.

I do think the wrong environment can make them regress. Dc1 hated school (they are very strict and frequently send reception out for thinking time) and her behaviour really deteriorated. She is actually very bright.
If he is already over 4 and a half he is one of the older ones in a usual class.
Is he maybe good with letters and numbers?

My little boy would love a unicorn-themed party.

@Shakeyourface

My daughter is 7 and we’ve never been to a ‘unicorn themed party’. Latest one was a clip and climb. However when they get their face painted her best friend - a boy - always goes for a unicorn. Stop being so gender difference obsessed and your son will have an easier time making friends

Steady on! My son is capable of making friends with girls but there is a big difference developmentally at this age between girls and boys hence the existence of single sex schools which is all I was getting at. I have no issue with him playing with female orientated stuff earlier he was watching some dolls house programme on Netflix

Well done for changing schools. The right environment can make a world of difference, have seen this from personal experience. Hope your boy really enjoys his new place.

@HSHorror

Op im glad you have swapped him. I dont think anyone is saying children with sen arent/cant be bright but sometimes the social side is lacking. kids with asd often have speech delays. Im wondering in what way you mean the other kids in class were far advanced.

I do think the wrong environment can make them regress. Dc1 hated school (they are very strict and frequently send reception out for thinking time) and her behaviour really deteriorated. She is actually very bright.
If he is already over 4 and a half he is one of the older ones in a usual class.
Is he maybe good with letters and numbers?

He’s really good with numbers, it seems to come naturally to him and catching up with letters, he still doesn’t recognise all the alphabet but we’re getting there.

I wouldn't listen to everyone's opinions on here. Some are helpful others in one ear out the other.

Please don't worry. That member of staff sounded really rude. Ring the school and ask to speak to the head of early years? And tell her u appreciate what she said (cough cough) but if she had to say something next time do it in a professional manner away from other parents. Speak about any concerns and leave it there. My friend had another teacher speak to her like yours did and she rang the school and did the same.

Oh wow, just goes to show that throwing money at fancy, reputable pre-preps doesn’t necessarily buy you decent education/pastoral care!

God this is so sad to read. Children don't start formal education until they're 6 or 7 in so many countries and they (and their parents) don't feel like they're a failure at 4. And it has zero impact on their long term development. Worrying about 4 year olds knowing their letters and numbers is sad. They're children. Let them play.

I hope your daughter's school is more nurturing (although am curious why you didn't send him there in the first place).

@Clymene most children can read letters and numbers by 3 or 4 independent of being in formal education. When they start school most can read the basics. No way that in the countries where ‘school’ starts at 6 or 7 that they don’t have this capacity. In fact most of these countries have extensive pre schools that almost all children attend which is pretty much identical to the reception/ yr 1/ yr 2 here - very much focused on fun and play

He’s very good with numbers (he’s got generations of accountants in father, two sets of grandfathers and a great grandfather and uncle!) so that wasn’t a surprise! Letters he knows most of the alphabet but reading he doesn’t know much of yet. I’m hoping by half term I’ll have him reading a simple two to three word sentence back. He can memorise things well. His speech was behind but seems to be coming on in leaps and bounds recently and the speech therapist signed him off at reaching required level. Whatever he ends up being doing we’ll support him. My father berated me every time I had a bad report and it did literally nothing but make me miserable and I’ve turned out okay. 🤷‍♀️