Disastrous first day at pre prep!

[user1479588581]

Help!

We dropped our son off on his first day at pre prep today. When I picked him up his teacher said he hadn’t really listened, she was concerned he’d not understood instructions, he didn’t interact with any of the other children, she had to explain the rules of the game they were playing several times as “he just didn’t get it”… and my personal favourite she “wasn’t expecting to spend so much 1:1 with him”. She said this all seconds after telling everyone else how marvellous their children had been and then effectively patronised me for 10 minutes about my sons behaviour well within ear shot with the other parents still milling about. He’s in a class of 13, her leading with an assistant, nine of which we found out today are all girls, only 4 are boys…

She asked if his preschool had ever mentioned anything similar and I said yes, but he’d have days like this and then days where he was great because he’s only FOUR AND A HALF! I asked her if she had read the assessment the preschool had sent and she said she’d “skimmed over it”.

He’s been in childcare since he was 14 months, he was in preschool prior to joining and had attended two assessments to join this place. He’s always been slow to reach developmental milestones but he’s got there eventually none the less. All the other kids are clearly more advanced then him, we realised this helpfully at drop off (due to Covid no settle days etc). We obviously didn’t realise quite how behind he was we couldn’t go into the preschool and the assessments always said he’d reached the requirements. We’ve been paying privately for speech therapy once a week and she said he’s up to standard but after today I feel so deflated. I sobbed all the way home in the car and now both my husband and I are thinking about moving schools over it. I don’t want to be constantly worrying that my son is bottom of the class in their eyes!

Boys learn very differently to girls. At their own rate too.
Your local primary will cater brilliantly to this.

Absolutely call for a meeting with the head. Unacceptable on day 1 at school.
So many reasons to complain here !
Good luck and yes I'd love him depending on the outcome of the head and you have to be clear with the head too.

Good luck

Wow. And you're paying for this!?

These may well be concerns but there is no way you can tell after just one day. And if they were profound concerns, you would hope that she would arrange a proper meeting with you to talk them through calmly and privately. What an absolute shocker for you, I'm so sorry.

And not to have read his paperwork properly before approaching you, either. How completely unprofessional. And she's only got 14 kids!! She should be expecting to spend lots of 1:1 time with him, bearing she has fewer than half of what a normal reception teacher would have in a class!

Firstly, very unprofessional of her to discuss your DS in public.

Secondly, what does she suggest you/the school do about it? I wouldn't accept any criticism of my child that wasn't presented in a constructive way..."here are the issues. Here are some strategies we can use to approach them".

Thirdly, your DS may simply be struggling with the move to a more structured environment and may settle down a bit.

Finally, I would consider whether the low boy to girl ratio is going to work for your DS. Less developmentally mature boys can stick out like a sore thumb in a group of girls and they can attract negative attention from the teacher which reinforces a kind of negative behaviour loop. The teacher treats them as "naughty" rather than as simply needing to work on certain skills and so treats them harshly and school becomes a negative place that they dislike and eventually they give up trying.

This is shocking in the first day when the poor boy was clearly overwhelmed by the new situation. If he needs a little more help in the future then they can assess that in good time. Don't despair at this time, but ask school to take more time to assess him.

Honestly, I'd move him.

My son didn;t speak at ll for his first two weeks in pre-prep and they were a little concerned about him but more for his well-being than anything. The reception teacher and TA were wonderful and really nurtured the children.

Then he moved into Year 1 and it was horrendous. The teacher obviously liked compliant little girls (dd had previously been through the same school) and didn't know how to handle fidgety little boys who were very young for their age who needed to constantly move around and struggled to focus.

Ds went from being the "best boy reader the school has ever had" to completely under achieving and having a very unhappy time at school. He did turn out to have autism in the end but that's an aside. If you have that type of teacher that only sees problems, not ways of helping individual children then you are on a hiding to nothing.

@RiverSkater

After one day? The first day? Terrible teacher frankly. Her commentary only reflects poorly on her and she clearly hadn't read up about his needs.

I'd speak to her senior. It's his FIRST day!!!

Yep. And I am an infant teacher.

Op - is the teacher hinting at sen?
What milestones was he late to hit?
It doesn r sound like a good fit if he is significantly behind all other kids.

My eldest was flagged as the naughty kid (so different scenario) but it's followed throughout the school and she doesnt try hard at her work.

I don t think they can tell much from a first day though as a lot of crying kids are the sensible ones etc and are fine in a few days.

If he was assessed with no other kids there his behaviour could have been different.
Dc1 was confident before starting school who knocked it all out and by the time she went to Rainbows at 6 she was nervous.

My dc2 is a lot slower to pick things up than dc1 and wouldnt suit a small class of 13 kids who were ahead.

Assessments at well 3.5yo are obviously going to pick the eldest well behaved kids as i not you say he is already 4.5yo.

Arrogant and shockingly unprofessional teacher. One day and she's judged and belittled a 4yo she's never met before. Because she doesn't know how to handle the situation. He's four, ffs!!!!!

I would find another place for him asap. Bad teachers can completely ruin a child's attitude to school.

I would complain, say you and school have made a mistake and withdraw him now to avoid the fees. But thats because I have a child with SEN and have learned the hard way if they dont have the right attitude on day 1 they will never change. There is a better fit of school out there and it will be better for your DC mental health (and yours!). If a school is not madly enthusiastic about your child then thats a red flag for problems down the line and you should walk away. I would look for a private school that has a more diverse intake and provides additional learning support if needed. He sounds like he would benefit from being in a smaller class with more attention - the kids this school seems to want are the ones who would excel anywhere and dont need to be at fee paying schools. I know kids who have been excluded from schools like this due to autism / ADHD etc when older and it has destroyed their mental health.

Plan A ask for an early meeting with teacher and senco to discuss the obvious concerns exam by the teacher and how the school intend to work with you to meet his needs.
Plan B look elsewhere but don't rush into anything just put feelers out. And think of a suitably neutral reason to approach other schools so that they don't assume bad reasons for the move (demanding parents)

She sounds unkind and I think that's a very unprofessional way to behave on day 1. I'd ask to speak to the Head but as a minimum I'd want him to move class. She's already decided he's too much trouble so it's not going to get better

That does not sound good

FWIW my oldest was delayed, delayed speech, not ready for school and was bottom of the class, until he turned 10 and caught up with all the other kids. So don’t worry too much about milestones, and where he is compared to others. At 4.5 they are still babies really imo

See how it goes, and maybe get on the waiting list for local state school. A prep school environment can be a bit too competitive imo! And for what…

Bang out of order to say that Infront of other parents and not say something positive as well to balance it out. It's all in the delivery.

Did she say anything about strategies moving forward to help him cope in a class room ?

I'd be looking elsewhere unless you get a better feeling about things in the next few days.

Shocking, especially for a private school where you are essentially paying for this extra bit of attention this useless teacher complained about. If they have another class in this school move him, if not find another school,there might be spaces elsewhere. I doubt you will find anything worse than that.. 'I will give him a week'. Ffs he is 4!on the very first day! You absolutely should meet with the head and give them all the details. It is grossly unprofessional

@moanymyrtle

I would complain, say you and school have made a mistake and withdraw him now to avoid the fees. But thats because I have a child with SEN and have learned the hard way if they dont have the right attitude on day 1 they will never change. There is a better fit of school out there and it will be better for your DC mental health (and yours!). If a school is not madly enthusiastic about your child then thats a red flag for problems down the line and you should walk away. I would look for a private school that has a more diverse intake and provides additional learning support if needed. He sounds like he would benefit from being in a smaller class with more attention - the kids this school seems to want are the ones who would excel anywhere and dont need to be at fee paying schools. I know kids who have been excluded from schools like this due to autism / ADHD etc when older and it has destroyed their mental health.

Yes, my son was not quite excluded later on but we were advised strongly to withdraw him before they did.

I feel like the teachers viewpoint could be changed and instead of if all coming across as a "he did this wrong, couldn't do x y z" or whatever she should be saying "we will work to improve xyz or make a plan etc.
Her stance is very negative imo and no wonder you were so upset going home.

I work in a pre prep and I’m stunned at how this teacher behaved! Our head teacher would be fuming if any of our staff had done that!! Whether there are issues with your ds or not is irrelevant, the teacher handled it appallingly- which doesn’t bode well does it? Do you want him spending a year with such an unprofessional teacher?
Is there another reception class at the school or is he in the only one? If there’s another I would be insisting he swapped.
Either way make an appointment with the head, they need to know that a member of staff let the school down badly.

I'm so sorry, user. I would be upset too.

The teacher should not have spoken to you like that on the first flipping day! She needs to wait until your son, and other children, are properly settled and if there are concerns, raise them at half term.

That was a very unpleasant conversation, quite unprofessional in my opinion. You really need to take this further.

Take him out. NOW.

I had a very similar experience with my son (now nearly five) last year.

We sent him to a small private pre-prep who ended up sending him home every single day within half an hour of him arriving. He was peeing himself and hurling stuff across the classroom. Due to COVID, we had no idea what was going on and we were desperately confused - he simply did not behave like that at home.

They accused me of being neglectful, emotionally cold and not setting boundaries at home. We tried their techniques for disciplining him and he became hysterical and violent.

He was expelled at Xmas last year. He returned to his forest nursery, where we hadn't had a problem (although they'd encouraged us to have speech therapy) and we went to a paediatrician. Lo and behold, it turns out he is not, in fact, a violent neglected delinquent - he's just autistic and was having meltdowns in the classroom due to being socially overwhelmed.

Since then, he's spent a year back at forest nursery making ladders, cars with wheels and generally having a fine time with 1:1 support. He has a reading age of eight, can add and subtract, write his name, loves meeting new people (although he struggles with what to do), and he's incredibly polite and pleasant with a dry sense of humour and a passion for word play.

The experience of attending the pre-prep left him with PTSD as, for several months, he was obsessed with being sent home from forest nursery. We were traumatised by the idea that he was a sociopath, on the road to prison, unteachable, or that we were profoundly dysfunctional as a family. At one point, we even tried family therapy because we completely lost confidence in ourselves as parents.

He started at a local state school this morning where he will share a support worker with another SEN kid. We talked to the support worker about the accommodations they will be making for his SEN, including putting a schedule on the wall and allowing him to 'time out' when he feels overwhelmed. His class teacher, who met him on a home visit last week, said (entirely sincerely) "I can see I'm going to have lots of fun with you".

DO NOT repeat our mistakes. Take him out of that school. NOW. This is not your fault. Your child is not failing and there's nothing wrong with him, or you. A good state school will be a far better environment for him because they are set up to accommodate SEN.

Also, being slow to speak is not a marker of academic ability. My son only started talking at 2 1/2 and his speech is still quixotic in some ways. He was only toilet trained at 3 1/2 and still wears a nappy at night. It is profoundly weird to have a kid who can count to 150, but can't take himself to the loo, but there we are - it would be strange if we were all the same! :)

I would say they are preparing to manage you out.

On the first day?

@Plumtree391 yes if he doesn’t fit their school ethos for sure this could be the case

If it is a single class entry of only 13 and needing an assessment to get in and mainly girls then they possibly dont see many sen kids (not that he is). The % of sa asd is about 2% but more boys are diagnosed.
Some private schools charge the parents for 1-2-1s...

[quote Parsley1234]@Plumtree391 yes if he doesn’t fit their school ethos for sure this could be the case[/quote]
Blimey, that's harsh.

What some poor kids have to go through makes me weep.