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Disastrous first day at pre prep!

137 replies

user1479588581 · 06/09/2021 22:55

Help!

We dropped our son off on his first day at pre prep today. When I picked him up his teacher said he hadn’t really listened, she was concerned he’d not understood instructions, he didn’t interact with any of the other children, she had to explain the rules of the game they were playing several times as “he just didn’t get it”… and my personal favourite she “wasn’t expecting to spend so much 1:1 with him”. She said this all seconds after telling everyone else how marvellous their children had been and then effectively patronised me for 10 minutes about my sons behaviour well within ear shot with the other parents still milling about. He’s in a class of 13, her leading with an assistant, nine of which we found out today are all girls, only 4 are boys…

She asked if his preschool had ever mentioned anything similar and I said yes, but he’d have days like this and then days where he was great because he’s only FOUR AND A HALF! I asked her if she had read the assessment the preschool had sent and she said she’d “skimmed over it”.

He’s been in childcare since he was 14 months, he was in preschool prior to joining and had attended two assessments to join this place. He’s always been slow to reach developmental milestones but he’s got there eventually none the less. All the other kids are clearly more advanced then him, we realised this helpfully at drop off (due to Covid no settle days etc). We obviously didn’t realise quite how behind he was we couldn’t go into the preschool and the assessments always said he’d reached the requirements. We’ve been paying privately for speech therapy once a week and she said he’s up to standard but after today I feel so deflated. I sobbed all the way home in the car and now both my husband and I are thinking about moving schools over it. I don’t want to be constantly worrying that my son is bottom of the class in their eyes!

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PatchworkElmer · 07/09/2021 06:50

Wonder if this is the pre-prep my friend’s son went to. The school has recently changed from all girls, so he was one of only a few boys and the teacher constantly nit picked about how ‘naughty’ they all were vs the girls.

That said, I would listen to her concerns. She should be supportive though, not talking about this in front of the other parents.

cameocat · 07/09/2021 06:53

I would be very concerned about:

1 her lack of professionalism (in talking about this in front if other parents)

  1. Her ability to cope / teach your sons needs
  2. Her inability to see things from your son's perspective

Many children (SEN or not) are overwhelmed by a new setting (people, environment etc) and therefore don't follow instructions, they're on overload and so the brain isn't following instructions it's thinking about everything else).

I also think this school is not for you. Some private schools (not all) struggle with the children who don't fit, some are amazing, definitely find the right one for your boy.

Parsley1234 · 07/09/2021 06:54

Is it a very competitive over subscribed prep school with a strong feeder for Eton Winchester and the like ? If so I would be considering options and keeping an eye on the situation

Howshouldibehave · 07/09/2021 06:57

Can I ask what made you choose this specific school over the others?

I wouldn’t pay any sort of money for my child to be in a class with only 4 boys-that is just asking for friendship problems.

Moonbabysmum · 07/09/2021 07:07

It seems crazy to me that your are (presumably) paying all this money for a private education, but they seem to have so little regards for settling your little boy in appropriately.

My eldest started reception last week. Her settling in process started the end of June! Even with Covid, she had a couple of play sessions before the summer holiday, a meeting with her teacher etc. We then arranged our own playdates with children from her class, so sooner if the children in her class she's seen 4 times before her first day. And it's a gradual start over 3 weeks (a pain for the parents) with an emphasis on play initially. The teacher has had a chat with my daughter's Childminder as well as reading hey paperwork.

The level of care over settling children in and prep work for the new pupils at your son's school doesn't seem very good, and i wouldn't beer impressed by their attitude. It's his first day for goodness sake ...

Christmasfairy2020 · 07/09/2021 07:07

My dd nearly 7 was like this. She used to bite and whack everyone as well until mid y1. She's fine now. Infact she makes friends easily. She's a bit behind but it doesn't worry me

redferrari · 07/09/2021 07:11

Just wanted to say I would be looking for a new school. My son was 3.5 when he went to a pre school like this and he also was undergoing speech therapy and it is so unfair because we had set all the expectations. New places always overwhelm kids when they are that age.
In the end, we left the school after two terms. He did so well but there was a constant comparison with girls who were writing by 4/4.5. My son wasn't writing until 5 although he was reading really well and they did the whole comparison thing constantly. He began to feel pressured.
We changed schools. The next school is we went to had less pressure about "meeting milestone" all kids were writing and reading at their own pace. This place suited him and us much better. I didn't dread pick ups and I didn't have to worry about parents evening and feedback. They didn't have to be perfect just improve and progress in their own time.

cansu · 07/09/2021 07:14

Pulling you aside to talk about concerns in front of other parents is not good. It is also very early to be raising the alarm.

However I think you should also consider or at least listen to the notion that your ds may have some special needs. If he does private school might not be the best place for him as their tolerance for children who do not fit the mold is minimal. You may find a state primary will be more inclusive.

redferrari · 07/09/2021 07:16

And If you do have to continue if no other choice available please ask them what steps they are taking to ensure he settles and makes friends. One day is so less to make assumptions!

ShuddaBeenMe · 07/09/2021 07:16

Only 4 boys would worry me far more. I'd be looking at alternatives.

nc5698 · 07/09/2021 07:19

Oh OP Thanks The teacher was really rude.

If it was an assessment school, and he passed his assessment , then your son is a bright, capable, and clever boy.

I'd be fuming receiving this kind of feedback after forking out £6k+ for the term. I'd also be worrying the teacher has now "marked" him as the naughty child and won't change her mind.

Is this a London school?

Hoopa · 07/09/2021 07:42

This would never be allowed to happen at our state school. You cannot make a judgement about a child with this sort of intense verbal feedback after just one day! How unprofessional. Not even a newly qualified teacher should be doing this. I too would be very worried about my child being taught by someone like this. You are paying for the best - and getting something very below par. Young children take a while to settle, it is all new and noisy and any issues he has with concentrating will be compounded by settling to a new person, new children, new classroom. As to telling you she wasn’t expecting to spend so much time 1-1 with him. WTAF! Almost like she is blaming you for her job. I would ask for a meeting with someone higher up the chain ASAP

nimbuscloud · 07/09/2021 08:10

How much are you paying for this ??

Fredoftheforest · 07/09/2021 08:13

We’re at a private school and would kick off massively about this. Email the headteacher/head of early years setting out that the teacher has judged your child after one day, spoken negatively about him in full hearing of the other parents, and admitted that she had not read his pre-school assessments so was not fully prepared to teach him. This is all totally unacceptable.

I would say bluntly that you are so unhappy with this lack of professionalism that you are considering moving him to a new school, in which case you would expect a full refund. For you to keep him at the school you will need confirmation of how all this will be dealt with and how they will ensure they meet your son’s needs in future.

UserAtLargeAgain · 07/09/2021 08:15

Is this a "strongly academic" pre-prep with "traditional values"? If so, that conversation sounds very like the teacher saying that your DS doesn't conform to the precise mould that the school expects children to fit into (which is how they get their good results). I'd move him asap.

LIZS · 07/09/2021 08:15

Did you ask for feedback op? Give it time and ask for a review in a week or so, with teacher and sendco. Are you using EYFS funding?

Only 4 boys seems light, are there other classes with a different mix? How will things like sport pan out longer term if numbers are so unequal. Is it a girls' school with a mixed preprep. Or can he potentially stay to 11/13?

UserAtLargeAgain · 07/09/2021 08:17

However I think you should also consider or at least listen to the notion that your ds may have some special needs.

Yes, a child who doesn't settle straight into school on their first day (after no concerns raised in pre-school) clearly has special needs Hmm.

Rangoon · 07/09/2021 08:20

I was you once, complete with speech therapy and I remember the sick frightened feeling. My son was slightly older as we don't start school till five and every time his teacher saw me she told me new things about his shortcomings - often while crossing the playground. I still remember her chirping about his inability to catch balls having something to do with his bad spelling. I looked askance at this point as my spelling was fine as a child and I couldn't catch balls very well either. I changed his school. The new school was much better and he ended up with a teacher's aid and in reading recovery.

My son is now twenty and at university. To be fair, he never turned into a great student and he has chosen a degree that does not involve as much academic rigour as some others. It will not be an entirely brilliant degree. On the other hand, he has very good high school exam marks - our equivalent of your A and O levels. His speech is clear and he recently got his driver's licence.

My son had ADHD and a hearing problem. He was very hearing impaired - not totally deaf. He fooled a whole lot of professionals - creche staff, family doctor, speech therapist - about his ability to hear. We think he taught himself to lipread. He got grommets and medication to help him concentrate.

I do urge people to have a hearing check if there is a speech problem. My son co-operated beautifully during a hearing test and failed completely. Luckily there was a cancellation and he had the grommets in within a week of his appointment with the ENT specialist.

I found a book dealing with ADHD. It was called "Right-Brained Children in a Left-Brained World : Unlocking the Potential of Your Add Child" by Jeffrey Freed. Thanks to the techniques in that book my son's spelling list was no longer the seven day marathon it had once been. The book explained about other things such as the need to give short instructions rather than a long string of instructions where they forgot the beginning bit before they'd gotten to the end. I had read many, many books on the subject but this was the one that actually helped. (I promise I have no relationship with the author at all and this is not a paid commercial.)

My son had a lot of personalised tuition which was effective. We chose not to send him to a private school but had a mixture of paid tutoring and us doing it over the years. Basically we covered the whole school curriculum with him after school and at weekends. His teachers were very helpful with providing an outline of material that was going to be covered in class and we bought a whole lot of "cram" books. (His teachers were co-operative because they realised they then had a child who was keeping up and they didn't have to spend the extra time or answer awkward questions about why a child was failing. ) You have to make the lessons interesting and relevant. For example, you might talk about reactive gases and explain that hydrogen has only one electron and is unstable because it's always trying to find an extra electron to hang out with to fill its shell while helium has two electrons and has a full shell and doesn't need anybody else. You might share then that unreactive gases these used to be called the noble gases because they were too proud to hang out with other elements. I then showed him footage of the Hindenberg disaster - a hydrogen airship (there are no gruesome close ups and actually the majority of the passengers somewhat surprisingly survived). He never forgot the idea that helium was non-reactive compared to hydrogen. You might explain that Germany used hydrogen because in the pre-WWII years, America didn't trust Germany and wouldn't make helium available etc so you include a bit of a history lesson. ADHD children need constant revision as well. Asking the child to teach you the material is also very effective as revision.

Obviously this advice is tailored to an older child but the principles are the same. I turned up for every parent teacher meeting and I quizzed them. Teachers often won't be direct and you don't want to find out half way through the year that your child is completely lost - but in your case your teacher seems to have made up her mind on day one. Interestingly, and maybe not unrelated to my son's issues, I ended up in the slow learners' class at school when I was about 7 or 8. They were the best school days - I could do the work much quicker than my classmates, I'd secured a warm seat next to the woodburner and I spent my days reading books. It was idyllic till they must have realised I didn't belong there and biffed me out of the warm pre-fab in the gravel carpark out the back and back into the regular stream. I have two university degrees in hard technical subjects so I probably didn't really belong in the slow learners.

I don't mean to suggest my son's high school days were one giant swot session. He did have parties and outings and so on. I am not saying that your son has ADHD at all but I think some of the techniques in the book might be helpful regardless.

CrumbsThatsQuick · 07/09/2021 08:23

Sorry to hear that, not what us needed on the first day.

I think you need to try to separate out

  1. Timing and Delivery of the message which was very hasty and unprofessional. This needs to be raised with the teacher and then the school at some point.
  1. The message itself - that there may be some extra support needed for your son. A period of settling in and monitoring is required to determine this. You could make a plan with the school.

On prep school moves, it will totally depend on the situation in your area... some will snap you up. You will probably be on the hook for two terms of two fees though (this and next term at current school, depending in notice requirements).

olympicsrock · 07/09/2021 08:23

Ouch.....
my July born son struggled. Class of13 at Preprep . There is a big difference between girls and boys at this stage of development.

Give it time. My son struggled for the first year but now aged 6 is getting there. First day at new school today and I am excited but nervous for him.

olidora63 · 07/09/2021 08:28

Very negative feedback for the first day and very unprofessional to speak to you in public when you are probably feeling quite vulnerable as well . I really cannot understand why she said this to you on the first day . Fair enough in a couple of weeks when she has had time to get to know all the children better . Obviously if there are any developmental/socialising problems you will want to know .

PricklesTheHedgehog · 07/09/2021 08:31

Boys are generally less mature than girls at this age. It's not a problem, it's just how they are.

One of my DCs used to be how your son is. Also had negative teacher who didn't understand boys. We had to move schools to get a better fit for him.

He then thrived and is now (several years on!) doing a PhD.

Your son's teacher sounds clueless.

olidora63 · 07/09/2021 08:37

People are expressing their disgust about how this teacher approached you because it is pre prep school,it would be totally unacceptable at any school ,state or primary.

Millionnew · 07/09/2021 08:40

Oh please relax a bit. I do understand, my daughter was precocious as anything and reading at reception age. She was also a bit of a drama queen and could be a bitch to other kids around that age. My little boy is now reception age , his speech is a fair bit behind and he’s prone to day dreaming and zoning out. He’s also the sweetest natured little chap ( I say little , he’s ridiculously tall and has bright red hair so seems to stand out and can’t get away with anything) but he’s off with the fairies and has selective deafness and clumsy too. He’s also got the most incredible imagination and can swim like a fish. Children vary enormously in their development. We start them very young in formal education in this country and they’d bit even be asked to begin school until 7 in many others. The focus should always be on them being happy and confident . The rest will come. Chat to him about his day, do drawings that feature friendships and always make time for the bedtime story books . ( I was lazy with this at first but it’s really helped my DS with his vocabulary and confidence and concentration) . I bet your little boy is just perfect and a bit shellshocked from a new environment. FlowersCake

Boatonthehorizon · 07/09/2021 09:04

Move school.

His local reception class would be far far better.
This is not good and he'll get depressed in such an environment.
She is paid to spend 1to1 time with him.