I feel so sorry for this little girl with an incompetent mother....

[Gameboy]

OK, so I actually don't know whether she is incompetent, disorganised, disengaged or what, but I feel so sorry for her daughter (7) who is DS1's Yr2 class.

I knew the Mum worked, so I always assumed things were rather frantic and busy, which might explain why:

• this girl often doesn't have her PE kit on the right day (has to wear her school uniform)
• is never dressed up/ down for book day/ mufti day/ red nose day etc
• is in after school club every day til 6 pm

but two things recently really made me feel sad:

1. The class had a trip out to a local museum - notes went out well in advance, reminders too, and yet, on the day, this little girl turned up without the right clothes, without a packed lunch, and without the £1 spending money suggested. The school office called her home and were apparently told that no-one could come to the school now to bring anything, and she'd have to share someone else's lunch or do without . Of course some of the Mum's helping out rallied round, and bought her a sandwich and drink and stuff from a shop on the way.

And then finally yesterday, they had a Yr 2 leavers sporting event after school, and she was the only one not there (without a reason such as prior engagement etc) - she was in the after school club, as usual.
Several of us said, that if only we'd known, we could have brought her/ returned her etc.

I have met her Mum just once at a parent social, and she seemed very normal and level-headed, not stressed, under pressure or anything (IYSWIM).
I'm pretty sure there isn't a nanny or au pair who could be 'dropping the balls', so
I just can't understand HOW anyone can be so out of touch with her daughter's life?

As I say, I just feel very sorry for her

My friend who is a director of social work at a big council says she cringes to think that in her early career years (and before she had her own children) she visited clearly distressed and depressed mothers and urged them to do "interesting things with coloured sticky shapes" to entertain their children.

I read alot of this thread yesterday and have to that I completely agree with the post by handlemecarefully (Fri 06-Jul-07 12:01:45 )

I am personally guilty of being pretty 'incompetent' myself! I forgot to send DD2 in with a dress up costume this week, however I am still upset and angry that I put her in a position of embarassment when many (tho' luckily not all) children's parents had remebered. Presumably this is the sentiment Gameboy was referring to?

I fail to see why the OP is being attacked for sharing her concerns/ getting it off her chest with MNers? Isn't that what this site is for to a point?

Okay, I know the choice of words wasn't great but I didn't read the essence of the post as anything other than concern for the child. Isn't that what this site is for to a point?

Caroline - so what does that friend, with the benefit of hindsight and experience, think would have been a more appropriate response to those mothers?

Really need to read before posting!

Magnolia - I don't think it is incompetence or laziness - I think it is real life. I have not taken my DD (18 months) to many baby group things over the past few weeks (last few weeks of pregnancy for me) as I am really tired. So shoot me.

So you didn't notice that one of the variables in demonstrating that the woman is incompetent, disengaged, whatever, is that the child goes to after school club?

Come on, how can that not bring out the pitchforks?

Maternal exhaustion is a very good reason for not doing extra things for your children.

It is quite impossible to judge people's behaviour without having a clear view on their personal circumstances, but there is an issue of priorities. They vary, and some people's priorities are more selfish than others'.

Caroline I wasn't saying you were lazy in the slightest

I was referring top cyclonbabe who chose not to go to the school more than twice becasus 'she is not their lackey'

Very different in my opionion and thats all it is my opinion, no pitchfork here

fwiw, the op could have been about me when I was a child. I was quiet (actually painfully shy) and always had the wrong stuff/ was missing things we were supposed to bring. The reason was nothing to do with an incompetent mother.

My mother worked very hard (and I was proud of her for that) and was very well organised, she just never knew about anything. I systematically lost every piece of paper that was given to me, forgot about everything I was told and even regularly lost bits of my school uniform (which I was wearing at the time). My PE kit regularly got lost between leaving home and arriving at school.

TBH, I think my mother was much more traumatised by all of this than I was. Yes, I'm sure I was momentarily upset at times, but it hasn't caused any lasting damage. My sister, who would have been mortified to be missing something/wearing the wrong stuff never was - she always passed on notes and reminded my mum if she forgot.

Anna8888 - She just regrets being patronising.

ib - you sound like my DS

Are you organised now?

Interesting ib. My dd(8)is very like this. She always loses gym stuff, lunch money, coats and hats. She rarely brings home notes. She seems to be more scatty at school than at home and I just don't understand it.

Can I ask how your are now? Still scatty? Or imporved? I worry for her you see.

Magnolia - But DD missed her FiFi Flowertot picnic last week at local Mums and toddlers group! We watched an episode on TV instead - I don't think she is too traumatised.

I read the post as Gameboy explaining the after school club situation as understanding that the Mum was busy. She didn't cite it as one of the "two things recently really made me feel sad"

I think I must have read it quite differently, but that said, I generally try to avoid posts which would even make me consider raising a pitchfork, not a fan of confrontational posts, I just felt that the OP was coming in for undeserved stick, however that is simply my opinion and I wouldn't expect everyone to agree.

Now I'd better go to DDs sports day before I can add missing that to my own list of incompetencies .

I am fiercely organized with all things work-related (where no one will pick up the pieces) and very scatty at home (where dh will deal with it)

I don't think Cyclonbabe was being lazy either. Real life is not child fairy land every day of the week. What is so wrong with sometimes saying No?

Magnolia - But DD missed her FiFi Flowertot picnic last week at local Mums and toddlers group! We watched an episode on TV instead - I don't think she is too traumatised

18m is very different to a school age child which cyclonbabe said her dd is.

I have 5 children and there are times when they miss things because I can't physically do it but not because I don't want to be a lackey

Thats my point.

Cyclonbabe

"what am i? theire lackey? "

Actually, I'm pretty and at your post, in respect of very young children.

No, lackey may not be the word to use, but I would expexct to put myself out so that my child gets to go to an enjoyable event. How would you ike it if you were invited to a party, but couldn't go, just because your partner couldn't be bothered, or the baby-sitter you had arranged decided she couldn't be *rsed to come over after all?
But that is the equivalent to you not being bothered to take your dd to see the fire engine.
Actually if I'd organised the fire-engine visit I'd be pretty pee'd off with your attitude too.

oh and Caroline

Sometimes saying no is fine, particularly if there is a good reason.

Saying no JUST because you can't be bothered isn't good enough.

Think about older children. If you ask them to do something, and they decide not to simply because they can't be bothered, is that acceptable?
So why is it acceptable for a parent?

I agree wholeheartedly with Enid, clumsymum etc.

A completely redundant posting, but still felt the urge to say it!

Gameboy - I feel I have to post.

I think the reason the majority of posters here are giving you a hard time for the following reasons:

a) A TA or parent helper should on no account be discussing another child with anyone if it is not their own - I know for a fact that this is breaching all kinds of parent/teacher confidentialities, etc.
b) I'd be most alarmed if a well meaning parent were to stick their oar into my child's life (feeling sorry for the child)and would want to know how you knew about these incidences.
c) You cannot take on the role of parent to other children who you perceive to be less well cared for than yours and judge others by your standards - perhaps this child's parents are doing their best for them.
d) If the school itself were concerned they would be tackling this issue head on and meeting with the parents if there was a case for concern or neglect.

I personally don't think that the girl is neglected just for the following:-

• girl often doesn't have her PE kit on the right day (has to wear her school uniform)
• is never dressed up/ down for book day/ mufti day/ red nose day etc
• is in after school club every day til 6 pm

FYI - My DS has to go to after school clubs because both my husband and myself work full time (I am an accountant my husband a nurse) - are we being neglectful?, I sometimes forget his PE kit, I sometimes do not receive dress down letters or other reminders the school issue because he himself has forgot to collect them out of the going home box - you cannot blame the parents completely for the points you have outlined.

Yes, feeling sorry for the child is admirable but has the child itself said that they are not happy? I know the school would deal with this themselves.

I am glad that I am a FTWM who does not have to listen to interferring playground mothers discussing the merits of other parents parenting skills - you should concentrate on your own family rather than worrying about others.

Careless speculation and gossip will not help this child or it's family - after all how do you think this child would feel if they knew that all of the parents felt sorry and worried about their quality of life - they would feel upset themself to know that their classmates mums had been talking about them and may effect their relationship in class with the other children.

If you have genuine concerns of neglect, then by all means report it to the school but you must be sure of your facts beforehand. I have seen this situation before in my role as a parent governor and I can assure you well meaning parents can be well offbeam and stir up a hornets nest so be careful.

I didnt think cyclon was being alzy either- I certainly agree about the picninc / laziness/ consequence thing. DS2 wouldn't get dressed yesterday morning, he's pefectly able to do so- Is aid Inwould take him over to school in his jimjams if he didnt and I would have been - well not exactly happy but- prepared to do so.

At some point they have to learn, the lessons will come harded when they are trying to make a living.

god you lot

so concerned with 'making them learn' and 'consequences'

glad I am not like that about getting dressed etc

it sounds miserable

Well its not

but I cant dress him, he has to learn

usually he does dress himself, that day he wouldn't

when I told him the cosequences, he weighed it up and dressed himself

job done really. No smacking, yelling, arguments. A simple, clear statement of 'if you dont do X then the consequences are Y'

everyone needs babying sometimes