I feel so sorry for this little girl with an incompetent mother....

[Gameboy]

OK, so I actually don't know whether she is incompetent, disorganised, disengaged or what, but I feel so sorry for her daughter (7) who is DS1's Yr2 class.

I knew the Mum worked, so I always assumed things were rather frantic and busy, which might explain why:

• this girl often doesn't have her PE kit on the right day (has to wear her school uniform)
• is never dressed up/ down for book day/ mufti day/ red nose day etc
• is in after school club every day til 6 pm

but two things recently really made me feel sad:

1. The class had a trip out to a local museum - notes went out well in advance, reminders too, and yet, on the day, this little girl turned up without the right clothes, without a packed lunch, and without the £1 spending money suggested. The school office called her home and were apparently told that no-one could come to the school now to bring anything, and she'd have to share someone else's lunch or do without . Of course some of the Mum's helping out rallied round, and bought her a sandwich and drink and stuff from a shop on the way.

And then finally yesterday, they had a Yr 2 leavers sporting event after school, and she was the only one not there (without a reason such as prior engagement etc) - she was in the after school club, as usual.
Several of us said, that if only we'd known, we could have brought her/ returned her etc.

I have met her Mum just once at a parent social, and she seemed very normal and level-headed, not stressed, under pressure or anything (IYSWIM).
I'm pretty sure there isn't a nanny or au pair who could be 'dropping the balls', so
I just can't understand HOW anyone can be so out of touch with her daughter's life?

As I say, I just feel very sorry for her

nearlythere - so whats so bad about that? can't see where your situation is anywhere like the op

you forget a drink occasionally and run out of nappies

hello thats life!

Maybe I am SO flakey that I think it is normal

agree MadamePlatypus

Enid - i hate that too, but not quite as much as i hate bitching about people who might have genuine problems.

Yeah im chaotic, i would much rather be ultra organised and on the ball, im not - it doesnt make me a bad mother. I do rather envy organised people and keep saying i'll be more organised tomorrow.

I started with good intentions re DDs packed lunch, all nutritious etc at start of primary school, carrot sticks the works, yoghurts, all good stuff - she never ate it, by the time she left, sandwiches and a packet of crisps, she would only ever eat the crisps. Hopefully DD2 will be different.

There is no inverted snobbery on my part. I am not in the least bit slummy mummy. I admit to my own anal retentiveness when it comes to a few grass stains on school trousers and I even pack (daily) sunflower seeds and pumpkin seeds (which he never touches) in son's school lunch - like he is a budgie or something - when in fact he would love a Frube or a slice of cake or something.

enid- what i am trying to say is that i'm sure people who see me running into pre-school with a less than immaculate toddler probably judge me, but unless you know the real story and what is going on in that persons life you can't judge or say that she's incompetant.

I'm sure people feel sorry for dt1 when he can't go on school trips because no-one can accompany him but they don't know how our family works!

so basically we are all the same apart from when things are a bit extreme - IMO like the child in the OP

no I wuoldnt ever judge someone for less than immaculate toddler

I WOULD feel sorry for child who misses out on experiences at school on regular basis

"I think Gameboy, Howdoody and I should maybe ride off on our high horses (want to join us katelyle?) and leave the rest of you to your "hey I'm chaotic but it doesn't matter" lives"

Oh fark off. Just because I don't want to join you on your high horse, doesn't mean I'm an enthusiastic proponent of "heyh i'm chaotic but it doesn't matter".

Chocolatedot put it very well in her 10.02 post.

I am merely wondering what the parental motivations are? To belong? To be considered a success? To be a proper parent? To hide a lack of confidence in the mother role? To hide a lack of enjoyment in the mother role? To say to the world "Look how much I do for my children?" To prove to yourself that you can do better than your own incompetent mother/ father / stepmother? Or just because you love ironing sewing in Cash's name tapes and ironing perhaps?

r
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f
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but we don't know if the mum has something... well lets face it a bit more important on!

This sort of thing happened to a friend at school, the teachers were always complaining about the lack of family support etc- until one day the girl arrived at school to say her mother had died in the night a few days before- she had been too afraid to tell anyone before that.

Maybe a family member is ill, could be anything!

Support and advice would be better than judgement surely.

yes and the op was very supportive (buying the kid lunch etc)

and that poor child whose mother died - yes she does have a lack of family support, why didnt anyone else let the school know?

Or because you are on Crystal Meth?

chocolatedot. you fancy a wife swap?? you can come to my house for a week and make it all nice and shiny and immaculate - i will make noises about you needing to lighten up but follow it up by saying i will be a better mummy in future? HOW do you do the immaculate house thing??? really, not being funny, you should SEE my house! And i cant be doing with slummy mummy kookiness either - why do we have to fit into moulds?

get orf the pc and go and clean it then you lazy slattern

actually enid - i think thats the problem but chocolate dot is here HOW does she do it, the womans a miracle

im going

no really, im going!!

Nearlythere - perhaps the mother in this case is working on her acceptance speech for her Nobel prize or too busy fantasising about the fantastic sex she is having with the headmaster at her daughter's primary school.
Perhaps she has elderly parents who have recently taken a turn for the worse? Perhaps she is thinking of going to live in Morocco (like Hideous, Kinky)? Perhaps her and her husband are planning to travel round the world with their children and are more interested in their Africa itinerary than they are the school trip to the local transport museum.
I think chaos is scary but underrated.

Routine is like you are not really living. Just existing.

Enid et al- I personally would never claim to be a slummy mummy or any of that chick lit rubbish. However I am thoroughly incompetent by the standards of most mothers I see around me.
I have long term depression and am permanently, chronically disorganised. My medication appears to make me even more 'flighty' and manic than usual. I am continually patronised by people who seem to mistake my apparently biological inability to organise myself or my ds's with 'not bothering'.
I am bothered. I think I try harder than most to be organised, but I never seem to get there. People are particularly judgmental about me, I think, because I am successful at what I do (academic work), so they think I am in a world of my own, and just don't care enough about my kids (and I know people say this, it's been reported to me by so called 'friends'; people also remark on how 'good' my dh is to put up with me/'look after' me).
Please don't sit in judgement on ANYONE. You never know the full story, or what it's like to be in someone else's skin.

Wow, so much added on here since last night.

I could spend hours replying to everyone, but don't have time.
Just wanted to point out lucyellensmum, when you said "Whats wrong with a bit of chaos - its the way of the world" that you need to re-check Mymama's posts.

She said "as a kid it was hurtful and shameful when your mum forgot dress up days, school trips and to pick you up from afterschool sports. It has affected me badly. "

Honeypuck, mymama, Ana8888, Enid, saddle up and join us. We can all put in that extra bitof care together.

themildmanneredjanitor - I think it is even worse for the children. They lead unimaginative lives. Children are not taught to take responsibility, they are not taught cause and effect, they expect to come first, they have too much choice (cheesy pasta again anyone?). Apparently according to recent stats we have the highest rates of childhood depression and despondency in the world.

sorry, but how smug is that. 'that extra bit of care'. So the rest of us just aren't caring enough, eh.

My own, extremely emotionally abusive mother was very organised. She just couldn't bear to be shown up in front of authority figures like teachers and doctors.

Before I get flamed to death, I am NOT saying that all organised mothers are control freaks. There are so many different ways of care.

I try to get round my own issues by asking my dh to help me out with remembering things- oh and having a nanny helps. The mother in the OP may not be able to afford that and she may have an unsupportive partner. So many reasons why she may not be providing 'that extra bit of care' that the more righteous around her do.

Do you know.. I've read this WHOLE thread.. and I'm still sitting on the fence. I read one post and then another and feel strongly that people should get off their judgemental high horses (or preferably, fall!) at the same time as thinking thank GOD there are mothers out there that are as disorganised. or more so, than me..

..to reading another and thinking.. maybe we should make a little more effort for the sake of our children.., whatever is going on in our lives, however busy and oversretched and away with the fairies we are..

How can you ALL be so firmly on one side or the other on this??