I feel so sorry for this little girl with an incompetent mother....

[Gameboy]

OK, so I actually don't know whether she is incompetent, disorganised, disengaged or what, but I feel so sorry for her daughter (7) who is DS1's Yr2 class.

I knew the Mum worked, so I always assumed things were rather frantic and busy, which might explain why:

• this girl often doesn't have her PE kit on the right day (has to wear her school uniform)
• is never dressed up/ down for book day/ mufti day/ red nose day etc
• is in after school club every day til 6 pm

but two things recently really made me feel sad:

1. The class had a trip out to a local museum - notes went out well in advance, reminders too, and yet, on the day, this little girl turned up without the right clothes, without a packed lunch, and without the £1 spending money suggested. The school office called her home and were apparently told that no-one could come to the school now to bring anything, and she'd have to share someone else's lunch or do without . Of course some of the Mum's helping out rallied round, and bought her a sandwich and drink and stuff from a shop on the way.

And then finally yesterday, they had a Yr 2 leavers sporting event after school, and she was the only one not there (without a reason such as prior engagement etc) - she was in the after school club, as usual.
Several of us said, that if only we'd known, we could have brought her/ returned her etc.

I have met her Mum just once at a parent social, and she seemed very normal and level-headed, not stressed, under pressure or anything (IYSWIM).
I'm pretty sure there isn't a nanny or au pair who could be 'dropping the balls', so
I just can't understand HOW anyone can be so out of touch with her daughter's life?

As I say, I just feel very sorry for her

fillyjonk - whilst I see what you are saying about kids being mollycoddled and a bit of responsibility being no bad thing, I have to say that I think that given the choice I'd prefer my children to live in as carefree a world as possible at aged seven. It's a privilege of childhood in a prosperous economy I grant you, but as someone who never had the opportunity to play as a child because of the expectations and responsibilities given to me and siblings, I feel sad that I missed out on what my peers had at school ie a modicum of normality, mornings and evenings not filled with lengthy and strenuous chores.

Shiny- I feel strongly that this woman shouldn't be judged just because the OP met her and thinks she seems 'unstressed'. Anything, anything could be going on for this woman.

Yes it would be nice if we could all make 'more effort'. Some people's efforts have to be a lot more than others to maintain that 'normal' appearance.

children love normality and routine

bad luck slummymummies

however they dont really give a shit ab out messy hair and grass stains and neither should they

I do though which is why I deal with it calmly and dont put the responsibility of keeping clean on to them

I can't be ar$ed to read this thread because the use of the word "incompetent" in the title really p*sses me off.

whywhywhy

"So the rest of us just aren't caring enough, eh. "

If you are CONTINUALLY failing to provide your child with lunches, forgetting school events, not helping them to fit in, then no, you are not caring enough.

That was the apparent problem for the child in the OP (remember her).

So many posters on here have said "OK I occasionally forget things, it doesn't make me a bad mother" and I agree, we all do that from time-to-time, it's human to do so.

But a serial forgetter or a "can't be bothered" parent isn't caring enough.

I also take issue with those who say "I know I f*ck up on a regular basis, so what?" . Because if you KNOW you have a problem with getting things right, you CAN do something about it.In some cases you can work to to better yourself, in others (possibly, whywhywhy, like your own) you may need to ask for help from another family member, or from school.

And as has been said earlier in the thread, none of this has to be the sole responsibility of a childs mother. If mum knows she's hopeless at organising things for school trips, then why can't dad do it?

"none of this has to be the sole responsibility of a childs mother"

Except you don't know that. You don't know the intimate details of her home life. And it's her who is being labelled incompetent.

Shiny - "How can you ALL be so firmly on one side or the other on this??"

That's the point, I don't think we are.

Those of us who decline to join in the chorus of "lazy uncaring slob should get off her arse" are not saying continually letting your kids down is a Good Thing.

Just that we don't know what's going on here and are quite irritated by the suggestion that the OP knows everything about the woman's life.

lolol at the mumsnet 'non-judgers'

I also wonder what kind of help people think the school can or would give?

If I said to my DD's teacher "oh I'm too disorganised to remember her lunches / mufti day/ hair band sometimes, can you help me?" she would think I was barking.

Quite justifiably, probably.

Enid - at what age will your son take responsibility for the grass stains on his trousers because at the moment all trousers are clean, as if by magic?

Oh God.. so now I agree with ClumsyMum almost word for word.

Except to say that some "serial fucker uppers" only appear to "fucking up" - they're routine/workload/circumstances prevent them from doing what others might term a "better" or "good enough" job. Again will say that communiation (with those that matter.. the child(ren), school staff etc not the gossipy onlookers) is key.

Remember it's all relative as well.. we all have different ideas about what is acceptable and all our children are different too.

Child do appreciate routine though. All the children I have even known well do.

caroline - god knows

not while they are at primary any way

Soupdragon- exactly. And yes clumsymum, I was thinking of the mother in the OP, not just myself. She is being judged and I think I know what that feels like, that's all.

And Enid- I am suspicious of claims to know what all children 'need'. Who really knows what 'normality' should constitute? Routine helps but so does emotional warmth and flexibility. The mother in the OP may well provide both (after all she seems 'normal and unstressed' eh)

that would be the quickest rout to depression imo

'you are 7 why on earth have you got grass stains on your trouses, make sure they aer cleaner next time, go on, you know where the washing machine is'

nice

You can still have a routine with light grass stains on your trousers. Life doesn't fall apart because you lost your hair clip.

yes I agree with that caroline

This morning, DS (8) once again could not find his trousers or his jumper. Because when he came in from school yesterday and I said "get straight into your judo stuff and put your uniform where you'll find it in the morning" he did the first but not the second bit of the instruction.

I found his trousers lying under a cupboard in the bathroom, but couldn't find his jumper. I told him that he would simply have to wear a non-school uniform jumper, because he'd failed to take responsibility for his clothes.

In the end I took pity on him and found a clean one, but would people think I was a fuck up if I sent him to school in a non-uniform jumper, or would they think I was allowing him to experience the consequences of his actions and thus learn responsibilty? Positive parenting or lazy-arse slummy-mummy?

It's a fine line. At 8, I decided maybe it's too soon for him to feel that embarrassed. Maybe next year I won't be so kind.

god just find hime a jumper and stop angsting over it life's too short

I was not thinking of teaching the merits of OxyAction powder at 7. More along the lines of "I will not be washing again until Weds evening, so if you get grassy trousers in the meantime you will have to live with them til then".
Oh and can you go up that chimney and re-do it after your gruel as it is still smoking in the drawing room (the room marked no children allowed) and is spoiling my afternoon bottle of Chardonanny in front of the fire.

Caroline,

do you really think that a 7 year-old should take responsibilty for his own washing and ironing? Cos my son, at 7 spends MOST of his time playing/reading/being a CHILD.

Yes if he comes home having delberately rolled in the mud, he will have to put his clothes in the washer, and make an attempt to scrape the mud off his shoes.
He is expected to help set the table, and load the dishwasher at mealtimes, so he knows that he can't be waited on hand-and-foot.
But heaven preserve us, lets allow children to BE children

I think my mother did my washing until i was 20 . Then i left home and just got on with it, washing, ironing etc.

I believe that everyone is generally happier when life is well organised - but you don't have to be anal about it. And there is no one sort of organisation that suits all families - circumstances vary, for individual families and over time. It's important to always think about organisation and whether what you've done in the past is still appropriate in the present and future.

To be honest, my house is always clean and tidy, we rarely run out of anything, I'm always on time for appointments, the cupboards are always full of clean, ironed clothes, the children are washed, we eat reasonably nutritious meals at regular times etc etc but it's not an effort - it's just how I am. I also consciously teach my family to do as much for themselves as possible - I don't expect to go running around after them finding the things they've mislaid. I'll help them learn to be organised and methodical, and provide the structure to allow them to learn for themselves - but that's it.

But children wearing something that is blatantly not uniform always stand out like a sore thumb, and as if nobody can be arsed to provide for them, don't they? (Don't they?)

Even though it's highly likely to be untrue!

When I once sent DS in, in the wrong coloured jumper, with a full explanation as to why, he still looked like a poor litle latchkey kid in the playground.

so the people on this thread who are being NON judgemental are the ones who are being saintly halo-wavers?

Interesting twist of logic, that. You should be a lawyer Enid (if you're not one already)