I've made a nob out of myself at parents evening...

[Flumplet]

I cried at the teacher at DS's parents evening - and not happy tears. It turns out that 5yo ds isn't doing as great as we thought. Looking through his books he's really struggling to keep up, especially with maths, and I had no idea. His teacher says it's due to his bad behaviour and lack of concentration. He's got a short concentration span which is impacting on his progress considerably, he's not listening, messing about with his friends, and is frequently being kept in at break times to finish work that he isn't finishing in class - sometimes for the entire break. He is excellent at reading and is generally a really smart kid so I'm really surprised by this. We're moving house next week so I wonder if maybe the upheaval may be having an effect. Everything else is fine and normal at home. I've come down on him hard and let him know that it isn't good enough and I've challenged him to get to the top of the behaviour ladder this week for a reward. This has come completely out of the blue as we have never had any complaints about his behaviour before and he's been in nursery since he was 5 months old. I'm gutted, embarrassed and not really sure where to start putting it right.

First off, don't be embarrassed. It's a shame this was a shock as I would have hoped the teacher would be trying to work with you before now.
The important thing is to work with school (assuming they're not rubbish!) and try to mirror their incentives and punishments. If he's been punished at school though, he doesn't need to be punished again at home in my opinion.
Will he respond to rewards for good behaviour ?

Surely the teacher should have raised these issues long before parents night if they are as bad as you have been told. Parents night is for a quick chat not the kind of in depth conversation this would require.
No wonder you cried, totally inappropriate to spring this on you at Parents night. I would ask for a separate meeting to discuss this properly and make a plan with school on how to support your child to improve. The teacher has handled this badly. Please try not to be embarrassed by your tears, it's a reasonable reaction.

I think the new curriculum amounts to cramming, as the kids have to be do good at so much ( none of it was planned by educationalists, just by politicians). So he could be on over load, like a lot of kids.

If he's articulate you could ask him what his school day feels like, go through it from register onwards and find out what it's like.

He's very little, in most other European countries he wouldn't even be in school yet.
But to things can go to and down so much in infants and juniors, this could just be a blip. Best of luck with it all.

Aw don't worry. I had a hideous parents evening once. I totally get how shocking it is and you need to contact the teacher and ask for a follow up to see what support they are putting in.

I missed the fact he's only 5, sound like the teacher has totally unrealistic expectations of a five year old.

Maybe his teacher isn't very good at teaching maths.

Yeah I think the reason it was a shock is because we don't see much of the school - I work full time so only do drop off 3 days a week and he goes to after school club so never have much interaction with the teachers. I wrongly assumed / hoped there would have been some communication if there has been any problems. He's very praise oriented and I think that's part of the problem - he doesn't seem to be getting any recognition for the excellent work he does do - he's far advanced with reading and phonics and used to get loads of gold awards and achievement stickers but not anymore. I haven't punished him other than quite a stern telling off and have told him in no uncertain terms that if I hear that he's messing about anymore then there will be serious consequences and have set him the challenge to get to the top of the behaviour ladder (he got moved down to red for the first time last week).

I'd be furious if my 5yo was being kept in at break time "sometimes for the whole break" - they are too little for that type of punishment and missing break is not going to help with concentration for the rest of the morning/afternoon nor his friendship!

Don't be embarrassed it's not you who should be.

Parents evening is not the first you should have known about these struggles.

Missing break is surely counter productive.

All five yr olds have short attention spans it's why reception is mainly learning through play and even yr one things are still delivered in relatively short bursts. Anything longer is pointless.

So sorry it was a tough evening. None of this should have been a surprise for you. Should have been something that was discussed with you a long time ago to ensure something could be done

I did say that I didn't think that keeping him in at breaks was helpful as he is a playful child and needs the fresh air / change or scenery / chance to burn off excess energy, but was firmly told by the teacher that it was schools policy to do that and he can't be seen by the other children to get away with not finishing the work.

5 years old- so in Year 1 or Reception? Either way, it's wrong, but if in reception I would be questioning their expectations and methods a lot.

Sadly, the new expectations of the National Curriculum seems to expect so much from small children when they should still be learning through play and experience.

Parents' evenings should never contain shocks like this, the teacher should have been working with you before it got to this point. I would want to know what they are putting in place to support your child- missing playtimes will surely just make it harder for him to focus in the next lesson, surely?

Yes he's in y1. I feel partly responsible as maybe I haven't made myself 'available' enough for them to bring up his behaviour? I never pick him up but do drop him off in the mornings - would they normally send a letter or email about something like that? I have no idea.

If my 5 year old was being kept in at break to finish work I would be looking at a different school, tbh. What kind of disciplinarian hellhole is it?

Being kept behind for 5 minutes as a reprimand for consistent messing about is a different issue.

OP I suspect if this really was such a huge problem you would have known about it before now. You also have very high expectations of a very little boy.

Yes - if he was desperately behind - as in problematically so - a decent teacher would have got in touch before now. Ditto if his behaviour was that bad/disruptive.

How can he be much behind at age 5 if he's excellent at reading? Half the Y1 kids are just sounding out straightforward words at this point, surely?

Sounds like rubbish communication from the teacher.

When this happened with my son the school suggested an assessment by their educational psychologist (that's when I got teary). Turned out he did have a mild learning issue - memory related (can't remember the term - ha!). Then he got a bit of extra help in class.

Please don't feel bad.

Yes I agree I do have (perhaps overly) high expectations of him. He's a bright boy and I want him to do well but I'm far from being a pushy parent - he does no extra curricular / out of school stuff whatsoever.

It's a newish academy in a very average not at all posh suburb of a large midlands city. Ofsted 'good' pushing for 'excellent' I suspect. We are moving on Monday so hope to move him to a new school but they're all over subscribed where we are moving to so heaven knows when that will be.

He's excellent at reading - as in knows I think nearly all the phonics and is reading whatever he can get his hands on (he was reading the TV guide to my nan at Christmas!) and he scored 39 out of 40 for some test I didn't know anything about (sign me up for mum of the year award) but for maths he's not keeping up and not finishing the work. I was thinking possibly because he's not interested, bored, not stimulated, I need to get to the bottom of it with him.

That sound ridiculous! Lots of 5 year olds find it hard to sit still. As others have said, keeping him in a classroom throughout break sounds like a sure fire way of making him wriggle through the next few lessons too. I would suggest asking for a separate meeting with teacher or head of lower school to find a way of working together to help him enjoy lessons and flourish.

is frequently being kept in at break times to finish work that he isn't finishing in class - sometimes for the entire break

Fucking hell - he's 5. What happens to a 7 year old who misbehaves? The guillotine?

As a Middle Leader in a school I'd be pissed off that the member of staff hadn't told you. I've always said nothing at parents evening should come as a shock - problems should be communicated as close to immediately as possible so that things can be addressed and worked on in cooperation between home and school.

I'd get weekly updates from now on unless you pick him up and can get daily??

Just read further down - teacher should email or phone if you don't see them. There's no way this is your fault!!!

It's her responsibility to email or phone.
He got moved down to red last week?! She should have phoned

Yes I agree it's harsh to keep them in at breaks, I did bring it up and was firmly shut down so I can't really do a lot about it. I'm so fucked off with myself for crying - I ALWAYS cry about stuff and it does my head in. I got the "is everything ok at home" from the bloody teacher and DH was sat right there next to me.

I'm not impressed that nobody had let you know what was going on.

DD's kindergarten teacher used to send a chart home every day and on it was a smiling face for good behavior, a straight line mouth for dodgy behavior, and a frowning face for bad behavior. I had to sign it and return it each day. They had a traffic light system in the classroom - one telling off and they moved their peg on a chart from green to orange, another telling off and it went to red, a third telling off and it went to red. Then they started losing one minute of recess for each telling off after that. Other teachers had a white 'sugar' chair at the side of the class and a child would sit there until they 'sweetend up' (yuck, but it did the job), others would have a child sit at their desk with them until they calmed down. We also got classwork and homework sent home every Wednesday and progress reports every 9 weeks.

This is the sort of level of discipline I would be expecting to see, not making a child who has trouble sitting still in class sit throughout break without burning energy off. Getting him to run laps around the playground during break would probably work better.

Do you think he is still a bit immature? Would it help for him to repeat the year? Is that even a possibility?