I've made a nob out of myself at parents evening...

[Flumplet]

I cried at the teacher at DS's parents evening - and not happy tears. It turns out that 5yo ds isn't doing as great as we thought. Looking through his books he's really struggling to keep up, especially with maths, and I had no idea. His teacher says it's due to his bad behaviour and lack of concentration. He's got a short concentration span which is impacting on his progress considerably, he's not listening, messing about with his friends, and is frequently being kept in at break times to finish work that he isn't finishing in class - sometimes for the entire break. He is excellent at reading and is generally a really smart kid so I'm really surprised by this. We're moving house next week so I wonder if maybe the upheaval may be having an effect. Everything else is fine and normal at home. I've come down on him hard and let him know that it isn't good enough and I've challenged him to get to the top of the behaviour ladder this week for a reward. This has come completely out of the blue as we have never had any complaints about his behaviour before and he's been in nursery since he was 5 months old. I'm gutted, embarrassed and not really sure where to start putting it right.

If I'm honest I don't know if he's mature or not for 5.. I have literally no reference point. He's the only 5 yo boy I know and have ever really known. He's mad on superheroes, playing the play station and finds farting hilarious so I guess maybe not but I have no idea. He's summer born so youngest in his class. I don't think that repeating the year would be strictly necessary we just need him to knuckle down and actually do the work

Does it make sense to him in words rather than numbers? Could he have dyscalcula? Number version of dyslexia. He's only year 1. He can't be that far behind. What is the school doing in supporting him? Tbh put his name down on the waiting list of any suitable school

I don't think that he is struggling particularly with the level of work - he manages find with homework that he brings home every week I think he's just treating school as a social function and not really putting his head down because he finds it boring (or more boring than messing about with his friends)

Teacher said that she's moving the class around a bit to change things up a bit but no other real plan.

Sorry you were so upset. Absolutely not fair to spring this on you at parents evening. I assume you have a phone and they could have called you if things were really bad.

Keeping a 5yo in a break is counter productive.

If he's extremely able in reading and phonics and struggling in maths I'd say it's more likely he has a different learning style and difficulties with numbers. The behaviour could be related to not understanding.

My Ds has the opposite learning style. He has extreme spacial bias which means he's top 10% cognitively for numbers and non verbal reasoning but his verbal reasoning is bottom 20%. So he's able to listen and learn but as soon as he's sent off to communicate the knowledge his behaviour goes down hill. He's 12yo now and still struggles. But I know that and when they bring it up I always ask "so what are you doing to support him?"

I hate this idea that any unacceptable behaviour is deliberate. Especially in a 5yo. I doubt he sits and thinks "I know what - I'll muck around this lesson as I don't give a shit about missing break"

you may get that in secondary school!

Dc school does this, the teacher has got to get the work finished its their job.
That said, a summer born year 1 is tiny! But they do need concentrate and thats a big change between reception & yr1. If keeping him in at break is not enough to stop him doing it, more work on his concentration is needed. Have a reward chart at home? Suggest a behaviour book to the teachers?

Inappropriate to dump that all on you at parents' evening. I wouldn't tell him to get to the top of the ladder by the end of the week unless that is a realistic goal agreed with the teacher. Some very rarely give out top marks even if a child is good and he may just get dispirited. Good across the board with one day above average, or whatever the teacher thinks is realistic at the moment.

That's true stayorgo I hadn't thought about that.

Thanks also for the behaviour book idea phoe6e I like that.

There should be no major surprises at parents evening so don't feel bad. It's the teachers job to contact you not the other way round in a situation like this. I work in a school supporting behaviour and I think it's ridiculous to keep a five year old in at break. Maybe once or twice but if it doesn't motivate him they should have consulted you to discuss other strategies. I would ask for a meeting with the Key Stage 1 leader asap. Hope you are ok, being a working Mum is a difficult balance don't be too hard on yourself.

used to get loads of gold awards and achievement stickers but not anymore

This is likely to be one of the problems, over reliance on praise and reward, which damages motivation and resiliance.

But the other major issue you only seem to have touched on in passing is that you are moving house. This is one of the most disturbing and traumatice life experiences that a normal child will live through, and will be unsettling him hugely, don't underestimate the effect it will be having on you and your partner too

I would be very careful about a "knuckle down and do the work" approach at this age. He is very young - he may not be developmentally capable of concentrating for as long as his teacher wants. If you and his teacher are both asking him to do something that is beyond him, he is going to feel confused and helpless, not motivated. It is very demotivating for anyone to be set goals that are beyond them.

I would focus on behaviour: listening and doing as he is asked e.g starting work when asked to do so. He should not be punished for failing to complete work in time though. He is an entire year younger than some of his class - that is a huge gap at this age. It is not surprising that his concentration span is shorter and his pace of work slower than the older kids.

Why hasn't the teacher mentioned this before? Half of his school year has gone! If you had no idea how on earth are you supposed to try and rectify it?
I suspect the teacher is at fault here. The difference a teacher can make to a child's enjoyment of education is astounding and worrying!

5 and being kept in a break! I would not be happy if I thought a school were doing this. How counterproductive for meeting an energetic young boy's needs. But with ever increasing testing in schools and formal learning starting so young in this country, it can hardly be a surprise to the school if a summer born boy is struggling with the current educational environment. I would be looking to them to hear their strategies for helping their very youngest children cope with the demands of school.

Moving is indeed disruptive for children.

You poor thing. What the hell was the teacher thinking?? If his behavior was that bad you should have been made aware!
My ds had a terrible year 1 teacher,and I had a similar parents evening (although rather than cry I got stroppy!)She was very angry that he didn't concentrate in maths, and sternly told me that he was very behind. I asked her what she was going to do about that...
(Now yr 6 and just fine-never going to be a mathematician, but that's ok).
Your little boy is only 5 FGS! At that age they should be mainly leaning thru play anyway imo.

If you can't move school, I'd definitely ask for an appointment with the senior teacher at least. No way should you have had this sprung on you, and no way should they just punish him without having strategies for how they are going to help him improve. My youngest DS had terrible concentration in P1 and they used timers on his desk and set him tasks he could complete so that he was encouraged. He's in P2 now and is much better, although still needs attention brought to his focus regularly by the teacher.

My word he is five. FIVE! He should be playing, not being punished by missing his entire break time. Five is still so tiny. I'm afraid I'd have been very blunt and told the teacher that I won't support that sort of punishment and if they weren't willing to understand five year old boys I'd pull him out.

I have a five year old boy (in reception). I wouldn't put up with this. Mine still comes to our bed in the middle of the night frequently, they need empathy, encouragement and love at that age.

I agree keeping him in at playtime is daft.

Teacher could maybe try a little task chart on his desk. Broken down into very simple steps. This could even be picture cues. If he achieves his target eg. Finish maths work then he should get praise.

Breaking it down further the teacher could start with - finish 5 out of the ten sums today. Small achievable goals with reward and praise in mind. Certainly not punishment.

If I were you I would ask to please have five minutes of her time and suggest some more appropriate techniques. Just say u find it works well at home and she can't argue really.

Hope that helps

I totally agree with other posters, they are expecting so much from 5 year old, and it's not right they kept all the worries until parents' eve to mention about it.

My ds was not behaving so well in early years, but now is one of good behaved ones. I think you are doing great job addressing the issue now. So don't blame yourself, you are doing great, imo.

Thank you all for all of your helpful and constructive replies. I was fully expecting a bit of a flaming for not noticing myself. Thank you

I would talk to your son and ask him what is going on. If there is something bothering him etc. I would also look at his diet and make sure he is not getting too much sugar, as that makes kids hard to focus and hyper. I notice my kids are not well behaved after having it. I let them have it once in a while...but I notice a different in behaviour shortly after for sure! Also, check his eyes and ears to make sure he can see and hear well. That could effect learning and his work.

I don't think a move in a week would cause too much disruption in behaviour, as we are in the same position. And we actually just changed our daughters school and moving house at the same time, and this hasn't effected her negatively at all. Teachers said she has settled in well at school and doing really well. However, previously she had a bit of not listening well at her other school and we found out she had glue ear after I got her tested bc I was concerned about her hearing. When kids can not hear, they can not follow direction and teachers might think they are just not paying attention, when in fact its just they can not hear. My dd will get tested in a couple months to see if it cleared. She has on occasion said her ears haver turned on. So hopefully it cleared. In her new school they are aware and keep her in the front always.

Yy to the ear testing - he passed the school screening in reception however he has very waxy ears and I have to repeat myself a lot so I think I should get them tested again. Is that a gp call or hv or something else?

Try this simple test: whisper "Would you like some chocolate?"

I'm being semi-serious. I'm a GP. Over the years I have sent maybe 100 kids for hearing tests because parents were concerned they weren't listening. Not a single one has ever come back as showing poor hearing unless there were other reasons to suspect it. Of course, poor attention in class can be one of the symptoms of hearing loss but hearing loss isn't situational and it is totally normal to have to repeat yourself to a 5 year old.

My ds had a bit of hard of hearing, and was referred by school nurse to the specialist. Turned out that he had fluid built up after some infection. They said it's common, and suggested us to use some ear drops but needed to wait for fluid to recede naturally.

I'm sure gp would be able to refer as well.

I did the whole tears thing when DS was 5 and the school found him 'a bit challenging' (a bloody nightmare.)
He is also bright and was quite spirited but looking back their response was OTT. As a first time mum with few reference points I didn't know how to challenge them properly.
Anyway if it's any comfort - he is now a lovely sixth former with fantastic offers from top universities and a close group of lovely friends.
Listen to the school and work with them but don't take it too seriously - he's just a little boy finding his personality and what he can get away with.

HE IS FIVE! and repeat....in some countries he wouldn't even be in school! Poor boy.