Permanent Exclusion at Six years of age.

[HoundoftheBaskervilles]

I don't want to be writing this, I can't believe I've got here, but i need the help of the women on this board.

My daughter is six years old, I have her and a DS (who is the World's most, gentle and biddable child), DD is different, has been volatile from starting school (she was fine at pre-school).

From the age of four DD has been angry, (she's the youngest in the year, August born, and whilst I think this is contributory I don't think it's causal), she started school early and I think I may have made a mistake at putting her on the school bus as a young four year old, but, we live rurally and DH works away & I (despite repeated efforts, have yet to pass my driving test - it was expedient at the time) The first school she went to, she wigged out on the school bus, attacked other children, it wasn't great. I'm trying to precis here, but the school handled it badly, they kept putting her in isolation at the age of four and we had many meetings, I kept trying to tell them, many of her feelings are relating to rejection - she's always been insecure (for no reason - she's had a happy life - but she feels, and always has, rejection very seriously).

So we changed schools, we went to a school recommended by our peers, and it's been brilliant, so supportive, we accessed CAHMS, She had one to one support (which was ended at Easter on the behest of the LEA).

But last week, it all went wrong, she's been great at school for nine months, brilliant, not a problem, last thursday she started to go a little off the wall. Tried to abscond, it was handled ok, tried to abscond the next day, I was called in, when I got there, she'd been physically restrained for 30 mins, the two teachers who were involved in the restraint were looking resigned, but not upset. She was released and immediately went for the teacher that had restrained her, kicked her & pulled her hair, the teacher stormed off with the epitaph 'I've had it with this school',

I managed to calm her down and she wanted to apologise, we went to the office, but the teacher concerned was still crying, when she saw this DD grinned, it was a nervous grin, but it was still a grin, the secretary chased her out with a 'I don't think that's very nice DD', I just excited the area, I had to get away, I knew apologies were futile by this point.

She was excluded for three days, I had the letter yesterday, it hurt, but I understood, I went in today to what I thought was a reintegration interview, I was met by the Vicar who serves on the board of govs and was given a letter of permanent exclusion.

I've been blindsided, I'm so upset, I had 30 seconds to formulate an appropriate response. She's six, I feel she's been excluded from education forever.

SIX

Fuck - I'm so upset - I need some help here.

And yes Imip I completely identify with that, she's a bolter, she doesn't necessarily harm, but at the same time she has NO idea how to be safe, she throws herself out of windows and out of the gate into the road, she's impulsive, she climbs, I sometimes worry that I'll never get her to adulthood, I don't know how to keep her safe.

I'm afraid I have nothing constructive to add about the exclusion but about the school. If she does get sent to the school 30 mile away would she not be supplied with transport to get there? I would have thought she would.

You have named your DD in one of your recent posts.

If you report it to MNHQ, they will edit your post for you.

I've also reported it for the same reason.

Am shocked (and disgusted ) at some of the harsh comments. I hope some of the perfect parents on here never need any support!
Do you local council have any support workers? Where I live (England) there is a team made up of education welfare officers, parenting specialists etc. The idea is you get one worker to guide and support you with school, cahms, LEA etc? It sounds like you could do with someone like this.

I think it's ok Sanity, if anyone I know reads this they'll know me anyway, I don't hide stuff, I do think sometimes anonymity works, in this case, I have nothing to hide, I often think people hide too much.

I think it's ok to be a shit mother, it's ok to fail, it's ok, if people want to point the fingers, let them.

Hiding stuff makes it worse for others.

If your dd goes to that SS then the LA should provide transport. If you haven't yet, may I also recommend you pop over to the SN boards as there are some on there that have been through similar and can offer helpful advice as well.

i think I may just do that Alice

Not to be glib, but you sound like a great mother to me. DD is lucky to have you in her corner. Nothing to add except take care.

just sending you some sympathy.

It's all such a shock being faced with a group of adults who just hand out a judgment like that. I'm glad you are going to appeal,even if you find a much better place for your dd,because I think that school need to explain some things to you.I think that there are some thing which they could have put in place which would have prevented this from happening.

They could have asked you to reduce your dd's time in school- perhaps this could have prevented her finding the last few weeks of term hard. It's hardly a surprise that the end of term is difficult for lots of children. Doe the school have a calming room? Why not? (I'm betting they are quite old fashioned) Most schools have a calming space now and some children can signal that they are finding a lesson hard and they can leave for a calming down time.

Did they run interventions? There are many small groups run by Ta's,teachers,specialists,school counsellors which build confidence or directly teach social skills- whatever. I wonder if your school runs things like this? Something as simple as Lego club during lunch time.

They really do need to answer why she was restrained for 30 mins. I have been trained in restraint - a million years ago- and it would be a last measure when EVERYTHING else had been tried,and then tried again. 30 mins was a long time. How did she feel afterwards? Please write down what she says and take it to the meeting.

I'm not saying that your dd made the right decisions or that the school made all the wrong ones but I feel that school need to explain their actions.
Are you clear about what lead up to the restraint?

Sorry for all the questions,but I know how hard it is and I really feel for you. I think I would be tempted to just home school for the next few weeks,at 6 there are loads of lovely days out and craft nice play down the park which are educational,without your child being overwhelmed.

I have no doubt that you have done everything you can,as we all do.Discipline and consequnces are the last thing which you or she needs!

No time to respond properly but 30 minutes restraint is excessive & unacceptable.

It sounds as if she needs the support back in place - this incident will help her get that xx

And yes I have a severely autistic son who has physical behaviours & I wouid hit the roof if he was restrained for 3 minutes (not least because it's bloody dangerous for staff). 30 minutes is appalling - don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

(And I have been on restraint courses & work very closely with someone who runs one).

It sounds to me like this little school simply cannot cope with your DD and her needs. You say you've been blindsided, but this isn't the first instance of behaviour that they've been unable to deal with and with her attacking teachers (on this occasion), her peers previously, and trying to leave the school premises and needing to be restrained, it sounds like they've realised that they cannot keep anybody safe while she remains at the school without dedicated support.

Of course you're emotional right now - anyone would be. But once you've had a chance to reflect I would (as others have said), focus on trying to find the RIGHT educational solution (one that probably isn't this little village school with its limited resources and experience). Your DD clearly needs more help and support than this school can provide without outside help, but if you're rural and without transport then the LEA will have to provide transport to a suitable school. Your DS's education should not be disrupted either and he's not going to be sent to a SS, so I'd focus on trying to find solutions and try to keep your emotions in check, if you can.

Thanks Saintly my Dad (who is a hero), said it was abuse.

Jimjams/Guggenheim, sorry for hijack but what do you DO if a child is trying to selfharm/harm others and they can't be calmed down? I quite see that 30 mins restraint is horrible for everyone but what is the alternative?

I think they can, they did for a year without incident.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. As a Special Needs teacher, I would disagree with posters saying the length of restraint was inappropriate. Distressing for all, in no way ideal (calm room would be better) , but sometimes there genuinely is no other option to keep a child safe. Schools have a duty of care to keep all children and staff safe. It sounds like this school doesn't have the staffing levels or possibly space to do this.

I've been seriously injured 3 times in my career by a 6 year - old, people really underestimate how much damage a little one can do. Having worked with children who will keep attacking no matter what strategies you use, and who will try to escape from a calm room/self - harm when in there (causing staff to go in to then be attacked again) it's behaviour which would be difficult to deal with in a small school. Schools very rarely permanently exclude lightly, this will have been done on safety grounds - they can't keep her safe. She really needs specialist help. Often girls with ASD present differently to boys, is this something CAHMS are looking at? (Not trying to diagnose over Internet, but she sounds like a very overloaded wee girl, plus the difficulty with appropriate responses to others' distress).

There comes a time (wrongly, in my opinion) when many parents have to really fight for their child to get help. This is it for you now. I'm wishing you strength for this, she deserves the help to allow her to thrive, once this is right, you can both move forward.

As OP has posted, school did keep her safe but support was then withdrawn at Easter. This could have been building up over a period of time. Possibly the triggers were not identified by staff, as OP's dd's needs have not been clearly identified. Even with a dx teachers can miss signs of anxiety and overload due to lack of training.

What were CAMHS looking at op? Has dd been assessed by a sensory OT?

I know that you cannot diagnose over the Internet, but just have a look around the sn boards, in particular threads relating to girls and autism.despite loads of info being freely available on it on the web and in the media, it seems many schools and mental health professionals are not clued up on it. As a pp said, sometimes parents do have to fight for this to be recognised.

You may read it and it may sound familiar to you, or it may not. But I do think when a child faces this many issues at such a young age, and comes from a supportive home environment, there must be something underlying it all...

You have my heartfelt sympathy OP.

I don't have practical advice, but I do have a story.

I had a cousin very much like this. (He jumped out windows, chased us around once with a ceremonial machete!, etc. He was never malicious, just somehow didn't understand what he was doing or the consequences.) He was incredibly hard work for my aunt and uncle. Somehow how they persevered. The persevered well into his 20s. He seemed to mature slowly. He now has a university degree, is married to a woman also with a degree, they both have good jobs and several boys of their own that they dote on. This seems like a great result to me! (To be fair, my aunt and uncle both had good jobs and were able to throw serious money at the problem from time to time. A bit of change to throw does make life easier.)

I just want to say that however dark things look at the moment, and however daunting it is to have other people "write your child off" don't despair. You are her mum. You love her. There is always hope. But it may be damned hard work.

Thecountess I hope I didn't make it sound like an easy choice,there are some occasions where restraint may need to happen- but I think it's right to question it and ask the school to explain how they came to use restraint.

I've worked with children for a long time and I would look very carefully for trigger points for that child,as an attempt to prevent an incident from occurring. The next step would be to de escalate situations which were becoming difficult- perhaps something the child didn't really understand could be put to them in a different way. I'd give loads of choices,not consequences and attempt to stop anger from building.

If a child has become aggressive then I would continue to try to de escalate and give them masses of space.getting into the personal space of a distressed child is a real trigger. Removal of the class from the scene,risk assessment plans so that staff know what to do. A card in the classroom so that another child can be sent for some help.

Yes,I have had to restrain children,a very long time ago,and it was the absolute last resort. It was only ever for a few mins and would involve removing the child to a safer space and allowing them to cool down.

I honestly do know how complex this is,which is why interventions need to be in place. If the 121 support had been left in place then this might not have happened at all. Staff budgets have been cut and cut in schools,perhaps this school needed more adults or better training.

I just think that there are ways to prevent this from happening to such a young child.

Also, it's worth looking at what physical actions she does when she's like this, how could this be replicated but safely? E.g. running ( in a space she can't get out of), hitting (punch bag/big cushions/bean bags), throwing (koosh balls/soft balls), pulling things (therabands/tearing paper). It's often a strong sensory need and if you can teach her to do this in a safe way that can work well.

One of my former pupils liked being held in a very firm 'squeezy' hug. He was violent towards staff as he was seeking the restraint, but couldn't put this into words. We managed to move him away from hitting by 'catching' him in a squeezy hug, then releasing him, then 'catching' him again. It removed the agression and turned it into a playful situation.

Whilst I have great sympathy for you and your daughter I do not think that children who attack staff or other pupils should be allowed on school grounds. I think that should be a permanent rule relating to all schools.