11 yrs turning completely incompetent. Help please

[Geminiii24]

Me and his dad split up a year ago because his dad was completely incompetent (amongst other things) and now my 11 years old is exhibiting the same behaviour. And every time I tell him the correct way to do things, he sighs and gets really emotional and say that all I do is shout at him. I can never get my point across as he takes it the wrong way.
examples from yesterday;
at breakfast he had milk and cereal. I walk into the kitchen after he is finished and he’s left everything out of the table, including his spoon and bowl. As I’m putting the milk back in the fridge, I realised that there was another container of milk already there. Turns out it was empty. Instead of him taking it out and putting it in the recycling, he left it in there. He also knows that everything goes back in it’s place and that his bowl goes in the dishwasher, yet this is something I have to tell him E.v.E.r.y. Single day!
in the evening he wanted to make a vegetable soup. First rule I put down was that : if you use the kitchen, you always clean it. He knows this! Yet! The stove was dirty, the counter was dirty, the table was dirty, the utensils and pots and pans he used where all left out. And I had to call him back multiple times to come clean it all.

it just ticks me off so badly and I start telling him about it in a nice calm way, but as he sighs and rolls him eyes, I start getting annoyed, he gets upset and we start shouting back and forth. Because he already knows this, yet he doesn’t do it and it reminds me so much of his dad, that makes it so much worse.

we moved into our new house a few months ago and he knows nothing about anything. He doesn’t know where the salt goes, or where the bread goes. Or where I keep the bin bags, nothing. He is just in the house floating around, completely unaware of things. And again, it annoys me so much, I don’t know what to do. I’m at a loss. I’m a very busy woman, I can’t have this incompetence following me around in life. He is usually very bright so I don’t know why he is acting like he is so dumb and stupid. Honestly.
if Im in the wrong, please tell me how to handle this. I don’t want my son to be this kind of person

Definitely an age thing, my DC similar age is the same. It's such an effort to them and doesn't cross their minds to do certain things like it does us. Dirty pants on floor next to wash basket, drives me nuts.
It'll sink in eventually, maybe set pocket money incentives.

He's 11. This behaviour is pretty normal. They are both oblivious and self-centred, which is developmentally normal for his age.

You just have to lighten up and enforce the rules. With the milk bottle in the fridge, I'd have made a (probably crap) joke about needing to go to Specsavers and asked him to sort it, then thanked him when he did.

You need to focus more on the positives too - he wanted to make soup? That's good at only 11. Then kindly enforce the cleaning up.

You sound like you're taking out your anger with your ex on your child, but your ex was an adult with responsibilities and your 11yo is... a child still.

Enforce, but with humour/kindness.

You say 'I don't want my son to be this sort of person' but my view is you're more in the wrong given his youth.

He's making soup at 11? That's pretty good!
But yes the tidying up is very annoying and unfair on you, and frankly rude and lazy to expect you to clean it up.
Given you're the only adult in the house now, could you go on strike for a day and practice the same approach, leaving everything out that you use, not washing or ironing his uniform / football kit etc and see if the penny drops? You all have to play your part in a family and he's being mean leaving everything to you.
What's the situation with your ex- do you think he could've told/intimated to your DS that you made him leave- could your DS be blaming you and this is his way of punishing you through lack of support?
If you're ex is reasonable could you talk to him and say he's turning into a lazy wotsit and could your ex have a word?

You sound high maintenance, poor kid. Why can't you cut him a break?
Were your parents as strict?

I think its a great achievement he is independent enough to make something healthy like soup instead of junk food- maybe focus on positivity then negativity to get the response you want. No wonder he's emotional, new house and walking on eggshells with you.

Plus the new house thing might be contributing- he doesn't want to settle, he's trying to prove it's not his home- maybe if he genuinely doesn't know where things are you could give him some ownership by doing the dishwasher together and talk about why everything is where it is- maybe put music on and relax over it so it's less boring and tedious and more of a bonding exercise.
Sounds like he needs to attach to the new house - could he have a friend over or the two of you do movie nights etc?

My son is like this too. I know it's really frustrating but I'd just keep reminding! I'd agree that you need to be careful saying he is like his dad. In my opinion a lot kids are like this.

This oP.
go on strike for a couple of days.

Poor kid. Stop projecting your disappointment in his father on to him.

11yos are pretty useless.

wait until he’s 19 and hoards a household worth of glasses, plates and cutlery in his bedroom despite a no food in the bedroom rule.

Or takes your wet washing out of the tumble dryer, dumps it on the floor and puts his own in because he needs it for work in ten minutes.

Kids are selfish awful creatures 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think you are in danger of putting his Dad’s behaviour (laziness and incompetence) onto him and forgetting that he isn’t an adult but an 11 year old boy. Who is trying by making cereal and soup. Very bright but floating around sounds perfectly normal for his age and I do think you are maybe expecting too much because you are scared of him being his father.

a lot of these threads about men and laziness often have the concept of I shouldn’t need to do this I am not his mother.

here you are and I think you have put too much too soon. Either take it slowly as a parent child expectations and build up. Or say ok I am busy I need you to step up and be more grownup let’s figure out house rules together.

what you are doing is saying this is how I want it all to be step in line

Bloody hell you sound AWFUL.

At 11 years old you are expecting quite a lot. For cooking I would be doing it alongside them and teaching them how to tidy as they go rather than leaving them too it and then being annoyed they haven't cleaned up.

Interesting responses so far. My 4 yr old manages to tidy up after themselves. So do my 8-10 yr old nieces and nephews. So did I as a child and my siblings. Of course reminders are sometimes needed, but certainly not daily! But based on responses so far, either we are all incredibly unusual or the adults are AWFUL people for enforcing this rule. It would drive me mad as it’s a sign of disrespect and selfishness and privileges would be restricted whenever multiple reminders had to be issued.

In case it’s cultural, I should add that I’m not English but have lived in England for 35 years.

I think this is all normal for 11. My 11 year old couldn’t make soup so I’m pretty impressed with that for starters.

You sound as though you resent having a child, I hope that's not the impression you give your son.

The way you talk about your ds makes it sound as if you’re talking about an adult partner.

Your ds is 11. He’s still a kid, not even reached puberty yet. If you’re having this many run ins with him now, teen life will be hell. You will seriously damage the relationship if you continue in this vein.

Time to separate him emotionally from your ex and if you can’t, you need therapy. Your ds is your child, a person in his own right. Not a carbon copy of his father.

My 14 yo dd is similarly lazy. But you know what? She’s polite, gets herself ready for school, keeps her room tidy, does her homework, can be entropy and lippy. I take the rough with the smooth.

Just as another point, he could still be struggling emotionally due to the split. Did he start secondary, move house and his parents split in the same year? If so that’s quite a lot for any child. He might be a bit all at sea emotionally and need a bit of tlc.

• Stroppy

This
His behaviour is normal, and your use of the word ‘incompetent’ is very worrisome. I hope he hasn’t picked up on you feeling that way

Jeez, stupid and incompetent? Poor boy, he's 11, one of the nastiest posts I've seen on here. Stop projecting your hatred for his dad onto him. You might think he doesn't know but he does. I think of my son at that age and could cry for your boy. He's making soup for fucks sake, give him a break.

I think the issue is your thought process and language around it.

"I can't have this incompetence following me around".

He's 11. He cooked vegetable soup. He's not incompetent.

He's like a usual 11yo who thinks the cleaning fairy exists!

Set simple rules. And simple consequences.

If he doesn't clean the kitchen then there is nothing clean for you to be able to cook with next. So simple say "when you e cleaned up after yourself I can do x".

If he leaves a mess and asks for a lift somewhere simply say "sorry I can't - I'm too busy tidying the kitchen up from you cooking soup".

It needs to become a natural consequence it inconveniences him leaving a mess so he then has a reason to change the behaviour.

He's only 11!

Interesting responses so far. My 4 yr old manages to tidy up after themselves. So do my 8-10 yr old nieces and nephews.

Come back when your 4 year old is 11 and hitting puberty. Mine loved doing housework and tidying at 4, 11 not so much. Now a teen he's back to being more helpful, if not a bit forgetful. It's a developmental stage and you need to chill out and stop treating your child like a partner OP.

He is still a child, you can’t expect a child to replace the other adult on the house. The way you speak about him is appalling.

Yes it is frustrating when you tell them a dozen times to clean up, take clean washing up etc. But calling a child stupid and dumb is not the way to do it. Even if you don’t say those words to his face he will pick up on your attitude towards him.

By the sounds of it he’s had a lot of changes in the past year, he will either be in final year of primary or adjusting to secondary school. So aware of more changes coming up.

It’s fine to feel frustrated but if you come across to him as you come across on here then I think you are also in need of a big change in your behaviour.