11 yrs turning completely incompetent. Help please

[Geminiii24]

Me and his dad split up a year ago because his dad was completely incompetent (amongst other things) and now my 11 years old is exhibiting the same behaviour. And every time I tell him the correct way to do things, he sighs and gets really emotional and say that all I do is shout at him. I can never get my point across as he takes it the wrong way.
examples from yesterday;
at breakfast he had milk and cereal. I walk into the kitchen after he is finished and he’s left everything out of the table, including his spoon and bowl. As I’m putting the milk back in the fridge, I realised that there was another container of milk already there. Turns out it was empty. Instead of him taking it out and putting it in the recycling, he left it in there. He also knows that everything goes back in it’s place and that his bowl goes in the dishwasher, yet this is something I have to tell him E.v.E.r.y. Single day!
in the evening he wanted to make a vegetable soup. First rule I put down was that : if you use the kitchen, you always clean it. He knows this! Yet! The stove was dirty, the counter was dirty, the table was dirty, the utensils and pots and pans he used where all left out. And I had to call him back multiple times to come clean it all.

it just ticks me off so badly and I start telling him about it in a nice calm way, but as he sighs and rolls him eyes, I start getting annoyed, he gets upset and we start shouting back and forth. Because he already knows this, yet he doesn’t do it and it reminds me so much of his dad, that makes it so much worse.

we moved into our new house a few months ago and he knows nothing about anything. He doesn’t know where the salt goes, or where the bread goes. Or where I keep the bin bags, nothing. He is just in the house floating around, completely unaware of things. And again, it annoys me so much, I don’t know what to do. I’m at a loss. I’m a very busy woman, I can’t have this incompetence following me around in life. He is usually very bright so I don’t know why he is acting like he is so dumb and stupid. Honestly.
if Im in the wrong, please tell me how to handle this. I don’t want my son to be this kind of person

The poor boy. He's 11! If my 11yo ever eanted to make soup, I'd fall over in shock.

You need to cut him a LOT of slack and stop expecting more of him than you did your ex.

He's had a lot of change in his life and probably feels really insecure. Your job is to make him feel secure. Perhaps the criticism over tidiness can wait.

He's telling you how he feels: that you're always shouting at him. Listen to him and change your behaviour.

That sounds so over the top. I've known people with the same attitude as you and their children ended up nervous wrecks with all sorts of issues, as they couldn't relax in their own house and were always afraid of putting a foot wrong..

OP, you're being way too harsh on your poor kid. Pick him up on it every time (gently) work alongside him, and use tons of praise! Over time (as in several months, not days!), it will become natural to tidy up after himself.

Give the kid a break.. He's a child. He's not your ex.

‘Dumb, stupid, incompetent, knows nothing about anything’

Wow. Brutal. Would he prefer to live with his father?

Er, I’m not a nervous wreck in my own house and neither are my wider family. I’ve known people with the same attitude as most on this thread and the children seem to lack basic manners and respect while the adults either nag their children all the time or leave them to treat their homes like a pigsty.

He's an eleven-year-old child. Get a grip.

I’m a very busy woman, I can’t have this incompetence following me around in life.

Your poor child.

Have a word with yourself will you?

THIS. Why are you taking out your issues with your ex on your soon? He’s still a CHILD. @Geminiii24

He’s only 11 years old. Give him a break. 😱

I’m in my fifties and always leave cooking pans and stuff out until the next day and then sort it. Some of us are naturally quite messy. 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP - you're getting an unnecessarily hard time here. Your post was not "vile". It was clearly the voice of an incredibly frustrated woman. And yes, it does sound rather like you're projecting your issues iwith your ex onto your DS so you really do need to work on that.

I have an 11 year old too and recognise much of what you're talking about. I aim to consistently and calmly, but firmly, remind him. I think the words, "No DS-Name, your empty bowl does NOT go on the counter -put it in the dishwasher please" should just be recorded onto a key fob so I can press a button and have it said for me - it happens so often.

And when the frustration gets overwhelming, it's awful but it does precipitate proper conversations where we talk about it. I've apologised for shouting and explained my frustration. Promised to do better and asked him to do the same. And things improve and overall things improve all the time so we might take a step back for every two we take forward, but we get there.

Oh, and even if he's just doing the bare minimum, I make a point of thanking him and acknowledging it. I think it's really important that they do see the proper praise. Even if it is just me saying "thank you" when he puts the bowl in the dishwasher after Iv'e had to remind him!

im going to disagree with many posters but I think you are right, your ds is taking the mick.

Some stuff i wouldn’t expect from an 11yo. Like realising there is an empty bottle in the fridge and putting in the bin.
However, I WOULD expect an 11yo to out an empty bottle in the bin rather than in the bin. And to tidy up after b’fast etc.. To know where the salt is after been shown where it is once or twice.

ive learnt that the best way is to not get angry and answer ‘I don’t know’ to obvious questions.
To nit let him go out if the room until it’s tidy (and yes it means you need to be around) because then you avoid the calling him back etc….

I would say you need to be careful to separate his behaviour from his dad’s behaviour. Whilst it is true that he will have learnt from watching his dad, he is also an entirely different person. And still a child, which means he can learn!

That only works if you are living alone or who ever is living with you us happy with that mess.
If you’re not, then it’s disrespectful.

Also, if you leave stuff in the way and you’re the one who is using the kitchen next and therefore the one tidies, fine. You do you.
If the next Mersin who is using the kitchen then has to tidy up forcyou - not fine. And this is the likely situation in the OP’s case.

Last but not least, the OP is very rightly trying to teach her ds to look after himself and not rely in others to do all the crap stuff for him. She is teaching him to participate in the chores around the house and today up after himself. Seeing the amount if threads on here with ‘incompetent men’, it’s more than needed!!

Really asking an 11 year old to clean up after himself is now high maintenance lol I’ve seen it all on MN.

As a high maintenance parent of a future nervous wreck, I’m beginning to wonder if there’s a correlation between the typical approach to 11 yr olds on this thread and the feckless men that are the subject of so many other MN threads.

The OP actually sounds abusive in language. This block in particular
"I’m a very busy woman, I can’t have this incompetence following me around in life. He is usually very bright so I don’t know why he is acting like he is so dumb and stupid. Honestly."
Seriously WTF? He is incompetence following you around?
He's 11 and will get all his doubt added on when he hits secondary school. At home you should be building him up so he can face it without breaking. What if your ex punched him in the face whenever he reminded him of you? It's the same fucked up energy.

This is normal for an 11 yr old boy! You repeat the same thing every day! Please, try NOT to shout ( I know it's hard). Choose your battles! Praise him a lot for little wins.

He’s your child. Be a competent parent and discipline him appropriately for his age.

It’s unfair to dump your issues about his dad on him. Put that aside.

My 11 YO isn't half as oblivious as my 14 YOs.

It's infuriating. Time and time again I have to say to them - I'm not asking much, the one 'job' they have is to clear the table after dinner and ensure the dishwasher is filled and on. EVERY TIME I have to check and then call them back. Then they get annoyed, and I get annoyed, and everyone is annoyed!

I've literally told them if they want to be treated like little kids then they can handover their phones and their xboxes and I'll make them a sticker chart. Because I'm their mother not their boss, they are part of a family and I'm not asking them to provide slave labour.

Slowly it's getting better.

I think you are my mum. I still can't relax while I'm in her house in fear of putting things in the wrong place and I stress out when she comes over to mine because I know she'll slag me off if it's not up to her standard. I don't want that sort of relationship with my kids when they're older.

Yes, with you there. Hopefully your mum will slack off a little as she gets older, mine did. But not until she was very advanced in years.

I've literally told them if they want to be treated like little kids then they can handover their phones and their xboxes and I'll make them a sticker chart. Because I'm their mother not their boss, they are part of a family and I'm not asking them to provide slave labour.

I love this. We were struggling with DH refusing to get ready in the morning - lying in bed, looking at a screen etc etc and not understanding that if he had to leave at 8:20, he couldn't then start looking for his blazer/tie/shoes/pe kit at 8:19. So we told him that every day he's not at the front door, fully dressed, bag packed etc by 8:20, we'll be docking his pocket money. The change has been remarkable. And we're ALL less stressed.

DS. Not DH. hahahahaha

I’m almost certain I’m not your mum as I would never slag off my child. My mum has also never (ever) slagged off me or my siblings as that’s just terrible parenting and none of us have the type of anxious relationship that you seem to describe. My mum can be a PITA (like most mums) but she is a warm person. Growing up our home was loud, full of laughter and visitors and her home is much the same now.

If she comes round to my house and it’s messy, she knows to worry as it’s very unlike me and immediately gets stuck in helping me, no questions asked as she knows I will eventually tell her what’s wrong when I’m ready. Certainly no slagging off. This is all to say that the issues between you and your mum are likely not down to you being asked to tidy up after yourself but probably down to poor parenting.