11 yrs turning completely incompetent. Help please

[Geminiii24]

Me and his dad split up a year ago because his dad was completely incompetent (amongst other things) and now my 11 years old is exhibiting the same behaviour. And every time I tell him the correct way to do things, he sighs and gets really emotional and say that all I do is shout at him. I can never get my point across as he takes it the wrong way.
examples from yesterday;
at breakfast he had milk and cereal. I walk into the kitchen after he is finished and he’s left everything out of the table, including his spoon and bowl. As I’m putting the milk back in the fridge, I realised that there was another container of milk already there. Turns out it was empty. Instead of him taking it out and putting it in the recycling, he left it in there. He also knows that everything goes back in it’s place and that his bowl goes in the dishwasher, yet this is something I have to tell him E.v.E.r.y. Single day!
in the evening he wanted to make a vegetable soup. First rule I put down was that : if you use the kitchen, you always clean it. He knows this! Yet! The stove was dirty, the counter was dirty, the table was dirty, the utensils and pots and pans he used where all left out. And I had to call him back multiple times to come clean it all.

it just ticks me off so badly and I start telling him about it in a nice calm way, but as he sighs and rolls him eyes, I start getting annoyed, he gets upset and we start shouting back and forth. Because he already knows this, yet he doesn’t do it and it reminds me so much of his dad, that makes it so much worse.

we moved into our new house a few months ago and he knows nothing about anything. He doesn’t know where the salt goes, or where the bread goes. Or where I keep the bin bags, nothing. He is just in the house floating around, completely unaware of things. And again, it annoys me so much, I don’t know what to do. I’m at a loss. I’m a very busy woman, I can’t have this incompetence following me around in life. He is usually very bright so I don’t know why he is acting like he is so dumb and stupid. Honestly.
if Im in the wrong, please tell me how to handle this. I don’t want my son to be this kind of person

This.

I can't believe you're being so foul to an eleven year old child.

By all means encourage and support, but getting angry for pretty normal age related behaviour. Yuck.

It’s a male thing! I work with lots of males and they do the same stuff such as putting an empty milk bottle in the fridge etc

Infuriating yes, but the constant negative will impact his self esteem. Can you try a few days of focusing on the positives whilst reminding of what needs doing, “oh my goodness this soup is so delicious I love that you made it, tell me your recipe?” “Fab, so shall we tidy together? You do this…. I’ll do this….”

Take a step back your DS has experience a lot of changes recently, his father no longer living at home, just mum at home, new house, at 11 he will be either just finding out about his secondary school choice or recently joined secondary school. It can be a lot for him to adjust to, you need to reinforce and praise the positive things he does and use them as a way to encourage better behaviour in the areas he needs to improve. You need to be patient that’s the key, as all it takes is a small bump to unravel good behaviour.

I don’t think your expectations are unrealistic at all, kids to this age should 100% clean up after themselves. Whether they do this all the time, to your standard or without prompting is another story. Continue to encourage responsibility in a loving and calm manner.

Making soup at 11 is great!

Stop expecting him to do it like an adult would, and stop judging him by adult standards. He will forget, so you tell him again. And again and again. Calmly. Never escalate to shouting. I have never shouted at my ten year old unless physical safety was involved (ie ‘stop! Car!’).

Eye rolling / dramatic sighing is very rude and I would give a warning and then a consequence like reduced screentime for that (assuming that you are always civil and polite to him).

As to his actual personality taking after his dad - that’s not up to you. He may take after his dad or he may not 🤷‍♀️ you don’t get to choose his personality. You can teach him to be polite and to clear the kitchen but if he’s a daydreamer he may stay a daydreamer for life and that isn’t bad just because you’re angry with your ex.

"he sighs and rolls his eyes"
That's the bit I'd be ticking him off for. It's rude and disrespectful. Does he do it to his teacher? Of course not. So he doesn't get to do it to you either.

For everything else, I made it clear to DS that my job as his mother was to prepare him for independent adult life - I may have used the word 'train' rather than 'prepare'. At 11 my expectations were low, but you just have to persist. And it does take persistence.

"but as he sighs and rolls him eyes, I start getting annoyed, he gets upset and we start shouting back and forth."
You're the adult. You need to stay calm, no matter how annoyed. Don't show your annoyance. Calmly tick him off for the sighing and eye-rolling. NEVER shout. If he starts shouting, send him to his room to calm down.

Maybe have a discussion at a calm time (weekend, dinner?). Say you'd like to try another way of working to see if it makes you both happier. Introduce a ban on shouting - for BOTH of you. A ban on eye-rolling and sighing (for both of you, even though only he does it. Well, I hope only he does it...). Ask if there are any behaviours of yours that he wants banned. He'll undoubtedly say 'telling me what to do all the time', which leads you back to 'preparing him for adulthood, I'd be failing you if I didn't'.

It sounds as if your husband was a PITA, maybe deploying Strategic Incompetence to get you to take on all the drudgework. But - your son is not your husband. Being Strategically Incompetent is not a heritable trait, it is learned behaviour. You are right to do your best to stop him from learning it.

See how it goes.

I get the rage at being expected to tidy up after someone who is perfectly capable of doing it themselves.

But you sound FURIOUS - you're projecting a whole heap of stuff to do with your break up onto your child. You use really negative terms to describe him. Incompetent is a weird term to use - I wonder if you're busy because you're senior in business and used to having underlings who do what you tell them to do? Your son is not your employee.

Make space to spend time with your son, decide on some rules about tidying etc and apply them consistently, eg no TV if mess isn't cleared up, get help to sort out your emotions after the break up. Try to describe your son's behaviours rather than labelling him as something (eg being untidy is something he's doing, rather than dumb/stupid/incompetent is something he IS).

Underlying it all is your ambivalence that your son might turn into your husband, so you can't get away from your husband at all - get some therapy about this, your son needs your love and acceptance. He's not bound to become a carbon copy of your husband but he's also not bound to become exactly what you want him to be, he'll be his own person and needs to be nurtured and valued not always told he's in the wrong.

So in short things like leaving an empty milk bottle in the fridge should be an action that should be corrected, not taken as an indication he's going to be exactly the same as his father.

Sounds like a normal 11 year from my experience. You however seem hell bent on putting the traits you hated about his dad on him which is unfair. Lighten up.

Too busy to parent by the sounds of it. Poor child being called dumb and stupid. Maybe he's dumb and stupid because you're a crap mother. Did you think of that?

I can’t have this incompetence following me around in life.

Just vile. What an awful woman you are.

You sound like a nag and he sounds like a normal boy. None of this stuff would bother me.

Well, that's upbeat and constructive @Choconut how else are you going to make the world a better place today?

OP sounds to me like she's just been through a horrible break up, has had to be strong for ages, and has a ton of anxiety and trauma under the surface that she's not dealt with. And she needs to take the time to acknowledge all the pain, recover and deal with how her family has been reconfigured.

And every time I tell him the correct way to do things, he sighs and gets really emotional and say that all I do is shout at him.

But he's right, & you really need to control yourself & stop shouting at your 11 year old child.
it just ticks me off so badly and I start telling him about it in a nice calm way, but as he sighs and rolls him eyes, I start getting annoyed, he gets upset and we start shouting back and forth.

Because he already knows this, yet he doesn’t do it and it reminds me so much of his dad, that makes it so much worse.
IT'S NOT YOUR BOY'S FAULT THAT HE REMINDS YOU OF HIS DAD.

When he wanted to make veg soup, that was an opportunity for you to celebrate & support him. Tell him what a great idea to make a nutrition-packed meal, how you're looking forward to it. Then, at the clearing-up stage, when you knew he was likely to mess up, engage fully with him & the process. "You've done brilliantly, now let's work on finishing the job properly. We'll do it together so you learn, & I don't get frustrated with the mess, ok?"
As you clean up together, keep up the praise, thank him for trying, tell him how much nicer it is that you don't end up upset with each other.

Going forward, I'd start with an apology.
You are the adult here, it;s up to you to make this work. Staying locked in shouting combat - for whatever reason he's failing with his clean-up - is never going to change his behaviours. So open up by saying sorry for how frustrated you get with the mess, sorry for shouting, & how you need to work together to restore some harmony into these fraught clean-up times.

Yesterday evening, I woke my 11yo up to come back and flush the loo, which was disgusting. That’s just 11yo behaviour, which needs a consequence.

Your ds isn’t being any worse than a standard 11yo. He just needs training with as much positivity, good humour and natural consequences as you can manage.

OP sounds to me like she's just been through a horrible break up, has had to be strong for ages, and has a ton of anxiety and trauma under the surface that she's not dealt with. And she needs to take the time to acknowledge all the pain, recover and deal with how her family has been reconfigured.

Her DS, a child, has also been through all of that, through no fault of his own.
He isn't being given time to get over it, just being blamed for being like his father. He is a child - not even a teen, and it appears he is being expected to take on the role of second adult. Why does he need to know where the salt is kept, or the rubbish bags?

And mine is a dd, so no, this isn’t a ‘boys/men can’t see mess’ thing. It’s a needing to train up both boys and girls to pull their weight in the house thing.

& what do you think the outcome of a ridiculous, combative tit-for-tat game like that would be?

The 11 year old won't care about the mess, & will feel justified in not caring,
OP will get even more resentful, & probably end up shouting again.
Result: nothing constructive learned, & battle lines further entrenched.

PP seem to be forgetting that this is a CHILD whose parents have recently split & who has moved home.

Agreed, but I think OP sounds at the end of her tether. She needs to approach the relationship with DS differently but it will only happen if she gives herself a break first instead of trying to keep 400 plates spinning the whole time.

I don't think calling OP names or saying she's a bad mother contributes anything to the situation.

She’s not the victim, her son is.

You sound nice

@Squamata

You can’t abuse a child then use the excuse that you are stressed out because you are a “mum”.

Either

1. being a mum means being a good mum, in which case, stop resenting and damaging your child, or

2. it’s not important to be a good mum, in which case why are you stressed?

Cant have it both ways.

Poor kid: 11 years old, his parents have split up, he’s moved house, possibly started a new school or the prospect of secondary looming in September and his mother calls him incompetent and dumb.
Your attitude towards him is appalling OP. He’s not his dad, Stop taking your frustration out with his dad on your son.
He gets his own breakfast ready and makes himself a meal. I think that’s pretty good going.

Op is fine with name calling for sure. Dumb, Stupid and incompetent being some of the delightful adjectives she uses to describe her son.

“Incompetence” isn’t following you around, your son is. He’s hormonal, recently lost his dad and he probably feels unwelcome in his own home. Give him a cuddle and tell him you love him.

Sometimes I bite my tongue and plan what to say as my dc loves cooking but the mess is horrendous.

They cooked a meal on the hob yesterday and I said, this is a lovely treat for me to sit down and let you do all the cooking … etc. It was only later I mentioned how to wipe the hob. I had to consciously say the nice stuff as I wanted to step in earlier with the tidying up!

OP you're being ridiculous. You hate your ex but you don't get to take it out on your kid whenever he reminds you of him (which he will because genetics). Chill out and stop shouting at your kid, who sounds completely normal and has had a lot of change in his life.