11 yrs turning completely incompetent. Help please

[Geminiii24]

Me and his dad split up a year ago because his dad was completely incompetent (amongst other things) and now my 11 years old is exhibiting the same behaviour. And every time I tell him the correct way to do things, he sighs and gets really emotional and say that all I do is shout at him. I can never get my point across as he takes it the wrong way.
examples from yesterday;
at breakfast he had milk and cereal. I walk into the kitchen after he is finished and he’s left everything out of the table, including his spoon and bowl. As I’m putting the milk back in the fridge, I realised that there was another container of milk already there. Turns out it was empty. Instead of him taking it out and putting it in the recycling, he left it in there. He also knows that everything goes back in it’s place and that his bowl goes in the dishwasher, yet this is something I have to tell him E.v.E.r.y. Single day!
in the evening he wanted to make a vegetable soup. First rule I put down was that : if you use the kitchen, you always clean it. He knows this! Yet! The stove was dirty, the counter was dirty, the table was dirty, the utensils and pots and pans he used where all left out. And I had to call him back multiple times to come clean it all.

it just ticks me off so badly and I start telling him about it in a nice calm way, but as he sighs and rolls him eyes, I start getting annoyed, he gets upset and we start shouting back and forth. Because he already knows this, yet he doesn’t do it and it reminds me so much of his dad, that makes it so much worse.

we moved into our new house a few months ago and he knows nothing about anything. He doesn’t know where the salt goes, or where the bread goes. Or where I keep the bin bags, nothing. He is just in the house floating around, completely unaware of things. And again, it annoys me so much, I don’t know what to do. I’m at a loss. I’m a very busy woman, I can’t have this incompetence following me around in life. He is usually very bright so I don’t know why he is acting like he is so dumb and stupid. Honestly.
if Im in the wrong, please tell me how to handle this. I don’t want my son to be this kind of person

I dont have any great advice to offer, sorry, but I'm curious about whether he actually 'made' soup, or if he just opened a tin/ packet and heated it up?

I wouldn’t worry too much. Perhaps if he’s cooked (assuming it’s for both of you), then you could clean it up?

I think the main issue is that you think your son will turn into his Dad. You have years ahead of you to mould him into a productive human being, 11 is still quite young. He will not automatically be his father.

My mum was way too expecting of me as a child. Very negative and constantly nagging. Comparing me to other children/people all the time.

I hardly talk to her now.

You sound really unpleasant, describing your son as ‘dumb’ ‘stupid’ and ‘incompetent’ and comparing him to his father in such a derisive way. He’s a kid being a kid, lay off with the nastiness!! Stick to your rules and ensure he knows they’re to be followed but your attitude needs serious adjustment.

So there’s some sort of developmental leap after age 10 that renders English children unable to tidy up after themselves? My own child is 4 but, like I said, my nieces and nephews are 8-10 and have managed to avoid this leap so far and so did I and my siblings growing up.

Another focusing on the soup thing, that’s both lovely and great- my ten year old helps with foods such as sausages, pizza or waffles but soup would be a huge order! Incompetent was not the right word and yes you can’t compare a child to someone you don’t like. He sounds great (again I’m wowed by the soup thing lol!). Try not to be impatient, try a ‘here I’ll help you clean up after your breakfast’ and you work together, then a ‘thanks for that, we got it done quickly didn’t we? Place is looking great isn’t it?’ Etc ec, and repeat until it can turn into a ‘I’m in a hurry, can you make sure you put away after you? You’re brilliant, thanks!’

I agree.

He isn’t his Dad, he is a child.

Yes he should be cleaning uP after himself and you may need to keep prompting him. But you are an adult here and it sounds like you needs lots of prompting that shouting isn’t an good form of communication or an acceptable way to talk to your child.

It’s really frustrating, but I think you need to separate the fairly normal 11 year old behaviour from the way he is triggering memories of his father, which is probably making you over react. Not to mention the fact that you are doing your best parenting as a single parent, which must be exhausting.

An adult man with learned helplessness is basically a hopeless case. Your son has time, with your parenting, to learn responsibility and initiative. As others have said, keep your high standards and call him out when he leaves a mess but try to balance that out with building a positive relation with him and finding opportunities to encourage him as well. Does he have any positive male role models, maybe a grandad or uncle who he can spend some time with? Does he do something like scouts that is big on life skills and independence?

He’s probably dealing with hormones and his Dad moved out a year ago. Try not to be too harsh on him. I recommend the book “Raising Boys” for some helpful advice.

So there’s some sort of developmental leap after age 10 that renders English children unable to tidy up after themselves?

I wouldn't know, we're Scottish

Just chiming in to agree with most of the thread that you sound vile.

it’s amazing to me how many women use their children as punching bags for the terrible men they choose as fathers yet these same women have the audacity to behave like put upon victims.

Don't make your son pay for what his father did. Don't call him incompetent.
Show some appreciation for what he does do. Soup at 11 is pretty good.
We're all busy people but you signed up for this when you had him.
Children need time.

I agree @Mumsanetta we’d never have got away with this as kids and we wouldn’t expect it in our own homes now. I have friends who come to stay for the weekend and they can make a cup of tea and milk is left out, the tea bags are out on the side in an inexplicable place that’s neither near the kettle or the cupboard they live in, and there’s at least one dirty teaspoon, if not 3, sitting on the worktop above the dishwasher. It drives me nuts and there’s no way I could live with someone like that!

That poor child.
I feel so sorry for him.
Who describes their dc as dumb and stupid.
When my dc were 11 they wouldn’t clean up as well as they do now.

Be kind to him and do the tidying with him. Don’t stand there barking orders.
He’ll learn much quicker if you’re a team.

I get what you mean op

Its so hard when they go from being helpful and wanting to spend time with, do things with and for you when they are little and even boring things like tidying up would be done together, to lazy disrespectful and they start taking you for granted. You'd think you'd have sent them down the mines when you ask them to take their cup into the kitchen on the way upstairs.

Are you from the UK op? I must admit to it being a shock to have visited another country a few years back to discover kids working, and baby sitting and cooking etc at an age where most MN would probably still call social services for leaving them alone for the day while you worked. The expectations of children are extremely low. I remember when I was 11 I was more than capable of helping my parents clear up. Id have never been allowed to hide the floor under clothes like my 2 have and seemingly according to MN its perfectly normal to perform the krypton factor getting to the bedroom door.

No idea what the answer is but we can but hope tbey eventually come out the other side

OMG, one dirty teaspoon. The beginning of all evil!

It's because he's 11 and it takes several years to put what he knows into practice. My dd is just beginning to be able to tidy away after cooking and she's nearly 18- and it isn't because of lack of teaching her.

Interesting responses so far. My 4 yr old manages to tidy up after themselves. So do my 8-10 yr old nieces and nephews.

I found my DD at 4yo MUCH better at tidy-ing than at almost-11yo. Since puberty hit in the last few months she has definitely gotten way worse at just leaving things around.

OP: I suggest ignoring the sighs and eye rolling. Just keep repeating what needs to be done and praise him when he does it.

It's his age. My DD went from being very competent and capable to completely incompetent around this age. She now leaves a trail of destruction around her.

He's 11, you very high expectations. I can't get the 22&24 year olds in my house put things away! Emptying the dishwasher is a huge mystery, putting dirty stuff in it, even putting the chutney etc back where it lives in the fridge door. Empty milk containers in the fridge ... just it's annoying but it's normal

it annoys me so much, I don’t know what to do. I’m at a loss. I’m a very busy woman, I can’t have this incompetence following me around in life. He is usually very bright so I don’t know why he is acting like he is so dumb and stupid.

Bloody hell. It sounds like you despise him. He's not your Ex. He's your 11 year old son!

I get that it's frustrating when a DC exhibits traits that you associate negatively but you need to reframe this else you are just going to end up at each others throats all the time.

See if my DS at 11 had done that I'd have shouted him down to come and tidy up, made a joke about him being blind to not see the other milk bottle, he'd have rolled his eyes tidied up and I'd have thanked him and off we'd go. Of course I'd have to do it again at lunch and the next day and the next day......

I get that it’s frustrating but he’s only 11 not incompetent. It’s nothing to do with his father and you do need to reflect on the language you are using in this post. One thing to try is just to state it as fact without judgement- ‘the wet towel is on the floor’ rather than ‘hang this towel up’ allows them to think what they need to do about it rather than thinking ‘why are they nagging me again’. They do get there but it takes a long time and a lot of patience. Choose your battles also.

Do you like your child op?

I think that you do need to try and seperate your issues with your ex from this.
But I think it's not ok to tolerate him making a mess and not clearing up, putting the empty container back in the fridge is just laziness..
If he can make soup he can wipe down a counter and put rubbish in the bin.
How you do it though could be more constructive. Personally I wouldn't make it about the rules (he knows them, he's just not following them) but I would call him back every time and say you haven't finished the job, you need to put things away, but then I would help (as long as there's no attitude) and then thank him/compliment him on the soup etc..
Pre-teens/teens often don't see the mess and it's not really loaded with being disrespectful, but they have moved on to the next thing and have not yet developed the habit of checking back and don't think about how their actions (or lack of) impact others.
It's also not behaviours that slot into place quickly or easily for some so you do have to reinforce and encourage it - without causing resentment on either side.
I think we do our kids no favours by letting them be lazy and incompetent though. But it may take until adulthood!

You sound very critical

I seriously hope this isn't real. You sound horrible. 'Dumb" and 'stupid'? Why would you use those terms to describe your son? He is a teenager. Carry on as you are and you will lose him. Poor boy.