11 yrs turning completely incompetent. Help please

[Geminiii24]

Me and his dad split up a year ago because his dad was completely incompetent (amongst other things) and now my 11 years old is exhibiting the same behaviour. And every time I tell him the correct way to do things, he sighs and gets really emotional and say that all I do is shout at him. I can never get my point across as he takes it the wrong way.
examples from yesterday;
at breakfast he had milk and cereal. I walk into the kitchen after he is finished and he’s left everything out of the table, including his spoon and bowl. As I’m putting the milk back in the fridge, I realised that there was another container of milk already there. Turns out it was empty. Instead of him taking it out and putting it in the recycling, he left it in there. He also knows that everything goes back in it’s place and that his bowl goes in the dishwasher, yet this is something I have to tell him E.v.E.r.y. Single day!
in the evening he wanted to make a vegetable soup. First rule I put down was that : if you use the kitchen, you always clean it. He knows this! Yet! The stove was dirty, the counter was dirty, the table was dirty, the utensils and pots and pans he used where all left out. And I had to call him back multiple times to come clean it all.

it just ticks me off so badly and I start telling him about it in a nice calm way, but as he sighs and rolls him eyes, I start getting annoyed, he gets upset and we start shouting back and forth. Because he already knows this, yet he doesn’t do it and it reminds me so much of his dad, that makes it so much worse.

we moved into our new house a few months ago and he knows nothing about anything. He doesn’t know where the salt goes, or where the bread goes. Or where I keep the bin bags, nothing. He is just in the house floating around, completely unaware of things. And again, it annoys me so much, I don’t know what to do. I’m at a loss. I’m a very busy woman, I can’t have this incompetence following me around in life. He is usually very bright so I don’t know why he is acting like he is so dumb and stupid. Honestly.
if Im in the wrong, please tell me how to handle this. I don’t want my son to be this kind of person

Yeah he could be more helpful

BUT

you seem to be attributing all his dads faults to him, you say yourself you got rid of the ex with all his incompetence, and now you still have this “incompetence following you around “

that is so sad for your boy

you don’t seem to like him

I think it is at least partly cultural. /Also not British/

Sounds like you've already decided he's like his father rather than realising that nearly all kids that age are the same. I woke up this morning to find the kitchen was a bombsite. DD needed to take some ingredients to school and left floor and sugar all over the work surfaces, nothing put away etc. A complete mess. I'll mention it when she gets home but I certainly would never see her as "dumb" and "stupid". Your son is already upset by you shouting at him. I'm worried your negative attitude towards him is really damaging him. Try telling him all the positives things about him "Great that you want to make soup. Oh it's delicious. Well done!" etc.

Are you a ‘busy woman’ being a fake German Heiress?
Is your name Anna?

All of the things you are stressing about is what I used to call the ‘boring but necessary’ stuff.
We used to tackle it with a range of measures e.g. doing things together, doing different jobs at the same time (you do the kitchen while I hoover and clean the toilets), doing it to a timer (e.g. let’s clean upstairs together in 10 mins, and really fly round), give ourselves a reward at the end (generally food-related). There was sometimes a bit of shouting about it but generally things got done collaboratively.

Now, DD has her own flat and is generally clean and tidy.

I think it’s completely normal and it goes on well into the teenage years. Who wants to clean up the kitchen? All he wanted to do was make some soup.

It’s nothing to do with intelligence so he’s not ‘dumb.’

I agree with pp that you could remind him and do it together and it will be done much more quickly!

My teenage dc wanted to make a smoothie last night and my heart sank because of the mess. I had to remind her beforehand how to tidy it all up/where to put everything and tbh it wasn’t too bad but sometimes I do have to call her back downstairs to tidy up.

Op did you not sit with him while he ate or are you too busy? Surely eating should be a lovely bonding activity, you could watch him eat, help him put things away as he’s going, talk.

it sounds like you coexist in a house cooking / eating separately and for a boy whose parents have split up I think you need to be building a connection. Did you do anything fun together at the weekend? I feel sorry for the little man.

It’s not wrong to help an 11year old get more skills on household tasks or to remind them when they forget. But just be very very careful that you aren’t emotionally reacting to him as if he is your ex. He isn’t an adult, he’s 11. He needs encouragement and reminders. That’s 1000% normal.

I am 40-years-old, run my own successful business, am pregnant with my first child and think of myself as a fairly competent person.
I live on my own, but my behaviour at times is a lot like your son's. My kitchen can be a tip, and I often can't be bothered to put stuff in the recycling or take it out.
I understand when you live with other people you have to be more considerate, but your son is 11. I would definitely give him a break.

Sounds like you're moaning about a husband! I think you're projecting issues you had with your partner onto your son and forgetting he's only 11!

he sighs and gets really emotional and say that all I do is shout at him

That’s really sad OP. Your poor son is probably emotional about lots of things - his parents splitting up, new house, not seeing his dad as much, possibly new school. Do you actually shout at him? That’s really awful.

You need to lighten up and try to be cheery about these things, and do them together. A meal is finished, what do we do now? You’ve done a great job, making your soup, now let’s finish the job and clean up. Hmm there seems to be an empty bottle in the fridge, now where should that really go?

Please don’t refer to your poor boy as dumb and stupid. He’s not, he’s a typical 11 year old who’s going through a tough time. He needs love and stability from you, not endless nagging.

"Dumb and stupid" "knows nothing about anything". This is such a nasty way to talk about an 11 year old. YOU are the adult.

My take would be that his father was , like many teens and pre teens, the same level of “incompetence “. Almost all teens are like this and it’s a continual situation of you reminding them to do exactly the same shit every week , and it won’t sink in

however, I suggest his father had parents who didn’t keep on with the consistent message of “clear up your own shit and help with other chores” and would step in and do it for him. Mothers often do this with their precious princes instead of the more difficult parenting to raise sons that don’t believe in the magic housekeeping fairy

so, it is inevitable, that like most teens he will not give priority you want to housekeeping. You can try lists, rewards etc but inevitably they’ll be some stuff that sticks and other stuff you’ll keep having to nag about. But you keep right on with that pulling up and making him do it. Don’t let up. You will have to prompt, inisit and even punish over and over again, but you are raising an adult who will, eventually, when living on their own or with a partner, understand those magic fairies don’t exist and are not incompetent.

you’re on a work in progress. It’s hard work. Some teens are better than others. Keep doing it, but change your attitude form attributing the sins of father on the child, to this is typical kid - he does some great things independently but other things are my work in progress. You are the parent and unfortunately that work in progress, painful and annoying as it is, goes with the turf. If you persisit in consistant parenting and supportive parenting your son will eventually “get it” and become a full responsisible adult - but that work in progress can sometimes take 25 plus years to bloom

Your son is not a replacement partner, even if there are now only two of you at home.

He is not his father.

You are projecting all your feelings towards your former partner onto a child who is currently emotionally vulnerable. He does not deserve this.

You need some therapy to tackle your feelings towards your ex, so that you can avoid putting them onto your son.

Then you can go back to treating him like your child, which does indeed involve teaching him how to become an adult, over time. But not now.

I've learned from MN that there's no level of behaviour - however bad and whatever the child's age - that isn't described on here as "normal"

The child's behaviour isn't all that bad though. He made soup!

Poor child.

Divorce, house move (two of the most stressful life events in one go), and now his mum is taking out her frustration about his dad on him.

Wow he's just 11 years old still a kid.
You're expecting him to behave like an adult.
It's a bit sad really.

YABVU.

I feel so sorry for your son, there seems to be no joy in life for him just you constantly moaning and complaining, he sounds very unhappy.
As others have said how much nicer it would have been if you sat down together, congratulated him on his delicious soup (even if it wasn’t) and then said ‘let’s tackle the the washing up’ together.
It’s really awful to call him dumb and stupid, I would take a long hard look at your parenting skills, they seem to be sadly lacking.

I live with 3 teenagers and it is very frustrating becoming the nag. However it is good to take a step back and think to me this is important and they aren't very good at it. What is important to them? For my 13 year old it's that I will talk about her interests (Marvel and Stranger things) , 16 year old (football and chess), 17 year old rap music. I know virtually fuck all about any of these things but they are important to them so I try and find stuff out and connect with them. It's obviously not quite on par as me not engaging with their interests doesn't impact the same way as them being messy. However if I just constantly get at them they withdraw. If I engage about their interests sometimes as well as telling them to tidy up it means our relationship is better and they respond better.
You are projecting as you know and this also is very unhealthy. Be warned a friend of mines 2 children decided to live with their Dad as he was more easy going and fun. As older teens there is little you can do to stop them.

It's made me really sad how you describe your boy, that poor child. You are vile. I have an 11 year old and those words, no matter how trying he was being in any situation, would never cross my mind let alone come out of my mouth. Truly awful. I hope you have the opportunity to reflect on your words and actions and realise how awful you really are being to him.

I am slowly starting to realize that more and more things we think are normal are cultural!

I also think it’s harder to be ‘on it’ with kids in households with two full time ( or one in a one person HH) as the adult is just exhausted and doesn’t have time. The parent I know who is really on it in terms of her kids behaviour and expectations is a SAHM. She just has the time to think and plan and remind and do things alongside them and teach them and never back down but patiently wait and insist and stay with them and all that. As well as lots of nice playing and relaxing together which willl help with kids’ behaviour ( looks wistfully as friend’s life).

Idk how much you’re on here but that’s not my experience at all.

He’s only 11!