11 yrs turning completely incompetent. Help please

[Geminiii24]

Me and his dad split up a year ago because his dad was completely incompetent (amongst other things) and now my 11 years old is exhibiting the same behaviour. And every time I tell him the correct way to do things, he sighs and gets really emotional and say that all I do is shout at him. I can never get my point across as he takes it the wrong way.
examples from yesterday;
at breakfast he had milk and cereal. I walk into the kitchen after he is finished and he’s left everything out of the table, including his spoon and bowl. As I’m putting the milk back in the fridge, I realised that there was another container of milk already there. Turns out it was empty. Instead of him taking it out and putting it in the recycling, he left it in there. He also knows that everything goes back in it’s place and that his bowl goes in the dishwasher, yet this is something I have to tell him E.v.E.r.y. Single day!
in the evening he wanted to make a vegetable soup. First rule I put down was that : if you use the kitchen, you always clean it. He knows this! Yet! The stove was dirty, the counter was dirty, the table was dirty, the utensils and pots and pans he used where all left out. And I had to call him back multiple times to come clean it all.

it just ticks me off so badly and I start telling him about it in a nice calm way, but as he sighs and rolls him eyes, I start getting annoyed, he gets upset and we start shouting back and forth. Because he already knows this, yet he doesn’t do it and it reminds me so much of his dad, that makes it so much worse.

we moved into our new house a few months ago and he knows nothing about anything. He doesn’t know where the salt goes, or where the bread goes. Or where I keep the bin bags, nothing. He is just in the house floating around, completely unaware of things. And again, it annoys me so much, I don’t know what to do. I’m at a loss. I’m a very busy woman, I can’t have this incompetence following me around in life. He is usually very bright so I don’t know why he is acting like he is so dumb and stupid. Honestly.
if Im in the wrong, please tell me how to handle this. I don’t want my son to be this kind of person

I have a child of a similar age, I have the same frustrations but I pick my battles - I wouldn't expect him to do the things you want your son to do without reminding him. Hes never going to be able to do it your standards so do it together! Today, like every other day I have had to remind my son to take his breakfast bowl out slightly annoying as I say the same thing every single day but its not worth making him feel like shit! If he's still doing it 15/16 I may have a different response!

Look op hasn't said she uses these words to his face. Unless she comes back amd says otherwise perhaps we can just assume she's venting here which is surely what alot of us do when our kids are being dickheads? Kids can be absolute lazy annoying arseholes. We love them, we take care of them and would jump in front of a bus for them. But kids can be absolute dicks let's be honest. If we can't vent here then where can we..sometimes we just need to say it so we can go back.to staying calm and keep going.

Your not the problem not him. Poor kid.

He's your 11 year old son, not a partner. I think expecting too much from what you've said.

So there’s some sort of developmental leap after age 10 that renders English children unable to tidy up after themselves? My own child is 4 but, like I said, my nieces and nephews are 8-10 and have managed to avoid this leap so far and so did I and my siblings growing up.

Haven’t you heard? Unlike children in other parts of the world, British children get a hormone surge at puberty, which explains why they are so poorly behaved in comparison from puberty onwards.

An 11 year old being self-centred, thoughtless and slapdash isn’t unusual but after being corrected once or twice (it’s called parenting!) he should be getting better. He should also accept when his poor behaviour is highlighted with much better grace. I don’t expect him to be pleased about it, but trust me, many children around the world and probably even in the U.K. manage to take correction from their parents without getting shirty. Shouting at your parents is quite unusual and a sign of things having really gone wrong in many parts of the world.

If more of you could experience children across the world in their natural habitat, maybe you will start to understand how far standards of behaviour for children have fallen in the U.K.

Sorry don't agree. Terms such as Dumb and Stupid do not describe laziness attributed to being a teenager.

He's 11. His parents have split up. And he has moved house.

And you're cross because he doesn't know 'where the salt goes'?

Give the kid a break. Have some fun Saturday afternoons cooking together. Chill out a bit. Have fun! Order a pizza and watch a move.

It sounds like you might be expecting a bit too much. He's still a child.

He's 11!!
Your expectations are unreasonable.

11-year-olds are too young to understand milk goes in the fridge and mess goes in the bin? 🙄

Keep on at him, OP. These lazy boys grow in to lazy men who then marry women to do all the work for them.

It sounds like you're treating him as a housemate rather than a child.

What are you doing to nurture him? What are you doing to boost his self esteem and support him? What kind words do you say to him day to day. What activities do you like doing together? What do you both enjoy doing for fun? What makes him laugh? Etc etc.

Given all the changes- house/divorce/school What are you doing to reconnect with him?

She certainly does poor lad. I bet he never feels relaxed in his own home.

I don't think you should call any child incompetent. Much of what you complain about many people exhibit some of those traits. My DH leaves the kitchen looking like a bomb site after using it too sometimes. I on the other hand like things just so but it takes a few minutes to clear and he has other good skills which I would be hopeless at. I would let some of the things you mention go as who wants to constantly be nagging a boy especially after a recent divorce. Maybe include him in the cooking sometimes so he learns without being nagged at.

I have two 11 year old boys so be thankful you have only one go congruent with 😝
On a serious note- my two are lovely kids really but do most of what you describe. Need telling over and over. Don’t tidy anything away etc. It’s totally normal at this age.
However if either of them had said they wanted to make a vegetable soup let alone done it I would be extremely impressed.
Just keep reminding him and giving rewards for tidying and finding things and consequences is he doesn’t.
Good luck with the teen years BTW- it’s everything you have described x10 🤣

• To deal with - not congruent!

I think you need to separate the fairly normal 11 year old behaviour from the way he is triggering memories of his father, which is probably making you over react.

That. It's annoying. I can remember how frustrated I got with my DDs.over this stuff. But you're reading so much more into it than it deserves, and if you're going to project your dislike of your ex onto your child, it's going to ruin your relationship. You have to stop doing that.

Yes, you're very busy. But your child is not ready to take on the adult role that you seem to expect from him now that you're a single parent.

I did this - projected my feelings of anger and frustration about my ex onto my similarly wired up child. It did nothing whatsoever to change his behaviour and did everything to spoil our relationship.

As others have said: pick your battles. Chill. He's a child. Be a loving parent.

His behaviour is annoying - yes. But your behaviour is damaging. Start being kind. Engage him. Have some conversations sbout what he's interested in and not just about the mess he makes and how useless he is.

You’re on a slippery slope here. This is totally normal 11 year old behaviour, but the way you’re reacting is going to alienate him and push him away. Don’t judge the child by his father. Saying he is incompetent is so damaging, I hope you haven’t said that to his face.

You need to take look at your reactions here as they seem totally out of whack with his actions. If you think leaving a cereal bowl and milk out are bad, you’re going to really struggle with teen years!

I'm jumping in to say please don't irretrievably ruin your relationship with your son.

No, it's not unreasonable to expect them to do some of these things at this age but it sounds like he has been through alot recently so give him some slack.

Also, I find these things are a slippery slope and you need to change tact.

I think you need to work on repairing this relationship and cut him some slack until you are less at risk of ruining his life.

You don't sound like you like him very much and I expect he feels that.

Work on liking him and making him feel loved. You can then gently add some encouragement.

Why is he making soup on his own? Do you not eat together?

I feel sad for your poor boy.

For context, I'm not that different from you as I have made mistakes with my own DD and am working hard to repair.

I dont think its unreasonable to want him to put an empty carton in the bin.

But i do think its clear that nagging isnt working and you are reacting quite strongly to an eye roll and fighting isnt good.

You could try really focusing on some things you find positive about him. Which helps you reframe how you feel about him. And voice them. Like i like how you are funny, do homework, can solve a rubiks cube.

Then you can work on things about communicating expectations and sort out how to support him doing them.

One book is 'how to talk so teens will listen' helps with avoiding the nagging.

Ah yes I like that series of books "how to talk..."

I think focusing on what you do like about him and finding ways to connect and to do things together will help see him as your child rather than an irritation.

It is frustrating when children seem to forget everything they've previously known how to do but its quite common at this age, puberty and all, but doesn't mean they aren't capable, they just need reminding or re-teaching. But its important to bear in mind he's had a lot of changes lately, family splitting up, new home etc. so please be patient with him. Try and remind him with humour rather than just having a go at him for forgetting (like the examples from PPs joking about needing to go to specsavers because he didn't see the milk bottle) and chat about why you have these expectations (that everyone needs to pull their weight in the home in order for life to run smoothly, and you want him to learn to take care of himself and his home so when he is older and moving out he will be prepared)

You are not coming across well OP and I am concerned for your DS's emotional wellbeing if you continue with this attitude. You need a huge reality check on 11 year olds and your expectations.

I think you are being a bit hard on him! He does things round the house - like making soup! - but he knows that whatever he does he is going to get grumbled at. Maybe cut him a bit of slack - by all means pick him up on things, but not in a shouty way. e.g. "Hey - what's this - an empty milk carton back in the fridge - might be better in the recycling!" - with a

I expect 12/10 year old to clear stuff away. They don’t alway do it but they know the expectation and will be told to fix it. Any whining/ rolling of eyes and I ask questions. Have you been asked to tidy this away after yourself? Are you capable of putting this away yourself? Why are we having this conversation? Are you enjoying this conversation? What do you need to do to prevent this conversation in the future? Good glad we had this conversation. By making them solve the problem I don’t need to shout and it keeps them on track for a bit.

Pretty normal for his age. My ds is 12 and similar. Just keep explaining what is needed - eg laundry in basket, put dish in dishwasher.