I am beyond struggling

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

dc is 12 and a fucking pain in the arse

he takes the piss, winds me up, blames me for their bad behaviour, says he can't wait to move out, encourages his younger brother to be naughty, does not do as he is told, told me to shut up, said he wouldn't do his homework etc etc etc

I have had lots of advice, I felt I couldn't do if it involved outside people - and I know it is me that is not up to the job.

I have tried ignoring but I can't keep my temper all the time.

I was ill in hospital twice last week through chest pains brought on my stress

I can barely look at him

I want out and I have had enough

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

I think you have got me all wrong, ommmward.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

I think he has probably had enough of me bring like this, RM.

I woke this morning and cried about something unrelated and it upset me so much as I can't change it or talk about it with anyone.

I am just fed up with my life, with me and with being so bloody scared of life all the time.

I would happily hide away for ever. As I have no friends, neither do my kids. No one to invite round and it is all so shit at times. I have totally failed the kids and should never have had them. I was never going to be up to it.

DH has gone to bed so best go too.

Thanks, RM. I really appreciate your input tonight.

[RandomMess]

Toffee I identify with everything in your last post. Please seek professional help just because things are very bad now doesn't mean they can't change.

It will mean feeling the fear and doing it anyway.

Hugs x

[Badvoc]

I'm so sorry you feel like this and that your dh is a twat is not more supportive.
I have found this half term really rough too - lots of reasons, not many of which I had control over.
Your ds is at that awful age IMHO...I bet even he doesn't know why he is so vile tbh. At this age their brains are basically exploding, hormones all over the place and bodies changing.
It's not an excuse for his behaviour, but it's a reason and has nothing to do with you or what you do/don't do.
A day out won't help him but it might help you.
I think you should take your dh up on his comment - he would love to be at home with them? Ok. Book yourself into a premier inn or something for the weekend (or even better long weekend) and let him get on with it.
Oh, and I swear on front of my kids. I don't do it on purpose but - occasionally - the odd expletive pops out :)

[RandomMess]

I actually found life better when I returned to work, dh reduced his hours to do the school runs. I also have left it to him to do the meal planning, shopping and cooking (do help out occasionally) I have even let him loose on the washing.

I'm good at my job and get to achieve something, I don't always enjoy having to put up with my colleagues though!

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

I am starting to believe my kids are normal, which is great, as then it isn't me completely fucking up, but how do I learn to not let things get to me so much to the point that I am shouting and swearing?

I am up now as I can't sleep, or breathe properly, due to anxiety and I just feel like crying. I am dreading the day ahead. Dreading the kids going back to school (DS2 having problems) and I am starting volunteering at school this week and what if I am crap?

No way is DH a twat. He has supported me through some incredibly difficult things but I think having had a wife who has had diagnosed depression since 2001 and has difficulties on and off for all that time he is at a loss as to what to do.

I talked to him a bit how I felt last night but he didn't say anything. I don't think he knows what to say. I said I needed a break and I know I could go out today and leave them all to it but I think I am a control freak as I like to do the dinner (food issues) and there just always seems so much to do to get the kids ready to go back to school. We are a bit broke atm with DH's new job but I have birthday money I could spend. Just feel teary as we probably need that for kids stuff. I was even fed up yesterday food shopping when DH was putting little bits in he fancied and I didn't put anything but a caramac bar in. I am not martyring myself there, I just know I haven't much money to last me the month, DD has a physio appointment to pay for and o might have to fork out £100 since DS1 has lost another games kit. Bill was £115 and I hadn't meal planned. DS1 moaned when he had jacket potatoes and fish twice in one week ffs. Well this week it will definitely be potatoes twice! I am on the same money I have been on for years and we all know food prices have gone up so the huge variety they have been enjoying will have to be cut down to cheaper things like the jacket spuds and more rice.

I had planned to stay in bed as long as I could today but waking up for the loo then anxiety setting in as put paid to that.

DD was so upset with me last night she didn't even come and say good night and have a cuddle. Didn't realise until after 10 when I went to bed . I know I hurt her arm when I picked her up (I had forgotten how sensitive she is) and she cried and said she hated the boys .

[LastingLight]

Toffee I don't know if you want to hear this, but I only stopped overreacting, screaming and hating myself for it once my psychiatrist found the right combination of meds for me. Therapy also helped. Please get help for yourself, this is not going to go away by itself.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

I have asked for help previously and got no where. I just don't know what to do next. When I tell them what has gone on in my life I can see they don't know what to say. If I say I do X because of Y they say I am annoying them - their job to analyse. I am sat here knackered, wanting to get out of the house but of course nowhere to go as it is Sunday and nothing is open and just hating that my kids say I am a good mum when I know I am not. Tablets haven't helped, they just make me feel like I am in a fog, give me nightmares and I put stones on. I feel beyond help as I have tried for so long and I just want to slap myself for being so pathetic.

I want to shower, dress and go out but no chance of that without waking someone up.

[Zara8]

OP

You need to keep asking for help until you get the therapist/combination of meds that help you. Change GP, ask for a new referral?

Your current situation is unsustainable, but it's not irreversible.

And I say that as someone who was once in your children's shoes. You cannot look after your children if you don't look after yourself. Just because you didn't find a good therapist before - is that a reason not to try? Same goes for your previous medication.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

I have lost any hope of ever feeling normal and just long for the days when my children don't need me so I can't fuck up any more.

I can hear them waking and I am scared of what the day will bring.

I feel I don't know how to be a mum and may obsession with feeding them and cooking all the time is all I know how to show I love them as I know I wasn't loved by my carers and wasn't fed properly.

I feel I need to fake it to make it but I am so exhausted with everything I just can't.

I see no way out really.

I hate all this self pity crap. It isn't who I am. I used to be so strong, funny, had friends. Now I am pathetic, boring, moany, angry, friendless and lonely.

I am going for a shower and then out. Thanks all. So appreciated.

[Zara8]

Toffee please see your GP ASAP. Print out this thread and show him/her if it is easier than saying the issues out loud.

It is not all lost. Things can be better if you take steps to seriously help yourself.

Good luck today x

[ivykaty44]

Have you ever thought about having a camera ready to snap his face when you ask him to do something? And then actually making it all a bit of gentle fun with some teasing about how funny his face is?

It may lighten the mood for you and hopefully he will also possibly see the funny side.

Then each time you ask him to do something say have funny will the face be today!

[RandomMess]

Toffee I really have been where you are and I know just how beyond awful it is and how much you despise yourself.

I tried so many different drugs until something helped -I think it was actually the last ones the GP could try as we'd been through everything else. Yes the fog can take a while to get through so you get the benefits without the side affects.

Of course your dh doesn't know what to say, tell him what you want when you tell him how you feel is a proper cuddle/snuggle and to know that he still loves you regardless. Somehow it helps just telling someone else about your inner turmoil IMHO.

Lastly go to GP, tell him how you wish you didn't exist anymore, tell him your dc are missing out on decent parenting and you can see what an impact this is having on them. You need a referral.

With regards to the food thing perhaps you could decide to fully reliquish control to your dh. Make a conscious decision that for a forthnight he plans all the meals etc. and cooks them where possible so you can at some level accept that it doesn't need to be you controlling them.

My heart really goes out to you. I don't think my depression will ever go away fully but I'm currently at the point where the good days versus the bad days are at least equal. I hate being on ADs and I hope to reduce the dosage in 6 months time but for now I need their help whilst I make other changes in my life and am currently in therapy (AGAIN).

[Finickynotfussy]

You sound really down - I'm sorry. I haven't been in your exact situation but I did have years of feeling terrible when I was experiencing infertility. DH had no idea what to do/say. When I finally found a counsellor I clicked with, it really helped - but I saw some less than effective/useless ones along the way. I also feel much better when I work. I hope the volunteering will help you (it's good to feel useful) but you need to get rid of the script you have in your head about being useless etc - as you're clearly not.

Just the living out in the middle of nowhere won't be helping with the friends situation (or counselling or hobbies) - could you make a long term plan to move back to a town?

I think you said the money issues were because you've had to send DS1 private? Maybe your DH should have a man to man talk with DS1 about how his education is v. important, but breaking down what £30k or so a year actually means in terms of what there is to spend on days out etc. But only if he can do it sensitively so DS1 don't end up feeling guilty. But it is a lot of money and he may not appreciate that.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

I'm sat in a car park thinking ds2 is probably wondering why I've gone out and DH will ring me once he realises I'm not home

I'm scared to go back on pills as I have bad reactions and how will they fix my issues

I just want some peace

I think it's a good idea to print the thread but then the GP will see your personal stuff

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

I'm so cold in the car. Raining and windy. I doubt DH hack noticed I'm gone. Probably asleep. I feel like a toddler having an attention seeking tantrum but I just wanted some space.

[RandomMess]

Can you think of a drive through McDonalds or similar as they open early and some hot food/drink will help.

[RandomMess]

You can print out this thread, we are all anonymous on here really.

I did once write to my GP about how I was feeling and left it at the surgery. It did make it much easier to then talk to her and get proper help. I'd forgotten about that!

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

I want to go home but I bet it is quiet and peaceful without me.

[Badvoc]

Do print out this thread and show it to someone.
You are ill, and need help.
Wrt your Dh...in sickness and on health, remember? My Dha had I have been through some really rough times but he would never say "leave then" to me.
Depression is such an insidious illness.
Please get some help.
What about going home, having a hot bath, staying in bed and reading and letting your Dh get in with it today...including cooking?
Can you do that?

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

Just texted DH. He's texting back.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

I'd love a day in bed reading but I'd feel I was isolating myself and making things worse