I am beyond struggling

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

dc is 12 and a fucking pain in the arse

he takes the piss, winds me up, blames me for their bad behaviour, says he can't wait to move out, encourages his younger brother to be naughty, does not do as he is told, told me to shut up, said he wouldn't do his homework etc etc etc

I have had lots of advice, I felt I couldn't do if it involved outside people - and I know it is me that is not up to the job.

I have tried ignoring but I can't keep my temper all the time.

I was ill in hospital twice last week through chest pains brought on my stress

I can barely look at him

I want out and I have had enough

[soontobeslendergirl]

I think the fairness is a big thing for them.

I also think that going back on a punishment is not always a sign of weakness if you do it for the right reason and explain that. i.e. I've thought about it and decided that taking away your lap top for 2 weeks wasn't fair so I've decided to give it back early but I expect a certain standard of behaviour from you etc.

I also think that taking too much away leaves them without hope therefore doesn't help. i.e. losing your laptop for a day is apunishment - if you already have lost it for 2 weeks, that feels like an eternity so the incentive to behave to get it back is lost - 2 weeks seems like forever at that age.

Does he socialise on-line? If so, taking away his method of communicating with friends is a double punishment i.e. he is effectively "grounded" too.

[soontobeslendergirl]

and re the face pulling - ignore! as long as he does it, doing it with good grace is another step :)

They are not as good at hiding their reactions as an adult. If I was on my laptop and you asked me to go and post a letter for you, I wouldn't necessarily be skipping out the door with glee, but as an adult I can hide my annoyance and do it with seemingly good humour!

[Newyearchanger]

As you grow up, it's quite annoying to be told what to do on a daily basis so maybe realistic expectations about minimum standards of help etc should be set.
I hate being told what to do... Being asked for a reason or favour is different, if explained why I will try to help.
Most teenagers I know are the same.

[chicaguapa]

I also recommend Divas and Doorslammers. It's made a big difference to how I get on with DD(12).

(disclaimer: haven't RTFT)

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

Tough shit if the kids don't like being told what to do. They do pretty much fuck all to help so yes, they do need telling when something needs doing as they rarely volunteer to help. If your daughter marries my son you would be pretty pissed off if he was incapable or unwilling to pull his weight around the house. It might be my job to be at home but it isn't my job to do everything that needs doing.

Boys just been fighting so I sent them upstairs for a bit to their rooms where they are now trying to play together

[LastingLight]

Toffee it sounds as if you are in a better place than when you started this thread. I so agree with you about being firm, fair and confident. Sometimes you have to fake it, but it does work.

I wish my dd would pull faces instead of muttering to herself just loudly enough so that you can hear about how unfair her life is. I know I should ignore that but she goes on and on until I just explode.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

I am the same. It is hard to keep your temper some times.

ATM DS1 is winding up DS2 who is meant to be eating his tea. DS1 has finished his so has gone to do some tidying up. I doubt much will be done. I ignored the winding up.

For me, when the kids have been PITN for so long it takes less time for me to get to shouty mode. I just feel so rubbish that this half term hasn't been great but then we had 3 not bad days and 2 rubbish ones.

Can't wait for DH to get home.

Have really missed DD as haven't seen her since yesterday afternoon and won't see her until tomorrow afternoon but it has been easier with just two .

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

I am counting to about 5 in my head as it was starting to go a bit wrong with the boys but I pulled it back a bit. DS2 is on the step now and DH is bringing home lemonade and milk bottle sweets for me.

[Newyearchanger]

Sorry, not suggesting they don't need to help but being firm fair and confident sounds about right.

[NoraRobertsismyguiltypleasure]

Can I suggest the book 'how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk'?
It has really good ideas about how to stop shouting and repeating yourself, and why punishment isn't always the right consequence.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

I have the book and have tried to read it so many times but I just can't get it. I find it really hard to read and not at all realistic. Is it written by Americans as I find it not realistic to English life or phrases? Maybe it is just me .

[RandomMess]

Which book, the how to talk or sibling without rivalry?

I found both incredibly easy to read, understood, grasp the concept and it helped me change my parenting...

You need to read the "how to talk" one first IMHO.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

How to talk

I know what it is saying to do, I just don't like how it is written.

[RandomMess]

So have you tried what is says, even though you don't like how it is written?

It's certainly not an overnight process to change tack completely on how you parent. Interestingly they've written one for teens - I wonder if it may be helpful for dealing with your eldest?

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

I found it hard to retain all the info tbh. I find it really hard to be consistent and trust that what I have said or done is right when the kids are arguing with me. I then doubt myself as to whether I have been fair.

I have the Toddler Taming teenager book but haven't looked at that for ages.

I just feel like I am so stressed, unhappy, lacking in patience and angry all the time. I would not like me if I wasn't me. We were at PIL today and all I did was tell the kids off and upset my DD. She is horrible to DS2 but even so I should have been able to keep my temper. I just can't ignore what I should.

[RandomMess]

Hmm, I wonder if you would benefit from some therapy for you. It just seems as though perhaps there is something else going in the background/subconscious that is making it so difficult for you - something is making you doubt yourself etc.?

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

I have tried counselling with 5 different people. One was a man I only saw once as he gave me the creeps. The other four just weren't equipped to help me. I am in a place I am not happy and I just can't see a way out. I feel I need to retreat into myself really and just not have an interaction with anyone.

[RandomMess]

were any of these people psycotherapists or were they all just counsellors - I have found them very different? I personally wouldn't bother seeing anyone not a fully qualified and experienced psycotherapist and again you do need to click with them.

A wise friend told me to ring around a few and chat to them about the problem and what you needed to get out of it to see if you felt they were someone you could work with.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

One was a counsellor, one was a psychotherapist I think but the others I am not sure about. I have remembered another lady I saw made me tell her stuff I wasn't happy about telling - saying she couldn't help me if I didn't tell her - but it wasn't relevant to why I needed help and she never said a word about it and I refused to see her again. Cost a bomb as well.

I just really don't like who I am at the moment and just wish my life away.

[RandomMess]

Are you on anti-depressants at all?

Do you get to spend any time doing anything you enjoy/believe you are good at? Do you get to spend any time with people that make you feel good about yourself?

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

I have been off ADs for about 18 months and have only really been feeling shit about myself for a short while. I was in hospital twice recently with what turned out to be stress and on diazepam for a week, finishing yesterday.

My whole life is kids and housework. I would say I love to bake but then that is for the kids and the only thing I really do for me is read in the car for 30 minutes a day while I wait for the kids to come out of school. And come on here, too much probably.

I have one friend I see occasionally and she is nice but I don't feel good about myself when with her .

I need a good slap really as I am annoying myself. I made my dd cry today and my excuse is I had had enough of her being mean to her brother. I hadn't seen her for 2 days, had really missed her, had sent her to PIL so she could have a break from her brothers and then she was mean every time she spoke to them.

[RandomMess]

Are you on your own - no spouse/partner?

I have really really struggled with myself for decades so I do understand/empathise with where you are.

I would suggest back to the GP and back on the ADs. Once they get you in a better place you need some professional help. I would be insisting on a referral to psychiatrist for a full assessment of what treatment they think will help you.

You are spending your life not doing anything that makes you feel good about yourself - that certainly isn't helping.

Are your older dc now at an age when your own childhood was or became difficult? I am very aware of how totally lacking in emotional and social skills in how to "be" with my dc the ages they are now. Pre-schoolers and early years were fine as they are far more straightforward. As they get older I find it all very confusing, difficult, overwhelming and difficult.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

I have a husband who I love very much and I sometimes feel he doesn't understand what goes on in my head, which of course he can't. His life is a complete contrast to mine.

My whole childhood was difficult. I am too nervous to post what it was like here but I will admit to resenting my children at times for not realising how lucky they are. I know that is so unfair and I check myself if I find myself thinking or saying it.

I love them so much my heart swells but it isn't enough is it?

I am sorry you have had hard times, RM, and I hope my posting hasn't upset or annoyed you.

My kids are normal. I wasn't. I find that hard.

[ommmward]

Can you think about the long game? Once your son is 18 he will be leaving home, probably, and living as an independent adult. What sort of control will you have over him then?

I'd be thinking about what the best route is from here, with sulks and privileges and loss of privileges and you wanting him to behave in certain parentally-imposed ways, to there, when he is living independently and either comes to visit sometimes or doesn't really.

Trying to be top-down authoritarian is just going to end up with none of you liking each other very much. And what's the bloody point of that?

[RandomMess]

I was asking about your husband because I think you need to have a discussion with him about just how hard you are finding things at the moment.

What can be changed in your life to make you feel better about being you?

I think the hardest thing about therapy is facing your demons and how much it absolutely bloody hurts, the anger and rage you feel when you get in touch with how it makes you feel - both then when it happened and now as an adult because deep inside it is so raw.

Perhaps therapy didn't help before because you weren't ready to go though it?

Is there a possibility that in you aspiring to give your dc the "perfect" childhood you are doing different things to your parents that aren't in their best interests. I don't mean neglectful or abusive but perhaps doing too much for them, or living your life through them?

I don't know you so these are just possibilities. I hope I don't come across as judgemental I don't mean to be. My issue is that I become emotionally detached from others in order to cope and it isn't healthy for me nor my dc.