I am beyond struggling

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

dc is 12 and a fucking pain in the arse

he takes the piss, winds me up, blames me for their bad behaviour, says he can't wait to move out, encourages his younger brother to be naughty, does not do as he is told, told me to shut up, said he wouldn't do his homework etc etc etc

I have had lots of advice, I felt I couldn't do if it involved outside people - and I know it is me that is not up to the job.

I have tried ignoring but I can't keep my temper all the time.

I was ill in hospital twice last week through chest pains brought on my stress

I can barely look at him

I want out and I have had enough

[k473]

Hi, my goodness it sounds just like my house. This is my first time on mumsnet. I have reached breaking point this evening with my two. They are so rude, answer back, ignore me etc but I can't help feeling it's learnt behave from DH. I am at the end of my tether because when DH is around they are as good as gold but when he's not I just have constant battles. I lose my temper then feel like a complete failure. DH doesn't take my concerns seriously because he never sees the behavior and at times seems to actively encourage it. I do let the boys get away with too much I think because I don't think it's their fault but our relationship is deteriorating. I don't want to take them out on my own because I know they will embarrass me. Really feel like bagging my bags but I know that it is not an option. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day

[thinking101]

Yay ..... Have to say. I took mine out for tea and they were great, actually enjoyed chatting to DS.

[LastingLight]

See, it can be done.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

2 perfectly behaved children delivered to school this morning. DD will get her kindle back tonight (computer tomorrow night) and DS2 will be allowed to play on the main computer once he has done his homework.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

I am claiming progress.

[LastingLight]

Good for you!

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

I get home. Have left 2 snacks for DS1 as he didn't ask either of us for dinner money and I thought he'd be starving. In his room I see both snack pots. He has been told numerous times not to eat in his room. He was also messing about on his iPod. I said I had asked him not to eat in his room and to take the snack pots down and do the dishwasher (he refused to do it this morning.) He said "And how was your day mummy, was it good?" in an would be nice to say hello first before telling me off.

Normally I would probably back down but today I said "I am not doing all pleasantries when you aren't doing as you are told." He looked quite surprised and I haven't heard a peep out of him since.

I have had a mouthful of attitude from DS2 but he has been sorted out too .

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

DD would be fine left, it is leaving DS2 with her that would be the problem.

[LastingLight]

Sorry today didn't go so well Toffee. What will dd get up to if you leave her for 15 min? It's good that you realise getting out more will help.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

It is just the two I take to school. DD is in the back as she wants to be in the front and she is just as horrible to him wherever she sits. If he leans forward to be near me she practically combusts and screams to stop breathing on her or says he smells.

When driving they aren't too bad. If I was to threaten to stop she'd be happy as late for school. When I said daddy would have to take them as I've had enough she was happy And said under her breathe said, we Won't be going to school. He's already said he can't take them tomorrow.

It's waiting to go in in the morning and I tell them to bring books and I have plenty of puzzle books in the car , but they just snipe at each other. She wants to get out but I'm not standing in the cold for 15-20 minutes for her. I could drop and go but can't trust to behave for 15 minutes.

[longtallsally2]

So glad that you enjoyed yesterday, Toffee. I think that you are me in another life, as I only had two dss, but have many of the same issues, including the battles over teeth cleaning and feeling lost when not at work. In fact it has helped me a lot, reading and reflecting on your feelings: I managed ds1 last week with a bit more patience and positivity.

Do you take all 3 kids in the car with you in the mornings? Could you let ds2 or dd sit in the front to separate them? (I had a friend who had a pile of 13 old pillows in her car. She built a wall between the kids so that they couldn't argue!) I hate it when they argue when I'm driving as I find it so distracting. I also pull over if they are distracting me and make it quite clear that they will lose screen time, or whatever, if they are whining at each other. It's probably the place I am most in control of them, as I feel that I totally have to make expectations clear, or we would still be sitting in a layby somewhere, waiting for them to calm down.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

I have talked to her so much about how DS2 and I feel when she is the way she is. Nothing in response to me but with regards to him she says he does it to her. I am forever saying when someone is mean to you and you feel horrible, your siblings feel the same then you are mean to them. Miss the point completely.

She is forever saying why should I get told off and he not. Sometimes he isn't as he isn't as bad as her and other times because I don't think he needs it, other times I feel why should I when he is sticking up for himself. I tell her she is 10.6 and old enough to know better. She says "he is 8 and I knew better at 8." .

Being out all day would stress me out but I definitely think I need to get out more. Too much time in the house to think, brood and worry is not good for me.

I have forgotten how to make friends, have stopped trying when dropped by people when I got ill and here I am.

[thinking101]

Oh DD is flexing herself isnt she...When you feel better (well not stressed and rushed) would it be an idea to make a drink and snack for you both and sit for a chat, explain how she sounds and it makes you feel upset to think she behaves this way to her brother? - Just an idea to get her to reflect when you are not as harassed.

Well DS2 - tough! tough titties in fact.

What a contrast re yesterday, does this mean it is better for you to busy or away from the house...Its awful feeling trapped we in here and they all out there dong there things. Sounds like you benefit from being in an environemtn where it has a social element to it?

Dont you ever go out when DC's at school and just have a coffee/read? I often talk to people in coffee shops. Look at your week and plan your time.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

DD was horrible again to DS2 in the car and threw a tantrum when he retaliated and I didn't tell him off to her satisfaction . I wish there was a way around having to get to school 20-30 minutes earlier than them going in.

DS2 wasn't happy I chucked out his Moshi monster brush and paste and I said I had warned him and he would have to pay if he wanted them replaced. Said he couldn't as Father Christmas left them. I told him lucky for him I knew the shop they came from. It is closed for a refurb at the moment though.

Missing feeling useful today. Have had a couple of occasions of wanting to cry as well and just wonder what is going on. Don't feel depressed as so much as lost and lonely. And trapped.


Definitely going to look into more volunteering and a part time paid job.

[thinking101]

Tricky little bugger re teeth. I understand, my teeth arent great and my DM has had a terrible time recently with hers.

That sounds really good re vounteerng toffee a real outlet for you and a much needed boost.

Well ay two went well for school run. I think taking them out last night to acitivty really helped as they both burned a bit of energy off.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

I listened to a dozen children read. They really were so cute. And their reading was so good .

[LastingLight]

Awesome! What did you do?

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

It was great! The time went so quickly and it was easier than I thought. Turns out I am not useless after all . Only blip, I forgot to sign out as someone else had the book.

[LastingLight]

So how did it go Toffee?

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

I can imagine him saying he has no friends anyway and no one likes him so dirty teeth/smelly breath would make no difference. Both DH and I have teeth that aren't lovely and white (different reasons) and it upsets me to see my children have had similar problems (DS1 had a lot of antibiotics as a baby and no one told us they would affect his adult teeth.)

I had asked DH to do his teeth as DS2 isn't doing them right but that clearly isn't happening twice a day. DS2 either isn't doing them or just not very well. Something else I will have to do myself.

[thinking101]

Oh know I didnt refresh, so my last post is not an appropriate response to your last post, sorry about that.

I think that all sounds reasonable, as you've done what you said re toothpaste. Have you had a chat with him what might happen if somone at school notices his smelly breath - then say its your choice and back off and see what happens??? As far as you are concerned you have educated him on how to brush, provided the brush, paste and opportunity? I know its hard to see tem messing up.

Your cleaning sounds wonderful - I say this as I know the relief I feel when Ive actually done something. I dont know why it causes me anxiety, it's not as if someone is going to knock on the door and inspect. I have relaxed my standards a bit but even still I need to a kick to whip it into shape.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

Just had some salad. Feeling nervous about going in to "work." I see that I have convinced myself I am away with the fairies all the time and useless when actually pre kids I was very bright and capable and could use words of more than one syllable in the right context. The other day I called the chair the fridge and I am forever getting the wrong word for things. It seems like a confidence thing and I put myself down before anyone else can.

[LastingLight]

Sorry to hear your kids were so difficult this morning. Your consequences seem fair. My dd threw a major tantrum on Saturday, lucky for me DH handled it as they were out and I was wasting time on MN studying. This morning she was in a strop over having to put on roll-on as she doesn't like it, she would rather stink, and her friends won't mind. Sigh.

Otherwise you've been really productive, wow!

[thinking101]

Hi toffee. Hope your first school run went well, ours did so I was pleased (savouring in fact). Just been thinking about you. I know it is not much and wont turn your DC into little monopoly playing cherubs but I though I'd post my meal plan up i abit then you can see how I double up. This is much more efficient and gives me one less thing to do when Im having 'one of those' days

The volunteering is sure to give you a fresh perspective. I look forward with huilt to when I can do something. But for now I am studying with OU to keep me going. New modules starts soon.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

DD has lost her lap top for 3 days as she wouldn't stop.