I am beyond struggling

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

dc is 12 and a fucking pain in the arse

he takes the piss, winds me up, blames me for their bad behaviour, says he can't wait to move out, encourages his younger brother to be naughty, does not do as he is told, told me to shut up, said he wouldn't do his homework etc etc etc

I have had lots of advice, I felt I couldn't do if it involved outside people - and I know it is me that is not up to the job.

I have tried ignoring but I can't keep my temper all the time.

I was ill in hospital twice last week through chest pains brought on my stress

I can barely look at him

I want out and I have had enough

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

I've said I needed space as bringing everyone down. I'll stay away so he can have a better day and said I loved them all

[longtallsally2]

Toffee, just wanted to say that I understand completely how you feel.

You have done so well this week and really turned the holiday around, and you have done what you needed today to get yourself some space, and a breather from disciplining the children, and to give them a day with their dad too.

Do you do anything as a couple with your dh? I sense that he is good at stepping in when you can't cope, but it does rather sounds as if you feel isolated and on your own otherwise. When you talk to him tonight, it might be helpful to establish what he thinks about the kids behaviour too. Then in future, it should not all be on your shoulders - "I don't like this, I don't want you to do that" You should be able to say to the kids that "We don't do that here. Your dad and I do not allow you to do X" It should be about being together in this, shouldn't it?

I don't say this because I have it all sorted, but because when I feel exactly as you do, as if I have the world on my shoulders at home, then this is something that has helped me.

Hang on in there, and look after yourself. You can only give out as much as you have got to give, so do what you need to, to look after you. (And when you get to school this week, you will be brilliant helping out, and you will find that it gives you a big boost, to do something where you can help people and they are grateful, rather than moaning at you!)

Thinking of you

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

I have come home. All the kids are playing on their lap tops/computer, DH is gardening and I am cooking roast pork.

When I came in DS2 shouted "MUMMY!!!!!!!" and came running for a cuddle. So, so lovely as that rarely happens as I am always with them and when they come out of school he is more often than not so I don't get a big hello.

DH and I get very little time alone. We had a few hours a couple of weeks ago while the kids were at school and it was lovely. Out for breakfast, bit of shopping, picked up lunch and dinner from M&S and just being together. The kids go to sleep so late now it feels like we don't get an evening. I remember the days of kids in bed at 7pm, sex at 8 (not every night of course) then an evening to watch something on the telly!

PIL offer to have the children but three together are hard work and they are also pretty busy so it doesn't happen often.

DH feels l need to do something for me and not just kids and housework which is what my life is. Mostly I don't mind but every now and then I just get fed up with it, especially if the kids have been fighting and not doing as they are asked so making more work for me.

I would say that DH thinks I jump in too quick to tell the kids off, what they do is normal, and I need to ignore it. He finds it easier to do than me.

DD was not happy with me last night but just came to ask for homework help so I was relieved we are friends again.

What gets to me is having no one. My parents and uncle are alive but they aren't in my life as they gave me away and were beyond awful. Letting them back in is not an option at all and never will be, so I feel on my own. Even my children have a bigger family than me with their grandparents, uncles, second cousins. I am envious of my own children and that is awful. Happy for them though.

[Stockhausen]

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this, everything is so much harder when depression is a factor too.

I agree with starting fresh, drawing up a Rota & thinking of things to do together... off the top of my head, movie night, board game night & maybe let them make dinner one night a week?

Swearing at them isn't ideal, but you're at breaking point

You say you live brutally & have a field to run in... would a dog be an option? Chuck them out with a ball & see who tires out first! Plus, getting YOU out walking would clear your head.

I'd also consider speaking to your GP again, not so you are 'drugged to the eyeballs' but a change of dosage or even a different medication might be helpful.

Keep going toffee, I know you feel rubbish, but things can hopefully only get better from here

[Stockhausen]

Insist they go to bed at x o'clock. Switch the router off or unplug the tech in their rooms. Their lack of sleep may well be impacting their behaviour.

My brother & I were sent through to our rooms at a certain time, so my parents could have 'adult time' I.e. a conversation after working all day!

YOU are in charge, not the other way round - reclaim your evenings! At least a couple of nights a week.

[LurkingCinners]

Toffee, if you feel like a day in bed reading then do it.
I think part of your whole situation is an inability to find out what you want.

You do sound depressed. I know how it can influence the whole family and because you are not "balanced" you cannot deal with crappy behaviour from the dc. Because only a person firmly rooted can let it all wash over her.
The dc need you as a strong person showing them the way. You feel weak and helpless so they rebel. Because they are confused and maybe scared.

I have felt like you in the past, and I think you haven't even scratched on the surface of a lot of stuff that is trying to get out and be dealt with.

It doesn't sound as if you ever had proper therapy. it makes all the difference.
You wrote upthread that you used to have a great relationship with ds1. So you know how to. Don't let stupid depression ruin your life.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

I would like to do a rota but wonder when they would get time to do the jobs? We don't get home from school until 4.30. Then I do tea which is over by about half five, while it is cooking I check homework and supervise any redoing/help. DH home 6-6.30 and listens to DS2 read then he is in bed at 7 for reading and the older ones have to be quiet in their rooms so DS2 can sleep.

I have been asking them to do more this half term though and to be fair mostly they just did it with the odd moan. I think I have found it hard to ask the kids to do house work type things as I see that as my job and when I was 9 I was keeping house in a damn mansion (foster carers) which is wrong.

They put their clothes away, sweep the kitchen, empty the dishwasher and hoover sometimes.

I would love a dog but DD now keen and we can't afford it atm, plus we got 2 rescue cats last year and it might not be fair on them. One day though I would love it as I am certain it would be good for me. I couldn't hide at home every day then save for doing the school runs.

DD has struggled with getting off to sleep for about 5 years now and insists the laptop is not making a difference. When I remember at weekends they aren't meant to be on computers after 3pm but on week days they need them for homework.

I am sure if I had confidence in myself and didn't worry about what the kids' would say about their childhood when adults, I would do a lot better. I nannied instinctively. Shame I can't mother in the same way .

I know I am posting too much but it is really helping having you all to talk too and I really appreciate it, thank you .

[LastingLight]

I'm sorry you've had bad experiences with medication, I can relate. It's worth persevering though and insisting on a referral to a psychiatrist to explore other options. I've been on many different meds. Some had terrible side effects, others simply didn't work and some worked for a while and then stopped working. My doc kept coming up with new combinations we could try until eventually we hit the magic combo.

So how do the meds help? Well firstly the darkness in your head lifts. It becomes easier to see the positive side of things and you no longer feels utterly useless. You have more energy, everything isn't such a mission any more. You become less reactive, so it's easier to deal with dc's without exploding. You feel that you can relate to other people again. Some of this is enhanced a lot by having appropriate therapy.

I want to echo the poster who asked if you could move into town. It's vitally important for you and the dc's to develop a bit of a social life so that you're not living in each other's pockets all the time.

It's easy to sit on the internet giving advice, I know. It's difficult to get yourself moving to do something that will improve the situation, when you're feeling the way you do. I think you need to get your DH to read this thread. Then ask him for specific help, e.g. make the doctor's appointment for you if that is something you struggle with, cook a meal with the dc's while you relax with a book, take them out for a walk, rub your back... whatever will help a bit.

(((HUGS)))

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

Moving isn't an option until DS2 finishes school and I have accepted that. I only want to move once more and I don't want to stay in this area so I am happy to compromise. I have moved a lot in my life and still don't feel at home so I want to be sure next time is right.

Hopefully my volunteering will help a lot.

DH always does the kids teas at the weekend and is great in so many ways. He just can't be here as much as I need.

He has said he will probably have to look for another job but if I could find work to pay £500 a month we would be okay. Not going to happen when I haven't worked since 2000!

[LastingLight]

Volunteering will definitely help. I started volunteering at a children's home once the depression fog lifted a bit and it did wonders for my self esteem.

[longtallsally2]

Yy ditto with the volunteering - I have always used volunteering or working to help lift the fog.

Toffee, Stockhousen's rota wasn't for jobs, it was a rota for having fun: board game night, movie night, kids-cook-tonight night . . . it's a good way of taking some of the pressure off you as you plan something that you are all going to do together - (great idea: we used to do that too! Must resurrect the rota!)

Enjoy your pork. Glad that you have made it back and that ds2 was so pleased to see you.

[Stockhausen]

Good luck with the volunteering! I started volunteering last year & they gave me a reference that meant I got a Part time paid job! Its a great way to fill cv gaps & gain confidence.

[nobeer]

Toffee I just wanted to comment because I've seen you post on MN before and you've always struck me as a lovely person.

I'm not a mum yet, but I'm the only girl with 3 DBs. I regularly used to complain and say I hated them, but we get on brilliantly now! I think it's quite normal to have a bit of sibling discord, but I do remember my DF getting really upset when we used to fight as he was an only child and would have loved siblings. I've also had depression, and know that some anti ds don't suit me, so maybe ask for a change in meds?

Good luck with the volunteering, I think that will definitely help your CV, self esteem, and widen your social circle.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

Had lunch. Was nice. I am shattered now. Kids asked to clear up, all have gone and DH has called them back as still some mess. DD said "I am not lazy at all so I will do it." She often makes comments like that, and while she does do a bit more than the boys, I don't like them. Another case of ignore?

Our older two like hiding away in their rooms but I will think of things to get them out of there. Right now though, I am tired and having a sit down while I watch The Voice. I recorded it as DS2 wanted to watch Ant and Dec.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

Yes, nobeer, that is what upsets me. We had three children as we have half a family with me having none and then smaller still as BIL not having kids so we thought we have loads then their kids will have a decent sized family .

[thinking101]

For you Toffee

From what I've read your DC's sound normal, little buggers out for what they can get away wth! with all the words to match eh?

I am a shouty mum and sometimes swear. I find my DS(8) incredibly annoying, hard to be around. I've moaned about him on here recently. We've just been on holiday and he spoilt the start to the day, he goes off plays and I'm left sitting there festering in resentment.

I agree with others about getting DH on board.

You need to reset yourself....I think I do too. I think the cumulative affects of kids means we can easily respond to a situation 0-60 whereas as if it wasnt so often (or you've had a break) you would do so differently. Its like the kids get overdrawn in the patience bank and there is no let up to get it back in credit, if that maks sense.

The thing that stands out is the - not getting out as much/things to do. This would release a bit of pressure - It does seem this is more difficult for you to do and something that needs to be planned more in advance.

I thk you need to do something - anything for yourself, even if it every Sat for eg you go to nearest coffee shop for a mooch and DH cooks a meal. Or could it be that older DC's do a cold tea of sandwiches and nibbles. To give you a break from cooking. Also could you batch cook - double up on family staples such as spag bol, then that gives you one meal off the following week.

Mostly go back to the GP's I have wondered whether my depression has crept back up on me...especially as I am no better off for having been away and DH was there to help.

I feel really humble for moaning about struggling when I onlyhave the two and people like you have three or more. Plus I have a comfortable life I dont have any stess olny the stress of struggling to parent DS.

I hope there is some help in there for you somewhere. At least it is spring soon, this always helps re getting out and about.

[nobeer]

Sorry, but I did giggle at your DD's comment. That is exactly the kind of smug thing I would have said!

It sounds like you had a really really tough childhood. Do you think you've romanticised how family life should be and perhaps the everyday grind isn't comparing to what you'd hoped it would be?

Growing up in a large family, there was lots of bickering, mum shouting, mum being frazzled (she was a SAHM too) so maybe some of what's going on in your home is normal and you need to give yourself a break and be kinder to yourself.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

thinking101 - everything you have said is spot on. When you have had years of certain behaviour it takes a lot less time to react.

I know it is me that has to change as the kids are normal!

I wish DD (10) would stop being so mean to DS (8).

I wish DS(8) would do as he is told more and learn to accept that DS(12) doesn't always want to play and not be upset when DD is mean.

DD and DS2 have physical problems and their treatment is costing loads atm. DS2 also might need help at school and I am scared tbh about what that might mean.

I wish the kids would get on better, stop bickering, and accept I love them all the same and it upsets us when they fight.

I am cutting myself some slack over the cooking. Today they had left over cake for pudding. Normally it would stress me if I wasn't able to cook/bake but I am thinking from a £ point of view now and have told DD and DS2 they are having left over roast pork in their lunches boxes tomorrow as otherwise it is like throwing money in the bin. The rest of the week they will get what they want (DD - roast chicken and ketchup) and DS2 (gammon.)

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

I used to get a few hours off on a Saturday to wander around the shops and DH had the kids. I am not sure why it stopped though sometimes the effort of going out isn't worth the end result. Lack of energy has been a shock now they are all sleeping through. When they were small we would stay in all day sometimes and it was fine. Now I have to go out at least twice a day and it wears me down.

I have definitely romanticised what family life should be. I imagine everyone to be playing monopoly now or out walking whereas here DS1 and 2 are playing on the computer, DD is doing her homework, DH is on his lap top and I am on here and watching tv. We had started going for walks on a Sunday but missed a few weeks as the weather has been so bad and I wasn't up to it last week.

[thinking101]

Oh..I promised DS to play monopoly yesterday....it ended in disaster. You and I are not he only ones counting down to 9am tomorrow, believe me.

I'll be back later this PM as Ive started housework today which I normally tomorrow so I can have some peace tomorrow when they are back at work and school. DD(2) is fine, at least I know she will sleep at some point

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

How do your children get on together? DS1 and DD started getting on better once they were at different schools. DD isn't very nice to DS2 at all and he just wants her to like him . They are at the same school until July.....

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

PaintyFingers - how did you mum show she was at the end of her tether and were you okay with it? Ds1 complains I shout and when I apologised for swearing he said he was used to it . Made me sad as it happens very rarely.

[thinking101]

Toffee DS will play with DD for a little while and even play in his bedroom but I still have to listen out as she is only 2, I cant go off into kitchen and do stuff. But then DS get annoyed when she touches things and sends her back.

But this is a 6 year gap after all. I spend a lot of time reminding DS that DD has the rules he used to have and that she will not understand xyz for a while.

I feel terrible that when I do shout at him, he sometimes doesnt bat an eyelid as he so used to mad mummy rants. DD doestn know any different

I have tried the I walk away and count and breath - this take a huge conscious effort. I also try to ask myself if this is a worth pulling him up for?

I jump onthe change to praise him. I do the same as you and apologise for shouting and any bad words.

Try standing back from your kids, are the clean and well fed? Are they poite and cooperative when out and about, say with other adults on bus/in coffee shop. Do people tell you your kids are lovely? Sometimes we can't see the wider picture when bogged down with the grind. Im really trying to pull myself up.

I have learned a lot from MN lately. SAHM's have shitty days it's really not all it is cracked up to be for everyone. But overall this is best for my family and I take my pleasures where I can when they not here making demands

I'm trying to get into good routines for homework, reading, swimming day etc. So January I've sorted out budget, I'm cooking from scratcha and I've went back to fly thread. This all just gives me a structures. Im working on the routine more to include things for myself. I figure that if I'm better on top of things then I can focus on them when needed and Im not worrying about cooking or uniforms.

Ive goto confess I've lowered my housekeeping standards somewhat, like I let them make a mess with paints and play do if it gives me half hour on MN o to watch an episode of something.

Whats the thing with the school, and needed help, this is only a good thing? Are you worried about his education longer term? Just remember, clean and fed, good manners and we half way there...

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

The kids behave for everyone except dh and I. They will try it on with PIL but MIL is much better with them so it never goes very far. They really are lovely kids who just push it too much. A teacher was most upset when DD was off sick as she loves having her in her class and Ds2's teacher laughed when I asked her if she liked him and said of course. His TA thought he was great but she has left now .

They are definitely well fed, clean, with clothes and shoes that fit and tonnes of books and things to do.

Every time I go in my bathroom I feel happy as I gave it a clean and tidy the other day and it looks so much better. My head is always a mess when the house is and it doesn't help.

DS had problems when I was pregnant and in labour and we think there are different issues that have been missed and it scares me. Someone who spent a short time with him criticised him completely and said he might be on the AS "tippy toes" and was just horrible about him. He is struggling a bit to settle in school (new one) and gets himself into trouble saying he has done things he hasn't. DH and I think there might be something not quite right but no idea what and I think he is in quite a unique situation. No doubt we will get through it and help him but it is scary. School are on the ball though and want to help him.