Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Original poster

Can a doctor find out I had an abortion?

200 replies

JulietNotRomeo · 09/12/2023 22:40

I'm 19 and I'm 13 weeks pregnant. I live with my parents who know I'm pregnant. They're very religious, anti abortion and for them, abortion is murder.

I've tried to make peace with the idea of being a mother, but I just simply can't. I do not want to have a baby now. I'm panicking with the idea, so I've booked a surgical termination for next week.

My question is: can a doctor find out I had a surgical termination during an internal ultrasound, if I had to go to the hospital the day after I had the procedure? I'm going to tell my parents I had a miscarriage and I bled the pregnancy out. My fear is that they'll want to go to the hospital and the doctors will see I had an abortion and my parents will know.

Any help is appreciated. I'm very scared of their reaction but I need to do this.

OP posts:
Wife2b · 10/12/2023 06:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Iheartmysmart · 10/12/2023 06:35

I see the forced birthers have piled on overnight. OP I hope all goes well for you. Do what you need to do to keep yourself safe.

For what it’s worth, I had a termination when not much older than you. I’m not wracked with guilt nor do I sit thinking about what could have been or any of those other trite phrases people trot out. It was the right thing for me at the time and I have no regrets.

Croissantsandpistachio · 10/12/2023 06:41

I've reported all the prolifers posts. Total vultures, turning up when a woman is vulnerable.

Good luck OP, you sound like you've got your head screwed on.

CiaraLiara · 10/12/2023 07:13

OP this is a lot to go through alone even if you're technically an adult. You have made the right decision for yourself in the circumstances. The medical professionals will support you but I also hope there's someone in your life that can accompany you at least emotionally. Take care of yourself. 💐

fourelementary · 10/12/2023 07:16
Good Morning Hello GIF by The Rainbow Bridge

@Fredflinstoneswife I’ve reported you, do you seriously feel like your “Christian” values are showing your faith and compassion? What would Jesus do when faced with this scenario? you know fine well what he would and DID do:

John 8:7
When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”

fourelementary · 10/12/2023 07:17

Goodness knows where the gif came from sorry!

erinaceus · 10/12/2023 07:17

Are you in the UK OP?

I think you need someone on your side on the ground as opposed to Mumsnet for this. Can you identify either a sensible and non-judgemental friend or family member, or a professional who works in abortion or an adjacent service. You want someone who understands the system, your rights, and how to communicate or not with your parents about what is happening.

Sending lots of love, as this sounds like a really tough spot to be in and you deserve the support of people close to you.

LolaSmiles · 10/12/2023 07:27

I've reported all the prolifers posts. Total vultures, turning up when a woman is vulnerable
Agree with this.
A teenager with religious parents who seem to think they can dictate her body doesn't need forced birth posts in the early hours.

Mirabai · 10/12/2023 07:29

HP89 · 10/12/2023 01:10

This!! I couldn’t get scanned for almost week with my actual miscarriage.. please don’t take up an appointment if you don’t really need it. Say you lost it on termination day and you wanted to go alone. Your mum can’t do anything about it afterwards.

Show quote history

Please don’t make this about yourselves. If OP can avoid an ultrasound appt I’m sure she will, it’s not necessarily required after miscarriage. But if she needs one to keep her safe that’s an absolutely valid use of an appt.

Good luck OP and I’m really sorry you’re going through this alone. xx

AnneValentine · 10/12/2023 07:38

JulietNotRomeo · 09/12/2023 23:16

Even in the case of a surgical termination?

Show quote history

They will know because it will be on your medical record.

They will also ask a series of questions that will require you to lie and won’t make sense.

Plus second trimester.

You’re actually better off telling your parents you’re already been to the doctor and they’re confirmed you’ve lost the baby.

Passingthethyme · 10/12/2023 07:39

I don't know about your original question OP. Just wanted to say that you're doing the right thing for you and that my thoughts are with you. I wish you well.

PonkyPonky · 10/12/2023 07:40

I’ve been where you are OP. I said I had already been to hospital and had it confirmed. This would avoid most of what you’re worrying about. Good luck. It’s going to be hard but you’ll come out the other side

Stelmosfire1 · 10/12/2023 07:42

Op I work in early pregnancy, at your gestation they would certainly wish to ensure a complete miscarriage and as they won’t have the full information would suggest an internal scan - this could be painful so soon after a termination. Also as you will be > 12/40 this is classed as a 2nd trimester miscarriage and will be recorded as such on your notes - just something to bear in mind if you have subsequent pregnancies - in my area you would be recommended to have consultant Led care as 2nd trimester losses are much more unusual than first trimester and can be indicative of an issue, basically how you approach this may have an impact on any future pregnancy care.
After a surgical procedure you are also recommended to have an adult stay with you for 24hrs - do you have a friend you could stay with who you trust?

Pipsquiggle · 10/12/2023 07:49

Hi OP sorry you are going through this alone.
Glad you have made a choice that is right for you.
Please know that the vast majority of women on here are wanting the best for you.
When I was your age I accompanied 2 of my friends at uni to have terminations. Do you have a good, discreet friend who could help you?

Tell the health professionals at the clinic what you are going through. You won't be the first young woman in this scenario. They may have a narrative that will help you

Good luck

Mirabai · 10/12/2023 07:51

You’re actually better off telling your parents you’re already been to the doctor and they’re confirmed you’ve lost the baby.

I think it would be better to tell them you’ve been to doctor/hospital, had a confirmed miscarriage and ask your parents to look after you for the 24 hours post “miscarriage”/termination.

Fraaahnces · 10/12/2023 07:57

You poor baby… I just want to give you a huge hug and tell you that you have given this more than enough time to know your mind. When you know for certain that this is not what you want, you are going to be attached forever - via genetics, and depending on circumstances, in contact with/financially reliant on the father whether you want to or not or whether it’s the right thing for the child, you can live your life knowing that you did the right thing. I speak from experience. You will be okay. If you do end up going to the hospital, make sure you have a note that you can hand a Dr or nurse that states that you don’t want your parents in with you. They can sort that out and you would be able to speak openly with the medical staff when they have been moved to a different room.

gotomomo · 10/12/2023 08:18

You can tell them you went to a&e yourself surely???

Olindia · 10/12/2023 08:26

as pp have said, tell them after it’s happened.
where are you meant to be when you are going for the procedure? I would call your mum to collect you and say you started bleeding at work/ college and rushed to the hospital, it all happened so quickly that you didn’t have time to call her and you forgot your phone in your car/ locker etc. The hospital kept you in for the day and have confirmed the miscarriage.

beautifullittletree · 10/12/2023 08:29

Just to clarify, for everyone who had a go at me for saying OP shouldn't lie to access medical treatment she doesn't need - OP had other options. I wasn't being nasty or unsympathetic. I may have written it badly but if OP is able to go and have a termination without her parents knowing where she is she is also able to tell them she was bleeding and got checked out, told she lost the baby. There are a whole score of other options actually, but I'm sorry to OP is I caused any upset I really didn't mean to

BusMumsHoliday · 10/12/2023 08:36

OP, I hope you're doing ok.

Just wanted to say that I used to work in a termination clinic (admin, not a Dr or nurse). The staff there will have seen so many cases like yours before and can offer advice. Please talk to them about what you might or might not want to tell your parents. They can also add in the notes that your family are unaware and that it's not safe to speak with them. They shouldn't tell them anything anyway without your permission but it's an extra precaution.

If you're going to bpas or msi, they also often deal with managing miscarriages for the NHS, so its plausible that you would be sent there if you'd, for example, had an incomplete miscarriage.

If you can have a trusted friend collect you, that's better. But the clinic will also have seen women who have to leave alone because they have no one to help them. It's not ideal but they will let you leave (you just can't drive if you've had conscious sedation).

All the best for the procedure. You'll be in good hands with caring people.

Spottingtwerps · 10/12/2023 08:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Wow. Just wow. She's barely an adult in the legal sense. OP is dealing with it as best she can. She says she feels awful for lying so I'm sure your unnecessarily harsh reply and total lack of empathy has really helped. She has what appear to be parents who are interfering, at best and controlling at worst. They are forcing their religious beliefs on their daughter, she is clearly scared, handling this without their support and facing who knows what in terms of consequences. Why did you comment when you had nothing helpful or supportive to say?

Lovemusic82 · 10/12/2023 08:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Not helpful, she’s 19 years old and scared. If she has an abortion she feels she needs to fake a miscarriage to her mother. Yes she’s an adult but only just.

OP, is there anywhere you can go and stay for a couple days? Visit a friend? And then you can fake the miscarriage without your mum having to be at the hospital (tell her a friend took you)? I know you’re scared but given the choices and having to have a baby you don’t want it’s worth the lie and the possible fall out if your mum finds out. If you were my dd your choice would be my priority and I would support that you don’t want this baby. You are the same age as my dd and I hate to think of her having to go through this.

CaramelMac · 10/12/2023 08:53

Don’t worry about “wasting resources” or “taking up an appointment you don’t need” or “lying” one additional person having a scan is a drop in the ocean to the NHS, you do what you’ve gotta do.

I’m guessing if the OPs parents are very religious then she perhaps can’t just disappear for a day or go to the hospital herself and not call them without arousing suspicion, or ask her mum to wait outside the appointment room, which is why she needs to lie.

Every appointment I went to when I was pregnant, there were stickers on the back of the toilet door you could stick on your notes to discreetly let the staff know you wanted to be seen alone, please check for these if you have to go to hospital with your mother.

If, and I think it is very unlikely, a medical professional mentions the termination in front of your mother, just say in a disgusted voice “I don’t know what your talking about, are you sure those are my notes? as I told you I started bleeding at home so I came to A&E” they will get the hint.

Tandora · 10/12/2023 08:54

GlitteringUnicorn · 09/12/2023 22:53

I have been that doctor in EPAC clinic

In essence you will report you have had a large bleed with clots (that's the critical bit)

They will see an empty uterus and will report complete abortion

They won't be able to tell.

Hi OP, highlighting this helpful response as the most relevant to answer your question xx
Good luck x

Tandora · 10/12/2023 08:55

Useruser1212 · 09/12/2023 23:03

Hi OP, my husband is a medical professional - he said there's no way for a sonographer or doctor to know the difference between a spontaneous miscarriage or a medical abortion via a scan (it doesn't matter if they do an internal scan either). If you claim you have had a lot of bleeding, they will tell you that you have had a miscarriage. Don't be worried if they call this a spontaneous abortion, that's just the medical term for miscarriage.

Edited

And this one. X