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Original poster

Can a doctor find out I had an abortion?

200 replies

JulietNotRomeo · 09/12/2023 22:40

I'm 19 and I'm 13 weeks pregnant. I live with my parents who know I'm pregnant. They're very religious, anti abortion and for them, abortion is murder.

I've tried to make peace with the idea of being a mother, but I just simply can't. I do not want to have a baby now. I'm panicking with the idea, so I've booked a surgical termination for next week.

My question is: can a doctor find out I had a surgical termination during an internal ultrasound, if I had to go to the hospital the day after I had the procedure? I'm going to tell my parents I had a miscarriage and I bled the pregnancy out. My fear is that they'll want to go to the hospital and the doctors will see I had an abortion and my parents will know.

Any help is appreciated. I'm very scared of their reaction but I need to do this.

OP posts:
beautifullittletree · 09/12/2023 23:29

@jays

OP can do whatever she needs to do to keep herself safe in this situation .

OP hasn't said she isn't safe? She said her religious parents are anti abortion.

sprigatito · 09/12/2023 23:29

beautifullittletree · 09/12/2023 23:27

I can't believe people are pontificating about an "unnecessary" ultrasound ffs. OP is 19 and going through something incredibly traumatic while under the control of parents who will make her suffer if they find out the truth.

There is a huge issue at play here but lying to have an ultrasound isn't a resolution. At 19 years old OP needs to stand up to her parents and make her own adult decisions. Having a needless medical procedure isn't the right thing to do.

Tell me you didn't grow up in a high-control religious family without telling me 🙄

Just stand up to them. Of course it's that easy.

Xmasblues · 09/12/2023 23:30

Grimchmas · 09/12/2023 22:59

OP's parents know she is pregnant - if she doesn't want to tell them she's having a termination, she has to pretend she's lost the baby at some point.

I presume she is living with them and that if she feigns a miscarriage her mum will want to go with her to get checked out because, well, most mums would want to in that situation.

Show quote history

You’ve hit the nail on the head.

Any parent thinking that their child is going through a miscarriage is going to take them to the hospital and want to be there to support them during the ultrasound.

beautifullittletree · 09/12/2023 23:30

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HiCandles · 09/12/2023 23:31

The more I think about it, the more I think there is just no way a doctor or sonographer could tell, OP, and even if they had a suspicion about your story, they are never going to say 'are you sure you didn't really have a termination?'. There is just no way because everyone understands this is a sensitive area. You are not the first nor the last to take this course of action and blame miscarriage.
There are ways to ensure mum isn't in the room though - ask for the nurse's help in the toilet because the bleeding is heavy then ask them in private to be alone. Or show them the 'appointment confirmation' on your phone which is really a pretyped message asking to be alone when scanned. Or give them the 'referral letter from the GP' in an envelope, again really stating your wishes. I've had women do all of these in EPAU or GP and it's very easy for the doctor to then breezily say 'we don't allow anyone in for intimate medical examinations, sorry hospital rules, I'll get you when we're done!'. I've never had a relative argue with this.

jays · 09/12/2023 23:31

beautifullittletree · 09/12/2023 23:27

I can't believe people are pontificating about an "unnecessary" ultrasound ffs. OP is 19 and going through something incredibly traumatic while under the control of parents who will make her suffer if they find out the truth.

There is a huge issue at play here but lying to have an ultrasound isn't a resolution. At 19 years old OP needs to stand up to her parents and make her own adult decisions. Having a needless medical procedure isn't the right thing to do.

But it’s not about what OP needs to do and who she needs to stand up to, it’s about what’s she’s actually realistically able to do at this time. I’ve been the 19 year old terrified of my parents and it took me years to be able to take the steps necessary to handle the situation well. I was a lot older than 19 by that time. I get what you’re saying but OP is terrified clearly and it’s just not always that simple.

beautifullittletree · 09/12/2023 23:31

@sprigatito

Tell me you didn't grow up in a high-control religious family without telling me 🙄

Just stand up to them. Of course it's that easy.

I don't say it was easy. I am simply saying OP should not be lying to access healthcare she doesn't need.

x2boys · 09/12/2023 23:31

Nonimai · 09/12/2023 23:26

I am so sorry you are struggling with this. If you take your mum to a scan and there’s no baby she is going to be upset. You live with your parents and have told them about the pregnancy. I think you should tell them that you are going to abort, because I think they will find out. Hopefully they will support you, if not you will have to go it alone. I think creating a web of subterfuge and lies never works in the long term. You seem to be close to your mum.

That's all very well.in theory but what if they are not supportive the Op.said they were religious ,they may see abortion as a "sin " the Op.is only 19and lives,with her parents it might make this be very difficult if she's truthful.

Diaria · 09/12/2023 23:32

My concern for you would be that you should definitely not go for internal ultrasound post surgical termination.

There may be an infection risk.

Discuss your full situation with the doctor planning to do the procedure and ask for advice on how to handle it.

jays · 09/12/2023 23:33

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yes it is. If that’s what OP has to do at this time to keep herself safe, that’s what she has to do.

Morewineplease10 · 09/12/2023 23:33

Sorry you're in this situation op. I wish you had their support.

Can anyone else provide emotional support?

I agree that you do whatever you need to.

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 09/12/2023 23:33

@beautifullittletree and ......so what. Your comments are not helpful. I hope a 19 year old never comes to you for help.

Op will do what she has to do. I'd hardly see it as lying, her medical history really is no one else's business.

Xmasblues · 09/12/2023 23:33

OP what’s the worst thing that’s going to happen if they find out you have an abortion?

I would go ahead with the abortion as planned and then pretend you went to A&E and they gave you a scan because you were bleeding and said they couldn’t find a heartbeat.

If your mum takes you to the hospital then try and tell the nurse in secret but if not just act innocent.

The nurse may pick up on the signs that you have had an abortion but aren’t being honest and will most likely go along with it or not even check your medical history.

Worst comes to worse, they get your medical records and say you’ve had an abortion and you come clean and there’s literally nothing your parents can do.

Diaria · 09/12/2023 23:34

Psychologically I would also be concerned for you carrying such an enormous lie and having to recover from abortion essentially on your own.

Honestly OP if there is any way you can navigate this to avoid lying and putting yourself through a pantomime hospital performance unnecessarily please do so.

Your relationship with your parents and mental health are at risk here.

lionobserving · 09/12/2023 23:35

OP, you may know this already, but the hospital won't discharge you after a medical abortion without someone coming to pick you up?

Is there someone else you can call to be with you? Do your parents already know you're pregnant? If not, do you need to tell them anything at all?

Most importantly, I truly hope you are okay and are getting support from somewhere (even if it's here). What you're doing is very brave and, in a lot of ways, selfless. Look after yourself.

beautifullittletree · 09/12/2023 23:35

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 09/12/2023 23:33

@beautifullittletree and ......so what. Your comments are not helpful. I hope a 19 year old never comes to you for help.

Op will do what she has to do. I'd hardly see it as lying, her medical history really is no one else's business.

I would help anyone if they came to me. I'm not the problem here, OP parents are.

And turning up at a pregnancy into telling them you are bleeding when you have already had an abortion is definitely lying.

Useruser1212 · 09/12/2023 23:35

@Diaria this isn't true. I'm speaking from personal experience and my husband who is a senior doctor also said its untrue. In MANY circumstances an internal scan is required after a D&C. Its not a risk after having a D&C.

However, it is good advice for her to discuss her situation with the doctor who performs her surgical termination.

Wherearemykeysagain · 09/12/2023 23:35

I'd go from clinic to an A&E and ask your mum to pick you up. Then tell her you started bleeding, went to A&E and sadly have lost the baby. She'll look after you sympathetically, hopefully. You don't need to actually access any treatment at all then.

Once you're recovered start to make a plan for independence/freedom.
I hope it's okay to ask, did you get pregnant through non-consensual sex or in forced marriage? There are charities to support you, whatever the situation. If it's 'just' very controlling parents that's pretty traumatic too and it's okay if right now isn't the best time to move out.

beautifullittletree · 09/12/2023 23:36

@jays

yes it is. If that’s what OP has to do at this time to keep herself safe, that’s what she has to do.

Keep her safe? From her parents disagreement?

Wherearemykeysagain · 09/12/2023 23:38

beautifullittletree · 09/12/2023 23:36

@jays

yes it is. If that’s what OP has to do at this time to keep herself safe, that’s what she has to do.

Keep her safe? From her parents disagreement?

Potentially homelessness, poverty, social isolation or worse....
Can you really not put yourself in a 19yr olds shoes?

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 09/12/2023 23:38

@beautifullittletree you are a bit of a problem though.

If a 19 year old came to you with this problem, would you really say the things you have said here. Op is well aware she is lying. Leave her be to do what she needs to do. Your comments could make her feel guilty.

Pacificisolated · 09/12/2023 23:38

Do you need to take your mum to the hospital with you at all? Wait for a time when she’s at work/out for the day so you have enough time to pretend that you had a big bleed and went to the hospital without her where they confirmed a miscarriage?

I’m sorry your parents are pushing their beliefs on you. Only you know if you’re ready to be a mother and whether having an abortion is in line with your values.

barbieofswanlake · 09/12/2023 23:39

She won't be pregnant though? She is planning to terminate and lie to multiple people and access healthcare she doesn't need all because her parents won't agree with her choice. That's absolutely not ok at any age

@beautifullittletree I'll tell you what is absolutely not ok at any age. You, and your nasty judgemental posts.

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 09/12/2023 23:40

@barbieofswanlake well said.

Nonimai · 09/12/2023 23:40

I agree, it’s going to be difficult, but it is going to be difficult either way. Her parents may offer support she hasn’t thought of, or may allay some fears. Ultimately as an adult they can’t stop her aborting. The op trusted her parents enough to tell them of the pregnancy, despite their strong views - now she wants to abort the only way out seems to either lie and say you have had a miscarriage or trust them and tell the truth. I would still say that at 19, if your parents have always wanted the best for you, trust them now. This is a confusing time and you need support.