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This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Original poster

Can a doctor find out I had an abortion?

200 replies

JulietNotRomeo · 09/12/2023 22:40

I'm 19 and I'm 13 weeks pregnant. I live with my parents who know I'm pregnant. They're very religious, anti abortion and for them, abortion is murder.

I've tried to make peace with the idea of being a mother, but I just simply can't. I do not want to have a baby now. I'm panicking with the idea, so I've booked a surgical termination for next week.

My question is: can a doctor find out I had a surgical termination during an internal ultrasound, if I had to go to the hospital the day after I had the procedure? I'm going to tell my parents I had a miscarriage and I bled the pregnancy out. My fear is that they'll want to go to the hospital and the doctors will see I had an abortion and my parents will know.

Any help is appreciated. I'm very scared of their reaction but I need to do this.

OP posts:
HiCandles · 09/12/2023 23:41

I think some are underestimating the strength of disapproval or potential consequences here. @beautifullittletree @Xmasblues
I have no idea of OP's personal situation but honour killing is still a problem in some religions/communities, typically ultra religious Muslims though others too. Parents being unhappy is not the worst thing that can happen, at all. OP could be at risk of being made homeless or even physically harmed or killed if she has an abortion and her parents find out.
Keeping herself safe is the priority and no doctor or early pregnancy unit would judge her for doing what she needs to do.

EasterIssland · 09/12/2023 23:42

Sorry op you’re going through this. Can you go to the hospital on your own? Let them know you’re in the hospital whilst being there rather than allowing them to take you there.

TeaGinandFags · 09/12/2023 23:42

Discuss your concerns with your medics and they will accommodate you.

They really do need to know your medical history in order to give you the best possible care. They will absolutely not inform your mother as it's none of her business and to do so could lose them their jobs.

Perhaps you could cancel the scan or ensure that your mum isn't allowed in. Ask your nurse when you get your termination.

Take good care of yourself x

Ineedasitdown · 09/12/2023 23:44

beautifullittletree · 09/12/2023 23:31

@sprigatito

Tell me you didn't grow up in a high-control religious family without telling me 🙄

Just stand up to them. Of course it's that easy.

I don't say it was easy. I am simply saying OP should not be lying to access healthcare she doesn't need.

of all the issues with the nhs, this really isn’t one of them today. Go and concern yourself with all the patients being nursed in car parks and stop trying to make a vulnerable 19yo feel worse than she probably already does.

Mercier1 · 09/12/2023 23:44

Have the abortion, and ignore anyone who says anything about having unnecessary scans etc. They have not a clue. Make sure you have someone to support you after your termination and get you home, if you don’t contact Abortion Support Network. They will help I am sure. You have a right to privacy so as others have said if you end up in a+e play innocent etc. After it’s all over look at your how to escape the family pressure. Solidarity

Lavender14 · 09/12/2023 23:44

Op that sounds so difficult for you and I'm sorry you're feeling so pressured by your parents.

A few things I'm wondering, if you did tell your parents that you had or were planning a termination what do you think would happen? Is it likely they'd ask you to leave the family home? I'm guessing you live with them?

Do you have any other supports through friends or extended family who you could stay with if you needed to? Do you work and have your own income? Would you be able to support yourself financially if you needed to move out?

Ultimately whatever you decide to do it's your choice but personally I'm wondering if it's better to be honest and stand firm in your choices. At 19 you are an adult and if you don't want to give birth then you cannot be forced to.

I personally would be honest about the termination op, but I understand that's easier said than done. I think that lying about a miscarriage might leave too many possibilities for being found out and to me that would be worse. At the end of the day you deserve support around the termination as well. It might be better to be direct with your parents and then stay with a friend or someone more supportive after the termination. Your parents will have their space to process their feelings and you won't have to deal with that.

I don't think long term it's sustainable to lie and you will need to hold boundaries with your parents going forward and to me this is a time to start. You are absolutely entitled to make your own healthcare decisions.

Xmasblues · 09/12/2023 23:46

HiCandles · 09/12/2023 23:41

I think some are underestimating the strength of disapproval or potential consequences here. @beautifullittletree @Xmasblues
I have no idea of OP's personal situation but honour killing is still a problem in some religions/communities, typically ultra religious Muslims though others too. Parents being unhappy is not the worst thing that can happen, at all. OP could be at risk of being made homeless or even physically harmed or killed if she has an abortion and her parents find out.
Keeping herself safe is the priority and no doctor or early pregnancy unit would judge her for doing what she needs to do.

I completely understand that and there is obviously some very strong opinions that her parents hold.

But if violence is a possibility then my advice would be different then if they would just kick her out or something.

If violence is a possibility then I don’t know what advice I would give because there’s no guarantee that the doctor won’t realise she’s had an abortion and say it in front of the mum when she’s having the scan.

Diaria · 09/12/2023 23:46

Useruser1212 · 09/12/2023 23:35

@Diaria this isn't true. I'm speaking from personal experience and my husband who is a senior doctor also said its untrue. In MANY circumstances an internal scan is required after a D&C. Its not a risk after having a D&C.

However, it is good advice for her to discuss her situation with the doctor who performs her surgical termination.

Edited

@Useruser1212

Thanks I wasn’t sure.

So worrying for her, OP I’m so sorry you’re in this situation.

Please discuss everything with the doctor and with anyone else medical that is giving you treatment/support.

Speak to your GP to organise some counselling sessions.

DoooooWhoop · 09/12/2023 23:46

So sorry to read this. Is the baby's father involved in anyway to support you?

Happyhappyday · 09/12/2023 23:47

@beautifullittletree i have been the person who urgently needed an EPU scan more than once and I can tell you I would completely support OP accessing care she “doesn’t need.” I can’t believe how unempathetic you are. I feel pretty disgusted by your posts.

beautifullittletree · 09/12/2023 23:50

Happyhappyday · 09/12/2023 23:47

@beautifullittletree i have been the person who urgently needed an EPU scan more than once and I can tell you I would completely support OP accessing care she “doesn’t need.” I can’t believe how unempathetic you are. I feel pretty disgusted by your posts.

But she doesn't need them. That's the truth.

I'm sorry people find my comments nasty and disgusting but I just don't agree with lying to get a scan you know you don't need. There are others ways for OP to pass an abortion off as a miscarriage as some people upthread have suggested.

I wish OP the best, I don't mean to be horrible, but I have every right to say lying isn't ok.

TomeTome · 09/12/2023 23:51

How are you getting home after the D and C?
You will have marks on your inner elbows where they sedate you.

If you can’t talk to your GP privately then talk to the nurses after the procedure. I think they will be able to protect your privacy and make things easier.

I’m worried about how you are going to cope with all of this. It sounds very lonely and you sound very brave.

Artichoke88 · 09/12/2023 23:52

Sounds like a nightmare, but here's a suggestion.
Could you have the termination and tell your parents that you've been bleeding for a few days and that you're popping to the GP and explain to the GP what's going on. If your mum insists on going to the GP with you, call ahead and ask the receptionist to tell the GP what's happening, so that he/she knows the way to phrase things or can even request that your mum waits outside on the basis that you're over 18. If your mum pressures you, just reassure her that it'll be fine and to wait there. If your GP surgery offers scans, say that they did one and that you are no longer pregnant. 🤷🏼‍♀️ Do you think that they are already suspicious that you may want a termination? Why did you tell them you were pregnant knowing that they'd never let you make a decision?

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 09/12/2023 23:54

@Artichoke88 your last question was unnecessary.

GlitteringUnicorn · 09/12/2023 23:55

To clarify- no I would not be able to tell if it was a surgical or spontaneous abortion.
NHS notes will not pull across from some clinics eg Marie Stopes
And even if I had a whiff of suspicion (and I have in the past) I absolutely would not challenge this especially with someone else in the room.

ExTheCheater · 09/12/2023 23:58

It will be in your medical records won't it? So they will see. I had one as a teen and a when I had my first child my doctor informed me it was my second pregnancy, not my first. Was a bit like wtf. So they can see the information.

TeaGinandFags · 10/12/2023 00:00

At 19 OP is still very much a girl herself.

Can you people cut her some slack!

OP, you will not be the first woman in this position and the drs have seen it all before. Tell them about your situation and they will protect you from an overzealous wannabe granny.

mrsbyers · 10/12/2023 00:01

I was in hospital for surgery several years after having a termination and a doctor mentioned it in the presence of my parents without any authority or reason to do so

SaffronSpice · 10/12/2023 00:02

Mirrormeback · 09/12/2023 22:53

It's a bit worrying that your mum is going to accompany' you everywhere

That's very controlling and a bit worrying

And as you know not normal at all

Nonsense. A concerned mum thinking her daughter is having a miscarriage would want to support her and it is very usual for mothers to support their daughters in traumatic medical situations. MN is weird sometimes.

Lavender14 · 10/12/2023 00:04

Just a thought op, could you arrange to see your gp alone and ask for their help and advice? Or if you have a community midwife could you ring and speak to them on the phone and ask that it be kept confidential. They might be able to better advise you or at least offer you further support that your family don't need to know about? They could ask your mum to leave for any more appointments you might have in future?

SaffronSpice · 10/12/2023 00:04

ExTheCheater · 09/12/2023 23:58

It will be in your medical records won't it? So they will see. I had one as a teen and a when I had my first child my doctor informed me it was my second pregnancy, not my first. Was a bit like wtf. So they can see the information.

Edited

It often necessary to know, eg if you are rhesus negative

thebestinterest · 10/12/2023 00:06

in my experience, they won’t even let your parents in the room unless you approve. But as others have said… you’re an adult.

SgtBilko · 10/12/2023 00:07

barbieofswanlake · 09/12/2023 23:39

She won't be pregnant though? She is planning to terminate and lie to multiple people and access healthcare she doesn't need all because her parents won't agree with her choice. That's absolutely not ok at any age

@beautifullittletree I'll tell you what is absolutely not ok at any age. You, and your nasty judgemental posts.

Well said @barbieofswanlake

Jas5mum · 10/12/2023 00:07

Get lots of painkillers ready for afterwards.
I had a surgical termination(for medical reasons) and didn't have a follow up scan or anything afterwards.
Get lots of pads in for the bleeding too.
You do what you have to do, its your choice. I hope everything goes ok and you take care x

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 10/12/2023 00:08

Op, I had an abortion and it has never been said to me by a medical professional. Never.