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Original poster

Can a doctor find out I had an abortion?

200 replies

JulietNotRomeo · 09/12/2023 22:40

I'm 19 and I'm 13 weeks pregnant. I live with my parents who know I'm pregnant. They're very religious, anti abortion and for them, abortion is murder.

I've tried to make peace with the idea of being a mother, but I just simply can't. I do not want to have a baby now. I'm panicking with the idea, so I've booked a surgical termination for next week.

My question is: can a doctor find out I had a surgical termination during an internal ultrasound, if I had to go to the hospital the day after I had the procedure? I'm going to tell my parents I had a miscarriage and I bled the pregnancy out. My fear is that they'll want to go to the hospital and the doctors will see I had an abortion and my parents will know.

Any help is appreciated. I'm very scared of their reaction but I need to do this.

OP posts:
321user123 · 10/12/2023 01:23

Mirrormeback · 09/12/2023 22:53

It's a bit worrying that your mum is going to accompany' you everywhere

That's very controlling and a bit worrying

And as you know not normal at all

Really?
In the scenario, the daughter tells the mum she’s bleeding while she’s pregnant, why wouldn’t a parent want to accompany their child for support?

The problem is the lying.. (although I 100% understand why OP you feel that this is what you have to do).

LuluCa · 10/12/2023 01:27

This reply has been deleted

We taking this down as it is it not in the spirit of the site.

SleepyRich · 10/12/2023 01:27

I would make clear your situation when attending for the termination to staff there, I'm sure you wont be the first to be in this situation and they may have a solution/a story to tell. That being said, I do think this will be a really difficult lie to sell.

I do think just going to a pre-planned appointment or A&E afterwards with your mum in the hope that it comes across as a miscarriage not termination could end in disaster, the record of the procedure will be in your notes, whilst the information is obviously confidential there's any number of ways you mum could be alerted/get the idea something is up. It just takes one comment or question from a staff member without awareness of the situation/ask a question about what your previous appointment was for or your notes be opened up whilst your mum is in the room, if she thinks your their in an emergency she's not going to leave your side

missingyears · 10/12/2023 01:39

@LuluCa go away. You are not helping this vulnerable lady with her incredibly difficult circumstances. You are as bad as her controlling family. Please leave her alone and take your misguided extremism elsewhere

Emeraldsanddiamonds · 10/12/2023 01:58

Do whatever you need to to get an abortion and keep yourself safe. If you have to have the ultrasound just talk about heavy clots and bleeding. Ideally, get your mother out of the room. Just say you'll cope better if she's not there worrying. I wouldn't tell your parents anything because you obviously know what they are like. If you were my daughter I'd be driving you in the car for the termination and bring relieved you were being sensible. For heaven's sake there are medical tourists who contribute nothing and can't even be stopped on the borders for unpaid NHS bills so one little ultrasound for OP will not make a difference to the creaking mess that is the NHS.

Years ago when I was pregnant a nurse was casually chatting. Apparently they had some special code on notes where it wasn't the woman's first pregnancy but the husband didn't know so the staff never let anything slip in front of the husband. You can make really clear that you don't want your parents to have any access to your medical data or be told anything. The doctors wouldn't even tell me if my seventeen year olds cancer had spread without him giving specific permission or him being there. (He's fine now.)

lifesrichpageant · 10/12/2023 02:23

congratulations on holding your ground and going ahead with the abortion. He is legally and ethically obligated to protect your confidentiality if he finds out.

Scorchio84 · 10/12/2023 02:27

Just to reiterate all the sensible previous posters on here, please do whatever you have to do & take their very practical suggestions onboard, I'm sorry you're going through this alone, it's not easy at any age or whatever the circumstances & 19 is so young. Again you know your parents & so this seems to be the only & for want for a better turn of phrase the "best" solution for you, just please look after yourself & continue being strong

Fredflinstoneswife · 10/12/2023 02:29

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nottodaytomorrow · 10/12/2023 02:36

As much as I sympathise your situation please don't take an unnecessary appointment for an "emergency" scan knowing full well you don't need it! It will mean someone who genuinely needs to be checked won't get seen.

namechangenanny · 10/12/2023 02:44

This reply has been withdrawn

Message removed as it references a deleted post.

Bigcat25 · 10/12/2023 02:49

Not much to offer but women who are miscarrying will experience cramps on and off. It doesn't have to last long, for me it was around 4-5 hrs off occasional cramping, but I wasn't as far along as you. Just wanted to mention this so you can act convincingly when the time comes.

SutWytTi · 10/12/2023 02:52

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This is so unhelpful, if only it were this simple.

HoppingPavlova · 10/12/2023 02:56

I’m sorry you are in this situation, but for goodness sake, do not go to A&E unnecessarily due to a lie. They are busy, really busy. They don’t want someone there faking something nothing that is not happening and wasting their time. They are overworked and are not stupid, trust me. Do the right thing, lie to your family, no issues, but don’t waste A&E time and resources. Just tell your family you just want to stay in bed and refuse to go to A&E. They cannot make you.

HoppingPavlova · 10/12/2023 02:59

@lifesrichpageant congratulations on holding your ground and going ahead with the abortion. He is legally and ethically obligated to protect your confidentiality if he finds out

who on earth is ‘He’? Who are you referring to?

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 10/12/2023 03:18

No advice as you've had plenty, but I hope it all goes well for you OP. You sound very mature and sensible.

Thepissinglady · 10/12/2023 04:12

I did this at just couldn't cope with my parents knowing or anymore else for that matter. I booked for my abortion and went to "college " as normal pretended to my parents I'd turned up at a and e with bleeding and lost the baby. I called them from the hospital asking them to collect me and asked to be collected from a and e. I just said it happened so fast.

Thepissinglady · 10/12/2023 04:15

TBH I needed some counselling after but certainly didn't want a baby at that age.

andIsaid · 10/12/2023 04:26

beautifullittletree · 09/12/2023 23:27

I can't believe people are pontificating about an "unnecessary" ultrasound ffs. OP is 19 and going through something incredibly traumatic while under the control of parents who will make her suffer if they find out the truth.

There is a huge issue at play here but lying to have an ultrasound isn't a resolution. At 19 years old OP needs to stand up to her parents and make her own adult decisions. Having a needless medical procedure isn't the right thing to do.

God some people have absolutely no understanding outside of their little realm.

They no imagination either.

andIsaid · 10/12/2023 04:41

Notimeforaname · 10/12/2023 00:34

You just dont bring your parents with you?! You are an adult. Go off and do your own thing. Cant see what they need to be in the room with you...

Clearly if she says - I live with my parents who know I'm pregnant. They're very religious, anti abortion and for them, abortion is murder followed by I am very scared by their reaction

you can infer that it is not that simple for her?

Clearly simple for you.

But not for her.

andIsaid · 10/12/2023 04:49

This reply has been deleted

We taking this down as it is it not in the spirit of the site.

You’ve carried your baby for 3 months-

It is not a baby yet. It is a foetus with the potential to become a baby.

I think it will be very hard to hide the emotional impact of ending the pregnancy from your family, and it’s a decision that will remain with you for the rest of your life.

I had a secret abortion at 19. It was very much the right thing to do. I had no emotional fall out. It helped me break free from a stiffling background. I am very glad I had the ability to make that decision because it set in motion many things that altered my life for the better.

There are times in life when we would not necessarily choose the situation or the path that we find ourselves on, but it doesn’t necessarily mean it is the wrong path.

This is true. But her decision to end it may not be the wrong path either.
I don't think anyone wants specifically to get abortions.
I also don't think emotional trauma is written in to them.

YoBeaches · 10/12/2023 05:07

OP if you're still reading, what's the worst you can imagine happening if you tell your parents the truth?

I have a story the same as yours, my mum found out but not my dad. She wanted me to keep it, religious, but I said no. She was upset. She found it difficult understand. But she still supported me through it.

In your case you could tell them afterwards, then it's done and there is nothing much else to be said about it.

But really. What's your biggest fear here? Would they hold you prisoner till you have the baby? Would they disown you? Would they make you homeless?

Or would it just be difficult for a little while?

Sodapop1 · 10/12/2023 05:42

OP I’m sorry you’re going through this and I hope you are able to seek some help if you need emotional support. Your decision is the right thing to do if it’s what you want, don’t feel guilty.

On a practical level I would 100% be honest with the staff at your termination, tell them your situation and discuss your fears as they may be able to help. If you do find yourself in hospital needing a scan, there’s no reason for your parents to accompany you into the room? You could ask them to wait in the waiting room and explain the situation when they are out of earshot?

Also if you are 13 weeks pregnant now and presumably planned to keep baby at some point do you have a midwife? They would also be able to help and support you here if you outlined the situation.

sashh · 10/12/2023 05:42

NHS staff pick up on things like the relationship with your parents.

I was admitted via A and E with a very overbearing mother who was in the room, I actually had a problem with my gall blader but it could have been a number of things, they sent my mother out of the room before asking if I was on the pill, had a boyfriend, could I be pregnant.

Book the termination, keep away from Life and SPUC.

You are not the first person to go though this and you will not be the last.

As for anyone saying, "be an adult", or "sort out your relationship with your parents" you have never been in a family with controlling parents.

AllWeWantToDo · 10/12/2023 05:46

beautifullittletree · 09/12/2023 23:01

@Grimchmas

Thanks - I just worked it out when someone else posters about lying to the EP unit

It didn't cross my mind that anyone would lie like that to have an ultrasound they don't need when someone else could be desperate for the care the EP unit can give Sad

Bloody hell, the op is 19 years old , why wouldn't you even try to show a bit of compassion

They aren't going to say anything infront of your parents op, even if it says on your notes you've had a termination they aren't daft, they'll guess it has something to do with your parents

Why don't you talk to the staff when you go in for the termination, they may be able to advise you ?

Oliveandrose · 10/12/2023 06:09

Oh OP, I’m so sorry xx

Is anyone going with you when you have your termination? Could you say to your parents that you’d spent the day in hospital as you started bleeding and the hospital confirmed miscarriage?

Sorry to make this me me me, I just want you to feel reassured and confident in your choice.

I was just turned 16 when I had an abortion. Surgical. Many years ago. I was still at school and doing GCSEs. My parents never knew. Nobody did other than my boyfriend at the time. I paid for a private abortion in Essex so my GP would never know. I told my parents I was going to London with a group of friends for a day of tourist and museum things, school related. I got the train with my bf, slept outside the clinic (just around the corner) in the freezing cold (February) as I had to be there at 8am and it was a 3 hour journey from my house so it was all we could do. We were too young to book a hotel. I had the procedure on a Saturday and had to go to work in a supermarket on the Sunday in agony. Back to school on the Monday passing enormous clots, I remember in my biology lesson I thought I’d actually passed the baby. But my parents never knew, that was the main thing as they would have been horrific. I remember how scared you must be feelings right now and how lonely and all the other feels.

You will be ok.

FWIW, I had a baby when I was 19, almost 20. I was ready, with the right person who I’m still with, and not afraid. He’s almost 20 now. I always thought something would happen to him because of karma or whatever. Thankfully he is a treasure (as are our other children). I know I did the right thing. I wish you so much love OP.