Hi everyone i’m 26 and I recently had a medical abortion. At the time it felt like the best option because my partner and I both have quite a lot going on and didn’t think it was a good idea to bring a baby into the mix at the time. I was climbing out of a depression after struggling to find a new job, plus I’m sifting through some debt from university and my partner has a little one from a previous relationship & so felt like he was only just financially and mentally getting his life back on track now that she’s in primary school.
This was my first ever pregnancy and it was super unexpected, we are usually careful but I guess not careful enough. I think in the moment we both panicked and made a decision that we felt was not only right for ourselves, but also for the potential baby (given our situations).
I found out around 4 weeks and time kind of went by while we tried to figure out what to do. I kept debating and felt like if I chose to keep it that it would be selfish of me in a way. I’ve always wanted children and I know some people consider it a ball of cells at that stage, but I started growing attached and was afraid that if we didn’t keep it it would hurt even more after prolonging the process, so I quickly went ahead with a medical abortion at 6 weeks.
Immediately after the abortion I began regretting it. Now, all I see are other pregnant people, scan photos and baby bumps and I can’t help but feel like I made a very silly and irrational mistake here. I think about what our baby would’ve looked like, who they would’ve grown to become etc. I was still going through it during Mother’s Day which stung a bit. I’m just really struggling mentally and can feel myself ever so slowly slipping back into a depression.
On one hand, I think we could’ve made it work as many people in even worse situations do, that in a way my partner and I are selfish for not taking responsibility and making it work. But then on the other hand, I think we just weren’t ready it wouldn’t have been fair on the baby. We both haven’t had the best upbringing so we really didn’t want to subject a baby to something similar.
Ironically early into the abortion I was called for an interview for a job that seemed promising, but obviously I wasn’t in a place to go. I can’t help but think, if only I had just waited another week before rushing into things, I would’ve probably felt more hopeful about my finances and confident about going ahead with the pregnancy. I haven’t let this go in vain though it’s kind of motivated me in a way to push through and get myself sorted so i’m hopefully never in that position again. If I knew then what I know now about how i’d feel and that job opportunities were close I never would’ve went ahead with it, but before I found out I was pregnant I just felt so low and stuck in my situation.
I also kind of have a sort of resentment towards not only myself but my partner too. I guess I feel like if he was confident and happy to go ahead with the pregnancy it would’ve filled me with more confidence. Obviously I could’ve ultimately gone ahead with it but my situation + I really do care about him and I wouldn’t have wanted the pressures of a new baby to negatively affect his mental health as well, which then would’ve likely affected his little one. I think he himself regrets our decision as well, but the timing was just not right.
Im not looking for sympathy, Idk I guess i’m not really sure what I am looking for, perhaps to vent & see whether anyone else regrets their abortion, and/or how long it took to move forward? I know it’s mine and my partner’s own fault ultimately, but i’m just kind of struggling with it all at the moment.
Anyway thanks for listening if you made it this far.