Surprise 3rd baby - help

[G535600]

I’m almost 7 weeks pregnant with DC3. DC1 and 2 are 5 and 3 - would be 6 and nearly 4 at the due date.

The pregnancy was not planned.

I have always wanted 3 kids but DH was happy to stick at 2 and I had completely accepted that - life is getting easier now we are leaving the baby years behind. I work full time and am the main breadwinner. DH is 36 and I am 37.

When I saw the positive test I was initially shocked and then delighted and now I am terrified and worried.

My main concerns are financial - we can afford a third but would mean we could save less than we otherwise would, as would have 3 more years of expensive childcare to cover - and that my time would be stretched too thin between 3 kids rather than 2, and that it might harm my career and earning potential which would affect all of us.

DH has said it is my choice but I know that he would be happy to stick with 2. I feel like I need to be 100% behind this and really want it but I’m so afraid it could be a bad thing for all of us, and time is running out to make a decision.

Bump

Hello

I didn’t want to read and run!

So our 3rd unplanned surprise is now 11 weeks old.
My DH wasn’t happy at all and wanted me to have an abortion but I just couldn’t do it, I knew I’d regret it!
I was so scared about how it would affect our family as we have a 7 (8 in July) and just turned 6 year old.

Obviously, now he’s here we wouldn’t change a thing and my DH is so happy. So everything worked out in the end.

It has been quite a juggle as the older two have activists ect!

I am also the breadwinner so will be returning to work and have a childcare bill again 😫

I think it’s normal to be worried and scared regardless of what number pregnancy it is.

Go with your gut, that’s what I did in the end. It will all work out😀

To offer a different experience I terminated what would have been my third when I was 35, my kids would’ve been 4 and 2.

It was unplanned and I’d taken the MAP so different to you. I have severe but mostly well controlled anxiety and I think, along with the multitude of practical reasons to not have another child it took hold. Plus my partner was the same as you - despite previously saying he wanted three, his preference was to abort as he was ‘happy with our two’.

After I took the abortion pill I instantly felt it was the wrong decision and it consumed me for a long time after that. I’m now nearly 37 and have been swinging back and forth about whether to try again to overcome some of the sadness. I got pregnant again but miscarried. I’d probably have aborted it because once again the fear and anxiety took hold.

I think my story is rarer than the women who feel relief after aborting an unwanted pregnancy but just wanted to share, and to advise you seek all the professional help you can before deciding to abort. You have time, don’t set yourself an arbitrary date to decide like I did.

Also this was a good read, not that yours is unplanned: https://www.sahealth.sa.gov.au/wps/wcm/connect/28051280449111208a639e961f150c7f/FINAL+Managing+stress+associated+with+unplanned+pregnancy++decision+making+March+2021.pdf?MOD=AJPERES&CACHEID=ROOTWORKSPACE-28051280449111208a639e961f150c7f-nxt5Gq5

Good luck with whatever you decide!

Thank you @Tcr1987. this pregnancy was unplanned, so same situation as you. I had several miscarriages before my first child and then needed treatment to have my kids. This time I haven’t had any of that so it feels like a miracle in some ways but also I don’t want to let superstitious thoughts like that influence me if it’s the wrong choice for our family.

I’ve got a counselling appointment booked with BPAS on Monday.

I did find the counselling sessions with BPAS helpful - I had two of them before making the decision but I think I was too far gone in terms of my anxiety around it all. Couldn’t see the wood for the trees.

I hope it helps you get some clarity. And you’re right. All I can say is that it’s a hellish situation to be in and I empathise.

I am same 36 with 2 very challenging boys I always worried I'd regret not trying for a girl but resigned it for the best. 3 years on contraception and now I am pregnant surprising and no idea what to do as it will be a big struggle Ive got new job in start next week and wanted to buy a house next year but with 3 kids will get less money for mortgage. I've got termination booked but they can't do it until 8 weeks I'm 4/5 now but not sure I can go ahead as I'll regret it no idea what to do xx

Hi @Nikkiann36 sorry you are in the same boat. I still haven’t made up my mind fully. I’m leaning towards a termination but keep having moments where I think I could have the baby after all.

Ive got a booking call with BPAS tomorrow.

If you would only really like a third baby to have a girl then it’s quite a big risk as could obviously be a boy. I’ve got one of each sex but have found myself thinking through the difference scenarios and would definitely be easier if this one was a girl as dc2 (3yo) is a girl so they could potentially share a room etc. whereas if a boy the age gap with dc1 would be 6 years so too big to share really.

I wish I wasn’t in this position and didn’t have to make this choice.

Well I didn't really think I about the sex so much I always said I'd never have an abortion unless extreme circumstances but with my other pregnancies I was so tired I had to nap on my break at work and ask my mum to watch eldest but I wouldn't be able to do that with my new job. My 3 year old wakes 4-5 times each night also and they share a room so I can't leave him to cry it out or he will wake the other, we wanted to buy 3 bed so they can have own rooms but with less money after. 3rd we definitely won't be able to afford a 4 bedroom. It's a difficult situation I can't get any clarity I feel the same I wish I didn't have this decision. I thought it's be clear cut if I wanted an abortion

How did your appointment go @Nikkiann36? Hope it's helped you to come to a decision.

I was in the same situation with an unplanned 3rd baby so am here if you need anything

Thankyou, I didn't really find the counselling helpful with making a decision to be honest. My last pregnancies I was very tired towards the end but this one I'm dropping off to sleep often and I start my new job working on a school next week so no idea how I will cope!
My appointment is over the phone on Tuesday evening which after that they'll send me abortion tablets if I want them so I'll be 7 weeks then, it seems the longer it goes on the harder it would be.
What decision did you make? I was advised to research abortion what it takes to be a mother, from what I have read the women who made a clear foot decision that they're definitely don't want any more children although their family difficult they do not regret the decision to abort but other women who were in two minds seemed to always regret it and the counselor said probably because they were unsure of what decision to make and there were rushed obviously with the timescale which I feel like is the situation I am in

Sorry to hear it wasn't hugely helpful but good to have tried at least, even if it didn't make much difference

I chose to abort (with full support of my husband). We'd always felt we only wanted two but I'd also always said I could never have an abortion so it was a kind of unsaid thing that if we had an accident we'd keep it, easy to say until you find yourself in that situation. There's nothing like a dose of reality to help you decide how you really feel.

I can't pretend the decision was easy or that it wasn't an enormous emotional rollercoaster but having been through it I can honestly say I don't regret it, sadness absolutely & a sense of what might have been but I look at the two children we have & I don't feel we made the wrong choice. It took time to process mentally & I took all the support available.

When I first saw the positive test my initial reaction was 'oh ' followed by a bit of excitement but then the reality of how life would change. I think your initial reaction gives such an insight into how you truly feel.

It's so hard to help as it's such a personal choice but hopefully just knowing you're not alone is comforting.

Just one other thing to add is don't rush a decision - totally get the sense that you need to decide asap but you do have time, 7/8 weeks is still early so please don't feel pressured into deciding sooner than you're ready to.

I think my initial reaction was like oh no! But maybe I've been romanticising having a baby on my head now and think it'll be too difficult to abort. I am really struggling with waking up all night with my 3 year old and tired slightly sickness when I wake up and no idea how I'll do that going to work. In the flip side after initial abortion call I found myself randomly welling up in the supermarket and the pharmacy qué and not sure how I'd cope with that at work. I need to keep this job regardless so we can apply for a mortgage next year but I'm also thinking of I do keep it I'll not get a house I'd dreamed of due to an extra dependant meaning we can borrow less.
We are going round in circles to be honest, I feel like I want to keep the baby but not sure how I'd manage the pregnancy and work I feel like keeping it would feel like we're about to climb Everest or take on some mammoth task or run a marathon.
I know 7/8 weeks is fairly early but I feel the longer I go on the harder it is getting as I've looked into travel systems and things but the reality brings me back to earth

Feeling emotional is definitely normal, whatever choice you make. From what you've said it sounds like you really do want to keep the baby, pregnancy is only a short time & you're already 2 months in so it'll pass by before you know it. I'm sure if you go ahead & keep it you'll manage, yes things may be different to what you planned or hoped but you'll be ok. It's such an impossible decision to make. Also remember no one will make you have an abortion, even if you have the pills in your hand you don't have to take them so it's not too late to back out until you've actually taken them.

Totally hear you about wanting to make a decision & not take too much more time as pregnancy progresses - it's a monumental choice whatever you decide so be kind to yourself

@Nikkiann36 it sounds like you want to keep the baby to me. What are the things holding you back?

@Jsh125 thank you for sharing. You make an interesting point re the reaction to the test though it doesn’t help me as I can’t really identify my own reaction - I was just shocked and confused, then happy, then terrified.

I’ve booked in for a surgical procedure next week but in my own mind haven’t finally decided. All of the head reasons say I shouldn’t have the baby - time, money, going backwards when my other kids are more independent, plus my job is really uncertain at the moment…but at the same time I’m starting to show (8 weeks today) and know that I would love this baby. But then I come back to the fact that my existing kids need to be the priority.

Sorry, think I got posters confused. How was your appointment @G535600?

I had a surgical abortion so happy to share any info or answer any questions you might have.

The head versus heart is so difficult, in my head there were millions of reasons not to keep it but my heart said different. I looked at the 2 children we had & thought how could we possibly not want a 3rd but at the same time though how can we be considering another & totally changing our current family dynamic & the opportunities we can afford them. I'm sure it would be been fine if we'd gone ahead but it was hard choice either way.

@G535600
My two children are very challenging one is having his autism assessment and the other is three and also very challenging and wakes up three four times each night. I am about to start a new job and finding the early part of this pregnancy really difficult so I'm not sure how I would cope with that and also there is the financial implication and the moment I have just started to get some time back for myself and some independence. We had decided last year not to try for a girl/anymore for these reasons. I do feel like I want to keep it but then I think but how on earth would I cope mentally

I got pregnant with 3rd and aborted. Biggest mistake of my life. I still think about baby till this day. I was 8 weeks and 4 days. I feel pain writing this.

Got pregnant a few months later due to the guilt. Had anxiety again but didn't pick the phone up for an abortion. I promising myslrf no matter how hard it would be just keep going. I have a lovely baby girl next to me right now.

I had all the same fears as you. But things just fall into place even with money and attention. Children get used to it.. it's hard but the joy is amazing. There are good days, bad days and extremely wonderful days. You build up a routine and short cuts and it works . I don't know what overcame me when I had that abortion. I know I was very sick but I wish I had more time to manage that pregnancy or speak to someone instead of feeling like death was approaching me. Whatever decision you take speak with a counsellor before.

@heartbroken22 I felt like I was more to keep the baby but the past few days I've barely been able to do the bare minimum and take care of my existing children and start a new job on Monday so I feel more tired need to abort now, I have telephone appointment Tues then they'll send me tablets how ever long that takes. I've had 2 counselling sessions so far which didn't help my decision tbh

@Nikkiann36 obviously it's 100 percent your choice. Is it the tiredness and not being able to do anything bothering you? They initial weeks are hard but you do get relief at some point but I totally get it. Your comment made me remember the days before when I thought everything was impossible. Do what's best for you.

In my other pregnancies I suffered really bad with heartburn and heart palpitations I was often in a and e and serious exhaustion but the was late on so the sickness and that starting so early now I don't think I can cope especially when I have to keep my new job. Until the last 2 days when it got alot worse I was romanticising having the baby and more to keep it but I feel now more against it and less emotional about it but I'm still worried about the regret

@Nikkiann36 some sickness in terms of HG is worse in some pregnancies than others. Is it the sickness the main thing? It's totally your choice what you do.

I had the termination and got pregnant 3 months later due to the guilt. But I prepared for the sickness. B6 and b12 vitamins helps a lot. Could you get a fit note if it's that bad? I chose not to take the anti sickness because it made me feel worse. Mentally trained my mind to just let it all out when the sickness came.

The regret stays but only you know how you feel. I know if I didn't have the pills with me I wouldn't have taken them.

I'm sorry you felt that way, I definitely won't be having anymore in the future. I was really for keeping the baby but with the sickness Im not sure why it made me think about things I already considered but more practically and less emotionally and without romanticising having the baby so I seem at the moment confident with the decision, I'm waiting for the pills to be delivered. We wouldn't be able to take a family of 5 on holiday each year like we usually do we'd need new cars and less money for our mortgage and our boys would still have to share rooms, my boys are very challenging and one wakes 4-5 times each night. Keeping it would feel like I'm about to run a marathon or start climbing Everest an uphill battle for the next 4-5 years and going back to having pushchairs and nappies and putting a 1 year old in nursery which for me isn't good I think babies are best with mums until 2. I'm not sure if I'll go through with it but I feel better now. My partner was more to abort but it was up to me and now he's feeling bad about my decision.

I am in the same situation and I am so torn have DD 6 and DS 15 months always wanted a 3rd and found out yesterday I’m pregnant despite using condoms. We lead a busy life and I’m worried about the juggle with 3 my heart and head want different things. Hope your okay OP sending hugs