Post Abortion Regret..

[yexxl5]

Hi everyone i’m 26 and I recently had a medical abortion. At the time it felt like the best option because my partner and I both have quite a lot going on and didn’t think it was a good idea to bring a baby into the mix at the time. I was climbing out of a depression after struggling to find a new job, plus I’m sifting through some debt from university and my partner has a little one from a previous relationship & so felt like he was only just financially and mentally getting his life back on track now that she’s in primary school.

This was my first ever pregnancy and it was super unexpected, we are usually careful but I guess not careful enough. I think in the moment we both panicked and made a decision that we felt was not only right for ourselves, but also for the potential baby (given our situations).

I found out around 4 weeks and time kind of went by while we tried to figure out what to do. I kept debating and felt like if I chose to keep it that it would be selfish of me in a way. I’ve always wanted children and I know some people consider it a ball of cells at that stage, but I started growing attached and was afraid that if we didn’t keep it it would hurt even more after prolonging the process, so I quickly went ahead with a medical abortion at 6 weeks.

Immediately after the abortion I began regretting it. Now, all I see are other pregnant people, scan photos and baby bumps and I can’t help but feel like I made a very silly and irrational mistake here. I think about what our baby would’ve looked like, who they would’ve grown to become etc. I was still going through it during Mother’s Day which stung a bit. I’m just really struggling mentally and can feel myself ever so slowly slipping back into a depression.

On one hand, I think we could’ve made it work as many people in even worse situations do, that in a way my partner and I are selfish for not taking responsibility and making it work. But then on the other hand, I think we just weren’t ready it wouldn’t have been fair on the baby. We both haven’t had the best upbringing so we really didn’t want to subject a baby to something similar.

Ironically early into the abortion I was called for an interview for a job that seemed promising, but obviously I wasn’t in a place to go. I can’t help but think, if only I had just waited another week before rushing into things, I would’ve probably felt more hopeful about my finances and confident about going ahead with the pregnancy. I haven’t let this go in vain though it’s kind of motivated me in a way to push through and get myself sorted so i’m hopefully never in that position again. If I knew then what I know now about how i’d feel and that job opportunities were close I never would’ve went ahead with it, but before I found out I was pregnant I just felt so low and stuck in my situation.

I also kind of have a sort of resentment towards not only myself but my partner too. I guess I feel like if he was confident and happy to go ahead with the pregnancy it would’ve filled me with more confidence. Obviously I could’ve ultimately gone ahead with it but my situation + I really do care about him and I wouldn’t have wanted the pressures of a new baby to negatively affect his mental health as well, which then would’ve likely affected his little one. I think he himself regrets our decision as well, but the timing was just not right.

Im not looking for sympathy, Idk I guess i’m not really sure what I am looking for, perhaps to vent & see whether anyone else regrets their abortion, and/or how long it took to move forward? I know it’s mine and my partner’s own fault ultimately, but i’m just kind of struggling with it all at the moment.

Anyway thanks for listening if you made it this far.

I'm so sorry for your loss and thank you for opening up. I hope you can reach some resolution.

Please don’t hate me. I’m 42 found out we were pregnant I thought I was pre menopausal! Obvs not. At first I was excited scared but excited other half instantly panicked and it turned into a negative discussion in the sense of money both are ages. So then I instantly started to worry about things like when I’d stop working it would be down to him to pay for most things he is terrible with money. And at 42 I didn’t want to have no money for the other children and just general life. Anyway I got big quickly Would if been 3rd pregnancy. I was only 7 weeks but huge!! Couldn’t hide it . From one day to the next I was up and Down terrified one day excited the next? I felt rough as nuts every day all day!! And tired. Some days partner would be all for it then negative the next so it really messed with my head also made me think people would think I’m discusting and dirty to have a baby at my age stupid I know but it was a real rollercoaster of emotion! I had the medical pill 3 weeks ago it was horrific I’m still bleeding now belly still swollen still feel pregnant some days and now thinking I’m regretting it I dream that I tell partner we made wrong choice and want to be pregnant again . I wish I could of seen the future but what’s done is done did anyone else feel like this

Hi....
I am going through exactly the same not being able to cope with the regret having made my choice fast. My current situation has made it seem too difficult to keep, being single and struggling with loneliness or depression seems to go in pair lately... i couldnt imagine being able to look after it.. but now i am thinking.. was this my blessing and a start for a new life? I havw perceived it all so negatively but i am worried this was meant to be the good thing in my life... i was so scared to do it alone.. just wanted to see if there is anyone who is also in the raw stage of regret needing to talk who actually understands....

I had an abortion a year ago this month and there has not been a day where I haven’t thought about what could have been.

I had been with my partner 2 years, I was 22 and he was 23 at the time. I was struggling with PCOS even while taking the pill so decided to come off birth control to let my body take its natural course. I was tracking ovulation (as I was worried my body wasn’t actually ovulating) and being somewhat careful with sex. Within a few months I found out I was pregnant and I couldn’t believe it, I felt relieved as I was so worried about my future fertility and PCOS. I told my partner the news and he instantly said his life would be ruined , I knew he wouldn’t be ready to have a baby but his reaction hurt me and is still something I replay in my mind. I now feel so much resentment to him for how he dealt with the situation and I feel gave me no other option but to have an abortion. He also knew my worries about infertility and how I would struggle to come to terms with the abortion but said how he couldn’t promise that we would stay together which is why I had the abortion. He did promise to be there for me if I chose to end the pregnancy.

I remember at this time how he wouldn’t touch my stomach which is another image I have constantly playing through my mind. Now, when he touches me especially on the stomach I can’t help but replay that memory. I knew deep down I wanted to keep the baby but I didn’t want to risk my relationship and I didn’t have my own house, and people around me told me I have a brighter future than just being a mum, career wise as I am studying to become a Chartered Accountant. After the abortion I felt fine , I was sad but I managed to carry on with life as normal, I had the Mirena coil put in as contraception which caused me nothing but problems. I have been backwards and forwards with the doctors who have prescribed more and more painkillers for intense cramping and eventually got referred to a gynaecologist who was no help either. The coil had been in 10 months and I knew it was causing the pain, although not confirmed by any doctor but I couldn’t bring myself to have it removed due to the stress and anxiety of another pregnancy, but I feel the artificial hormones are making me feel down and depressed, along with the abortion which has recently taken over my thoughts. I am also struggling with a lack of sex drive , partly due to the pain after intercourse but also because my mind cannot escape the guilt and resentment of my abortion.

When on the pill I went through depression and like most people do have down spells , I’ve tried CBT (not since having the abortion) which I didn't find that helpful. My partner knows how I feel towards him, how I resent him for how he acted before my abortion and he has apologised and said he often thinks about whether it was the right decision but this doesn’t change anything for me.

im now at the point where I don’t enjoy his company, I hate any physical touch and am just constantly down and upset about the abortion which happened a year ago. We have bought a house together this year, which I feel was a distraction for me, but now I feel even worse about the abortion because we now have a house and everything which was part of the reasoning he gave me before as to why the timing wasn’t right. My mood is affecting our whole relationship and I feel guilty as he is struggling to talk to me and I know I am difficult to be around at times. I just feel so sad constantly, the mention of babies or pregnancy is enough to set me off. I’m not sure what to do with myself. A few weeks ago I decided to have the coil taken out due to the pain it was causing me and the hope that my mood would improve, so I need to give this time but part of me feels like I will never feel the same towards my partner. Yet at the same time I feel like I want to become a mum, however then I feel more guilty about the abortion and the fact that I would still be putting my career etc on hold.

Im still struggling more so now I think, I can’t believe what I’ve done :( all because my mental health and mind wasn’t in a good place. But I made the worst choice, I’m sending love to everyone… it’s not easy, but we must remember we are human x

I think its important that our reasons were valid at the time.
For me, all my reasons at the time didnt allow me to consider keeping it, not in a relationship (broke things off just before i found out), living away from my family, not doing well in general health wise, and life has been daunting lately.
And today, i am a week since i have done the medical abortion (still bleeding) im beating myself up for this decision because i wish i was braver and took the challenge on, because now i think maybe this is what i needed in my life to turn it around to be amazing .. maybe this was my missing piece of puzzle.
On the flip side, thinking that way, i will become bitter and upset for the rest of my life.
I am trying to accept that maybe this wasnt my time, and my fears were valid and that my fantasy of it being the amazing turn in life also could have been the risk of pushing my down the dark hole and pushing my mental health to another level, what if i would have been a bad mum because wasnt coping on my own and actually it being something that completely ruins things for me and therefore for the child.
I have read about the soul contracts - its not religious but helps to think that we have a contract with the souls before we make a decision and the decision is made together subconsciously.
We want to be ready and give them all of our all.
I have written in my notes all my reasons when i did it, to look back when i am down...
I also try to pick up in the moments of the day i am doing something i wouldnt have been able to do if i kept it.. maybe this will help..
I am writing this as if i got it all together, but i dont... i actually today feel that my reasons seemed bigger than they are when im fine... wish someone has breathed in confidence in me at the time.. a small nudge.. instead i was swallowed by panic and fear...

In the exact same boat as a couple of you here. Had a medical A in late 20s with no regrets, then had one just this past weekend at the age of 34 with my partner at my side.

With new information about his finances, we knew it would have been a struggle and he has two older children from a previous. I didn’t expect it since I’m ever the practical one but I was so sad even before arranging the at home MA. I’ve been crying each day since and recently getting counsel from dear friends after reaching out (that took courage).

I am somewhat resentful that he only revealed his true financial situation to me when we found out we were pregnant (we had a scan at five weeks and I felt happy). It made all the difference to my decision. I wished he was on board. I’m also resentful to my mother who wasn’t supportive during my first MA and who I don’t feel comfortable sharing this trauma with now.

I’ve not long come back to the country to settle after some time travelling. I have some money saved but not earning enough for a mortgage and my self-employment isn’t stable. I’ve been applying for employed work to no avail.

Only after I had taken all the pills and started passing the pregnancy did I have an image of me with this baby in my arms - content and at peace. What a cruel cruel game for my mind to play.

Would our relationship have survived? Would I have resented him for them having the baby - and vice versa? Would we have found the right place to live and grow in these mad times in the Uk right now?

Problem is that we just can’t ever know and I believe that we must have faith in our decisions at the time, no matter how hard they came to us. We may have wished we followed our minds, not hearts. Hope we can all find peace.

Im so sorry to learn that there is so many of us.
I am also still struggling it hasnt been even two weeks yet for me. It will be at the weekend.
And i have had exactly the same, i was so set on my decision - that this is the worst time ever, despite of the fact that my dream is to have a family and and babies, and it felt like a no brainer for me that i cannot keep it due to my circumstances. Then as soon as i took the first pill i wanted to take it all back, and even researched that sometimes you can carry on with the pregnancy after the first pill.. and i have hesitated to take the second stage 24hrs later, but we have up to 48hrs.. so i went to sleep trying to calm myself down without taking it.. but in the morning i woke up to a pain not from this world shaking and started bleeding - so i went ahead with the second stage not wanting to risk it having defects... that would have been more selfish than my heartbreak now...
But i am exactly the same, i have regrets and cant stop thinking and imagining now revealing to people im pregnant because i would have been 8 weeks now, so would have been able to tell people... but there is no baby... its so cruel..
There are waves for me, some moments i am ok... some really not.. and i want to isolate myself from the world... i try very hard to imagine myself and my feelings and how vulnerable i felt when i found out, and when i made the decision.. and try to give that girl compassion and understanding, even if i feel all brave now... i was at rock bottom emotionally... and maybe its not enough of a justification but my close family believes i am having a mental breakdown so i am hoping this truly was something out of my conscious mind... otherwise i dont know how i will bare living with this ....

Hi love…

So so sorry about your pain. I can only imagine - I didn’t have family ever in the forefront on my mind and still I feel this way. Saw your message earlier and my heart went out to you - wanted to take time to reply properly…

If it is at all, any comfort, I would be happy to keep in touch during this difficult period and I am starting to see a light. It’s felt easier for me today but I’m predicting more lows. I do believe that you did the right thing and hope you look upon your past self with kindness. You were so brave to take that final step. Please be kind to yourself. We can’t see into the future which is a big part of the pain but I hope you will one day look back with self-compassion.

I am realising some tips on how to cope and hope this will help some of you:

• Opening up to a select few that you really trust and who know you (not partner)
• Taking time out (I’m going to stay away at a friends this weekend - petsitting also crossed my mind)
• Finding space to cry it out (a long private walk, separate room late at night with teddy in arms!)
• A somatic therapy technique of talking to your past self in that moment and acting with understanding/unconditional love

Wishing you ladies and your partners all the love to get you through.

I would love to keep in touch.
There is no partner, and friends can only talk about it so much without being too much for them.
My mum has been a support in her own way, first conversation she was reassuring but since she asks me to "close this chapter" and not talk about it.. and in some way I trust her that maybe that is a good way.. but some days i feel like im over boiling in my head... and it circles back to my initial feeling of feeling isolated ...
I think it would be nice to have someone to talk to who is going through a similar thing emotionally...

PM sent x

Hi, it’s been a while for me since I truly talked about this. Was really struggling with my emotions on regret. Was comforting to read that I’m not alone. If anyone would like to talk I would really need it right now

Hi Stargaze, was there something that made you come to find support today in particular? <3

Still struggling mine was July, will never be ok with my decision 💔

Hi I just came across this thread and it is comforting to read others have felt the same as me. I am currently going through a medical abortion and have regretted it instantly I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve done the wrong thing and am so angry with myself. I have a 7 month old baby and panicked when I found out I was pregnant, I worked out I’d be 7 weeks and the NHS appointments couldn’t fit me in for a consultation for almost 2 weeks. I convinced myself that I needed to terminate the pregnancy and couldn’t wait two weeks so I paid £500 privately online and I’m just kicking myself there is no care or concern at all and I just think I’m so stupid to have done this. I called the place and had to pay the £500 before even speaking to a Dr, they then transferred me straight through and he talked me through the medication and what to do, the pills arrived the following day and I took the first one straight away. I just think I acted on impulse and panic and I’m so angry that places are allowed to do this (and I let them)!. I just wish so much I had waited the 2 weeks, by which point I know I will have decided to continue the pregnancy or if not will have atleast had time to really think it through. I’m so emotional and haven’t slept properly in so long because my little one is teething and up at night I think I felt overwhelmed and panicked in the moment, making an impulsive decision. Now all I can think about is how incredible it would be for my little one to have had a sibling so close in age growing up together. I am trying to focus on the positives that I do have my little one and can put my focus into him but I just regret my decision so much :(

I've learned that space to grieve certainly helps, as well as reaching out to people that you feel have your best interests at heart, plus the patience with yourself to know that it is a long process of healing.

It seems we have a few things in common: feeling rushed or pressured in some way to make a decision, feeling overwhelmed by the concept either way, and feeling alone. ARCH is a charity based in Scotland who are available most of the time in the working week and evenings on weekends. They are available whenever someone needs to talk and I advise that, as well as time away to just be sad.

It's a process and it's all wrapped up in the 'what ifs'. What we have power over is what happens next <3

I am glad I am not alone. I had surgical abortion late after taking a long time to decide if I am ready for the baby. I already have a son and i always wanted to give him sibling. However I am 43 and I did the typical mistake. Started to read about old mothers and link to autism and I panicked. I was going around in circles in my head “what if” My partner was more less against it from beginning but same as I someone already mentioned here he doesn’t see where he went wrong by influencing me. Saying It was only his opinion. I am struggling to come to terms with what I did and I will forever blame myself. It was also a very traumatic and painful procedure for me. I can’t look at pregnant mothers, I can’t look at babies because every time I do I burst into tears. I don’t believe in counselling . Tried it before and they just let you pour your heart out but no real advise can be given. They can’t anyway. I have to come to terms with it by myself. I have since joined numerous petitions against abortion or at least bring the limit down to max 19weeks. I think we live in the world were everything is so accessible without any professional assessments which leads us to making wrong impulsive decisions.
When I have cross checked the actual 1967 Abortion act it stays the abortion is only allowed if continuance of the pregnancy would be greater risk if the pregnancies were terminated. You are also to be assessed by two medical practitioners. None assessed my state of mind, nobody said if I want to change my mind or why am I terminating the pregnancy. And I was there crying my eyes out. Being so not sure of my decision. Law has to change and I would be strong supporter to only grant the abortion medically and ban surgical unless special circumstances. I am looking to create a support group with woman going trough the surgical procedure, maybe that will help me cope with the bitter sorrow. So please message me if you have been trough surgical abortion and what is your coping mechanism. Lots of love to everyone.

it’s been really nice, although difficult to read through this thread. Nice to know I’m not alone, although I know in my heart I made the right decision, it does not make it easier at all. I had my MA 2.5 weeks ago now, it was a rushed decision as I knew if I dwelled I would talk myself round. I feel dreadful at what others go through trying to conceive and I so carelessly got pregnant, it was my first period after having my youngest so I was 6 weeks postpartum, I was waiting for my docs appointment for my contraception and my period came first, me and other half were very careful and used same pullout method as we used for 6 months when trying for our last baby (came off my birth control 6m before we wanted to try but wouldn’t have been an issue if got pregnant in that space)
when I worked out my weeks I would have been 8 weeks so it was panic station, I rang and booked in, husband came with me but the night before he was checking in with me and saying that we didn’t have to go through with it and he wanted to talk, I selfishly refused and said no it’s not feasible for my body after just 6 weeks postpartum, as much as I didn’t want to go ahead with the MA I knew I also couldn’t physically carry another child so soon, I have 3 children in total and this last baby was a hard pregnancy and struggled all the way through, I couldn’t walk or stand long due to PGP and even physio didn’t help much. Anyway off we went to the clinic, they were amazing but they wouldn’t let my husband in and he was really upset about that on the way home which made me feel guilty- we’ve spoken since and he said he wanted to be there for me and to own it.
when I got home I ignored everything and wasn’t until that night I locked myself away and had the first tablet, I just cried the whole time, and the next day on my own with my youngest and the bleeding had started was awful. I kept picturing the two of them together when they were older and with our other children too and feeling like I was so selfish to put my own needs first. I took the second set 2 nights later and me and husband have cried so much, I apologised for pushing him to the side in the decision making but I knew I didn’t want another year of how the last year went and that we would have tried to make it work somehow even though physically and financially it was absolutely impossible. He is absolutely amazing and my rock, constantly checking on me, and being so patient. I know this will stay with us forever and will never get easier.
I have been so ill since Christmas and I am 3 days off taking the test to check it worked so I am so worried now that it’s been unsuccessful, when I went into the clinic and they scanned I was 6 weeks not 8, all that was there was a sac nothing else so it could of easily been lost with the bleeding, I don’t think I could go cope mentally with a surgical if it has failed so I’m extra tense. I’ve only told one friend so it’s been difficult to navigate I know other friends and family will be there but I don’t want a constant reminder of it at the same time.

sorry for the long post. I really needed somewhere to vent that all out and some tears again

I went through a termination when my partner said he would never forgive me if I went through with it and he had a 'breakdown' so I went through with it as he said we could try again in the future. He then left me five weeks later. I was/am still heartbroken.

It's been a couple years since it happened and at that time every year I get really upset, which friends don't understand. I also work with children and all my friends now have children which I think makes it harder.

I would love to chat to anyone who would like to x

Hiya everyone, I’ve spent some time today reading this thread. I am 38yrs old, with three children 15/16/18… all are fantastic. I’ve been with my partner 10months. He’s older than me and very much serves his needs before mine I feel- we do not live together. My copper coil failed and I found out I was pregnant in jan. He pushed me to abort and when I dug my heels in he used the tactic of turning his back on me just enough that I knew he was losing interest or that I simply just wasn’t his thing. He wouldn’t ebetertain the idea of us having a baby and told me how silly it would be due to our ages, the kids we have, finances and living situation. Last week he then accused the baby of being the product of an affair.. I’ve never felt so hurt or so scared! There’s no way I can manage a baby financially and my house isn’t big enough- my boys already share and I never have enough money to get through the month (I’m a student vet nurse). On wed i took tablet 1 of the MA, I was 9 weeks pregnant. Thursday I completed it. I’ve never felt such regret and anger. The hard thing is that I took these tablets thinking I had no future with my partner, therefore couldn’t do this alone… now he’s been lovely and I want him. My eldest knows and feels he’s got away with bullying me and now he’s back as normal. He feels an abortion was the wrong thing to do. I’m now torn and angry. I’ve made such a mistake based on fear and scaremongering that I’ve compromised my own well being and morals!

I have 5 kids and im 34 . i found out i was pregnant just before xmas and was shocked my partner suggested an abortion as he thought it wouldnt be fair on the other kids to be able to give everyone the time and attention they all need . i thought about it going back and forth in my mind as what to do .. what was the right thing for my family ? well i should if questioned what about my mental health how will that effect my family . i left it so long to decide to not continue being pregnant mainly based on how sick i was i became a burden on my family . i was too ill for my first doctor appointment and went again and the doctor said i was medically unwell and referred me to the hospital at 9weeks 4 days , i received a call to go for a scan hardest thing in my life a proper baby with fingers and toes not a blob the lady printed out a scan and i changed my mind and than became severely sick again and my partner hurt his back so i went ahead again i feel at this stage i was on autopilot . i went to hospital on the 16th of feb and got a d and c. ive done nothing but cry since im heartbroken .. what have i done its all my fault i took away my baby i will live with guilt and regret forever i wish more than anythink i could turn back time i wish i was told no that i couldnt have one i had it at 11 weeks and 4 days ill never get over this if i could save one person from this hurt atleast my own pain wont be in vain . please dont do it if any doubt at all dont go ahead you will regret your decision and blame yourself forever you wont regret having a baby once its here you will manage time will heal but i will never heal i dont even want to be here anymore and now i have to try be okay for my other kids but im in too much pain . its so hard

I’m totally hearing what you’re saying and I myself had these thoughts about never regretting a baby… I hope you’re ok. I’ve got some counselling coming from arch I think it is. I’m going through the exact same feelings as you are and happy to chat and listen jklrck. We can’t be too hard on ourselves. We are the ones suffering.

@sadblonde
I hope your counselling goes well when it starts. I did some counselling a few years ago, and also went on a Rachel's Vineyard retreat (I'm not religious, but they said anyone was welcome). I found it helpful to talk to people who understoood, and some who'd been through the same thing. I'd been to one counselling session with BPAS before then, but didn't find that one so helpful, it probably depends on whether it's the right counsellor for you I guess.
I'm thinking of looking at counselling again. I find it helps for a while, but for me the feelings of grief and regret tend to re-surface over time.

I think the thing keeping me going is that now I know I want this it’s an option on the near future. I don’t think my partner will want to but he didn’t care how I felt about this and I was backed into a corner. I’ve seen now now another lady said that the little worries don’t seem important now. I wish I’d found this thread before I did it. X