TW - termination
Didn’t want to put in pregnancy choices as it’s not overly active and hope for some quick advice. So sorry it’s long. I would be grateful if you stay with it or even skim xx
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Me and DP always planned to TTC this year but recently due to savings and high interest rates planned to set it back to autumn of this year, November or December time. This is mainly to enable us to save harder, me to upgrade my 3 door car, buy a house this year and furnish it nicely (currently renting and prices in the midlands are mind boggling).
The condom we were using split and this was CD14 so I thought I had already ovulated therefore there would be no point getting the MAP. Fast forward a couple of weeks and I’ve had several positive tests.
I’m only 22 will be just turned 23 when baby is born, but it just sounds and is so terribly young, doesn’t it? DP is 25. We marry next year and like I say we were hoping to buy a house this year, as it stands we’re renting and I’m now very worried that buying will be impossible as everyone says to buy before kids or you never will. Trying to save for a deposit will certainly be hard when we are trying to buy baby equipment and everything a baby needs. This house is fine for now- it’s home and we have a small spare room but could definitely do with more space. I have just landed on my feet within my career, as has DP. We are both earning nurse/teacher type starter wages without giving away what we do and are workaholics, we’re lucky to both be passionate about what we do.
I felt so mature and with the world at my feet only a few months ago and it’s now come crashing down and the reality has sunk in as to how naive and young I actually am.
I haven’t stopped crying since I found out, mainly selfish worries for our future if we can’t buy a house and the impact this might have on our (3 year) relationship- we’d never be just us again. I rang my GP and self referred to BPAS, already had a consultation and the early medical pills arrived by post today. I’m very early, 4 weeks exactly going by LMP so would calculate me as due in early November. I feel hollow. I worry about the regret of having a baby in less than ideal circumstances, but I worry about the regret of deciding to not continue and feeling grief. I don’t feel ready to be pregnant given our precarious situation: unmarried and still renting - even if those things are to change soon it’s still not the best for a baby, is it? Nor have we had the happy moment of finding out together, we were both a bit numb by it.
All it took was once so it is a relief to know fertility is not a problem. It just seems so glib and selfish to be given what so many people in the world want and decide it’s not the right time. DP says the most important thing is that I feel happy and he says we will make any choice ‘work’. No pressure from him either way just my own inner turmoil.
We’re soon going to have a new niece too, as in, within the next month, and I don’t want that to cause me upset and make me distance myself as it wouldn’t be fair on the wider family. I work with babies too and other than getting signed off, forever, there’s no avoiding that.
How on earth could I justify trying again in late 2023 even if our circumstances have changed by then? I don’t know what the point to this post is, I thought I’d made up my mind on the consultation yesterday but when the nurse said that I could change my mind right up until the minute before taking the pills it threw me. If I am going to do it though, I need to do it early for my own sanity before I begin to develop any symptoms and before it’s any worse than a heavier period.
Please be kind- I know how naive I must sound but I am really struggling right now and can’t see a ‘happy’ route.