Will I regret this decision? TW

[daffodi]

TW - termination

Didn’t want to put in pregnancy choices as it’s not overly active and hope for some quick advice. So sorry it’s long. I would be grateful if you stay with it or even skim xx

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Me and DP always planned to TTC this year but recently due to savings and high interest rates planned to set it back to autumn of this year, November or December time. This is mainly to enable us to save harder, me to upgrade my 3 door car, buy a house this year and furnish it nicely (currently renting and prices in the midlands are mind boggling).

The condom we were using split and this was CD14 so I thought I had already ovulated therefore there would be no point getting the MAP. Fast forward a couple of weeks and I’ve had several positive tests.

I’m only 22 will be just turned 23 when baby is born, but it just sounds and is so terribly young, doesn’t it? DP is 25. We marry next year and like I say we were hoping to buy a house this year, as it stands we’re renting and I’m now very worried that buying will be impossible as everyone says to buy before kids or you never will. Trying to save for a deposit will certainly be hard when we are trying to buy baby equipment and everything a baby needs. This house is fine for now- it’s home and we have a small spare room but could definitely do with more space. I have just landed on my feet within my career, as has DP. We are both earning nurse/teacher type starter wages without giving away what we do and are workaholics, we’re lucky to both be passionate about what we do.

I felt so mature and with the world at my feet only a few months ago and it’s now come crashing down and the reality has sunk in as to how naive and young I actually am.

I haven’t stopped crying since I found out, mainly selfish worries for our future if we can’t buy a house and the impact this might have on our (3 year) relationship- we’d never be just us again. I rang my GP and self referred to BPAS, already had a consultation and the early medical pills arrived by post today. I’m very early, 4 weeks exactly going by LMP so would calculate me as due in early November. I feel hollow. I worry about the regret of having a baby in less than ideal circumstances, but I worry about the regret of deciding to not continue and feeling grief. I don’t feel ready to be pregnant given our precarious situation: unmarried and still renting - even if those things are to change soon it’s still not the best for a baby, is it? Nor have we had the happy moment of finding out together, we were both a bit numb by it.

All it took was once so it is a relief to know fertility is not a problem. It just seems so glib and selfish to be given what so many people in the world want and decide it’s not the right time. DP says the most important thing is that I feel happy and he says we will make any choice ‘work’. No pressure from him either way just my own inner turmoil.

We’re soon going to have a new niece too, as in, within the next month, and I don’t want that to cause me upset and make me distance myself as it wouldn’t be fair on the wider family. I work with babies too and other than getting signed off, forever, there’s no avoiding that.

How on earth could I justify trying again in late 2023 even if our circumstances have changed by then? I don’t know what the point to this post is, I thought I’d made up my mind on the consultation yesterday but when the nurse said that I could change my mind right up until the minute before taking the pills it threw me. If I am going to do it though, I need to do it early for my own sanity before I begin to develop any symptoms and before it’s any worse than a heavier period.

Please be kind- I know how naive I must sound but I am really struggling right now and can’t see a ‘happy’ route.

Thank you @GetOffMyFace. So pleased to hear that. Was it harder TTC your 2yo or was it straightforward? I think this is what I’m most worried about, the impact on fertility (though we must have had microscopic chances in our situation and still managed to, so surely it’s a good sign for the future)

No trouble conceiving at all. You have time on your side being so young, I highly doubt you'll have problems with fertility in the future.
Be kind to yourself and do what you think is right for you

I was in a similar position to you 12 years op. Aged 25, unmarried, been with dp 2 years at the time, renting. Quite a shock but we went ahead and bought a house later that year (appreciate they weren’t as expensive then). We went for a new build as they helped towards deposit. Bought baby things second hand for a fraction of the price. You can always make it work but if you’re not ready, you’re not ready. I like the coin idea to see how you feel deep down

I would have the baby. 6 months time is nothing, baby stuff only costs £2k if you want it to cost £2k.
You will have to pay for childcare whether you have this baby or one 6 months later and a small wedding can happen in the next few months.

I had my eldest in my late teens, in much less than ideal circumstances and I don't regret it one bit.

But that's me. That's what
I would do, and my experience. You've had other people's opinions on what they would do/have done, but realistically none of us can tell you for sure how you will feel either way, no one can guarantee that your 6 month plan will pan out.

If you were planning on waiting 5 yrs then yes abort but 6 months? Can't you just buy a house now, so the 3 months payslips are before birth? Then you are secure and in, just live with crap furniture etc. Registry office marriage with parents. Easy.

Me and my DH have never been closer than since having our first baby 12 weeks ago. It's the best thing we ever did - we're both so much happier.

I know a lot of people who find it v hard though, but wanted to share my experience that I was nothing like I expected. It's just lovely. We already want more and wonder why we ever waited so long.

We bottle feed and sleep in shifts overnight in separate rooms though, so we both get 7-8 hours sleep a night which is probably unusual for newborn parents. Would highly recommend bottle feeding and sleeping in shifts if you find sleep deprivation hard.

Wanted to add the above message on your worry that it would harm your relationship ^ fyi

Honestly, this has to be your own decision. Don't let anyone influence you one way or the other.

I actually agree with PP's suggestion to toss a coin. I think you will be swaying more towards one option in your heart, neither of which are wrong. See if you are feeling more relief at the idea of being out of this situation or more regret that you're not in the ideal position because you would like to keep a baby.

I can tell you what happened to me and maybe there might be something useful in there.

I fell pregnant at a young age. I did initially decide to keep it, but my finances and personal situation were dire, I changed my mind and had the termination. I can't say it didn't affect me, but that was also because I was further along and I'd got used to the idea of having a baby. But I did also feel very relieved.

Once I'd had a child later in life, I felt more confident that it had been the right decision. Motherhood is very hard and I would have struggled more than I could have foreseen.

I don't regret that I got to spend more time living child free and having the experiences that I did. But I do feel sad sometimes that I couldn't have had the same pregnancy at another time when I would have been in a better position.

Wishing you all the best whatever you choose 🌺🌺🌺

I felt so mature and with the world at my feet only a few months ago and it’s now come crashing down and the reality has sunk in as to how naive and young I actually am.

I disagree, you actually sound far from naive and one of the most mature posters on here.

No one can make the decision for you, unfortunately only you can. I had my first child in my early 20's (bit younger than you), the baby wasn't planned but when I found I was pregnant I new I just couldn't have an abortion, my partner at the time told me I was getting an abortion but I just couldn't do it. But It was hard work, you have this baby to look after forever you (& dad) are the one who has to tend to it's every needs, if your not 100% ready for a baby (emotionally) it's going to be really hard work.
I had another child a few years later (who was planned). I no that if I fell pregnant now I would have an abortion cos I don't want anymore children. Luckily you have a bit of time to think about what your going to do. You have to make the right decision and no matter what decision that is and long as it's right for you it's the right one.

Everyone has doubts but it does seem quite an extreme reaction. Is there any part of you that actually feels happy OP, or like you want the baby, or is it just guilt?

DH and I discussed whether to wait or just lake nature take it’s course when we were engaged.
We said nature - I was pregnant on honeymoon.
And it was a shock - which is silly really but that’s human nature.
We had little money, a mortgage and no family support and DH was in the middle of professional exams - which he continued to do some some years after. Now that baby is 18. It’s going to be ok OP. It’s possible you are just really shocked. We try to plan our lives as it makes us feel safer. But really we can’t.
It’s ok to not take the tablets.
All our friends told us we were too young to marry. We did it anyway. Have been together for a long time. It doesn’t matter what the plans are or what others think. You do you.

I agree with this ^

Life is hard enough - I don’t think you’re crazy to want some financial and practical security before having a baby.

Don’t be afraid to do what feels right for you right now. You don’t have to justify that and you don’t have to justify whatever happens next.

As someone who has been in your position do what you know in your head is best for you! I was in your shoes six years ago and it was honestly the hardest decision I've ever made but I know now that I definately made the right decision. I was 21 and still studying and nowhere near ready for a baby. My partner and I couldn't afford it and were still studying towards our careers. We knew in time when we both decided we were ready we would have our baby. Fast forward to now and we're still together with our darling baby girl who we love more than anything. Even now I sometimes question if I made the right decision but I know for sure I did and even more relatable to you, just after my termination we found out my SIL was pregnant. That really hurt and although we love our nephew so much, after watching her struggle with money etc, we knew we had made the right decision. In the end it's all about you and you are the only one who has to accept your decision, no one else💖

'I am very scared of ever facing fertility issues though'

Realistically most people don't and you already know you can conceive.
Something you have to also bear in mind is that you aren't guaranteed a healthy child, with no disabilities or additional needs. You've got to be prepared for that possibility and still want to go ahead, ready to love and accept your child as they are because not everything can be picked up on scans and tests beforehand.

What are your partner's thoughts?

What would you regret more in ten years time? Renting for an extra year? Having mismatched second hand furniture for a few years? Not having a new car? Not having a child?

I've been there, OP, I can really relate. There's nothing worse. I was so hideously conflicted. I cried as soon as I found out, and just couldn't look feel good about it. It didn't feel like something I wanted. At the same time, it was doable "on paper", and how could we terminate a life? Etc etc. the time pressure is awful too.

I did terminate because I realized my primary reason not to was guilt. I.e if I could click my fingers and simply not be pregnant I'd have done so without hesitation. For me the answer was there - I didn't really want the pregnancy but felt terrible about not proceeding. Once I got past that I was able to make the (very hard) decision, and have never had any regrets. The odd pang of guilt still, but it was definitely the right decision for me at the time.

Sorry that's very Me, Me, Me! But I think it is a question worth asking - does your doubt stem from deep down wanting the baby, or guilt/worry that terminating would be "wrong"?

It's such a hard one but for that reason whatever you do is probably the right thing. It's such a massive debate of head and heart that whatever "wins" will be imperfect, but right for you. Good luck.

@namechangequickly thank you so much, I really appreciate your understanding! Makes the whole thing feel less lonely. I think you’re right. It’s not ‘me me me’ at all please don’t worry. Did you go on to have DC or are you not there yet?

I think it’s an unusual situation in that, although there’s no perfect time, our lives just will look different in a matter of only six months. We would be able to provide better. If I could click my fingers and not be pregnant as PP describes, then that’s totally what I’d do. I’d rewind a few weeks. Termination seems so cold and hard and major, but it is so incredibly early that it would be happening around the same time my period would be anyway.
Circumstances change fast and I think I might struggle to forgive myself if I find myself in a place of regret, however, that could also be the motivator to save hard and get to a better position where it would be a planned choice and a happy celebration rather than a time of turmoil and conflict.

@daffodi you'll still be working in 6 months time and if you're in permanent employment you still still have the same opportunities for career progression.

Your backstory sounds like you and your partner are fairly successful and do have a reasonable amount of disposable income. A newborn isn't expensive, most if the gadgets aren't needed. Of course childcare will be costly but that's not going to be an issue for another couple of years anyway (taking into account maternity leave and the rest of your pregnancy). Plus if you were planning it for later this year, it was clearly in your long term plan anyway.

To be honest, if you have to question whether or not a termination is the thing to do, you obviously have enough doubt and potential regret at having one. If you terminated it could you move on with your life without the what ifs?

I think given that you want to try again this year, I'd go ahead with the pregnancy ❤️ It's just my opinion OP and I'm absolutely biased as I had two miscarriages prior to my current pregnancy.
You seem a lovely person and I hope you'll make the decision that's best for you. I hope everything works out.

@daffodi apologies I forgot to mention and I should have - I actually already had 2 children. We would have considered a third at some point but not at that time (and still aren't!). So in that sense I'm different to you as I had a family and wasn't worrying I'd miss my possible only chance. Appreciate that probably changes the perspective, plus it sounds like you'd consider having a family soon anyway, so why not now? Hard one, I get it!!!!

If you miscarried do you think you'd feel upset or relieved?

@namechangequickly ah I see! No worries. Relieved for now, I think. I’d love a rewind button. It really sounds horrible when some people struggle for years, doesn’t it, to be this thrown by it.

ok so if it was easy as a rewind, you would. Another question - if someone could guarantee you could conceive again, would you be any less tempted to continue this time? Or would you still feel tempted?

Sorry for the questions but it might help you work through your feelings. It did for me anyway, as I found the pros/cons just wouldn't stop!!

@namechangequickly yes if there was a guarantee I’d be much less worried about not continuing now! Do you think that changes much?