Will I regret this decision? TW

[daffodi]

TW - termination

Didn’t want to put in pregnancy choices as it’s not overly active and hope for some quick advice. So sorry it’s long. I would be grateful if you stay with it or even skim xx

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Me and DP always planned to TTC this year but recently due to savings and high interest rates planned to set it back to autumn of this year, November or December time. This is mainly to enable us to save harder, me to upgrade my 3 door car, buy a house this year and furnish it nicely (currently renting and prices in the midlands are mind boggling).

The condom we were using split and this was CD14 so I thought I had already ovulated therefore there would be no point getting the MAP. Fast forward a couple of weeks and I’ve had several positive tests.

I’m only 22 will be just turned 23 when baby is born, but it just sounds and is so terribly young, doesn’t it? DP is 25. We marry next year and like I say we were hoping to buy a house this year, as it stands we’re renting and I’m now very worried that buying will be impossible as everyone says to buy before kids or you never will. Trying to save for a deposit will certainly be hard when we are trying to buy baby equipment and everything a baby needs. This house is fine for now- it’s home and we have a small spare room but could definitely do with more space. I have just landed on my feet within my career, as has DP. We are both earning nurse/teacher type starter wages without giving away what we do and are workaholics, we’re lucky to both be passionate about what we do.

I felt so mature and with the world at my feet only a few months ago and it’s now come crashing down and the reality has sunk in as to how naive and young I actually am.

I haven’t stopped crying since I found out, mainly selfish worries for our future if we can’t buy a house and the impact this might have on our (3 year) relationship- we’d never be just us again. I rang my GP and self referred to BPAS, already had a consultation and the early medical pills arrived by post today. I’m very early, 4 weeks exactly going by LMP so would calculate me as due in early November. I feel hollow. I worry about the regret of having a baby in less than ideal circumstances, but I worry about the regret of deciding to not continue and feeling grief. I don’t feel ready to be pregnant given our precarious situation: unmarried and still renting - even if those things are to change soon it’s still not the best for a baby, is it? Nor have we had the happy moment of finding out together, we were both a bit numb by it.

All it took was once so it is a relief to know fertility is not a problem. It just seems so glib and selfish to be given what so many people in the world want and decide it’s not the right time. DP says the most important thing is that I feel happy and he says we will make any choice ‘work’. No pressure from him either way just my own inner turmoil.

We’re soon going to have a new niece too, as in, within the next month, and I don’t want that to cause me upset and make me distance myself as it wouldn’t be fair on the wider family. I work with babies too and other than getting signed off, forever, there’s no avoiding that.

How on earth could I justify trying again in late 2023 even if our circumstances have changed by then? I don’t know what the point to this post is, I thought I’d made up my mind on the consultation yesterday but when the nurse said that I could change my mind right up until the minute before taking the pills it threw me. If I am going to do it though, I need to do it early for my own sanity before I begin to develop any symptoms and before it’s any worse than a heavier period.

Please be kind- I know how naive I must sound but I am really struggling right now and can’t see a ‘happy’ route.

I had a termination many years ago. It was dreadful at the time and I felt awful for a long time after. However if I had continued I may have become a single mum, no housing or low cost renting, I would have had to finish my training and its unlikely I would have restarted it. As it is DH and I are homeowners because I could improve my saving and earning capacity and our children are pretty happy. Theyre teens and primary so can by trying. None of this would have happened if I had continued the pregnancy.

If you abort this baby how will you feel if you fail to conceive in future? Or once you do have children will you look at them and wonder what their eldest sibling might have been like?

@ElephantInTheBoxRoom that’s really quite painful to read. Would you say that to someone miscarrying? I am just trying to do what’s fair and morally right.

maybe I’m being unreasonable here as I did ask for advice!

@purpledalmation thank you. Did you have the termination when you were with same DH? How many years later did you have your first DC? X

There's absolutely no reason to think you'll struggle to conceive again. And an early pregnancy isn't a "sibling". Don't let things like this get to you.

Op, please ignore @ElephantInTheBoxRoom. No one walks in your shoes and this is your choice. As I said earlier, whatever choice you make will be the right one because that path will become your life. We make a million choices each day that can change our lives and there are a million ways your life can pan out in the future. Whatever you choose, be confident that it is the right thing for you. You sound incredibly sensible and you are making a well considered and rational decision so whichever way you go, be at peace with it.

I’d think, what was so wrong with the one six months ago because things are different, it is like starting a job after uni, 6 months prior to that you would have been at uni, a student with probably no income and considered to be reliant on parents for money. You have to do what is right for the circumstances at the time, not what could or should be. You are not answerable to anyone, so stop worrying about what you have to justify, you don't.

Re the relative providing childcare, whilst all this sounds great it can go horribly wrong as you have to suck stuff up because they are providing free childcare. In my sister's case my Mum was her childcare 3 days a week and my Mum was lovely, did what my sister asked with the children etc but then was diagnosed with cancer and died within a few months of being perfectly "healthy" and no symptoms. The relative may also decide it is too much for them too. Just all things to consider and even in future have a back up plan for childcare.

A mortgage company would look at you far more favourably if you don't have any dependent children and all the associated costs.

Yes a child free honeymoon is bliss. We had a teeny wedding and spent more on the honeymoon than the wedding too. The realities of children, no lies in, honestly just look at the sleep board for parents who have 3 year olds who don't sleep through the night or take hours to settle to sleep so have no evenings. At least Dh and I could look back on all the lie ins we had had for years, the weekends away, the afternoon naps etc and cherish those.

There is no right or wrong here OP and the only thing that matters is that yiu make the choice that is right for you.

I'd toss a coin.

Seriously, hear me out. Heads you continue with the pregnancy, tails you end it.

Toss the coin and the way you feel the instant you lift your hand and see how it has landed can tell you a lot about what you really want before all the what-ifs set in.

Great idea from @brokenarmabroad. only you know what’s best for yourself x

@brokenarmabroad that’s actually really clever. Thank you for that suggestion.

I keep entertaining the idea of it continuing, but ultimately, my stronger instinct is to make sure we are set up and solid first. Future DC can’t choose what they are born into so it’s up to me to make sure it’s as right as possible… notwithstanding it would not be fair in the slightest if I were stressed for environmental/financial reasons I would be setting myself up for more adversity than is perhaps necessary. With mortgaged house and married parents they would be born into a lot more security than we can currently offer. It’s not essential but it counts for a lot.
I know too well that if continued, it’s not just a baby to consider, it’s a whole person.

@ElephantInTheBoxRoom snuffing out a life? Do fuck off.

That's a really good idea. Let your gut guide you.

Honestly, if you are planning to TTC in the next year, have your baby. You really and truly do not need to buy a house. You are very young - yes, young for having a baby, but young for buying a house too. I don’t know anyone who owned a house before about 28/30.

Dh and I had our first when I was 32. We didn’t buy our first house until I was 40. I have no regrets. We were still able to save loads in those years. And being a bit older and having a better sense of what we wanted long term meant we bought a different sort of house than we might have years ago. We absolutely are not ‘behind’ our friends who bought late 20s/early 30s. If anything, we have probably done better in terms of our investments and we certainly have a nicer (and more expensive) house than our friends who bought younger.

The most important thing is that your head is in the right place, you’re sure about the relationship and know you want to be parents together. A house and savings doesn’t actually matter much. If you want to start a family together, have your baby. Sometimes life has a way of letting us know the direction we’re meant to head in.

OP it sounds like you do know what you want and what you really need is for someone to reassure you that you're reasoning is, well, reasonable.

You're reasons for not wanting a pregnancy right now are absolutely fine, OP. Because they are right for you, and you don't have to justify them to anyone else.

Where am I factually wrong in that? It might be an unsavoury choice of words for you but that’s a different matter.

OP, if you were 22, had no career to speak of or living at home or pregnant after a one night stand or with a wasteman who wasn’t going to stick with you, I’d be the first one to tell you to get down the clinic quick smart as bringing a baby into those circumstances wouldn’t be fair on you or it. But you seem quite sorted so it’s more of a dilemma, imo.

Have only read the first post but actually you sound really mature.

"I haven’t stopped crying since I found out"

That sounds like a feeling to pay attention to.

OP you do not have to justify your choices to anyone.
It's a really tough situation but it sounds like you know what you want to do.

@LuzzBightyearzz thank you x

Hi OP. You sound very sensible. My daughters are similar ages to yourself. Were either in your circumstances, and should either ask my opinion, I would counsel them both to do the same.
I would also be proud of them for considering the practical aspects oftheir situation so level headedly.

Honestly... you were going to try to conceive in six months time not six years time so personally I'd continue with the pregnancy. Can't see what life changing impact a few months would have on your savings and career? Babies don't need lots of stuff and you can spend as little (or as much) as you want.

Also just because you conceived so easily this time doesn't mean you will every time you want to.

@Wilkolampshade thank you, that carries a lot of weight x

@mybunniesandme that’s true, but since we’re 2k from the deposit I know we’d spend that on baby equipment, cot travel system etc and then probably not get to buy. I am very scared of ever facing fertility issues though.

There is never a perfect time to have a baby. I was made redundant when I was 6 month's pregnant - you never know what's round the corner. Also consider that you may not conceive so easily next time - look up secondary infertility.

@LouLou198 I suppose that’s true. Very bothered about the prospect of secondary infertility but that could happen anyway, etc

There's never a perfect time but is it a good time when the OP is crying since she found out?

Having a baby is extremely challenging even if you are in it 100 percent. Nearly broke me in my 30s. I cannot imagine going through it all while having doubts.

I had a TOP years ago and went onto have a healthy baby who's now almost 2. In much better circumstances.
I did feel guilty for a long while, but ultimately know it was for the best.