Regretting abortion...Having another child after abortion advice please

[kk721]

Hi, I'm a mum of 2 and I recently had a termination. I was so confused at the time, my husband didn't want to have another child, I was going through depression. I felt like I didn't want to have another child, I didn't feel any bond with the baby but I felt that termination was not the right choice for me either, I didn't know what to do, I was in a really bad state, in the end I did what my husband wanted me to do and had a termination. And I regret it ever since. Just as I didn't love the baby when I was pregnant, I started loving it when I lost it. I feel pain like never before, I feel guilt and anger. I now feel like I became a mother of three but one of my children died because of me and I really can't cope with it. Counselling doesn't help as they only see it from a biological point of view, to them it wasn't a baby. As mad as it may sound I feel that the only thing that could heal me is to have another baby but only if my husband would agree to have another one. I so desperately want to have another child now I know what I lost. Are there any mums that felt the same and had another child after termination? Would you mind sharing your experience with me? Would having another child help with the loss or would it make it worse? Could I please ask for comments only from mums that have had a similar experience.

Hi @kk721 just checking in to see how you’re doing. Just wanted to share what my therapist said on the matter. Although it’s important to give it time to decide if it’s the right decision, it’s not crazy to want another baby after a termination. While at the time, it felt as if it wasn’t possible- after the termination you may realize that it would be possible to manage another and it’s okay to want that and try again. We made a decision that we thought was best at the time and those decisions shape the future- whatever that may be. It could be another child, it might not be. I hope you are well. I know your struggle and how difficult it is.

Just wanted to say thank you so much for posting this, it’s really helpful to hear what other peoples therapists say on this matter when deciding to TTC again.

Your thread could have been written by me. I had a termination 4 years ago because of huge pressure from my husband and have written about it on here. I have been traumatised by it. I did get pregnant again about a year later but my husband behaved exactly the same (stopped speaking to me etc) and the pregnancy was super stressful and I ended up having a missed miscarriage. I still deeply regret the termination but have come to terms with it probably being the right decision given how much my husband didn't want it. It has profoundly harmed our marriage though. I tell myself that I'd rather be a single mother to two children than three.

@kk721 - so much of your post, I could have written myself. Please know that I have been in your shoes and truly know what you are going through. The only difference being that my pregnancy was very much planned. I terminated what would have been our third child last December, and have regretted it every moment since, and am actively trying to become pregnant again. I won’t go into too much detail about my situation then, as I don’t want to hijack your thread, except to say that I now know (through therapy and research) that I had prenatal depression with delusions that the new baby would ruin everything. Like I said - delusional! The baby was PLANNED and very much wanted until about 7 weeks into pregnancy when the depression started and I started spiralling out of control into a very dark place. As I had no history of any type of depression or mental health struggles the diagnosis was missed. When I was offered the option to end the pregnancy at 11 weeks, I felt it was the only choice I had. I felt like I was saving myself and my current children from a terrible situation (there’s the delusional thinking again!) and I felt pressured to act swiftly as I was approaching the end of my first trimester. The day of the termination was a blur. I do remember being very, very apprehensive right before the procedure. I actually asked for more time twice before signing off and proceeding with it. It’s almost like my subconscious rational mind was still in there somewhere, whispering “don’t do this. This isn’t you!” I regretted it almost immediately. I was very sick and slept the rest of that day from the anaesthesia, but I remember waking up the next morning and immediately realizing what I had done. I was screaming and crying “The baby!! No!!!! The baby!!” I was inconsolable. I knew in my heart of hearts I had made the biggest mistake of my life. Through counselling with a professional who specializes in pregnancy-related mental health, I came to realize that I literally was not in my right mind. That I had been suffering a mental health crisis due to prenatal depression, and that had caused me to behave in a way so foreign to my true self. We have been actively trying to conceive again, and I know this time the red flags to watch out for should things take a turn again, as does my husband, and doctor. If I get so lucky to have another chance at a third child I know that is what I truly want. Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty about wanting to try again. You are not trying to replace your lost baby. You know you never could. But grief can be transformed into something beautiful. Becoming pregnant again CAN be part of your healing. That is ok. It is ok to say that the termination has made you realize your true heart’s desire in having another child. You don’t owe it to anyone to explain that you want another, after terminating the last. We live, and we learn. We are only human. If your husband is willing, I wish you all the luck in the world in growing your family ❤️

Hi OP,
I’m in the same situation as you. I aborted my baby a week ago and the pain and guilt is indescribable. I wished someone had told me. I always wanted 4 kids and I love being a mother and I think that’s where the pain and guilt comes from. What have I done? Constantly haunts me. I cry all the time, I wake up crying. Im almost 40, finally able to have some independence since my kids are a little older. My husband was abusive pretty much throughout the whole marriage physically, emotionally and psychologically. He’s cheated on me more than once and only 5 months before I found out I was pregnant . Not provided for the kids and I. I pretty much raised 3 kids on my own without support. He’s only changed (seems to) because he knows I’m not putting up with him anymore and ready to leave. Well my husband at first wanted to abortion but changed and wanted to keep the baby. And I felt this baby was meant to be, but I was going through depression I also listened to others and not myself. I didn’t have time to think, I went through the abortion strangely emotionless not realising what I was actually doing. Aborting a baby I always wanted. Now I’m just disgusted with myself. I knew there was a high chance of me raising the baby alone again since I can’t trust my husband but now I rather be a single mum of 4 than not have my baby. I thinking of getting pregnant again too. I just want to be pregnant again to have that baby I always wanted because this pain is killing me.

I had an early medical abortion with my third pregnancy. It was unplanned and came at a really bad moment for us (the first lockdown when we were trying to do child care and work around then with no help). It was a horrible horrible decision to have to make but I couldn’t see a way we could cope and the world seemed so uncertain. I have a great relationship with my DH so that wasn’t the issue but we agreed together we just couldn’t cope with it in that time. The main thing I regret is putting ourselves in a position where we had an unplanned pregnancy. Fast forward 6 months, things seemed calmer with Covid (they didn’t stay that way!) and we decided we would like to try for a third baby and after a chemical pregnancy I did have another successful pregnancy and now have a gorgeous DS. So a pregnancy after abortion is doable but the sadness about the abortion has never gone away, I don’t think it ever will. I think about it often and I’m ok with that too. It’s my own private grief I allow myself to feel it even though a lot of people wouldn’t understand.
I guess my point is, you can’t make what has already happened go away with another baby. You need to be prepared for that. But I am very very glad we went ahead with a planned pregnancy.

I'm currently pregnant after a termination. I felt the same as you after mine but it would have been really hard for me. I was so sick and also taking the pills to help the sickness aswell as having antibiotics and vitamin pills I was completely exhausted and couldn't cope. My husband didn't understand me because he thought she's been pregnant twice before I'm sure she can cope. I came on here asked for advice and people were like yeah do it for your health. Although it was the right choice I wish it never happened or better I wish I hadn't gotten pregnant then. Now that I'm pregnant I do have days where I wish I wasn't as being pregnant a 3rd time with 2 others kids is very very hard and I only have 2 hands. But I'm going to stay strong and hopefully God gives me a healthy baby. It's not easy growing and carrying a child with all the other symptoms you get. I've forgiven myself for my termination and know it had to be done. I would not have managed. It's made me stronger when I thought it had broken me.

@heartbroken22 Congratulations, I have read many posts from you on this board as I think you had your termination a couple of months before me (had mine June) I wish you a happy and healthy pregnancy x

@scaredandanxious01 aww thank you. Yeah I had it June too. Hopefully im stronger with this pregnancy and the sickness will be less fingers crossed xx

Your situation is so much like mine exactly thr same . Like I don't even recognise myself that I did it it's so out of character for me it is something I would of never chose too do so I really don't understand what happened . Maybe I had prenantle depression too? I can't even speak too a councilor I can't even say the words out loud what I did . I feel like I just have the huge weight on my shoulders that won't shift the guilt is unreal . Me and my partner tried too go again he thinks something must of been wrong for me too feel the way it did and maybe it was fate. I don't know but now I'm in a position I can't try again and it's just so sad . I hope for you you get your baby x

Hi i went through abortion few months back i now feel guilty i wish i can replace the pregnancy am 28 and mother of 3 already

how are you OP? x x

@kk721 just wondering whether you went on to try again? This situation seems to be so common even though it doesn’t feel like it “in real life”

Hello, how are you doing ? Did you go on to have baby ?

Dear OP,
I am in the exact same situation and just turned 40 years old. Did you go on to have a baby? Hugs to you whatever you decided to do. <3

@nevertoolatetotry Hey! Also in the same situation and we decided to go for it. The peri natal anxiety was so extreme when we went through it that I was suicidal and the feelings are all so raw but 9 months later I’m now in my first trimester. Trying was hard, getting my head round it was hard and I still have anxiety now but I understand it better this time. I get that my mind is trying to recognise a threat but that it’s overshooting massively. I’m feeling grateful to be given another chance; pregnancy is not fun and it’s early days but my view is that for me personally; it’s so worth riding the waves in order to get to the other side.

Thanks so much!

I also decided to go for it again, and am currently holding my 6 month old son as a result 💙. I was terrified when I saw those two lines, and I’m not going to say I didn’t struggle again mentally. But I was able to recognize the red flags this time, and with the support of my therapist and partner I made it through pregnancy and have never been happier. Our third and final baby completed our family and I am so thankful I pushed through and made this dream a reality.

This gives me hope and I am so happy for you <3 thanks for your message.

This is the part that really really frustrates me like no we are aware it’s just cells at the time of abortion but i to was just cells that my mom could have just aborted. That’s what makes it difficult. It’s cells that are going to progress into a full blown baby but just cells that just stay as cells…..

@EastCoastMama sorry to bring up an old post. But your message has really stuck with me. I am in a very very similar place. It feels like you have described my situation exactly. I am now 5 months out for the biggest mistake of my life. I’m feeling better and my husband is willing to try again for number 4. Hoping for another chance (plus my beautiful family) is the only way I’ve kept going. I am absolutely terrified of the anxiety returning. I am doing “all the things” including therapy, being healthy, positive affirmations. But I’m still stuck thinking I already blew my chance. Why a new baby and not that baby? I don’t feel like I deserve another chance. I also just turned 36 and worried I will be “punished” of sorts. I won’t be able to get pregnant, there will be complications, or a problem with the baby.

did you go on to have another child? How was the pregnancy? Did anything help you find peace?

I had a baby 18 months after a termination that I deeply regretted. The pregnancy was difficult and at one point I almost terminated again - the only thing that stopped me was how terrible is felt last time.
I now have a gorgeous 6 month old. My third baby. Loved and adored by all.

I don't think it's wrong to have another baby after a termination bug don't do it to just replace the loss and because of the depression. It's not a magic wand for the grief to go away - I still think about it regularly. It's a funny thing because I love my baby so much, I'm so happy he's here, but still couldn't say I don't regret the abortion. Think closely about why you had the abortion in the first place to ensure they won't become issues again.

@KEW56 I think@Redemption16 said this beautifully. To answer your question, I did go on to have another baby. He is 11 months now and the absolute star of our family! My 10 and 6 year olds ADORE him. He has completed us. I’ll never know what led me to terminate my previous pregnancy, but he has healed a part of me. That being said, he is not a “do-over”. I thought getting pregnant again would make up for the termination, but that has of course not been the case. Like @Redemption16 mentioned, I too still mourn that loss, think about that baby often, and carry the pain of that decision. My new son has made it easier to bear, but it cannot be erased. It has taken a lot of self reflection, and therapy that is still ongoing. I also had fears throughout my pregnancy and early postpartum that something terrible would happen as “punishment”. That’s something I had to work through in therapy.

In terms of your age, I’m 44 now. 43 when I had him. So to me, you’re still young!

@Redemption16 @EastCoastMama Thank you so much for your responses. It’s helpful to know I’m not the only person who has experienced this. It’s a terrible place to crawl yourself out of. I undoubtedly know I want another child. The child I terminated was wanted - which is why this is absolutely insane to process. Letting fear run your life is a terrible way to live. Your strength to try again and peruse what you want in life is inspiring. I hope to get there soon. One day at a time.