Regretting abortion...Having another child after abortion advice please

[kk721]

Hi, I'm a mum of 2 and I recently had a termination. I was so confused at the time, my husband didn't want to have another child, I was going through depression. I felt like I didn't want to have another child, I didn't feel any bond with the baby but I felt that termination was not the right choice for me either, I didn't know what to do, I was in a really bad state, in the end I did what my husband wanted me to do and had a termination. And I regret it ever since. Just as I didn't love the baby when I was pregnant, I started loving it when I lost it. I feel pain like never before, I feel guilt and anger. I now feel like I became a mother of three but one of my children died because of me and I really can't cope with it. Counselling doesn't help as they only see it from a biological point of view, to them it wasn't a baby. As mad as it may sound I feel that the only thing that could heal me is to have another baby but only if my husband would agree to have another one. I so desperately want to have another child now I know what I lost. Are there any mums that felt the same and had another child after termination? Would you mind sharing your experience with me? Would having another child help with the loss or would it make it worse? Could I please ask for comments only from mums that have had a similar experience.

Have your circumstances changed in any way? How would next time be different?

I have no experience of this except to say I also feel similar to you but I won’t hijack your thread.

How recent was your termination? I

Sadly, I don’t have advice but felt I should comment so you know you’re not alone with these feelings. I feel like I could of written this post.

Hi I have an abortion too 7 weeks ago and feel the same as you . I feel like the only way I can get over what I have done is by having another like it's the only thing that will make things right. I don't think m partner wants too :( . And another thing driving me mad everyone keeps saying oh your too old your nearly 40 it's too late . I've just turned 37 I don't feel one bit too old for a baby just wanted too get that out so annoying

I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling the same as it's a very dark and lonely place to be :( I don't think anyone who hasn't been in a similar situation can understand what we're going through. Thank you so much for your message, sending you lots of love xx

The thing is, nothing has actually changed. All the reasons that took you to terminate are still in place. I think you'd be better placed finding a new counsellor and talking through your feelings.

I'm sorry you feel like this.

I agree I think you need to find a new counsellor and work through these feelings first.

Nothing has changed in your situation and your husband still doesn't want a third child.

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through the same, it's a horrible place to be :( I'm 39 and people said the same that I'm too old. At the time I felt really vulnerable and wasn't thinking straight. I believed what they said. But now I know that they were very cruel and had no right to advise me to have an abortion due to my age nor for any other reason. Lots of ladies have babies in their forties. What makes me angry is that all those 'well -wishers' never had a termination. They have no clue what they're talking about, what they were actually advising me to do and the consequences of this choice. I hope you and I both find peace somehow, sending you lots of love xx

I did the same and bitterly regretted it. I was essentially in a bad frame of mind and wasn't thinking clearly and I suppose felt forced to make a quick decision.
It was pretty much instant regret and I felt so terrible for taking that decision.

I wanted to try for another baby but also worried how I would feel if pregnant and if it would constantly trigger further guilt and bad feelings.

I think we started TTC approximately 6 months later and I fell pregnant shortly after. Although I felt guilt and I still do, I think the pregnancy helped me to accept it and I am now blessed to have a lovely DC.
I still occasionally think of my wrong decision now and feel guilt and I know I won't ever forgive myself, but it is most definitely not as raw.

Sadly I don't think that having another baby will help you. You need more support and counselling.

Nothing about your situation has changed, your husband presumably doesn't want another baby (would he leave?) and you have mental health issues. A baby will not improve your relationship or health. I can understand why you think it would make you feel better but honestly, it won't.

I would focus on counselling with a new counsellor. A new baby is not the solution to your guilt.

I had a termination many years ago, we were both young and it was unplanned. We did go on to marry and have two children. We did divorce, sadly.

I married again, had a miscarriage, a beautiful child, and later another termination.

I have always focused on the 3 children (adults/young adults) I have and nothing else. I know not everyone can do this but I think it is important to try. The past is the past.

The thing is OP, you don't want a 3rd child, you just want to have not had the termination. You didn't want another child before you got pregnant, and I think if you're honest with yourself you still don't want one now, you just want to stop hurting. That is not a good enough reason to bring a human being into the world. Stop thinking in terms of pregnancy and baby and start thinking in terms of child.

I'm so sorry OP. Abortion can feel like a quick fix to the anxiety and stress, but then once it's done the urgency evaporates and it can feel like...this is it, what have I done?

Can you go back to how you felt at that time? Did you want to do it at all, or was it all directed by your husband? Would he agree to have another baby?

There's no right or wrong really...I've had two terminations and desperately wanted another baby after both of them, but I was just emotional and hormonal and I'm v v glad I didn't now - but in my situation it was with not-great partners and circumstances (I had DC later)

It's terribly difficult, isn't it, OP. I'm sorry you are feeling so much pain.

I agree you should find a new counsellor. Anyone who treats your termination as "simply biological" isn't the right fit for you. If you had miscarried a wanted pregnancy, even at an early stage, you might feel devastated. The emotions are perfectly valid, even if someone else could say "Well it was just a biological process" which is spectacularly unhelpful! I believe in Japanese culture they have a greater acknowledgement that both miscarriage and abortion can be very sad events.

I can't say if having a 3rd baby would put things right for you. I do think that sadness, guilt, and regret after termination is probably natural for many women, and yet you can still feel like "I made the right choice at the time, even though it was a sad choice to have to make."

Definitely seek out more help for your mental health, you deserve to heal.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me. I felt the same like I was rushed and forced to do it by number of people. It gives me hope to know that it's possible to have another child and find some form of peace. Thank you x

Thank you for all comments but I specifically asked for comments only from mums that regretted termination and later had another child. There seem to be a lot of comments from people who think what is right for me. I listened to people who thought abortion was right for me at the time. People who never had an abortion and didn't have a clue what damage it would do to me. They were all wrong, it was not right for me, they had no right to advise me to do it. Therefore I'm not looking for opinions from people who never went through this. I would only like to hear from people that actually KNOW what it's like to have another child after abortion. Thank you for respecting my request.

I've had an abortion and had two more children afterwards. They are not in any way, shape or form a replacement for the foetus I aborted. Any guilt or sadness I had about the termination was not changed in any way by my subsequent pregnancies and children. You can't undo what has already happened and you can't have a child to replace or substitute for the pregnancy you terminated. It doesn't work like that.

Thank you so much for commenting and sharing your experience with me. I really appreciate it.

@kk721 how long ago was your termination if you don’t mind me asking? Mine was June

You're welcome. I hope you can find some peace with your decision and find a way forward 🌺

Three weeks ago.

Hi Op,

I have been in the exact position that you are in now.

i felt pressured into my abortion and through counselling came to realise that I had gone into flight or fight mode at the time I Switched off my emotions and went through with an abortion I didn’t want and I didn’t know this until reality hit me later.
this was in 2019 and we now have a 2.5 yr old DS , I fell pregnant about 5 months after the abortion and I can honestly say that if I hadn’t had DS I don’t think I would be here now. I have never been as low as I was then in my life (I was also 39).

The grief after the abortion hit me like a tonne of bricks, I struggled to function I drank far far too much. I was so so angry with myself for allowing myself to talked into an abortion when I had always believed it would never be something that would be right for me. I was angry with my husband and others that had told me it would be ok.
i tried to take my own life, again something I swore I would never put my existing DC through ever.

The decision to have another wasn’t an easy one, we decided to just allow nature to take its course and if I fell then it was meant to be.
my pregnancy was very very difficult physically, I had all sorts of problems so once I had DS I knew for sure we were done having children. I had a hysterectomy when he was 1.

I will never regret having DS, he has completed our family, he is the child we never knew we needed (he is DC4). He healed my heart.
I will always be sad about my abortion, I think about that baby sometimes, I console myself with the fact DS would not be here if I had never had an abortion.

only you can decide what is right for you and your family but ultimately it was the best decision we made.

Counsellors may be trying to make you really understand that the termination was not of a viable baby - it’s hard when you have one not for your own reasoning and thinking of the pregnancy as terminating cells may start your healing process

Oh OP I remember those raw first few days/weeks. I felt so hormonal and empty 💐

I know I said I wouldn't hijack your thread but I am in a similar situation after mine. Myself and DP had actually been hoping to try for a baby later this year if a few very specific few barriers and circumstances had been addressed. I had to make my decision very quickly too for certain reasons. Only now with hindsight do we realise we would have probably been fine if we had continued with the pregnancy, the 'barriers' we saw could have been worked around and a couple have already resolved, however we didn't know this would happen at the time so had to make a decision based on the current situation. I wish I had given ourselves more time to really look into it all but we didn't feel we had that option. The whole thing has made us realise exactly how much we definitely do want a family and we are tentatively hoping to start TTC in a month or 2 if we feel ready.

Be kind to yourself @kk721 , I read a book called The Healing Choice recently (its on Amazon but I got mine in local library) and found most of it really helpful.

I think you should take time and if possible have therapy. You can't just replace one baby with another, it'll catch up with you emotionally. Look after yourself.