Post abortion depression counselling

[Threebutterflies]

So I got a message to say there should be availability soon to start my counselling. It’s a charity that provides counselling for abortion and miscarriages . Really hope that it helps some as it’s horrible living like this. I feel like it’s the same grief as when someone dies , yet with a ton of guilt as it was my decision to end that life . WTF have I done ☹️

Anyone else had post abortion counselling? Did it help ? Feeling desperate ☹️

Hi, I wanted to write to say I know how you are feeling and you aren't alone in that terrible awful feeling. I had a termination a few days ago and have been suffering horrendous panic attacks in the mornings and evenings. I'm not sure there are worse feelings than this, if I'm honest. You're right, it feels like a deep deep grief, and in the moments of desperate panic the thoughts of "what have I done" are so intense. The panic and shame are crushing and I can't breathe, and all I want is to talk to my mum, but I can't because I know she would be horrified that I had a termination. I know that I made my decision thinking of what would be best for my baby, because I want to give her the life she deserves, and the stability and good life that children need. In my dark moments I think that I was fucking ridiculous to think that I am not in a position to raise a child, because technically on paper it would have been possible, but it would not have been a good or stable life, with me being unemployed soon.

Anyway, yes, counselling will help you, and it will help me. I have been having counselling before this and am currently in it, and I think it will help you too. There are a lot of things online to read, and there is a workbook called the abortion resolution workbook that I am slowly reading, and it seems helpful. If you can't find it after googling I can link you to it. I'm glad that the availability for counselling has come up, it will help you.

For me, parts of the day feel numb, and I can sort of function. I haven't tried to work yet, but I hope that I will be able to concentrate. I have been watching telly. I have started re-reading "the body keeps the score", which I hope will also be helpful. I haven't had an appointment with my therapist yet since the procedure but I have tried to move the next one forwards. What is keeping me going are the thoughts that I need to be kind to myself, that I will have a child again, and it's my responsibility now to take care of myself so that I can get into the position that I need to be in to be the best mother I can be. You deserve to be kind to yourself, and you deserve peace.

We are going through something that women around the world are going through, and have gone through throughout history, and will go through in future. We are all connected, our pain is not unique, it is the shared pain of womanhood. You are going to be fine, it will take work and time, but you will heal. You aren't alone xxx

Thankyou for your reply . Sorry that you had to go through a termination and can’t tell your mum either . Does anyone else
know that you can talk to ?
Ive come to the conclusion I will
never get over having my abortion and I will always regret it . It’s was 100% the wrong decision for me. The grief feels unbearable I seem to spend more and more time sleeping now . I do hope the counselling will help but I’m not sure how it will.
I hope you start to feel better soon and the panic attacks stop . I’ve had severe anxiety after my abortion so am now on tablets for it . Maybe you might consider tablets ? They do help and there not addictive. X

Has anyone used Stillwaters In Birmingham? Did it help ?

Im really sorry that you feel you won't ever recover from the grief. It's the worst kind of grief, it's not exactly one you can get sympathy from from your family and friends (at least I haven't told a single person except my boyfriend and therapist, and don't think I will).

I've been up and down, mostly down. Daily panic attacks, but also moments in the days where I can enjoy doing things. Although I can't look forward to the future yet, I'm able to make plans now, like for weekends in a week or two, whereas before I couldn't do anything like that.
My panic attacks are not as severe now as they were the first few days, when I thought my world was ending. My heart is still broken.
I'm crying as often as I feel I want to (at work this is hard but I go to the toilet), and after I cry I feel a bit better. I lie in bed and talk to my baby, and hope that she understands why I felt I had to do it at the time, and I pray that someday she will come back to me because the thing I want most in life is to be a mother, I just need to be in the position to be able to care for a baby financially and practically. I need to get myself together so that this whole thing has some meaning, that I didn't just ruin my life, that I actually make the changes I need to so I can try to have her in the future.

Do your best to get counselling, and if you can afford to pay privately, look up bereavement counsellors to see soon. You deserve to be happy again. Try not to view your loss as something to "get over", i don't think it's something to be "gotten over". It was a hugely emotional experience and one that will always have meaning in your life. It's always going to be something that you went through, that had a massive impact on you. It doesn't need to be the biggest part of you forever though. You've gone through a trauma and need to learn how to be whole again. I'm not trying to sound preachy btw, I'm just telling you what I'm telling myself.

I couldn't check mumsnet for a while because it was giving me panics, but I can check more often if you want to chat a bit. Xx

@scaredorganicyoghurt
hi how are you getting on now? I actually remember your thread from before and I did comment on it . I wasn’t sure wether you would decide to keep the baby or terminate as you sounded quite torn . How are your panic attacks now ? I started my counselling but it’s to early to say if it will help yet. I’m still really depressed about it . How are you feeling now ?

Hi, yeah I'm still not good. In the last days I've been realising more and more what a terrible mistake I made. I know the reasons I did it are still there, but I also think I should have kept it. Every day it feels like my heart breaks. The panic attacks happen most days, but aren't as severe as they were in the beginning. Now they just feel like an initial panic at re-remembering what I've done, followed by a massive wave of sadness. It doesn't help that I keep remembering the procedure itself. I had surgical and now understand why it usually seems to be with general anaesthetic. I had no anaesthetic, just opiate pain relief, and it was horrific tbh. I keep getting images of what I saw back in my mind which make me feel worse and more panicky.

I'm glad you started your counselling, I guess it takes time to start to feel better. Was it in person or on the phone/online? Which tablets are you on btw, if you don't mind me asking? I've taken them in the past and found them helpful, and will probably go to the doctor for them soon. How long has it been since you had the termination? Has the way you've felt changed over time?

@scaredorganicyoghurt
oh gosh I’m so sorry your not doing well. Yes unfortunately it’s only after we realise what a terrible mistake/ choice we’ve made. I think we just worry so much about every little detail and then after they all seem so stupid . I actually can’t believe some of the reasons I decided to terminate and wish I’d been stronger to not worry about them. I was far to concerned about what other people would think too which makes me so mad now. All the things like money and practical things would have been sorted out . I wanted my freedom and a career but now feel to depressed and guilty to do any of those things. I don’t enjoy nice things anymore as it makes me feel to guilty.

This week the counselling was mainly telling the lady the story of my abortion and my reasons that I did it . It was learning how the brain and the heart are conflicting and how that all works . I really hope this counselling works as I don’t want to live like this forever. I’m on sertraline for depression and propranolol for anxiety and racing heart/panicking feeling.

@scaredorganicyoghurt
are you in the U.K ? If you don’t mind me asking why didn’t you have the anaesthesia? That much have been horrendous being awake ? I often has visions of the clinic and the changing room and going into theatre and that was bad enough. Wish I could erase it all from my memory.

Yeah the reasons seem pretty fucking stupid right now. I spent so long thinking about this, I really spent every second since finding out I was pregnant thinking about it and worrying about it. The reasons made sense before because I was also terrified. I'm still terrified now but in a different direction. I wanted to be able to have secure/more secure employment, so as not to be unemployed with a baby, but now I can barely focus work, and the job I wanted to apply for, I just can't get the energy or will to even work on the motivation letter. Although to be honest, there are parts of the day where I can lose myself in my work for an hour or so, which feels good. I'm going to be fine because I know I have to be, but Jesus, I hate how little society talks about feeling like this after a termination. Neither side cares about women, it's all either right wing bullshit about murder, or left wing bullshit about how it's only cells. It's all only about either sides agenda, nobody cares about the women actually in it. I'm completely pro choice just in case it doesn't sound like I am.

I knew I was going to feel like this, so many women told me how it happened to them. I thought I was doing the right thing by my future child, but in the process broke myself. I don't think I've ever felt so alone in my life.

I'm living on the continent at the moment, and it was offered to me as somehow the more sensible option, as it wouldn't hurt and I'd be able to do it at the doctors office not the hospital. I don't remember most of it actually because they had to give me several doses of the opiate because of the pain. I don't want to be too graphic as I don't want to upset anyone who reads this, or you, but it was awful. I had read of women saying the surgical option was the kinder option as it was over quickly and wasn't painful and you don't bleed much after. I guess they all had GA.

@scaredorganicyoghurt
oh I totally agree with you and everything you say. I’m exactly the same . Pro life saying I’m a murderer going to hell making me feel like shit . Pro choice yes I agree with but we need to be real it’s not just a bunch of cells after a certain amount of weeks. It’s a whole life that’s being ended and that’s something that just fully hit me a few months ago. At the time it’s like well I don’t want to be pregnant, I don’t want another baby, the dad didn’t want it . Now I look at the bigger picture.

I didn’t have any counselling at the clinic before . It might be different in the uk then as I think it’s always done under GA unless you asked for it. I’m not sure why they would suggest you not to have it seems quite cruel to me tbh. Believe me your not alone there’s so many women like us feeling like this. I felt like I was the only one until I started reading the threads on here.

I would definitely ask about the tablets as they have helped me a lot with the physical symptoms so now I can try and sort my mind out .

I'm completely on the same page as you. Both sides make you feel like shit, both only care with their own agenda. I was feeling extremely angry the other day (another treat in terms of mood instability) and was on the phone with my bf, and he brought up "his belief" again that it's not a baby yet, it's just cells, and that's why he's not as sad as me. Who says that someone grieving.

Yeah sometimes when I'm not feeling so sad I think what the actual fuck about that procedure, it was brutal. If I knew what it would have been like I would absolutely have gone to the hospital, or done the medical one. Im so afraid I won't ever be able to have a baby in the future, it feels like my heart squeezes whenever that thought enters my mind.

I'm surprised you didn't have counselling at the clinic before! I left the UK a few years ago now and never really knew the ins and outs of termination before, I only really learned about it in the last while.

It's actually bringing me a lot of comfort knowing that there are many other women in the same position as me, as perverse as that sounds. I wish no other woman felt like this, but I'm also glad I'm not alone. Mumsnet is the only place I have really seen these things talked about. Every website it's all "some women can feel sad after it because of hormones, but most feel fine", like just fuck off!!

Yeah I'm going to go to the doctor on Monday I think. I've taken sertraline before and it really helped me. I'm glad it's helped you with the physical symptoms. Honestly I've started drinking which is kind of scaring me, I'll need to nip it in the bud soon.

@scaredorganicyoghurt
a lot of men just don’t understand it at all and don’t understand how we feel. My ex partner didn’t give a crap about me or the fact I was pregnant. To him it was just a problem to be got rid of. He didn’t want to pay child support . And I found out after he was cheating on me so it would have meant her finding out if I’d of had the baby . All I’ve done his made his life a lot easier and got him off the hook . He dosnt give a shit how I feel about it or feel sad for the child I got rid of . Obviously I don’t know the situation with your boyfriend but he just won’t feel the same about it even if you try and explain it .

God you poor thing, what a shit he was!! Adding all of what he put you through on top of what you were already going through with the termination is just unfathomable. I really feel for you, and I'm really glad that turd is out of your life at least.

An awful lot of men don't even care how we feel, let alone even try to understand. It's a hard thing to get your head around cause if the situation was reversed I know I'd be doing my absolute best to understand.

My bf has been good to be fair to him, but it fills me with rage and despair that he doesn't get it. I'm literally on my own feeling this shit (well, there are a community of us, but it's not like we can just go for a beer together and cry together), and I hate it. I decided a few days ago that I was done trying to explain it to him, he doesn't deserve it, and I'm not going to disrespect my baby by trying to explain to its father how much it mattered/matters to me.

We're the same age aren't we if I'm remembering correctly? 34?

No I am 40 . I had one abortion aged 30 and one aged 35 as I obviously don’t learn from my mistakes. Both with the same ex turd boyfriend! We also have a daughter together who’s 10 now and I have other children from a different partner. I’m done with men and sex now. I’m super fertile and I’m actually to scared to have sex again ! I’ve got pregnant on the depo injection and having the morning after pill. Just can’t face going through all that again . I’ve been single for 5 years and just want to get a career now and work hard.
I know in your thread you are already a career person and do want kids one day ? We have just done it the other way round lol. In my opinion I think between 35 ish and 40 ish is the best time to have kids . You have lived your life , built a career then can settle down and be a mum. Obviously that’s just a perfect life in my mind it’s different for everyone. It’s what I’d like for my daughters to . Would your partner like children with you in the future ?

Ah ok! To be honest, being off men is (in my view) usually a good thing, so much of the time they bring you a lot of pain and bullshit :( god I can't believe you got pregnant while on drop AND the morning after pill! I took the morning after pill too, fat lot of good it did me. I very much do want children though.

What do you work in/want to work in? That's great that that's what you want to do now! Yeah I suppose I did do the career thing, although I didn't pick a very good one in terms of job stability 😂 I am very glad for the opportunities I've had, but since I was about 28 (I was in a long term relationship before this one for several years, but then was also single for several years after) I've always said I wanted children soon. My parents are older and it makes me really sad, and was hard for me growing up that they were older than the other parents. I'm going to have done the same to my own children now :( my bf does want children, and had said he would be ready once things are more settled for us, and we've been together longer. I mean ideally that's what I wanted too, I didn't set out to get pregnant (I cried so much when I found out), but now that I have been all I can think about it getting pregnant again, which I know would be ridiculous. I'm still in the mindset where that will be the only that makes me feel better :(

I hope you had a good weekend! I was away, and actually it was ok. I cried every day and had mini panics in the mornings but I did enjoy myself otherwise.

A close friend of mine told me that she is three months pregnant now, so she must have gotten pregnant at the same time as me, and that (I know this is awful) makes me feel sick 😔 I'm so happy for her, but so sad for myself.

Hello Threebutterflies and Scaredorganicyoghurt,
I just wanted to send some love your way and reiterate that you are not alone and i too am feeling very, very sad after my termination 2 weeks ago. Very alone not being able to talk to anyone (or those you can talk to don’t understand). That feeling of being so torn when i was pregnant at what to do, and still feeling so torn now. Doesn’t feel like anything got resolved. I could cry forever if i was left to myself. I think there is such a common emotion and pain associated with this, but we have to keep it hidden away….
Anyway just wanted to share. Sending more love xx

Hi springtimecolours, thanks for your message. Yes it's truly awful, isn't it. Today is three weeks for me. I was so afraid and torn before, and now I wish I had never done it. Can't change that now, so am trying to live with it. I cry a lot as well. I have a special book I write in when I'm upset, which helps, and having a good cry also helps. I'm sorry that you also feel so alone, it really is wretched :( there are quite a lot of us who feel this way, and I've found comfort in finding other women to talk to online. Sending you lots of love xx

I'm sorry you are feeling of so low ATM. If you made the choice you made it can't have been an easy decision but you have to draw a line under it and forgive yourself. Sometimes we all all make decisions we regret but in your case impossible to reverse so be kind to yourself. Get the counseling as soon as you can. Try to let it go. You did the best you could at the time.

Hi ladies how are you doing ? I’ve had good days and bad days . Just trying to keep busy at the moment as the more I sit around being miserable the more I think about the regret and wishing I could change things . It’s just so pointless. I still come on here a couple of times a day and get support from other ladies and try and support them to . I hope you all have a good day and weekend x 💐

Hiya! To be honest chatting with you and the other ladies has been extremely helpful for me, I think you are the only ones I've spoken to who understand what this is like.

I've had a rough few days. Yesterday I had yellow discharge (no smell or pain) (still have it) and it sent me googling which of course terrified me. I did a pg test and it was barely positive, but the line was definitely there (very faint). It's been three weeks now so that scared the shit out of me. Went to GP today and cried my eyes out (got script for sertraline too) and he did a blood test to measure hcg, just in case anything left in there. It's put me in a massive hole, I've been crying and panicking that I'm going to have to get something else done, and that is not going to work on my timeline because next week is when I leave for work :( I'm just scared shitless. I've had a can of sparkling wine and that's helped at least. I just really really want my period to start in the next few days. I do not ever want to go through that surgery again, and I'm hoping and praying that my period arrives before Monday and I don't need to get an emergency gynae visit.

I hope you have a good weekend too, and do some nice things that keep you busy :) xx

Oh wow sorry to hear that ! Have all your other pregnancy symptoms gone though ? I suppose if it’s very faint it must still be the hormones waring off. I’ve read some posts on here about failed abortions but I don’t see how they can miss a surgical one ?
yes coming on mumsnet has helped me soooo much I can’t even tell you . I was so depressed I was suicidal. But honestly finding this site was a blessing . I just keep writing on here or reading other posts and it helps so much . Also the sertraline made me feel a lot worse in week 2 so please be prepared for that . Did the doctor tell you that can happen ? X

I had an abortion five years ago and resonate with this thread so, so much. The anger, anxiety, regret etc.

I went to therapy 18 months after mine when I finally accepted I needed help. I had EDMR and it was like magic. I felt so much better that I didn’t finish the course (although I should have and regret not doing so).

It does get better. Very much like the grieving process, time heals. The rawness has gone, and sometimes I can almost feel content with the decision. Honestly, I do still regret it some days, especially the anniversaries of when it happened and what would have been the due date. But I don’t cry any more, and don’t have the burning anger towards myself or my BF. It does get better, but I strongly recommend EMDR.

I had a second trimester abortion 21.5 years ago- (forced-I was a teenager and was bullied then literally dragged- told ALL drs and nurses and the counsellor I was being forced and to call the police or ss to help me and they all ignored me. Last year I got my notes and they had even documented how I was ‘refusing’ and walked out and the plans to ensure I returned and it was carried out. Harrowing)

I’ve had counselling but I had it too late I think as had ptsd and buried my feeling for years. I’ve dealt badly with what happened to me I had no coping strategies or support and felt desperate to be pregnant again but I did it over and over so now I have a huge family. My mind is ‘stuck’ in the place of right after feeling that I wanted my baby back. I would advise to seek help as soon as you can and I can totally sympathise with how you feel. Please please don’t blame yourself though feeling of guilt are the worst but don’t turn the blame inwards. You did what you thought was best and hopefully counselling can help. It is heartbreaking I know though. I hope you can find peace.