Hi everyone.
I'll try to keep this concise. I'm 34, and am approximately 8 and a half weeks pregnant. The pregnancy was utterly unplanned, my partner and I are a relatively new relationship, we have been together for 9 months now (7 months when I got pregnant), he is 38. We currently live in different cities (2hours apart) but were beginning to discuss moving in together before this happened. We both are academics. We aren't from the same country, and live in a third country.
I have been using the fertility awareness method for birth control since I went off the pill in my mid-late twenties (only with established serious partners) and it has worked very well for me. After we had sex in March I decided that it was a little close to my fertile period for comfort, so I took the morning after pill. Since my teens I have suffered from ovarian cysts that periodically rupture, and have always assumed I would have trouble conceiving (with my previous partner we weren't avoiding pregnancy, but it never happened). The morning after pill obviously didn't work. I know exactly what weekend I conceived on, but my first ultrasound placed me at being about four days further along than I actually was (meaning I must have ovulated about five days early, about three days after my period ended).
I found out I was pregnant two days after my period was due to begin, and just burst into tears, horrified. The father does not want the pregnancy to continue, but has said he will be supportive if I decide to have it. I know that this is very early into a relationship to consider bringing a child into the equation. My biggest fear about having the baby is that in just over a year I will be unemployed (my contract expires and there is no possibility of prolongation) , and it scares the crap out of me that I might not be able to provide my child with the life I want for it, or even to have enough stability in the beginning. I'm also concerned that if my partner and I break up, what will happen to the baby, it would be so awful, especially as we would in that case likely end up on different continents. His mental health is not great at the moment due to sustained stress at work, I'm quite sure that having a baby would result in him having a nervous breakdown, something he basically as much confirmed. Our relationship was headed in such a good direction, and we had discussed children already, but decided that we would try in a year or so, once we were more confident in our relationship, plus had more stability in terms of jobs.
I'm struggling with this more than anything I've ever struggled with in my life. I wish wish wish this was happening in a years time. I wish I could pause this pregnancy and resume it in a years time. All my life I've known I want to be a mother, and this is the most painful decision I have ever had to make. My biggest fears are as follows:
-What if I can't get pregnant again. I will be 35 this year. If I terminate I will have to be ok with the possibility that I will never have children of my own, which will be exceptionally hard.
-Prior to conception and until I found out I was pregnant, I wasn't taking folic acid, I was drinking and smoking (especially the smoking) heavily, and was having really hot baths (which sounds like a stupid concern, but given how frequent and hot they were, coupled with no folic acid, is scaring me a lot). The minute I found out I completely stopped drinking and smoking and immediately began taking folic acid and other supplements. I had several instances of spotting.
-What if I ruin my career. I wish the world was different, but I know that if I were to apply for jobs now and start one, and immediately went on maternity leave, I would never progress at that company (or if I stayed in academia, that group). If I stay in my current position until contract runs out, I will be unemployed with a newborn very soon. I worked so hard for so many years to get to where I am now, and I selfishly don't want to give that up. Another consideration (that comes across as very superficial I know) is that I have a lot of travel coming up this summer for work, that will involve physical work in a difficult outdoor environment. How will I manage.
-What if my partner and I break up and end up on different continents, how could that even be managed with a child. At least if we had more time together before having a baby, we could be more sure.
I booked in for a termination when I was at 5 weeks. Had the ultrasound and blood tests and took time to think after. I have the photo from the ultrasound, which surprisingly doesn't make me as sad as I thought it would. I'm booked in for a consultation this Wednesday, with an appointment for surgical termination on Thursday. I feel like I've gone crazy, like I've somehow cracked into two parts. Half of the time I am fine with the idea of termination, and can logically see that it's not the right time for a baby, and would try again properly for a "wanted"/planned baby in a year. The other half of the time the idea of a termination fills me with dread and fear and I can do nothing but cry. Neither option is attractive, both are terrible. A baby arriving in November to a mother who will be unemployed and isn't ready and a father who didn't want it yet, or a termination that could very likely end up with me having a complete breakdown.
I have no idea what to do, and need to decide soon. I feel like either way my life is ruined. Does anyone have any stories of being so completely undecided about a termination, having the termination, and ending up being ok after emotionally? I've looked forward to being pregnant my whole life and feel like I've ruined motherhood for myself. I have had no happiness in this pregnancy and feel like I won't be able to for a future pregnancy. This feels like the most perverse thing I have ever thought, and I'm so ashamed, but I've wished many times for a miscarriage so this decision would be out of my hands. I love my tiny baby but need to now decide if I love it enough to ask it to come back to me in a years time when I'm ready to be its mother, and can give it the life it deserves, or to have it now.
If anyone has any advice whatsoever, or a kind word, I would really appreciate it. I am broken.
P.S. this ended up not being concise at all, I'm so sorry. Thank you if you've read this far.