Terrified I'll regret an abortion

[scaredorganicyoghurt]

Hi everyone.

I'll try to keep this concise. I'm 34, and am approximately 8 and a half weeks pregnant. The pregnancy was utterly unplanned, my partner and I are a relatively new relationship, we have been together for 9 months now (7 months when I got pregnant), he is 38. We currently live in different cities (2hours apart) but were beginning to discuss moving in together before this happened. We both are academics. We aren't from the same country, and live in a third country.

I have been using the fertility awareness method for birth control since I went off the pill in my mid-late twenties (only with established serious partners) and it has worked very well for me. After we had sex in March I decided that it was a little close to my fertile period for comfort, so I took the morning after pill. Since my teens I have suffered from ovarian cysts that periodically rupture, and have always assumed I would have trouble conceiving (with my previous partner we weren't avoiding pregnancy, but it never happened). The morning after pill obviously didn't work. I know exactly what weekend I conceived on, but my first ultrasound placed me at being about four days further along than I actually was (meaning I must have ovulated about five days early, about three days after my period ended).

I found out I was pregnant two days after my period was due to begin, and just burst into tears, horrified. The father does not want the pregnancy to continue, but has said he will be supportive if I decide to have it. I know that this is very early into a relationship to consider bringing a child into the equation. My biggest fear about having the baby is that in just over a year I will be unemployed (my contract expires and there is no possibility of prolongation) , and it scares the crap out of me that I might not be able to provide my child with the life I want for it, or even to have enough stability in the beginning. I'm also concerned that if my partner and I break up, what will happen to the baby, it would be so awful, especially as we would in that case likely end up on different continents. His mental health is not great at the moment due to sustained stress at work, I'm quite sure that having a baby would result in him having a nervous breakdown, something he basically as much confirmed. Our relationship was headed in such a good direction, and we had discussed children already, but decided that we would try in a year or so, once we were more confident in our relationship, plus had more stability in terms of jobs.

I'm struggling with this more than anything I've ever struggled with in my life. I wish wish wish this was happening in a years time. I wish I could pause this pregnancy and resume it in a years time. All my life I've known I want to be a mother, and this is the most painful decision I have ever had to make. My biggest fears are as follows:
-What if I can't get pregnant again. I will be 35 this year. If I terminate I will have to be ok with the possibility that I will never have children of my own, which will be exceptionally hard.
-Prior to conception and until I found out I was pregnant, I wasn't taking folic acid, I was drinking and smoking (especially the smoking) heavily, and was having really hot baths (which sounds like a stupid concern, but given how frequent and hot they were, coupled with no folic acid, is scaring me a lot). The minute I found out I completely stopped drinking and smoking and immediately began taking folic acid and other supplements. I had several instances of spotting.
-What if I ruin my career. I wish the world was different, but I know that if I were to apply for jobs now and start one, and immediately went on maternity leave, I would never progress at that company (or if I stayed in academia, that group). If I stay in my current position until contract runs out, I will be unemployed with a newborn very soon. I worked so hard for so many years to get to where I am now, and I selfishly don't want to give that up. Another consideration (that comes across as very superficial I know) is that I have a lot of travel coming up this summer for work, that will involve physical work in a difficult outdoor environment. How will I manage.
-What if my partner and I break up and end up on different continents, how could that even be managed with a child. At least if we had more time together before having a baby, we could be more sure.

I booked in for a termination when I was at 5 weeks. Had the ultrasound and blood tests and took time to think after. I have the photo from the ultrasound, which surprisingly doesn't make me as sad as I thought it would. I'm booked in for a consultation this Wednesday, with an appointment for surgical termination on Thursday. I feel like I've gone crazy, like I've somehow cracked into two parts. Half of the time I am fine with the idea of termination, and can logically see that it's not the right time for a baby, and would try again properly for a "wanted"/planned baby in a year. The other half of the time the idea of a termination fills me with dread and fear and I can do nothing but cry. Neither option is attractive, both are terrible. A baby arriving in November to a mother who will be unemployed and isn't ready and a father who didn't want it yet, or a termination that could very likely end up with me having a complete breakdown.

I have no idea what to do, and need to decide soon. I feel like either way my life is ruined. Does anyone have any stories of being so completely undecided about a termination, having the termination, and ending up being ok after emotionally? I've looked forward to being pregnant my whole life and feel like I've ruined motherhood for myself. I have had no happiness in this pregnancy and feel like I won't be able to for a future pregnancy. This feels like the most perverse thing I have ever thought, and I'm so ashamed, but I've wished many times for a miscarriage so this decision would be out of my hands. I love my tiny baby but need to now decide if I love it enough to ask it to come back to me in a years time when I'm ready to be its mother, and can give it the life it deserves, or to have it now.

If anyone has any advice whatsoever, or a kind word, I would really appreciate it. I am broken.

P.S. this ended up not being concise at all, I'm so sorry. Thank you if you've read this far.

You want this baby. You should have this baby. All of the "obstacles" you mention are really nothing. You're caring, you're intelligent, and you're resourceful, I assure you that everything will work out.

If I were you, I would be telling your partner that he has a choice, and he needs to make it quickly. He can either join you on this journey, pull his shit together, and feel privileged to share in the life of this remarkable person you've created, or he can fuck right off. I would not tolerate any middle ground. He is every single bit as responsible for this baby as you are, and him saying "wait a year and I'll be ready is complete bullshit.

He's in, or he's out.

Oh sweetie, what a rubbish situation.

I think if you're worried you'd regret it it's probably best to at least wait until you're sure either way. I remember having an unplanned pregnancy much younger than you and thinking that I wanted that baby but later but that wasn't an option. I kept him in the expectation that I'd be a single mum if needed and actually things were much better than the worse case scenario I imagined. I think the thing that swung it for me was knowing that if I got rid of the pregnancy I'd always see that baby when I had kids in the future and I couldn't bear it.

Thank you for your message! Did you know you would keep the pregnancy straight away or were your also conflicted about it? I'm sorry that you were in a toxic relationship :/ you must have met your husband when your daughter was quite young. I'm sorry that you haven't been able to conceive, but I'm so glad to hear you have your daughter.

Before I posted here I was reading as many posts from other women over the years here on mumsnet who were conflicted about an abortion, or those who regretted it. I know that I would regret with my whole heart if I couldn't have a child. You've given me more food for thought, thank you xx

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that termination would be my way forward here.

From what you've said, your job isn't 'just' a job, it's an established career that you want to nurture and extend. It wouldn't be a case of just getting a new job in a shop or bank or whatever and being perfectly happy doing that. You'd be making a huge sacrifice if you left it, by the sounds of it.

Your relationship doesn't sound secure enough to deal with the reality of having a baby to raise.

Basically, all the preferable/essential elements aren't present here.

Should add that I've had more than one abortion and I have two daughters.

I can only comment on the job situation - as an academic (I guess a postdoc), you have lots of skills that are in demand. can you code? can you do stats? can you write reports? there is a lot of demand for these things including part-time work and work from home that still pays well. And if you take time out from academia, there are schemes like the Daphne Jackson Fellowship that give you an opportunity to come back in 2-5 years time. So if you decide to keep the pregnancy, it does not mean the end of your career.

Thank you so much for your kind words 😭

Maybe a bit too analytical but think of it like a risk based analysis. what is the risk associated with having the baby vs the risk of not?

I would also like to add that even planned pregnancies, which are very much wanted, can send the mother into a complete frenzy of panic and anxiety for a few weeks. It happened to me and all of my children were planned and with my husband of almost 10 years. I think it's pretty normal to have a bit of a freak out. How would you feel if your partner was really excited about the baby?

Thank you for writing to me! Yes, I'm a few years into my first postdoc. I don't have good skills in coding and am not secure enough in stats to do it professionally unfortunately. I do mostly analytical chemistry and -omics stuff, which doesn't translate well into other subjects :/ I'm considering moving to industry, and why I think this is a terrible time to have a baby is I would essentially either apply now and not tell them I'm pregnant, and take maternity leave immediately, or else stay in my current position for as long as I can and wrangle maternity leave, and then maybe apply for industry next year, but I also don't know if that's viable with a newborn. If I have a baby now academia would be a pipe dream, there is no way I'd be in a position to be applying for big grants for my own group yet, and taking time out to have a baby (I would want to take the time off, I wouldn't be able to work throughout) would kind of end that. I'm panicking big time :(
also, thank you for telling me about the Daphne Jackson Fellowship, I hadn't heard of it!

@scaredorganicyoghurt
so basically I already had children and the dad definitely didn’t want this baby. I was pretty much a single mum by then anyway as he left me when I got pregnant . I thought the abortion was the best decision for myself and my other children as I could manage with them but not sure I could manage another one on my own. The abortion felt wrong though and I let my head and all the worries rule my heart and gut instinct.
Anyway I’ve since suffered very bad depression and anxiety because of the abortion and making that decision. I find it hard being with my kids as it makes me feel guilty. I’d do anything to go back and not have the abortion.
I would never try and talk another women out of an abortion either as it can be the best decision she can make also . If this was my first child or from a different dad it wouldn’t be so hard but it’s because I have it’s siblings it’s very hard for me .
that’s why I say very different circumstances to you and if you were younger it would be different. But I think 34 is a good age to have a baby in case you can’t in the future x

@Elsiebear90
I agree!

@Unsurprised456
sorry to hear this . It sounds similar to what I’m going through. It’s definitely changed my life for the worse. Feel free to message me if you want to chat x

I've thought about that a lot, how I would feel if he was excited about it. I think at first I would still have been horrified, more than I was to be honest, and then after a while I probably would have been really happy :( The last fortnight I've been thinking how different this could have been if he was excited about it :( sometimes I can see his points (and my own) on why having a baby now would be a bad idea, and sometimes I can't see them at all. I can't seem to imagine what life would be like with a newborn either though.

I worry that I'm more afraid of having an abortion than I am excited about the idea of a baby, which is why this is so difficult. I've always wanted a baby, but right now I just wish this didn't happen and I didn't have to make a decision, because I want neither option right now, I just want my old life with my old worries back. I know I need to grow up and make a decision though, because head-in-the-sand-ing it won't work in a situation like this, mother nature marches on.

I've thought about that a lot, how I would feel if he was excited about it. I think at first I would still have been horrified, more than I was to be honest, and then after a while I probably would have been really happy :( The last fortnight I've been thinking how different this could have been if he was excited about it :( sometimes I can see his points (and my own) on why having a baby now would be a bad idea, and sometimes I can't see them at all. I can't seem to imagine what life would be like with a newborn either though.

I worry that I'm more afraid of having an abortion than I am excited about the idea of a baby, which is why this is so difficult. I've always wanted a baby, but right now I just wish this didn't happen and I didn't have to make a decision, because I want neither option right now, I just want my old life with my old worries back. I know I need to grow up and make a decision though, because head-in-the-sand-ing it won't work in a situation like this, mother nature marches on.

I had a termination at 33. Happily married but my anxiety was poor following a traumatic event and unemployment/finances were an issue. I was utterly torn. As soon as I found out I started folic acid etc. Convinced myself it would be okay (and in fairness it might have been) but after about a week I totally brokedown and admitted to my husband and also my best friend that I didn't want to continue the pregnancy. I felt ashamed and guilty. I was terrified I would regret it forever. Spent so much time crying. I had some phone counselling and even on the day of the termination I had a wobble thinking my future life might be consumed by regret. Afterwards I felt a huge weight had been lifted. I will always regret getting pregnant in the first place (the traumatic event left me getting sloppy with my daily contraceptive) but I have never regretted the termination. I got my life sorted and had a baby 4 years later. Felt so so different right from the very start. No one can tell you how you will feel but you asked for stories and this is mine.

Many woman have terminations that love their baby, but they say no to the pregnancy for many reasons.
OP this is a gut feeling time, head/heart conflict will leave you confused, if your gut feeling is one way or another trust in that to make your choice.
If you are still undecided do nothing, you can't undo certain things in life and this is one thing that when you're 50/50 you continue.
You are still sat in shock and panic, let yourself have time to breathe and do what is ok ( it doesn't or wont feel 'the right thing' but what feels less worse) for you, not your partner who is using the oldest excuse in the book, this is your choice and he won't have a breakdown, he's being a dick.
Your body, your choice. Which ever way you can do this.

Please don't abort if you are worried about regretting it and are already attached. If we all sat and thought about the what ifs none of us would ever have children. I had a termination for medical reasons nearly 8 years ago now and I regret my decision every day. I have been suicidal because of it. I was in a low place and made the wrong choice. There is no way back for me, I feel like I'm in Hell some days, but if there's even a tiny part of you that wants to keep your baby then please do. Don't end up like me.

OP I'm sorry you are going though this at the moment, what a tough, life changing decision, either way.

One question I'd ask you is - if you decided to keep the baby, do you think you'd feel relieved at your decision?

I am totally and utterly pro-choice, but you're so conflicted that I would be afraid it'd be something you regret. If you were 20, it'd be a different story but there are no guarantees at 35 (or whenever your partner thinks it's the 'right time'.)

I wish you all the best with your decision.

P. S For the record, I think your partner is acting like a dick. Threatening you with a breakdown is just emotional blackmail for him to get his way, honestly. Take some time out for yourself to decide what is right for YOU.

I was conflicted throughout because I knew the relationship was so bad but I was unable to leave until he forced my hand. It felt wrong to abort, for me, it just didn't feel right, but I considered it later on because it just felt so wrong to have a baby in that relationship, but again I'm glad I did.

I got with my husband when my baby was 1.5 and I was again very fortunate as he is amazing and wanted into our family. I had given up on meeting anyone but he came alone because I was living my life and he admired what I was doing bringing my child up alone.

Thank you for your kind words.

If you have the baby you won't regret it I don't think. It can be difficult but I can't describe how thankful I am for my beautiful child. She's changed my entire perspective on life.

Good luck.xx

I am sorry you are going through this OP.

One thing I would say is the job market is very good at the moment. If you're an academic presumably you wouldn't struggle to find permanent employment. You have time to look for a different role so you don't have to do outdoor physical work this summer (although adjustments would have to be made if you stayed in your contract).

I wouldn't be defeatist about being unemployed.

Do you have supportive friends and family around you?

This is a reasonable statement, and one I would be making myself had I read this post and it were written by someone else. I imagine he is feeling the same panic and shock and terror as I am, although obviously far less viscerally because it's not his body that is changing, nor is he experiencing the massive rush of hormones. This whole thing is a massive shock for the both of us. That said, at the beginning when we first found out I was pregnant, he essentially viewed abortion as like taking the morning after pill just a little more extreme. He said that he always thought I would have an abortion because I'm "so pro-women's rights", which pissed me off big time, because being pro-choice does not mean I am pro aborting every single pregnancy, like what kind of thinking is that?? He hadn't been that interested in how I'm feeling physically, until I brought it up to him, and he completely changed his behaviour for the better.

What you wrote is not something I haven't thought.

I'm so glad to hear that you are doing much better in terms of your mental health and have made big steps in healing. Thank you for sharing your story with me, I really appreciate it. Can I ask how easy it was for you to conceive the 3 years later? Did you have any feelings about the abortion brought up by being pregnant again? I think I know what you mean by saying it felt so different right from the start. I always wanted a happy pregnancy.

Yes I agree with you. I love my little baby so much, and don't want to hurt it at all, even if I do end up not continuing with the pregnancy, which is why I've stopped drinking and smoking and everything.
I've decided to go to the appointment tomorrow but only as a fact-finding mission essentially. For the ultrasound and to see how everything is, and to talk to her about my feelings. She's a gynae/obstetrician who specialises in abortion, and will have a lot of experience. She seems really really nice. You're right, ending a pregnancy is something that can't ever be taken back, and I can't go into it undecided and expect that it wouldn't have massive repercussions for me.