Terrified I'll regret an abortion

[scaredorganicyoghurt]

Hi everyone.

I'll try to keep this concise. I'm 34, and am approximately 8 and a half weeks pregnant. The pregnancy was utterly unplanned, my partner and I are a relatively new relationship, we have been together for 9 months now (7 months when I got pregnant), he is 38. We currently live in different cities (2hours apart) but were beginning to discuss moving in together before this happened. We both are academics. We aren't from the same country, and live in a third country.

I have been using the fertility awareness method for birth control since I went off the pill in my mid-late twenties (only with established serious partners) and it has worked very well for me. After we had sex in March I decided that it was a little close to my fertile period for comfort, so I took the morning after pill. Since my teens I have suffered from ovarian cysts that periodically rupture, and have always assumed I would have trouble conceiving (with my previous partner we weren't avoiding pregnancy, but it never happened). The morning after pill obviously didn't work. I know exactly what weekend I conceived on, but my first ultrasound placed me at being about four days further along than I actually was (meaning I must have ovulated about five days early, about three days after my period ended).

I found out I was pregnant two days after my period was due to begin, and just burst into tears, horrified. The father does not want the pregnancy to continue, but has said he will be supportive if I decide to have it. I know that this is very early into a relationship to consider bringing a child into the equation. My biggest fear about having the baby is that in just over a year I will be unemployed (my contract expires and there is no possibility of prolongation) , and it scares the crap out of me that I might not be able to provide my child with the life I want for it, or even to have enough stability in the beginning. I'm also concerned that if my partner and I break up, what will happen to the baby, it would be so awful, especially as we would in that case likely end up on different continents. His mental health is not great at the moment due to sustained stress at work, I'm quite sure that having a baby would result in him having a nervous breakdown, something he basically as much confirmed. Our relationship was headed in such a good direction, and we had discussed children already, but decided that we would try in a year or so, once we were more confident in our relationship, plus had more stability in terms of jobs.

I'm struggling with this more than anything I've ever struggled with in my life. I wish wish wish this was happening in a years time. I wish I could pause this pregnancy and resume it in a years time. All my life I've known I want to be a mother, and this is the most painful decision I have ever had to make. My biggest fears are as follows:
-What if I can't get pregnant again. I will be 35 this year. If I terminate I will have to be ok with the possibility that I will never have children of my own, which will be exceptionally hard.
-Prior to conception and until I found out I was pregnant, I wasn't taking folic acid, I was drinking and smoking (especially the smoking) heavily, and was having really hot baths (which sounds like a stupid concern, but given how frequent and hot they were, coupled with no folic acid, is scaring me a lot). The minute I found out I completely stopped drinking and smoking and immediately began taking folic acid and other supplements. I had several instances of spotting.
-What if I ruin my career. I wish the world was different, but I know that if I were to apply for jobs now and start one, and immediately went on maternity leave, I would never progress at that company (or if I stayed in academia, that group). If I stay in my current position until contract runs out, I will be unemployed with a newborn very soon. I worked so hard for so many years to get to where I am now, and I selfishly don't want to give that up. Another consideration (that comes across as very superficial I know) is that I have a lot of travel coming up this summer for work, that will involve physical work in a difficult outdoor environment. How will I manage.
-What if my partner and I break up and end up on different continents, how could that even be managed with a child. At least if we had more time together before having a baby, we could be more sure.

I booked in for a termination when I was at 5 weeks. Had the ultrasound and blood tests and took time to think after. I have the photo from the ultrasound, which surprisingly doesn't make me as sad as I thought it would. I'm booked in for a consultation this Wednesday, with an appointment for surgical termination on Thursday. I feel like I've gone crazy, like I've somehow cracked into two parts. Half of the time I am fine with the idea of termination, and can logically see that it's not the right time for a baby, and would try again properly for a "wanted"/planned baby in a year. The other half of the time the idea of a termination fills me with dread and fear and I can do nothing but cry. Neither option is attractive, both are terrible. A baby arriving in November to a mother who will be unemployed and isn't ready and a father who didn't want it yet, or a termination that could very likely end up with me having a complete breakdown.

I have no idea what to do, and need to decide soon. I feel like either way my life is ruined. Does anyone have any stories of being so completely undecided about a termination, having the termination, and ending up being ok after emotionally? I've looked forward to being pregnant my whole life and feel like I've ruined motherhood for myself. I have had no happiness in this pregnancy and feel like I won't be able to for a future pregnancy. This feels like the most perverse thing I have ever thought, and I'm so ashamed, but I've wished many times for a miscarriage so this decision would be out of my hands. I love my tiny baby but need to now decide if I love it enough to ask it to come back to me in a years time when I'm ready to be its mother, and can give it the life it deserves, or to have it now.

If anyone has any advice whatsoever, or a kind word, I would really appreciate it. I am broken.

P.S. this ended up not being concise at all, I'm so sorry. Thank you if you've read this far.

Oh god Curly I'm so sorry to hear about your suffering. I wish I could send you a hug. That's a long time you have been suffering, and I really hope you are able to find some resolution and peace. Sending you lots of love xxx thank you for your message xxx

Totally agree...if you even have the slightest doubt, then you have your answer...you should keep it.

Thanks Mara, yes it's like a watershed moment in my life. Even if I have the termination and from the outside my life is the same as it was before, everything will have changed. Already I'm not the same person I was two months ago, and never will be again.

When I think about keeping the baby, I feel relief and clarity, and I don't panic and cry. After a while though I start to panic about what that actually means, what keeping the pregnancy means in practical terms, and that I would be agreeing to having a little person with me in just seven short months, forever, who I am to be responsible for and love and raise, which scares the sht out of me, and then I cycle back to termination, which for a short period doesn't make me sick with panic, but then I think about the practical realities of what that would involve, what the room would look like, how I would feel as they put the needle in my arm, what the sounds would be like, how I would cry and cry after it and then in the evening be back in bed, but a completely changed person, and I panic and cry again.

If I was 20 or even 25 this would be a much much different thing. I'm sure I would struggle with it emotionally, but I would also know that it was for the best for my life and my own development. Now I'm not so sure. What will be that much different about me in a year's time, except that maybe I will have a permanent job and perhaps and mortgage and be married (which actually those are massive things). Emotionally I don't expect to grow much in the next year unless something life-altering comes along (ha ha, like this). I'm taking more time for myself to think about this issue. I am not at the stage where I could go into the appointment tomorrow knowing 100% (or even knowing 70%), so I will not risk it. It can't be undone, but I have more time to wait.

Your situation sounds so similar to mine (except that my bf is not an abusive prck), which is really giving me pause to think. If you could do it I'm sure I can do it. I need to be sure of my decision though, I don't want to go into either without being as certain as I can be, because if I choose wrong and feel differently after either event, it's either one life ruined (mine) or two (my baby's and my own).

xxx

I don't think you want an abortion and I think you would regret it, going by what you have said. Everyone freaks out about providing for their baby and I'm pretty sure everyone feels overwhelmed with their first baby. What is your relationship with your parents like?

Have you tried a coin toss?
Heads you keep it, tails you abort.
See what you get.
Then examine how you feel.

This isn't about actually deciding on the coin toss, but acting as if you will and then seeing what your gut reaction to that is.

Thanks for your message Sarah. Yeah I hope I'd be able to find a job, selfishly I want to find the perfect job that would continue my career as I want it, which I know isn't reasonable at the best of times, let alone now (we all need to eat and pay for things, and a baby would of course come first). My work this summer wouldn't have to include me doing the physical work, but I really want to do it, this could be my last chance at doing/running field work (which I love) (and again I know a selfish consideration). I wouldn't be that upset if I had to do office work here instead, god knows I have enough that I'm behind on.

As I'm abroad I don't have any family near me. I have good friends here, which I'm grateful for. My parents would come and help me, especially my mum, but they are getting old. They can't move here though, so I can't rely on them for childcare (which I know my mum would love to help with, even just a few days a week). I don't have siblings or other close relatives I could rely on.

Relationship with my parents is great, my mum in particular would be delighted by this, my dad less so especially as me and bf are not married, but I'm sure he would come around. I would definitely get the talk of "are you sure you want to do this, you have options" from him, but not my mum.

Yeah I guess everyone panics at first. I hate how time-limited this is, because that panic completely takes over you for the first few weeks, and even though I feel slightly more clear than I did a few weeks ago, I'm sure if I look back in two weeks I'd see myself as still being in turmoil and not able to be that rational.

In your position I would not terminate, no way. You want to be a mother, you're 34 and were planning to TTC in less than a year anyway. This is just an early, unexpected gift. Of course it is scary, but if your BF was truly intending to TTC with you in less than a year then you will both get over your shock. Congratulations! You can do this 😀

I haven't, but I guess I've done variations on it. 7 times out of 10 the thought of abortion makes me sick with grief, 4 times out of 10 the thought of keeping the baby makes me sick with worry. I know how the numbers are skewed, and in which direction. It doesn't help with the absolute panic I'm feeling though :(

If you were planning to TTC next year, you are 34, have had gynecological issues in the past (do I remember that correctly?), have skills/qualifications that you can return to and potentially have your parents for support, I would be keeping the baby. If the thought of abortion makes you sick with grief now, how do you think you will feel afterwards, when it's done and can't be undone? If you struggle to conceive in the future, will you be able to accept being childless?

OP, let me just remind you that you have another possible 31 years of work ahead of you. This is a mere hitch in the road for a year (maybe a bit less, maybe a bit more), and you'll find a new way of doing things and meeting your career goals.

It's normal to be terrified OP. Also new babies don't have to be expensive (obviously long-term children are expensive!)

If you can breastfeed the only things you really need are a good sling, somewhere for baby to sleep (crib or Moses basket) changing things and some second hand clothes and that will get you through the first six months.

Yes, babies are terrifying, even when planned! I think everyone gets the what have I done days. I wouldn't let that make your decision.

I can't link back to my previous post but to answer your questions-

1. I had no difficulty conceiving. I was pregnant the first month we tried.

Pregnancy didn't trigger anything significant for me, although I was quite poorly with HG throughout so very little time/energy to reflect. There were a couple of times when my baby was tiny that it flashed through my mind 'I could have been in this position years ago' ie holding a precious newborn. The feelings that went along with this weren't regret. It was more like confirmation that the time before hadn't been right for us whereas this felt 100 percent right.

I hope you manage to work out a decision that works for you. Sometimes when I'm stuck I try to consider the fact I perhaps have two good options, albeit very different, rather than one being right and one being wrong.

Hi everyone, thought I'd post a little update.
I had my appointment with the doctor today, and it was a bit weird. She wasn't as nice as I was expecting, and was kind of shitty to me when I explained my reasons for considering a termination. She seemed annoyed somehow when I said that I needed more time to think, and she also made me feel as though my reasons and concerns were kind of ridiculous (having a termination now but wanting to conceive in a year? -doesn't make sense, don't have the termination. Being concerned about how getting pregnant in the future even though you know abortion doesn't affect fertility? -don't be silly you got pregnant once you can get pregnant again). I also asked about genetic testing if I keep it and she made me feel kind of stupid for even asking, telling me about how it's all only chance essentially, nothing is known for sure, and she knows many women who got told their babies would likely have genetic disorders but were born healthy. It felt like I was wasting her time.

Anyway, all that aside, the both of us are fine. I saw little hands and legs flying around the place, and the heartbeat. Thought the leg was a giant penis for a second till she corrected me. I hadn't realised that the baby would move so much, it was crazy, I couldn't believe how much it was moving. I read after that foetal movement at this early stage often happens when the mother is stressed or happy, and I haven't been happy in quite a while so it was obviously stress. I hate to think that my stress is affecting it 😥

Anyway, I'm still heartbroken and torn, and overwhelmingly terrified by either option. I guess I know what I'm leaning slightly more towards than I was a few days ago, which is keeping it. I still don't know though. I'll continue to think over all options.

Thank you all for your comments, you've really really helped me, all of you xx

Hey OP, what a difficult situation to be in ! You'll have people saying they aborted and regretted it, others who will say the opposite, but at the end of the day everyone's circumstances are different and no one but you can decide what is right for you.

However, to me it does sound like you want to keep it.

If I were in your place I would. PP have already pointed this out but consider the following :

• You want children


• Considering you're 34 with previous gynae issues, you'd need to ttc very soon regardless


• I don't know your field but it doesn't really sound like you'd necessarily have a stable job in a year, or even the year after that.


• As others have pointed out, you still have two thirds of your career ahead of you, but only a few years of potentially being able to conceive.


• While everything is not ideal in a worst case scenario you have the option to move back home for a few months (that'll give you time to look for a new job)


• Objectively there's never an ideal time to have a baby - there's always the next big promotion, a house move, a change in career, etc. This may be even less ideal but nothing that cannot be managed

Think about your life in 15 years. Imagine you've aborted and have a great career but couldn't have children - how would you feel about it ? How would you feel if you aborted and then your career didn't take off anyway, and then you had issues conceiving ? How would you feel if you had the baby but ended up with a dead-end job that you don't enjoy ? Which of these outcomes seems the best or least bad ?

Obviously we all hope that you can have the career and the children you want, but in order to decide and not regret anything you need to consider the worst case scenarios.

I chose to be a single parent at 30 because I couldn't conceive of a future without children, and I didn't want to put my fate in the hands of a maybe-potential-future-partner. I have two amazing boys now and I feel blessed every day of my life.

Obviously my situation was vastly different - I had a secure job and the pregnancies were wanted. Even so it does feel momentous and a huge responsibility to be a parent ! But if the choice is job vs. child for me there's no doubt I'd pick child. I have 30 years to build my career, I only have a few more years to have children (currently I am 35).

I certainly don't mean to convince you to either abort or not, the decision is yours and you need to make the choice that is right for you. But you need to make this choice after considering and weighing all of the options. Don't let panic choose for you. Consider all the possible outcomes of both decisions and see which you feel most at ease with.

@Marty13 What a wise post.

OP good luck with your decision.

I do very much wish you had got to see a warm, kind understanding doctor instead of one who made you feel like you wasted her time. But- I do think she is right- that it just doesn't make sense to have an abortion when you do want to conceive in a year's time. As a scientist maybe you could see a year plus/minus as the natural sort of standard deviation around timing of conception- it is just not something that can be controlled or timed very exactly. It easily, easily happens that a woman wants to conceive and it takes a year (or several years) longer. It might just not happen. You might have a miscarriage (or a few) at first. Or the horror and tragic or a stillbirth. So maybe to the doctor (and I would agree) it feels like a year earlier than expected is still reasonably around the point in time at which you ideally would have chosen to conceive, IYSWIM?

I also can't make sense of how you are speaking fondly about your baby moving around and not wanting to affect it with your stress and so on, and then are still considering to just get rid of it. Imagine just a few months down the line, you are cooing at your wished-for baby's movements and following its growth etc. It would feel strange to you to have done the same with this baby and then just got rid of it as if you didn't care. It just doesn't make sense.

It really sounds to me as though you are bonding with this baby already, and it doesn't make sense (and I would worry about the impacts on you of) terminating a baby you're bonding with. So I wonder if you could explore more the fears you have that make you think this way? Perhaps with a counsellor? Maybe your mind is trying to come up with supposedly 'rational' reasons for aborting when really you just need to face your fears and work through them. OP, all the best to you

Hi @scaredorganicyoghurt . I know this post is old, but I am currently in a similar situation and just wanted to see what you decided and how you’ve felt after, either way. ❤️

Please when bleeding starts after taking mifepristone,can you proceed to take the miprostol or the medication end there

Hi Christabel, I advise starting your own thread and people might be able to give you advice. I don't have personal experience myself, but I have heard of women who took the first tablet , changed their mind and the baby survived, if that is what you are asking.

Hi @Umm4ever, sorry to hear you're in a similar position, I wouldn't wish the pain of this on anyone.

Long story short, I had the termination, and have regretted it every single second since. In a couple of months it will have been a year ago, and although I do manage to function in my day to day life, I still absolutely am suffering. I will admit that my professional life has "benefited" from my not having had a baby at that point in time, but it doesn't change my feelings. Most days I feel like I would burn my degrees to have my baby back (which I know I'm sure I don't mean, but I just feel so terrible).

If you want to talk, or share some more of your story, I'd be happy to talk with you. There's also another thread on here of us who have regretted our decisions if you want to have a look for more info.

I know termination is the right decision for a lot of women who choose it, but for me it wasn't. I wish every day that I had listened to the women on here who told me that I would regret it for the rest of my life, I really bitterly wish I had listened.

Sending you lots of love xx

@scaredorganicyoghurt thanks for your reply, and I just read through the thread you were talking about. Those feelings of ongoing regret are exactly what I’m afraid of.

Your original post resonated with me because I too live abroad without any family support around, so would be doing this completely solo. The ‘father’, who I dated briefly a few years ago but even more briefly this time around (pregnant second time we had sex) is adamant he does not want me to continue the pregnancy, so I would be 100% a solo mum on this front (I guess at best he’d see the kid every couple of weeks, but perhaps he’ll choose not to be involved). In any case, I’d be doing it alone, which is terrifying. He was aware I wasn’t on the pill, and chose not to use a condom (I should have better boundaries, one lesson learned from this…) and sees abortion as contraception, which really angers me (I’m pro choice, but it is not contraception , and not as easy as popping the morning after pill, at least not in my book).

Like you, I’m also worried (though more certain because I’m a lot older than you) that this is my only chance to have a child. I turn 41 next week (never dreaded a birthday so much!). I found out at 4 weeks that I was pregnant- it’s now week 12, so I’ve been sitting on this for far too long, swaying hourly between one option and the other (torture really).

I’ve also (probably disproportionate) concerns about having a child with special needs such as severe autism, and how I’d cope with that given I’m all alone with no support (I wouldn’t cope is the answer). The father is 52, so apparently this increases the risk of autism twofold, and he comes from a long line of boys, and having a boy also has heightened risk.. I don’t know why overly dwelled on this, i’m just petrified of being in a situation alone with a child with full, life long needs.

anyway, i thought, given my ‘advanced maternal age’ that I would have miscarried by now… and especially in the early days that’s what I hoped for (sounds awful, but seemed like the only road out without regret). I hope to get the results of NIPT testing back in the next day or so (chromosomal abnormalities etc), though likelihood is they will all be fine. I do have a surgical termination booked for Friday… but I’ve also had the abortion pills since week 5 (never took them) and have rescheduled the termination a few times, stalling due to uncertainty, and I suppose sadly hoping that Mother Nature would step in, and now that the testing will tell me something is wrong which would make a termination more digestible to me.

but, time to make a decision. I’m worried I’ll regret the abortion, but I’m also worried I’ll regret becoming a single mum with no support around, which seems immensely difficult, as well as giving up the pretty great and free life I have. I think once I turned 40 I kind of had somewhat come to peace with the fact I likely wouldn’t have kids.

the funny thing is, I love children, get on brilliantly with them, my background is in child rights policy etc… I think this however makes me more aware of how challenging parenting (especially solo) is, and how I know my life will change completely for at least the next 18 years. How I’ll be pretty exhausted and isolated, with no break. I also worry that that’s it for ever meeting a long term partner… which makes me feel selfish and juvenile.

Feels like a lose-lose situation.

(sorry, that was a lot!)

@Umm4ever you're welcome!

So first things first, what I've realised very acutely, is to not take the feelings of the father into account when you're feeling so divided. I wish to god I hadn't listened to mine or put his feelings ahead of mine. As we've discussed on the other thread, men have it SO EASY when it comes to things like this. The ease with which they suggest abortion as though it was like taking the morning after pill (mine even told me that's how he viewed it, can you BELIEVE it), is just callous beyond belief. They will never feel the extreme emotions that we do, and after it's done the only thing they feel is relief, while we're left with crippling depression and regret (not all women, of course, I'm speaking specifically about women in the same boat I was/am in). So, even though it feels absurd (because you don't want to disregard him or his feelings), I would recommend not taking him into account at all when making your decision.

When you say that you hope for a miscarriage so that the decision is out of your hands, god, that resonates. I felt the exact same way too, I thought that if Mother Nature took care of things for me it would be out of my hands. I was actually involved in a really minor car accident when I was pregnant (ridiculously minor, a car drove into the back of mine when we were stationary in traffic) and I remember hoping (god that sounds so fucked) that I would miscarry. Don't feel guilty for those feelings.

It's good that you have had NIPT testing done, that will hopefully put your mind at ease. The numbers will automatically be inflated because of your age, but it doesn't necessarily mean that your child will have a chromosomal disorder, it's just the way they calculate the stats (obv this is different if you get back a 1 in 2 chance or something like that). Autism is a worry, and also a big worry of mine going forwards. I've read a lot of papers about autism and what the links are, and although yes "advanced" paternal and maternal age are linked, they aren't the be all and end all. There are others things you can start doing to help reduce the risk, for example drinking filtered water (not a regular brita filter, one that gets pesticides etc out), as well as making sure you're taking folic acid and other supplements including omega fatty acids (make sure you aren't getting too much vitamin A). The important thing to remember is that women have been having healthy babies since the beginning of time, and that women in their forties in war zones (reduced access to clean water, insane levels of stress, no supplements etc) also deliver healthy babies, so try not to get too caught up in the worry.

You say you're worried about being a single mother and giving up the life you have now, but (again this is all just my own musings), I think that as a single mother in your early forties you would have just the best time, especially if you have money. If you don't have to deal with an arsehole bringing you down all the time, you'll be able to spend time with your little one and travel with them and show them the world, and watch them grow. Of course your life won't be the same, but different doesn't automatically mean worse. With regards to meeting a partner, you're only 40, and having a small child is really unlikely to rule you out of the dating pool. I have friends who are early forties and mid forties who have found really lovely partners, and they have children (one actually has five!!), so I also wouldn't worry about that aspect too much either.

So all that said, you should also think about what your life will be like if you do have the termination. You have to think really hard about how you would be able to cope, because the emotions afterwards are no joke. I had my boyfriend with me (we're still together), and I still haven't forgotten about how intense the panic attacks were, specially the morning after I had the surgery. I felt like my world was ending. If you get the surgery try to have a friend be there with you after.

Only you can make the decision, but it will have to be a decision you are able to live with for the rest of your life (and I'm so sorry for how dramatic that sounds). My therapist says that I "made the best decision I could at the time with the information I had", but to be honest it was only fear that made me make that decision. If I had a time machine and could go back knowing how I feel now, I would definitely not have gone through with it. Most women apparently don't feel like this after a termination, but I knew in my heart that I would, and did it anyway. I'm sorry my advice is so biased, but I can't lie to you or any other woman who has similar misgivings that I had, because even though I do have moments where I enjoy my life again, it has ruined me.

Out of curiosity, seeing as you're at 12 weeks, will the surgery be under general anaesthetic? I had a sort of "twilight" sedation and it was fucking horrific, so if you decide to get the surgery I'd prob go for general anaesthetic. I described my experience of surgical termination on another thread, in case you feel like reading it. Again, everyone's experience is different.

Sending you lots and lots of love, you aren't alone xxx