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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

Unplanned Pregnancy through 1 night stand

129 replies

Cymraeg12 · 12/12/2021 07:59

I’m 31yrs old, had a one night stand with someone that I’ve known for a few years and found out that I’m Pregnant a few days ago. I informed the guy that I was pregnant and said he wouldn’t a a-hole about the situation but once he realised that I was considering keeping the baby, it became all about him, that his family wouldn’t understand the situation as they were old school, that he didn’t want kids yet, that I was being selfish for keeping his baby even though he doesn’t want me too and is pushing me to get an abortion. I don’t think I could go through with it just for him.

Even though I have a supportive family and friends and this baby will never go without…he’s managed to get into my head and I can’t stop wondering now if I’m being selfish because I’ve wanted a child for as long as I can remember, having PCOS makes it harder and I know my age also comes into this at some point. I can’t stop feeling guilty that I will be bringing my child into the world knowing that their father doesn’t want them. I need some help because I feel like I’m in a fog and don’t know what to do!!!

OP posts:

Solasum · 12/12/2021 08:03

I think you need to try and take emotion out of it now and look at things as rationally as you can. You are pregnant already, so that is not his choice.

Can you afford to be a single mother? Can you afford to house, feed and clothe you both? Are you living somewhere suitable for a child and that you can sustain? Do you have friends and family locally that can be of any practical help? What are the childcare options like near you, and are they affordable? Is your career compatible with motherhood (eg 9-5, rather than constant travel) or would you need to make changes on this front?

Bananarama21 · 12/12/2021 08:05

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Original poster

Cymraeg12 · 12/12/2021 08:09

Very much trying to take emotions out of it but I suppose my hormones are making this hard.

I very much can afford to be a single mother, I have family and friends that all live close by and I have a home to bring this child up in. I know childcare where I live is rather expensive but as my Dad has just retired he has said that he will be more than happy to look after the baby when I go back to work. I work 9-5 so I wouldn’t have to change this.

OP posts:

Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese · 12/12/2021 08:11

This, you need to be logical and not emotional.

@Bananarama21 thats not helpful, sometimes contraception fails and you don't realise until you're already pregnant.

delilabell · 12/12/2021 08:13

@Bananarama21 don't be so ridiculous, I don't know whether you're aware but both people can use contraception not just the woman??
@op I think aaprevious poster has made some good points. You need to look at this practically but also, there are a huge amount of children with single parents/blended families etc who are perfectly happy. He could have said he'd support the baby and then changed his mind at any time.

MyOtherProfile · 12/12/2021 08:14

Your choice OP. He should have taken charge of the contraception if he was so against this happening.

Original poster

Cymraeg12 · 12/12/2021 08:14

I do not sleep around just to try and get pregnant. And I find the fact that you think this is okay to say disgusting. We used a condom but it split.

OP posts:

Ragwort · 12/12/2021 08:15

Do you really want to bring a child into the world who isn't wanted by their father?

Were you subconsciously trying to get pregnant by not using contraception? Did you discuss contraception with this man before having sex? What did he say about it?

Does your own father really want to do childcare? I am heading towards retirement and the last thing I would want to do is to be a child minder to my adult child's baby.

Ragwort · 12/12/2021 08:17

Sorry to be blunt but if you weren't planning to get pregnant and the condom split surely you would have gone straight to get the MAP ?

SW1amp · 12/12/2021 08:18

Have a look at a few threads from people having issues with family-provided childcare before you put all your eggs in that basket…
It’s rarely as simple as it initially seems..!

The amount of maintenance an absent father needs to pay is pitiful, and will barely cover his share of the food bill, let alone make any contribution to nursery costs, so when you do your budget, assume you’ll need to cover it all from your salary (plus benefits if you’re eligible), and treat the couple of hundred quid a month as a bonus rather than factor it in to your sums

FourTeaFallOut · 12/12/2021 08:18

You don't owe him an abortion to make his life easier. You need to set out what you want in life. It sounds like you feel you have the resources you need to make this work, so it's down to you.

herewegoOVERANDOVERagain · 12/12/2021 08:19

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chasingthunder · 12/12/2021 08:19

Congratulations btw. You already sound connected to your baby and think you have made your decision. Write a list down of all practicalities and money etc.

I won't lie having a baby will change your life in every area. I raised my youngest on my own whilst having two children 3&4 and it was so very hard the first few months. My daughters father did come around when she was around 3 and we were in a relationship when she was conceived!

Good luck with whatever you decide!

OakleyStreetisnotinChelsea · 12/12/2021 08:19

@Ragwort doesn't always work. My ds1 is a result of a split condom and MAP.

Solasum · 12/12/2021 08:22

@Cymraeg12 well, in which case you are in a better position than many people. Do have a plan B for childcare though, your dad may find the reality is too exhausting.

Unless you lied to him about being on the pill or similar, as a grown man he was well aware of the possible consequences of sex. How he deals with that now is up to him.

I would suggest you be very careful about what you say to him from now on. Say simply you have decided to keep the baby, do not engage with conversations about selfishness etc.

If he is a decent man, time may be a great healer.

Do not tell him you can manage financially without any help, as he has an obligation to contribute.

I’d work on the assumption you will need to sort all practicalities entirely alone.

Ragwort · 12/12/2021 08:23

Maybe not Oakley but the OP doesn't even mention having tried to use the MAP, she seems quite happy to be pregnant and has planned childcare etc. I can only speak for myself and if that had been me, I would have done everything possible not to bring an unplanned baby into the world.

MaudebeGonne · 12/12/2021 08:23

Like Solasum said, can you afford to raise a child alone? Not just financially, but emotionally as well. Do you have a solid support network around you - and will they actually want to be involved in the nitty gritty of childcare to help you when needed. It will be very difficult to try and establish a new romantic relationship when you have a new baby/toddler? Are you ready to put that part of your life on hold?

There is absolutely nothing wring with being a single Mum, and you know from reading these boards that being in a committed marriage when you get pregnant is no guarantee that you won't be left raising a child on your own.

There is also nothing wrong with saying "not the right time, not the right man" and having a termination.

I would suggest that you get some counselling from somewhere like Marie Stopes or BPAS or a private counsellor. You are at a crossroads, and need to make a life altering decision. It isn't easy for you, and you will have to live with the consequences of whatever choice you make, so invest whatever time/money you can afford into making a choice that you can accept wholeheartedly.

Starlightstarbright1 · 12/12/2021 08:24

Everyone on this thread is talking practically.

Emotions are also important. If having a baby is important to you with pcos. Then consider where you are. You do need to think about this as a single parent.

He doesn't get to decide- you do.. Don't speak to him till you decide what you want to do.

Ragwort · 12/12/2021 08:25

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ChocolateRiver · 12/12/2021 08:25

Gosh there are a lot of judgemental people on here. You sound like you have a stable home, income and family support so look like you’d be in a good position to go it alone. I suppose what you really need to consider is whether or not you want to be a single parent. Plenty do it very successfully, but it will change your life massively. I wouldn’t terminate the pregnancy just because the dad told you to.

FourTeaFallOut · 12/12/2021 08:29

Bloody hell Ragwort, do you have nothing better to do on a Sunday morning than harangue a newly pregnant woman about how you would have done everything differently? It achieves nothing except to inflate your own ego. Pathetic.

reasysteady · 12/12/2021 08:30

Congratulations!

You want a child
You are pregnant
You can afford to raise the child alone and have family support

Honestly it sounds great to me.
So many threads on MN about women not able to find a decent partner to start a family or have found a partner and are struggling to conceive.
You don't have these concerns now, and hopefully in a few months you will have a child.
Of course it will be tough sometimes, that's parenthood, but a child is something to celebrate and there seems to me there is no reason you would do a great job of being a mum.

The father might come round (I would question a man/family with traditional values who wouldn't support help raising their own flesh and blood - this is a situation as old as time!) and if he doesn't, that's not your fault or responsibility.

All the best, I hope you have a happy healthy pregnancy and a wonderful life ahead with your child

Original poster

Cymraeg12 · 12/12/2021 08:31

@Ragwort the reason I have planned childcare is because when I found out literally 3 days ago that I was pregnant, I went to parents and spoke to them and we had a lengthy discussion about every option.

Maybe I was being naive after the condom split that it just wouldn’t happen, and that I would be okay because when I was with my ex partner and we was trying for 2yrs I had never fallen pregnant. Yes I should of gone and got the MAP. But hindsight is a wonderful thing!

OP posts:

whiteroseredrose · 12/12/2021 08:34

This is your choice obviously.

I think you need to think hard about relying on your dad for full time child care.

My DM was a teacher and took early retirement in her early 50s so that she could look after DS two days a week. She found it exhausting as it is non stop.

You might want to consider building a few days of childcare a week into your budget.

drpet49 · 12/12/2021 08:36

* I very much can afford to be a single mother, I have family and friends that all live close by and I have a home to bring this child up in. I know childcare where I live is rather expensive but as my Dad has just retired he has said that he will be more than happy to look after the baby when I go back to work. I work 9-5 so I wouldn’t have to change this.*

^So your dad would be happy to babysit 5 days a week, 9-5? Get real OP

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