20weeks - really unsure what to do

[maxbaby]

Hi all. Not sure if I'm after advice or just need a place to talk and not be judged.

I had a DD 7 months ago with someone I was sleeping with. We've been friends for years but both wasn't looking for a relationship so was happy with a FWB type of set up. We'd been sleeping with each other since early 2019 and got pregnant last year August. It was such a shock to both of us, originally he wanted a termination (I didn't) so we got round to the idea of having a baby together.

Fast forward to now and he's a great dad to DD. Tbh he's a way better dad than I thought he might be when I first found out I was pregnant! He's a great person too but you know when someone is kind of stuck in their way? Previous to having a baby, he had no responsibilities AT ALL. As in, his sister would pay for his phone contract, his mum would still do his washing and fold his clothes. It was a mess. (I'm early 20s, he's mid 20s btw!) I find it really hard to do basic things such as communicate if he's going to be late to my house or anything that a normal person is capable of doing.

He's never been in a relationship before and hasn't worked since finishing uni a couple of years ago. I find both of these things quite noticeable and it's as if he's living in another universe when he's unable to do basic things. I think it's just because he doesn't care but that's another thread for another day.

I'm now pregnant again! I'm 20 weeks pregnant and I know most people have an abortion in the early weeks but I've just been so confused. I've realised I really can't rely on him the way I should be able too when having two kids. Today has been my third time contacting BPAS in this pregnancy and I'm just not sure if it's so cruel to have an abortion at this stage? I've always been pro choice, I just never thought this may be a choice I may have to make. So many of my friends and family already know about my pregnancy and I'll be incredibly judged if I have an abortion.

I just don't know what to do. I'm not sure what I'm really asking here but I feel as if I'm always trying to play happy families with him. You can't force a person to change but I don't understand why he won't want to change his ways after having a baby. I guess I just needed to vent. As guilty as I'd feel for having an abortion, I think later down the line I'd feel even worse for bringing a baby into this already rubbish situation.
Thanks for reading so far if you did

OP have you any local mum friends? I understand you would likely not want to say on here where you are in the country, but if you are in the South east feel free to message me, we might be nearby, I'd be happy to be part of your support network

Maybe this is ignorant of me but I really never thought it could be as traumatic as it sounds. So sorry you had that experience and thank you for keeping it real. I definitely couldn't deal with any additional trauma so there's no way I can give birth to a the baby prematurely. It sounds so so brutal

I wish I had known more about what it would be like in advance - I don't regret it, but I was not prepared for the pain, the amount of bleeding, and what physically happened, and I wish I'd known more beforehand, which is why I'm talking online about what it involves, for anyone reading!

I'm sure that, for many women, an abortion at 20 weeks is absolutely the right thing to do and far, far better than the alternative. But at around 20 weeks, most people terminating pregnancies are probably doing so for severe medical reasons or in cases of rape/abuse, because it's going to be a difficult experience, no getting around it.

Please speak to BPAS/your provider about the procedure. They will give you the facts and you can make your decision. You never know someone’s motives on here and some of the more graphic posts are less than helpful.

However, it is undeniable that at 20 weeks gestation it would be a ‘very late’ abortion and the foetus is considerably more developed and the risks of complications (physical and psychological) are increased. Obviously though, that may still be lower risk than the short, medium or long term consequences of adding another child.

@Isabellabasil thanks so much. I don't really have any no. I have a couple of friends that already have kids but their schedules are so hectic, we never really see each other. I've been to baby groups but definitely find it difficult to make friends

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche aw well your daughter and grandkids are really lucky to have you and your family. A support system is what everyone needs!

@ikeabiscuitlover can I just say I love your username😂😂 I loveeee their hotdog and doughnuts so much! That sounds so so intense. I remember reading up about an abortion in the early stages of the pregnancy but that's what really scared me. The excessive bleeding that some people can have, it sounds so so scary. Thank you for giving your experience and your last paragraph makes a lot of sense.

@BalladOfBarryAndFreda thank you I'll definitely still have a conversation with them when they get in touch to have a clearer understanding

Telling people you mc won't get you the support you would I imagine need terminating at such a late stage...
I had 3 under 3 alone. No regrets at all. None see their df and he denied he was their df in court. His loss. Definitely isn't theirs. Ime dc need 1 decent honest reliable parent. I bet that could be you op..

Your not alone❤ ive sent you a private message, please check your inbox

@Santahatesbraisedcabbage wow a huge fuck him and you and your kids definitely sound better without him. 3 under 3 is so crazy to me! I know it can be done but I just can't imagine how hard it must be on your own. I may be thinking of it worse than it actually is but it really does scare me as I think my mental health would suffer so much. Do you have any support from friends or family or is it just you? Thanks so much for your comment btw, it's really reassuring

@Mummmaa aw great thank you. I'm using the app but will go to Google and check. Bear with me x

Tasty Ikea food is an easier topic! Can't get enough of all their Christmas stuff at the moment

Btw @BalladOfBarryAndFreda is right about the posts on here and it would be worth speaking to your GP or someone at BPAS for the full facts that you can trust.

Adoption could be an option if you feel you won't cope with two children and an unreliable partner but also feel that it is too late to terminate.

@ikeabiscuitlover really??🤤 I haven't been in a while, I just wish they'd open an Ikea supermarket or something😂 and definitely. I filled out a form on BPAS before I wrote this post as I really feel I need to speak to a professional so I can ask questions and so on.

@Viviennemary thanks for your comment. I would struggle even more to give my child up for adoption but I appreciate the suggestion