20weeks - really unsure what to do

[maxbaby]

Hi all. Not sure if I'm after advice or just need a place to talk and not be judged.

I had a DD 7 months ago with someone I was sleeping with. We've been friends for years but both wasn't looking for a relationship so was happy with a FWB type of set up. We'd been sleeping with each other since early 2019 and got pregnant last year August. It was such a shock to both of us, originally he wanted a termination (I didn't) so we got round to the idea of having a baby together.

Fast forward to now and he's a great dad to DD. Tbh he's a way better dad than I thought he might be when I first found out I was pregnant! He's a great person too but you know when someone is kind of stuck in their way? Previous to having a baby, he had no responsibilities AT ALL. As in, his sister would pay for his phone contract, his mum would still do his washing and fold his clothes. It was a mess. (I'm early 20s, he's mid 20s btw!) I find it really hard to do basic things such as communicate if he's going to be late to my house or anything that a normal person is capable of doing.

He's never been in a relationship before and hasn't worked since finishing uni a couple of years ago. I find both of these things quite noticeable and it's as if he's living in another universe when he's unable to do basic things. I think it's just because he doesn't care but that's another thread for another day.

I'm now pregnant again! I'm 20 weeks pregnant and I know most people have an abortion in the early weeks but I've just been so confused. I've realised I really can't rely on him the way I should be able too when having two kids. Today has been my third time contacting BPAS in this pregnancy and I'm just not sure if it's so cruel to have an abortion at this stage? I've always been pro choice, I just never thought this may be a choice I may have to make. So many of my friends and family already know about my pregnancy and I'll be incredibly judged if I have an abortion.

I just don't know what to do. I'm not sure what I'm really asking here but I feel as if I'm always trying to play happy families with him. You can't force a person to change but I don't understand why he won't want to change his ways after having a baby. I guess I just needed to vent. As guilty as I'd feel for having an abortion, I think later down the line I'd feel even worse for bringing a baby into this already rubbish situation.
Thanks for reading so far if you did

I hope people are kind to you here, I'm sure a lot of people will be questioning your contraceptive etc but that's not very helpful right now, you are where you are.

This decision is yours and yours alone- not his or anyone else's. He is legally obliged to financially support his children (although in reality if he isn't currently earning then that's a but academic). From your post it sounds like you feel he is in fact a good dad and a positive influence in DD's life? But regardless of him, what do you want personally for this baby and your family?

Ok, I',m not sure of the legality, but I think it is up to week 24 for an abortion , so you need to decide soon to get it arranged if you go ahead.

You will have an induced labour and be in a labour ward. The room is likely to be set up as it would be for a woman having a wanted birth.
Its not an easy thing to go through.

You can choose to have the foetus' heart stopped prior to the termination so that it is already dead when you go into labour. If you don't the baby may be born alive. You will need to decide whether or not you want to look at the baby after it is born.

This is a horrible situation to be in and I really feel for you. Your options are abortion, have child and keep it, have it and have it adopted from birth. For the latter, if you decide that and the child it born without disabilities it will be adopted, there are very few babies without additional needs available for adoption, so it will be a 'prize' for adopters. None of these are easy options.

I didn’t want to run and read.
Ultimately this is YOUR body , YOUR choice . Nobody else’s, if you feel that having this baby will make the situation worse then you have every right to terminate. Do you know what type of termination they are willing to offer you ? As I could imagine anything with you being awake would be extremely traumatic at that stage of pregnancy .

What I would say is take this week to really think through everything - maybe write a list of pros and cons as it is easier to process things once they are written down .
Break it down slightly and don’t be harsh on yourself but also time is not on your side .

I really wish you the best xx

If you decide abortion you can always lie to your friends/ family and say it was a miscarriage. Its not really any of their business.

@maxbaby I haven’t really got any advice but I’m sorry you feel like this 😢 can you sit and have a chat with him about how it’s making you feel? I’ve just had a termination but was early on 6/7 weeks I was absolutely terrified so couldn’t imagine at 20 weeks. At the end of the day it’s your decision. I hope you okay ❤️

Sorry @maxbaby I’m a bit confused… just want to get this straight in my mind:

• you have a seven month old DD (born circa May 2021?) with a FWB
• you are now 20 weeksish pregnant with another baby by the same FWB (baby conceived circa August 2021)
• you’re considering a termination otherwise this new baby would be born around May 2022

Is that all correct?

Have you had your 12 and 20 week scans? Who’s your main support, your parents? What do they think? Do they know about the new baby?

Have you had a termination booked and cancelled it?

In terms of contraception, I had a really bad labour and had three procedures to rectify a punctured spine caused by one of the junior doctors. I wasn't able to take my chosen form of contraception because of the medication I was on at the time. I was going to start taking contraception again after I'd finished the course of my medication (as agreed by my GP.) We also used condoms so I really have no clue how we ended up here yet again🤦‍♀️

Whatever you do, you need bulletproof contraception next time. I would suggest you double up.

You know time is running out for this, so you need to make a decision. It is your choice. No one here can make it for you, but the sooner it is made, the better for all concerned. Best of luck with whatever you decide.

OP did you get pregnant 2 months after that traumatic birth? Are you OK?

@Isabellabasil thanks for your comment.
Honestly I'd be happy to have the baby if I could simply rely on him to do what he says. However I can just see him constantly failing us because he doesn't know how to get his priorities in order. He's also so bad at communication. He's a great dad but he isn't someone you can rely on to have two kids under two with. It's just so frustrating.

It doesn't matter how many times we talk and have a sit down conversation. The behaviour never changes and I can't keep putting up with that it's a joke. It's like he's a teenager stuck in an adult mans body

It's your choice. Don't do it because of him, and you feel you can't rely on him. It's your body, your baby, your family unit.

Good luck with your decision

@stillmorerubbish

If you decide abortion you can always lie to your friends/ family and say it was a miscarriage. Its not really any of their business.

I think that's a pretty horrible thing to do. You can't compare you aborting - child to losing a child. Completely not the same thing.

It sounds very frustrating. I suppose what I am hearing from you is that you are basing your decision on whether he can step up, rather than on what you personally want. It's entirely up to you but you could consider just going it alone- you don't actually need him to be a good dad, you only need yourself to make this work. If that's what you want of course. He can have as little or as much input as you (and he) decide.

Op can I just ask how it's taken you until 20 weeks to now be facing the decision? That's a long time to not know what to do.. have you bonded with the pregnancy and been enjoying it? I just can't understand how someone can come this far and then decide they might be getting rid? I just don't think you'll find aborting at 20 weeks an easy thing to do with the baby being so formed and human like.. is there no way you can consider adoption?

It’s your choice. What are the things you need from him and don’t get? Can you get this support from other people instead (friends, family etc). You absolutely CAN do this if you want to but it’s your body and your choice.

A termination at 20 weeks would require you to give birth to the baby, would you be ok with that?

@Isabellabasil I found out I was pregnant when DD was only 3 months old yes🤦‍♀️

The birth was VERY traumatic but I've just finished CBT Therapy for it and I had around 12/13 sessions. The therapist I had was so amazing, she really helped make a massive difference and I no longer have any anxiety surrounding the situation.

@stillmorerubbish this all sounds so so horrible. I really can't do this, I HATE that I'm in this situation, it's making me resent their dad so much. I didn't know I've left it so late that it'll be an induced labour, this is such a difficult decision to make but knowing that information I don't think I can do it

I was also thinking to tell my family I had a miscarriage if I went through with it but isn't that so horrible to women who have actually had a miscarriage. It's all a bit too much, I'm starting to feel depressed thinking about it

As PP said, you could put the baby up for adoption, there will be couples queuing up for a newborn. I really feel for you and hope you find peace with whatever you decide.

@stillmorerubbish

If you decide abortion you can always lie to your friends/ family and say it was a miscarriage. Its not really any of their business.

No please don't do this.

@Rose925 thanks for your comment.
I'm really not sure. I've asked for BPAS to contact me so hopefully I can get more information by having a phonecall with someone. I know it's best to have an abortion during the early stages so I know it won't be the case of taking a pill or anything.
I think once I know more it'll help with making a decision. Thanks so much for the advice, I was thinking the same in regards to the pros and cons list.

@Mumto3ggb thank you for your nice words there's just no point talking to him, all I do is talk. It's like he has no feelings, emotions and just buries everything deep down. Me talking to him about how I'm feeling will do absolutely nothing, I just know it

@YokoOnosHat yes that's all correct basically. The new baby was conceived July this year and is due end of April.

I have my 20 week scan next week which I'm dreading tbh. I've had the first scan.
I have a big family but not really much support, their dad is my main support which is why this is all so frustrating.

I haven't had any terminations booked previously. I've contacted BPAS twice and both times they've contacted by email which has gone straight to my junk. I only saw the emails yesterday when I went to contact BPAS again. I guess I was to scared to call them myself and talk to someone. I have no clue why I didn't check my junk mail but for some reason I just didn't

I don't know why people think it's better for you to share your very private business about a termination as opposed to a simple statement you miscarried. I had a termination pretty early in a pregnancy and I told the few people who knew I was pregnant that I miscarried.

I've also miscarried a few times and had a stillbirth so I can see it from both sides. Honestly you protecting yourself from judgement seems OK to me. It's also going to be traumatic if you go that pathway even if it is your choice so adding people's judgement makes no sense to me.

I hope you make a decision you can be at peace with either way.

There's been a few more comments so I'll just type and try to summarise. Thanks for everyone's comments btw, I really appreciate it.

I'm not sure what I personally want. I'm not happy that I'm pregnant, I keep saying I don't want this baby and I'm going to hate my life when the baby comes. How unfair is that to have those sort of feelings towards an unborn baby? I honestly don't think I'm capable of looking after two young babies. After my first I was SO depressed (a lot of that had to do with the surgeries and the fact that DD lost a lot of weight and got ill whilst we were in hospital) but I just can't see me having this baby and having hardly any help. I don't know how that will possibly work.

It's taken me 20 weeks as I've been so unsure on what to do. Abortion isn't an easy decision in my mind. The fact that I've even contacted BPAS and researched abortion on the NHS site has made me feel so bad. Even when I was 6 weeks pregnant and adamant that I was going to have an abortion. I just kept on thinking that I'm going to kill my baby and it kept on going on and on in my mind. I definitely couldn't consider adoption😭 having these conversations with you lovely people has really put things into perspective for me. There's simply no way I can have an abortion at this stage, I just can't. But I'm not sure how I'll cope either

Yes, at this stage, its full labour. They'd have to stop his or her heart first though, as otherwise a live baby could well be born (they can't usually survive at this stage, though a few have at 20 weeks with intensive support).

Given you have expressed that you'd like this baby, you'd need to consider the trauma of giving birth to a fully formed/edge of viability baby. You've also queried whether it would be cruel, which indicates that you are very much thinking of him/her as a baby

OP you don’t owe anything to women who have miscarried. If the easiest way for you to deal with this is to tell friends and family you’ve had a miscarriage then so be it.

That aside. I’d probably decide on the abortion by weighing up what the future would be like.

I’d stop worrying about the dad. Assume you’re going to do everything as a single parent.

Are you currently on maternity leave? Do you have plans for a career? Are you trained in anything? Could you afford childcare? Calculate what benefits you might be entitled to. Do you have stable and affordable housing?

I see the struggle of having two very young children as quite a short term thing, it’ll be hard for a few years but will improve rapidly. Think about how things will be in 5 or 10 years time.

Ultimately though we live somewhere where women have the choice. You don’t have to have this baby if you don’t want to.

@Rrrob maybe you guys can help me because maybe I'm overreacting.

He's very supportive with DD, always here looking after her and just doing what a dad should be doing tbh. I think the main issue is that we're not living together. He'll stay 3/4 days and then run back home to mummy dearest and I just don't know how that's going to work with two kids.

He also isn't actively looking for a job as much as he should be. He has the mindset of, 'I'm having two kids but it'll all be alright somehow' like no maybe it won't be alright.

The main thing is, he's just not a man of his word. He's unreliable and doesn't care enough to change. If he says I'll come to the house at 4pm and put DD to sleep, he'll turn up at 11pm with no message/call to say where he is. How can I deal with that with two little kids when he's my main support?

I have a strained relationship with my mum but she only lives 15mins away, I'm sure she'll help out but it means I'll have to be around here often which is really difficult for me. ARGHHH I just want to scream. I feel so trapped like I can't do this.

A PP mentioned giving birth to the baby which is something I absolutely cannot do. It seems as if I'll have to have the baby and find a way to work on our situation. I'm just not sure how